Stress
I Didn’t Sign Up For This
I’m having one of those days where anxiety & stress are overwhelming. Two steps away from hyperventilating, overwhelming. No, I don’t need pity or to talk to anyone. I’m safe and will (probably) live to see another day.
I considered calling my doctor or texting someone, and then chose not to do either. I’m that strong friend who will NOT burden you with my problems because if a medical professional can’t fix it, how will you? For me, this is common sense stuff, but I also cannot allow anyone to get too close anymore and harm me, which happened twice last year. Never again will I permit that. Trust MUST be earned. I have never trusted women less in my life, but that’s where I am now.
Kitten is my familiar, and if I’m not okay, she KNOWS. She started shrieking to get me into another room. She brought me toys and gave me her, “Come on, you’ll feel better soon.” look that is the most human expression you’ll see if you’ve never seen humanity in an animal before. I’ve lucked out; the cats in my life have always been exceptionally human (I have also had two dogs that I immediately knew were once human. I cried each time because neither one could be mine.). Each time I’ve implied this, someone else has noticed it and acknowledged that they see it, too.
I followed her and threw toys around for her, marveling at her energy and the heights she’ll reach. She played happily, but kept looking back at me. If I threw a few toys and walked away, she’d start shrieking again. She has the biggest mouth, so when she makes a certain sound, it’s alarming and you run to see what’s wrong. Today, I was what was wrong, and she knew it.
Suddenly, Cat came running down the stairs because she heard my voice. She’s ALWAYS listening for me. Be it noon or three a.m., if I breathe, she’s going to follow me. I can cough and she’ll come to check on me like it’s her sole purpose in life.
I don’t have to doubt the intentions of any animal I’ve raised, but people? People will give you reasons to doubt, to not trust. People who think everyone is innately good are so off base, and I cannot imagine being that level of naive. It’s a stupidity I cannot afford.
We are all different. We all have shit we are dealing with, and things we are doing to better ourselves.
Me? All of the above. I’m not a negative person due to bad days and painful struggles. When I achieve goals, I know I have earned my place. My achievements aren’t false and I don’t purchase my goals.
No one hands you anything in life. Not in truth. Be mindful of invisible strings attached and the expectations others have when you allow them that level of access. Use your fucking brain!
They say domestic cats are still preprogrammed with certain wilderness skills. It’s often why they will sleep with their “person” or “people”. My cats have their own beds and they use them, but when I’m hurting, be it physically or emotionally, they’ve got my back. People? Not so much.
Kitten is my constant sidekick. Writing? She’s next to me. Trying not to meltdown? She will come to comfort me. I know she loves me because she will bust open the door to my room and just stay by my side. She doesn’t stand on ceremony.
Cat is different. She requires an invitation in calligraphy. She had me for the first year of her life, and while she needed a companion so she’d stop attacking me, she officially outgrew this need a few years ago. To this day, she will still crawl into my lap like she did as a tiny bean, and she won’t move. She thinks she’s still about three pounds. She is sweet and sassy, but ultimately they are both fiercely protective of me, even when I’m asleep. They have woken me from nightmares and cuddled close when I feel cold and completely empty. They often treat me like I am the mother cat. The way they greet me is the way a kitten would greet its mother. It’s beautiful and a little sad because I know they were both taken from their mothers too soon. 😦
Not to knock my real friends, but these are my girls. I know they will be with me until the end of their lives. I made a commitment when I filled out their adoption forms, wrapped them up in a warm blanket, and put them in a carrier to take them home. They immediately trusted me. A cat can live over twenty years. Every single day, I pray I have that long with them. They are such blessings and I never worry about them secretly judging me. I already know they do, but I also know they’d kill for me.
I didn’t sign up for all this pain and strife, but I did sign up to love my little balls of trouble. People will come and go, but your cats will stay by your side because they know your heart better than anyone else. That’s unconditional love in the truest form.
Sorry dog owners; I can only speak for what’s mine.
© 2020 by Lisa Marino and Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Sharing Color
I’ve been having a terrible, rough time of late. I started writing about it, and was too sick to finish what I was writing, but I’ll get there.
As we head into this excruciatingly hot weekend (115 degrees with heat, heat index, and high humidity, as well as a few nights in the 90s), I thought I’d share a bit of brilliant, nature made color with you all. The lilies are unique and you won’t see them in anyone’s yard in random fashion. The purple one is called “Bela Lugosi”. I thought it was going to be more on the brown side, but as you can see, it isn’t. Most of these were just 4-6 flowers initially and now there are tons. The petals are thicker than you’d expect. I did my best to capture them the same day they bloomed.
Be well, everyone.
Hugs,
Tuesday Thoughts
Hello one and all. I hope you’re having a great start to the week.
