The days and weeks have, unfortunately, blown by. Many have been incredibly unkind. I rarely know what day it is anymore. But today, it dawned on me how long it had been since I’d updated. I am not going to apologize, because it’ll sound like a broken record. None of us wants this. It’s annoying, and it can seem disingenuous.

The past few months have been unexpectedly hard on me. So much seemed to be heading in the right direction, and the crash took me, not by surprise, but it’s made me feel like the victim of multiple assaults via vehicle. That’s only a small part of how I feel.

Pain from my hands to my toes. From my head, up. My entire body has been, “off”, for lack of a better term. At times, the issues I’ve been having and the pain have been so bad, I’ve prayed for my death. All I want is quality of life, and I am constantly being told, NO.

For example, I met a new pain specialist last month who had nothing to offer except x-rays of my neck and lower lumbar spine (To see what everything looks like now. After verifying that I NEVER had a pinched nerve, despite being treated for one; twice!), a mild muscle relaxer which I can take long-term, and a list of treatment methods I’ve already done. I was fed up, mostly because I felt like my appointment took forever. My handwriting wasn’t even legible on the forms I filled out, except for my signature (Yes, I have a real one.).

Despite what this woman rambled on about, I am not stupid enough to do physical and aqua therapy for the next 2 to 5 years of my life before she will act on my pain. What’s worse? She made herself into the victim for having to do some paperwork. REALLY?! I’m in pain 24/7, it is getting increasingly worse, but I should feel bad for her because she gets paid half a million dollars a year to do her fucking job? NO. No fucking way! It was one of the worst attitudes I’ve encountered in a while, and it reminded me why I try to handle all of this without medical intervention. Each new doctor insults me, says or does something completely disrespectful, and/or inappropriate. I expected nothing, and that’s pretty much what I got.

I walked out that day and had no tolerance left for the constant medical gaslighting. I will have the x-rays done ASAP. I will not see this doctor again. I can read the x-ray report myself, and communicate by phone. I will request a new referral to a different pain clinic at a completely different hospital. I spent more time with the intern, who really took the time to get to know me and my history, than I did with the doctor who walked in with a, “There’s nothing I can do for you.” attitude. What bugged me the most was the intern telling me I am still a competitive athlete, and I “can power through this.” Intractable, chronic pain is not something you, “power through” when you aren’t sleeping, can’t do 95% of what you would like to do, and your pain has worsened exponentially in the past year, alone. Sitting is the only time I am semi-comfortable. Sleeping is painful. Walking isn’t always possible. Sudden movement? Not a good idea.

As I write this, I have severe contusions from getting blood work done. My left forearm is deep black, blue, and purple, a vein which produced so little blood, the phlebotomist said it would be disposed of (Lovely! Go on and waste what little I’ve got!). My right hand is a full blown bruise encompassing the entire top of my hand down to my knuckles in lovely shades of red, blue, black, and purple, swollen, and this was just for two vials. What’s worse? My results are confusing. Despite supplementing, eating foods high in vitamin D, and actually being in more direct sunlight than usual this summer, I am once again D deficient. This means two plus months of high-dose supplementation. Ultimately, this also means more testing. Something is wrong, and I can’t figure out precisely what it is just yet. Not without additional answers. This will include a full genetic screening to find out what the hell is going on. If I go missing, I am overbuying Gatorade, coconut water, bottled water, and mushroom elixir (Check out my Instagram page for updates on that!). I started the year off with jasmine rice, egg noodles, and homemade chicken soup. Looks like I will end it in similar fashion.

Summer is officially over on the 23rd, thank G-d! I am looking forward to Fall weather, but not the actual fact that 2023 blew by in a whirlwind of illness, unanswered questions, trying to be strong, suffering, lots of needles, nearly going into complete brain and body meltdown, and my constantly wondering why the medical community hates their patients. I am the perfect example of doctors going against the Hippocratic Oath. They are doing harm. One doctor numbed the back of my head so badly early this year, that she managed to numb my bladder. It’s been close to five months, and I am still experiencing side effects. Just ponder that for a moment, because she completely forgot to tell me it was a possibility.

The Jewish holidays are also approaching, with Rosh Hashanah beginning on the evening of the 15th. I intend to be as low-key as humanly possible for all of the holidays. I will be focusing solely on my health for the remainder of this year, as well as the manuscript I have been hard at work on, along with fun projects I’ve got in the pipeline, which are being held up from a legal perspective, as opposed to procrastination or any kind of laziness on my part. It will all work itself out, this much I know. I (finally!) will meet with a new primary care doctor this Fall, so here’s hoping I do get some answers before I’m old and grey.

For today, that’s my update. Sleepless, writing my ass off, and trying to be present when all I can truly say is, this year has been a fucked up nightmare. Here’s to pulling myself out of it and finding the proper path.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

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