Chronic Insomnia & Trying To Combat Terrorism

I only have a few days to recalibrate before I have to force myself to function like a “normal” human-being. I can’t exactly walk into multiple doctor’s appointments and fall asleep, though that might help the message sink in for some of them. I’ve been trying so hard and today I failed. Epically. I hardly even know what day it is. All I know is that I was in bed last night by 8:45 PM. I was up after 2:00 a.m. due to pain and my cats waking me up, all upset. I couldn’t get the pain to calm down, so I waited for lidocaine and a muscle relaxer to kick in. Once they did, I was out like a light, and I stayed that way. That’s the most disturbing part; I remained asleep and would not have woken up without having a twelve pound cat jumping up onto my head, then to the floor, then back up. She finally made an alarming sound which jolted me awake, and I found myself feeding my cats and trying to figure out who/what/when/where/why and how. I still feel shaky and out of it. Then I saw the news, and I was sick to my stomach.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I’m also sick of the violence directed towards Israeli citizens. Yes, it’s the only Jewish state in the world, but it is also home to Christians, Druze, Muslims, and people of other faiths. Every year, during Ramadan, Arabs attack in completely unprovoked ways and they kill people. Whether they themselves live or die, their families are then paid for the rest of their lives as long as a Jew was killed. That’s YOUR tax dollars, no matter where you live, paying a terrorist and their family. How does that make you feel? Are you sitting in comfort over your vote(s)?

For me, I don’t judge based on party affiliations. It isn’t my business and I don’t feel that politics should decide who my friends are, or aren’t, but the murdering of truly innocent people? Yes, that’s my business because those are my people. I would love to see the reaction of people all over the world if Jews suddenly took to the streets with guns, knives, swords, and other illegal weapons and just started taking people out. Here’s the truth; THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. We’re civilized. We value life. We don’t have “Pay For Slay” programs, because we aren’t sick bastards. We are not evil. Let’s face it; terrorists are evil and they have no religion.

My prayers are with the city of Tel Aviv and those who lost loved ones and have injured loved ones. My prayers are with every single person who had to check in with family to make sure they were safe. Thirteen Israelis have been murdered in less than two weeks, and all I am seeing from the people I know is silence. It makes me question so much about people who claim to be activists or to care about humanity at large. You’ve chosen to leave certain groups out of your activism. That’s selective racism. I am paying attention.

While news comes in from those I know who ARE speaking up, I will experience another night as a chronic insomniac. Worrying about family and friends in so many different countries, all at once, is shattering. I’ll be close to my phone, hoping and praying for news that doesn’t kill more of my soul. Perhaps I’ll even get some work done, and yes, it might be the “too personal” kind, but certain things need to be said and I’ll be damned if I don’t speak up.

Setting my personal health issues aside, of which I’ll have to face some of them next week; I am a writer. I will always be a writer. It just so happens that this time around, the writer is pissed off. Never piss off a writer. We’ve got a way with words. Well, some of us, any way.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Slow, Agonizing Death

This tweet could not be more accurate.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with daily, intense migraines. The app I use actually reminded me that I’ve had a migraine for over sixteen days straight. I don’t normally get them for weeks at a time any more, so my head, face, jaw, spine, and neck HURT. These types of migraines normally stem from rapid barometric pressure changes, and they can really screw with me from a functioning standpoint. Add in proximity to the ocean, and I am in trouble.

In two weeks, I go in for nerve blocks to try and get some relief from all of this. Each block goes into the current pain locations from my face right into my cervical spine. This will only be my second time getting them, but the high chance that the lidocaine will be out of my system in twenty minutes or less is disturbing. Using topical lidocaine patches has proven utterly useless. 😦

To add insult to injury, I MUST find a new primary care physician and hope that my pain can finally be properly diagnosed and addressed. There’s a strong likelihood the rheumatologist I saw misdiagnosed me. His misdiagnosis rate is about 90%, or higher, and my pain has since switched from full body pain (which is still present), to excruciating pain in my joints, especially my jaw, elbows, right hip flexor, ankles, hands, and every damn bone in my feet. I am legitimately too young for this much torture. Every day of my life is a negotiation in survival. I know I am not alone in this, but it certainly feels like I am. The more pain I’m in, the more my mental health declines. It is a depressing, vicious cycle.

Cleansing The Silent Anger

Over the past year, a lot has changed for me. Wonderful things, many wonderful opportunities. Amazing things which I’ve kept quiet about because I firmly believe in not feeding my own ego. I take a victorious moment and then I might share it with my nearest and dearest (Not always.), but I don’t make a big deal out of anything I have worked hard for. Probably because I am a realist; I know how quickly something can go awry, and how easily one can be left with nothing. Also, bragging genuinely isn’t my style. It repulses me.

As I’ve suffered and struggled these past few weeks health-wise, I’ve made some important decisions. I have chosen to do a social media cleanse, to the best of my ability. I refuse to be the person with her phone in her hand constantly throughout each day. Unless it’s work e-mail, it can wait. Hell, most work e-mails were on hold this week until early Friday morning, and if I haven’t answered something, that means I have not seen it. I’ve changed e-mail addresses and would prefer to keep my work and personal life separate.

