Feeding The Dark

Follow me under
Low as we are
Swallow your hunger
Feeding this dark
Feeding this dark

Do you remember what made the scar
How deep will you cut
Seeking my heart
Seeking my heart

Oh, you can’t hide
And you know that you can’t lie
Cause I know all your secrets
And I won’t let you forget

Follow me under
Low as we are
Hate is the liar
Feeding this dark
Feeding this dark

Oh, you can’t hide
And you know that you can’t lie
Cause I know all your secrets
And I won’t let you forget

Don’t look away
Let the light pour down on our darkest day
If we run from ourselves we will run forever
Oh, you can’t hide
And you know that you can’t lie
Cause I know all your secrets
And I won’t let you forget

The Power We Discover

“The power we discover inside ourselves as we survive a life-threatening experience can be utilized equally well outside of crisis, too. I am, in every moment, capable of mustering the strength to survive again—or of tapping that strength in other good, productive, healthy ways.” ―Michele Rosenthal

Stages of Feline Affection

One tried to throw me out of bed this morning by jumping on my head and then marking my entire body, as though I am the official leader of the cat pack. The other one ignores me, unless I come bearing treats. I’m still wearing her scars from a few weeks back. It’s easy to tell which one appreciates me the most. 😉

Full credit goes to the artist.

Setting My Alarm

I’m determined to be prepared for my doctor’s phone call in the morning. I know he’ll call and try to get ahead of me and what I’m feeling/thinking, but I am still very much in a state of shock and betrayal. I’ve considered cancelling my appointments with him for the rest of the year; but that likely won’t be helpful on too many levels.

I do feel composed enough to set him straight, but I’m going to respond to tone and behavior. I should not have to preface everything I say with, “Please leave this out of my medical record.” I’ve seen what other doctors have written in my chart. There’s so much incorrect information, their personal perceptions of me, and even when quoting me, they get it wrong. A lot. Whenever I’ve confronted other doctors, they have vehemently denied what is right there in a file they signed off on. One denied saying something to my pharmacist and turned his back on me when I confronted him. Legitimately turned his back to me, pretended to fiddle with the computer, and would not look me in the eye. Since she was defending me, as a patient, three guesses who I believe. Patients should NOT have to feel like this.

I was voted, “A Strong Voice for the Mental Health Community” a few years ago, and I take this seriously. At the core of who I am, having others respect my voice is truly important to me. If I advocate for other people taking charge and fighting the system, then why should I do any less for myself?

I would love to come back in a few days and say, “Okay guys, I got angry and reacted, but everything is good now.” I’d like to be 100% wrong or partially wrong, except I know I am right in feeling as I do. I know I am right to say, “Re-read your notes and please remove every personal detail you have entered. The personal stuff is for you to remember, NOT for outsiders to peruse, twist to their own benefit, or for me to see and get pissed off at you, because some of this is disrespectful as fuck.” I highly doubt he’d appreciate me going over his head, either, but I’m more than happy to get on a first name basis with the hospital adminstrator. I fucking LIVE for setting these kinds of people straight (According to my brother, who says I should have been a lawyer because I “love to argue”. I don’t, but I will always fight when I am right.), especially since I tend to leave all of them dumbfounded.

Another doctor of mine happened to confess their hate for this person (the hospital admin), and despised that the first thing they did upon taking the job, was choose their own salary. They mentioned how this strips many departments of much-needed funding, and since this is not a gossipy type of person, I take them at face value. Moreover, I know this is how things operate. At the end of the day, hospitals are a business, and in this country, they don’t care if they bankrupt you once a medical bill is in play.

No one needs another overpaid, glorified paper pusher banking on the pain of every single person who enters the main hospital buildings, all affiliated hospitals, practices, medical buildings, etc., which accounts for nearly half the damn state of Massachusetts. I could go on, but I’m tired.

The gloves are OFF. You guys can start a Go Fund Me in case I need to be bailed out. 😉 I’ll keep you posted.

copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.