My procedure yesterday afternoon went okay. I think I’ve just gotten used to it, though my anxiety was still pretty awful. Usually there’s an epic migraine and so much physical pain after this treatment that I come back, feed my cats, and drag myself straight to bed. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel as horrible as I normally do. Completely different side effects this time around. I wasn’t quite prepared to be slammed with nausea late last night into the early morning hours, but that’s what Promethazine is for. It helped quite a bit, and I did sleep, but today, I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally numb and exhausted as hell. I’m supposed to rest, not push myself too hard physically, etc. I felt overwhelmingly exhausted by 1:00 PM, and spiked a fever around two. 😔 Hopefully it’ll be gone soon, otherwise I’ll call tomorrow since this has NEVER happened before. Is it a potential side effect? Yes. I’ve just never experienced it before. A few other rare side effects have popped up, too. I’m erring on the side of caution.
Traffic was mostly avoided yesterday, which was awesome. 🎉 Boston’s tunnels make me feel like I’m in a James Bond movie and about to be shot at. Plus, they definitely mess with my head in the “sensory deprivation” sense. I was able to avoid returning with a migraine. My headache specialist is REALLY pleased with my progress. It’s helping my cervical spine tremendously, and since I was the first person to report remarkable results, she said, “Isn’t it amazing how, we don’t always know if something new will work, but we try it and we end up feeling so much better?” It nearly eliminated my daily neck pain and helped me reduce how many muscle relaxers I take. It has reduced my migraines by about 30-40%. I still get migraines, and there’s still pain to contend with, but they don’t attach themselves to my skull for 3+ weeks anymore. Going 21 days without a major migraine was shocking. Sadly, it takes a while to realize you’re not in agony every single day. Bear in mind, I still have Fibromyalgia to contend with, but help is help, and I feel relieved that this is something I might be able to stick with. 🤞
I chose, from day one, not to disclose the treatment method because I was already being judged by friends and a handful of family members, and because, from a public standpoint, I wanted to see how I’d do before talking about it. No one wants to discuss another failed effort. The fact that it’s successful doesn’t mean it will remain so. My doctor has a backup plan should this fail at any time, and I am confident in both options. Until I’m ready to discuss it, I think it’s perfectly okay to keep it private. Thus far, I highly doubt I’ve run into a subscriber in the building, but you never know. 🤷
I definitely feel blue today. I feel isolated, unsupported, stressed, and exhausted, but I’m trying to look forward towards better days. I KNOW they’re on their way.
Tools of The Trade
Being without my laptop has been trying these past few weeks. I’m SO READY to be writing and creating, and I hate being stalled. Poor thing is a very expensive paperweight at the moment. 😔 I don’t want my creativity to dry up or meltdown. If anything, it’s ramped up considerably. Talk about frustrating! I found something that could be the perfect fit for 75% less, but I still have to wait, which sucks.
This week, I picked up some notebooks so that I could at least get some chapters written. The pens I already had. I purchase a box or two of the pink Uni-Ball Signo pens each year. A portion of the proceeds goes to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The ink is black and these pens are my faves. We won’t discuss how many pens are in my purse at any given moment. I was teased last year for signing something in purple ink while wearing a purple t-shirt, sneakers with purple accents, and I had a bottle of water with me that matched. “Do you usually match your ink to your outfit and water?” 😂 Smart ass.
Current hardcover inspiration: Queen of Air and Darkness by Cassandra Clare, Red Scrolls of Magic by Cassandra Clare and Wesley Chu, and Next Level Basic by Stassi Schroeder. I finished the latter this afternoon. It’s decent, but I cringed over the editing, which, in my humble opinion, was not well done. 🤷 However, I supported three different libraries, so that’s a positive. 👍
At the moment I’m on page two of a new scene, and I started reading Red Scrolls a few days ago. I always have 2-8 books in my current rotation. I’m trying not to be too miserable or upset, but I won’t lie; I’m getting there. However, I feel like there’s a lesson to be learned here, so I’m trying to keep calm-ish.
I’m having an in-office medical procedure done Monday afternoon. The anxiety is already creeping in. 😔 It’s 30% procedure and 70% Boston traffic, which is a fucking nightmare, and makes other major cities look GOOD. Especially if you don’t have to view the nearly three billion dollar casino that has yet to open. It looks like it was accidentally dropped off in the wrong neighborhood, except this monstrosity is intentional. I feel like it’s going to be an epic fail, but to each their own. I always come back with a vicious migraine, but after eight months, my migraine medication was finally approved! Celebrate the small things, yes? The photo series will continue.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Feeling Like A Hostage Negotiator
What’s the holdup? Basically, my laptop will no longer charge and needs to be replaced. It’s been too long already without being able to write, and I’m slowly losing my mind.
