I’m Awake


I’m not sure what I did to deserve intense sunshine this morning, but it somehow encouraged the migraine I woke up with. By “encourage”, I mean it made me ten times sicker than I thought possible. Reluctantly took Relpax. The problem with the generic version of this medication is that the side effects can give you the symptoms of a heart attack. You can feel your chest tightening and it might be hard to breathe, but then it passes. I added 60 mgs of Corgard just to keep things interesting (it’s a blood pressure medication used to prevent migraines. I immediately discovered that taking it daily didn’t help, but taking it during a migraine can sometimes eliminate it quickly. Doctors don’t know everything, but YOU know your body best.).

Should I be having such a severe migraine so quickly after treatment? No, but there are also no guarantees that treatment will eliminate 100% of migraines. If that was the case, it would be considered a treatment/cure. Far from it.

Other than feeling like my head might explode, I am okay-ish. I go in next week for progress x-rays on my foot, ankle, and knee. When I went in to pick up the brace to stabilize my ankle, the doctor had apparently forgotten to put the order in. <cue the massive eye roll> I was not pleased. Upon returning to finally get it (after confirming twice), it was, once again, on back order. Is there suddenly some massive shortage for braces in this country?! My pharmacy was cleaned out of the over-the-counter version. I don’t think it’s acceptable to ask me to pay out of pocket for something that my insurance covers if you actually take care of it properly. After slightly consideration, I was too exhausted to play with Ace bandages and sports tape. It requires more attention to detail than I currently have at the moment.

The surgeon is concerned that I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle and foot. He shouldn’t be so damn shocked since he told me I didn’t need pain medication. Yeah, because who needs healthy bones that fully heal as you’re trying hard not to scream sometimes from the pain of it all? There are times where I am biting my arm to stop myself from screaming; that’s how painful this is. I have bruises I’ve covered up with concealer that doesn’t come off without a special makeup remover. The pulsing pain in my ankle is ridiculous and my foot is always screaming at me to sit down or stop using it. My own family seems to forget I am suffering through this. I was strictly forbidden to do 90% of the things I am still trying to do, with great struggle, so I might have made things a lot worse for myself. If I require surgery in a month or two, I will be furious. I pray it doesn’t come to that. We use our feet every single day. When it hurts to walk, stand, cook, shower, do the laundry, climb a flight of stairs or go down a flight of stairs, then that’s serious. I am so used to having a high pain threshold that I’m sure people assume it’s no big deal to throw in multiple injuries. It is a big deal. This is additional trauma my body really doesn’t need.

So yeah, awake, alive, and all that jazz. Praying for good results and better days ahead.

Copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.



Dirge Without Music

“I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”
―Edna St. Vincent Millay

A Year Ago…


Things can change in the blink of an eye, especially if you’re not paying attention.

I am trying to get some things written for all of you (and in general), but I am recovering from a medical treatment that was performed yesterday afternoon. I currently feel like someone whacked me in the head with a sledgehammer. Between that and the neck pain, it’s not fun. Sometimes my body has autoimmune responses to certain things and it makes recovery harder. I know I’m supposed to give myself up to two weeks to fully recover and go back to my “normal life”, which would be funny if anything about me was “normal”, but I’m still trying to process a lot of things. Some days you just have to respect the fact that you got out of bed.