Month: June 2017

Not Okay

Miss Poison Writing , , , , , ,

I’m not okay. I’ve tried to be, but ultimately, the first person I have to be honest with is myself. If you start lying to yourself, you can convince the entire world that everything’s fine while the house burns down around you. Everything is absolutely NOT fine because I am NOT fine.

Today was my last appointment with the doctor I’ve talked about; the one I actually like and respect, and that will never change, not unless he runs me over with his car tomorrow, a strong possibility since he’s probably read my work at this point. 😉

While I joked about super glue and other things, I walked out afterward and I thought I was all right, but I’m not. I appreciate the fact that he gave me additional time and didn’t once look at the clock, that we had a real talk, etc., but I caught myself in tears on the drive home. I expected to see black streaks pouring down my face as I quickly glanced in the mirror, assuming there had to be a horrific mess, some evidence that I was as upset on the outside as I was internally, but there was nothing to be seen. Origins GinZing mascara will be getting a ten star review, and let me just say that it’s not even water resistant, leave alone waterproof.

But I digress; there’s a very long waiting period for a therapist. The person I met with was temporary. The only difference is, she immediately disclosed this. However, I don’t need another temporary person to speak with or see every two weeks. I don’t have time for that. I’ve got nothing to say. I also don’t have it in me to build a relationship with someone who is a temporary fix. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on something that requires stitches; and I’m NOT okay with that. It’s also a lot like dating someone for no reason. Why would I bother?! I do NOT like wasting my time. She was perfectly lovely, but what’s the point?! A cushion to fall back on if no one else wants to take me?! This system is so fucked up, it really hurts me. There are people in far worse condition than I, and you’re making them wait six months, or longer, just to get in the door. I will be called in almost two weeks to find out if there’s an opening for me with someone, but if there isn’t, she is willing to see me on a temporary basis. In all honesty, I might say no until there is an opening. It’s exhausting dragging myself there every two weeks as it is. I openly admit, I was doing it to see the doctor because again, I really liked him. Ask anyone; I don’t like people.

When he said “Let’s find you another me.” I replied, “That’s not gonna happen.” (Not unless he’s been cloned, in which case, he really ought to talk to someone about that.) and he said “Okay, let’s find you someone else with a prescription pad.” (The expression on his face was so funny, I laughed. I told you he had a great sense of humor.), despite the fact that I’m only taking a PTSD drug. He did recommend someone else, but honestly, in this moment, I’m not interested in seeing her. I plan on calling him before he leaves for a refill and just leaving it at that for the moment. I don’t take it nightly and a refill should get me through the summer until I’m ready to pursue another doctor, whether it be who he suggested, or not.

I feel like a fucking tennis ball. In a dog’s mouth. I feel so absent within myself. I came home, fed Cat & Kitten at exactly five o’clock (Believe me, they both thought they should have gotten fed the second I walked through the door. They’re OBSESSED little vixens.), washed my face twice, changed my clothes, and after a texting session with my sister, Britt, I fell asleep like the dead. I am so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained that I just want to sit somewhere and cry for the next week. Technically, I can do that, but in all likelihood, it won’t happen. I’ll bottle it up until I have a breakdown of some kind and I’ll keep bottling it up until I snap.

The best compliment I came away with today was “You know yourself really well.” For someone to observe that over six weeks, is a nice feeling.

I’ve never been a fan of square one. It makes me sick. However, I think I just need some time, and space, to think this through.

Wishing my neighbors to the North a Happy Canada Day & my fellow Americans a Happy, Healthy, & Safe 4th Of July weekend!

copyright © 2017 Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Sometimes You Go Through Things…

Quote Miss Poison Quotes , , , ,

“Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly imagine that there’s a world out there that might have anything else going on. And then the glow cloud moves on. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find, as time passes, that you remember it less and less. Or absolutely not at all, in my case.” ―Cecil Baldwin

New Moon In Cancer

Miss Poison New Moon , , , , ,

newmoonincancer-2017

Tonight is a New Moon in Cancer. There is a wonderful sparkle to this New Moon. Something feels refreshing and even inspiring. Soak in the fabulous energy. Take time to be near water such as a stream, bath, lake, river, waterfall, rain, sea, or the ocean. It is helpful to attune yourself to the Cancer water element. Flow and be. This will refresh, renew, cleanse, and heal you.

This New Moon speaks of new life. It encourages us to have faith in our potential, alongside a deep resolve to ensure that potential is fulfilled. Just as an acorn contains the imprint of the tree it will become, so too do we contain our future selves in a form within us; waiting, slumbering, gestating, until the time is right to come forth into life and purpose.

In the darkness of this New Moon we are invited to dream our future selves into being. This is an intuitive Moon that has so much it wants to share and asks us to be ready to receive. The Cancer New Moon reminds us that no matter how much we resist change, the fact is the change has already happened. We are already transformed, we just haven’t realized it yet. It wants us to stop striving now, to relax, be still and recognize the deep peace within, in which our potential is coming forth. It tells us there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. At this moment, we have everything we need to be who we are meant to be. We are already complete.

The New Moon in Cancer is a good time to commit to personal goals that express the positive energies of the sign of the Crab. These include honoring our deepest, most irrational and intimate feelings, recognizing the sense of security and safety we need from our homes, jobs, family, partners, and friends, allowing ourselves to accept support and offer support to others.

This New Moon we will feel emotional, our feelings will be pulled in all directions making our heads spin, but let them come through, don’t suppress them. Your feelings reveal what you truly love and value. They are your guidance system. Your passion for life is fueled by your feelings. They nourish your creative, artistic, and intuitive abilities. In fact, having all the wealth in the world does not matter if you do not feel good. Your feelings count. Trust your emotional instincts on this New Moon. Tap into your deepest, darkest feelings, for they will reveal who you really are and what you truly want.

Let the waters of Cancer wash over you and cleanse your spirit and soul.

Have a Blessed New Moon. May the Goddess watch over you.

Written & photo credit: Wicca Teachings

Edited by: Lisa Marino