I’m trying to hunt down a temporary replacement. Something used since I can’t yet afford the model I need, and the manufacturer doesn’t offer financing. $50 a month I can do, but I’m only seeing the model from their website. Apparently it’s not offered in most stores. Who the hell wants a laptop without a DVD player/burner? Not I. Occasionally, a girl wants to add music to her extensive library, watch a movie, or add new software. I feel like this is common sense stuff.
Almost thought I found one Wednesday night, but as soon as I asked questions, the person pulled the Marketplace listing. 😒 Yesterday, he relisted the laptop for 60% more than what he was asking for originally, and I’m suspicious that he’s got ten laptops listed. Call me crazy! 🤷
My local library does allow you to use their computers, but it’s a nearly five mile trek to and fro for two hours of use. Not a bad way to get some exercise, but I hurt myself going up there last week. I came back with burns on my feet, wearing walking sneakers that I rarely wear. I bought them because the money helped support the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk. I’ve never had an issue wearing them before, but I had to perform immediate first-aid. Yeah, I know. 😒 For the record, it wasn’t hot and I don’t know why it happened. I do feel my lower back injury is causing me to walk funny. I still have a burn on one foot and a healing burn on the other.
I’m doing my best to get this situation fixed. My brother would have given me most of the money I need for a new laptop, but he has missed a considerable amount of work due to his heart issues. He will be having surgery in early July. I refuse to take a penny from him when I know he’s saving for rent and food. I’m praying the surgery will be a success and that, as the surgeon told him, he will be back to work with 2-3 days. I’m not sure I believe that, as he still has unhealed issues from his first heart operation. This isn’t an extremely invasive procedure, but I suspect I did more research than he will. I’m concerned, obviously.
Overall, I’m dealing with a lot of stressful situations all at once. I’m praying for positive energy and positive solutions. I’m doing my best, but right now, I feel like a hostage negotiator in my own life. I feel immensely trapped, stuck, and I’m trying to calm down and get on everything. One day at a time, I guess.
I’m working on it all. Fingers crossed. I know better days are ahead, but I don’t have a timeframe. I’ll keep you all posted. In the meantime, I’ll be buying some additional notebooks and draining a pen or three.
Have a great weekend, everyone.
In Your Life…
“In your life, you may at times feel you have worked so hard, and you have done every single thing you could in your power to earn your way and be a good person. You have given and given and given — trying never to keep score or be a burden to others. You tried so hard to be selfless and tried to believe that good people are rewarded in the end. You turned your doubts into faith and your anger into love after endless failures and betrayals. You pressed forward with positivity. But, maybe things have not turned out the way you had hoped yet, and you have found yourself in a low place. You looked around and said, “I have helped people, who will help me? I have been so good.” In these moments, it is tempting to ask, “Where is my break; what about karma or God — does anyone care? Is everything in life for nothing? Is any of it worth it?” It is so easy to want to give up in times of failure and disappointment in what seems like an endless struggle. We can become depressed and discouraged. — Bryant McGill
I Heard…
This quote is basically my new norm. I had to make a serious decision this year regarding my health, and ultimately I had to choose to make my health my first priority. There was no one to consult with on that. No one was going to prioritize it if I didn’t do it myself; a basic fact.
Here I am at the end of November, still focused solely on my health, and a list of goals I’d like to achieve sooner rather than later. I am determined, but I’m also exhausted, sleep-deprived, in serious pain, and trying to be strong through all of it. I am currently on a steroid taper for a skull-flaming migraine. I barely know my own name after the past 48 hours, so bear with me.
I see my stats and I know I am writing less here. Well, I’m posting less, but please know I am still writing. I’ve got multiple posts in the pipeline (one needs fine-tuning before it goes live). My time has predominantly been spent going to and from the hospital, to testing, to doctor’s appointments, and I’ve had two in-office procedures done this year where my migraines are concerned. The next one is in ten days, except now I know some of what to expect from it. No, I am not taking a CGRP drug and for the foreseeable future, it’s not on the table as something I would personally consider, nor has my doctor mentioned it as something she’d be willing to prescribe.
I’m grateful for the handful or so of good people and their AMAZING office staff, who have been incredible to me this year. From May to present, I have been deeply blessed with the people who’ve been taking care of me, who’ve listened to me, those who are my treating physicians and are proactive about it. We live in a current medical climate where doctors often behave in such a superior manner that you contemplate kicking them, just to see if they’re human. I REALLY lucked out with two of my physicians. I have a lot of respect for down-to-earth doctors who treat me like a peer and/or treat me with the respect I deserve as the sufferer. Not everyone can master this, but two of them have, and it makes me feel like there’s a real team behind me for certain things. When your doctors actually encourage communication and they always make sure their staff is being good to you as well, it’s a nice feeling.
For all of the medical issues I endure, writing has been a constant in my life at all times. I don’t stop thinking, speaking, believing, or writing the truth; not ever. I can step into fictitious worlds I’ve developed when I want to, but for the most part, I’m going to live in the truth and keep that steady.
I will be featuring more medical pieces going forward, but I will still share other views, as well. I’m not changing as a person (I’m growing. There’s a difference.), but I am thinking more about the overall message I want my readers to receive.
In short, I am wishing you all a fabulous, healthy, happy, safe holiday season. I’ll be back with some good talking points ASAP.
Dazed, Confused, and Out Of Sorts
I’m running out of ways to describe my current state of mind. Earlier this week I had a different sense of self, and then I came home to discover I had lost my house key and the remote for the alarm. Thankfully, they were found and brought to “Lost & Found”. I received a return call the following morning letting me know they were safe and sound, and that I could come and get them, which I did on Thursday. You cannot imagine how stupid I felt in the moment, especially considering my history. I have had a set of house keys since I was eleven years old. I still have keys for every place I’ve ever lived, except my last place of residence where I tossed the keys onto the front lawn on the final day of moving. That was my way of shedding myself of the negativity of a horrible experience that is still haunting and affecting me on a daily basis. It wasn’t an exact science, but in the moment, I didn’t want to physically be carrying around a physical memory filled with pain.
I don’t normally lose something I tend to keep my eye on. That error made me so upset, and it made me question myself for days. It was an enormous “What the fuck is wrong with you?” moment, at least for me. I know many people will say I am human, no one is perfect, and/or shit happens, etc., but I take my responsibilities seriously. Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t know me at all.
Despite that incident, I had an extremely productive neurology consult with a new doctor. I waited nearly six months to see her, and I was definitely feeling iffy walking into the situation. After going through all of the standard questions, a quick baseline test, and doing a neuro history to rule out what I have and haven’t tried, she immediately discussed the treatment method with me that she feels I am the best candidate for. I was relieved to hear someone cut through all the bullshit and go straight to precisely what I have wanted to do migraine-wise for the past six years. I have a three to six month wait, but she feels it will be worth it, and I am hopeful. It’s by no means a cure; I will still get migraines, but after my first year of treatment, I shouldn’t be getting daily migraines any more, or migraines that last for weeks at a time. In less than three years, I have had eighty migraine-free days. That isn’t even two straight months without searing pain. To be taken seriously right out of the gate and have someone treat me with such respect was truly a bit of a shock. As I’ve likely said before, my faith and trust in the medical community is basically nonexistent. In the past year, I have met three good doctors and maybe one or two decent medical professionals, but everyone else has been a medical failure, and for me, even one medical failure is one too many.
When I explained the appointment to my brother and told him how it went, he asked me what I am supposed to do for my migraines for the next three to six months. His exact words were “What are you supposed to do in the meantime? Chew Excedrin?” It was a valid question, and it reminded me that I had not asked for an abortive, so I will call ASAP and see if my doctor is willing to get Relpax approved until the new treatment begins. Thus far, my insurance company has been very on the ball with nearly all of the things I’ve needed, so I hope this won’t become a battle. I honestly can’t handle another moment where I have to battle anyone or anything. I am mostly a basket case (which is truly nothing to joke about) on Promethazine. As it turns out, stress really DOES affect us far more than we realize.
I have seen myself decline in a dramatic way over the past year. I have never felt more “off” or out of touch with myself than I am now. Being chronically ill isn’t fun, nor is it glamorous. It is a daily battle just to get out of bed. This is something people don’t seem to realize, unless it’s happening to them.
I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the fact that it is June. I rarely say “I want to go back to this month and start over.”, but I have definitely been feeling like this quite a bit lately. The heat waves and then 30-40 degree drops in temperature have taken their toll on me. But from here on out, I expect this to be a disturbingly hot summer and I am stressed with the thought of trying to navigate through it. I don’t want to deal with being sick, dehydrated, and isolated. There’s not much I can really do about any of these things, but the knowledge that it’s all headed my way is genuinely too much for me.
I am trying to keep up with everything here and still live my daily life. The truth is, my daily life is exceedingly dull and unhappy. I lack the ability to be fake and pretend it’s something it isn’t. So while I am clearly not writing as much as I would like, I am still doing the best I can. I thank everyone who has stuck with me all these years, for better or worse. Having an outlet for my thoughts is important to me.
Hopefully I will be able to write more this summer. I can’t make any promises, but I can try my best. Here’s hoping I achieve more than heatstroke over the next few months.
copyright © 2018 Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 