Social media is mind-numbing and has become an unhealthy habit (for me). During last weekend’s blizzard, I spoke only to two people, and a third briefly checked in after the storm was over and clean-up was stressful. Eventually, I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I took care of ME, and only me. For someone who isn’t selfish, shutting everything down was difficult, but necessary. By Monday, I almost felt cleansed and free, but things quickly escalated and once again, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone who did not fully understand where I am coming from. Sometimes people say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”, but ultimately the rest of their behavior is clear; they don’t actually care about what you’re dealing with at all. They’re just being polite-ish for the sake of civilized politeness. Most people would not pick up on that shift, but I do. You’ve got to be careful talking to me because I pick up on everything.

Due to my fiercely transparent honesty, I have faced antisemitism and hateful harassment, which extended to death threats. This has been going on since May of last year, when Hamas chose to attack Israel from Gaza. People accused me of being part of a terrorist and apartheid regime. None of these things take place in Israel. It is the most diverse country in the entirety of the Middle East. Alas, new levels, new devils. 😒 It appears many people don’t realize they can be arrested and prosecuted for online hate speech and harassment, and can absolutely have charges pressed against them for death threats. Each threat can mean jail-time, so don’t feel comfortable hating on people publicly. Maybe take it down a hundred notches and read a book or something to distract yourself. Yes, I’m being hella sarcastic.

The threats were such that I took my About page down temporarily then, and again when things started up for a second time weeks ago. I have not seen a single person on WordPress state that any of this is wrong, or let me know where they stand on this subject. I have received zero solidarity from my fellow writers, except for those who are also Jewish. The silence is deafening. The excuses are absurd. Last time I checked, it was 2022. Stand for something or fuck off with your anti-racism bullshit, which is precisely what I said it is, BULLSHIT. It’s selective racism. It is a choice. Google it; I’ve written about it before.

For the past week, Whoopi Goldberg made headlines with some incredibly ignorant remarks regarding race and the Holocaust, resulting in a two-week suspension from The View. She’s worth sixty million dollars, has a distinctly Jewish surname which she chose to take on when her career began (“To get ahead, because Jews have more success in Hollywood.” Seriously?! That statement is untrue.), but she’s going to tell Jews the Holocaust was about white people versus white people, which basically states that racism only occurs between black and white people. She could not be further from the truth if she tried, and other comments she’s made are resurfacing, as well.

I’m kind of numb to the stupidity of this ignorance, especially as a lifelong fan who is genuinely ashamed of her. Let me be honest here; my black, Jewish, and Christian friends are calling for her to be fired. Others want her to be educated. Yad Vashem has reached out to her. The View itself is carrying on like nothing was said; which I find even more despicable. Is this the 2022 Jews have to face? I don’t fucking think so. I adamantly refuse. If you are going to speak about any subject that is sensitive and affects millions of people, at least do your homework before opening your mouth. Most especially when you are well aware of how much Jews have been singled out as targets with the past two years being the worst amounts of hate crimes against Jews since before the Holocaust. Let that sink in.

Cancel culture being what it is, I don’t want fake apologies. I want educated, intelligent, well thought-out apologies if you’re going to be that stupid. I’m baffled by the special treatment aspect of a two week suspension. Really? Two weeks where she is paid and can basically take a vacation? That’s her “punishment”? Not dissimilar to the way Nick Cannon was treated when he also made far more despicable remarks. He was fired, made amends, and was handed his job back. Let me be clear; there’s racism involved in both moves because if a blonde, blue-eyed Republican tore the Holocaust apart on national television, they would be fired immediately. There would be zero hesitation involved, so to hear ABC staffers questioning why she wasn’t fired; yes, there’s a double-standard. If I went on any kind of anti-tangent in an attempt to dictate my way of seeing things in such a manner, not only would I lose my reputation, but I’d be attacked far worse than that. So yes, it’s absolutely about racism at the end of the day, and it makes me ill.

Yeah, it was a heavy month. I am justifiably angry. As such, the social media break is necessary and I’m putting other things into priority status during said break. I’ll be around. I will write again, but I need some time. I feel like this is relatively self-explanatory. It isn’t black and white; this is the grey area.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. Excerpts and quotes from author material also requires consent.

Wordless

Of late, the few pieces I began working on for all of you have seemingly gone off the rails. I find myself triggered, upset, angry, introspective, and a myriad of other emotions. These are not emotions conducive to writing the truth. It requires me to take a step back, work on healing, and then move forward slowly, and with grace. I hope you can remain patient with me, and when I do share what I’ve written, that you will be able to really hear me in the words.

Last week ended badly, the weekend was so traumatizing, and I ended up heavily triggered Monday into Tuesday, without realizing it until I was ass deep in alligators. This resulted in me returning home from a medical procedure yesterday afternoon, and actually having a bad reaction for maybe the third time ever. I found myself huddled under a blanket, writing, shivering, and physically shaking. I had eaten, but hadn’t hit the right amount of calories because I was so nauseous. It carried over into this morning with more shaking. Hell, I am shaking as I type this, and I’ve eaten a balanced, nutritious meal over an hour ago. It’s as if all my muscles are trying to detach themselves from my bones. That’s the only way I can describe it.

I made a decision a few years ago, when it all started, not to share what I am going through medically. Mostly because I don’t want to hear people’s judgmental comments, or ever feel like I have to justify my personal health choices/decisions to anyone. Let me be clear: I will not validate anything to anyone. They were not in the room with me when I received the information and they were not there to balance the positives versus potential negatives.

I have already heard how people perceive this without ever realizing that millions of people benefit medically from some questionable options presented to them. It is life or death. It is quality of life over torturous agony. They are making such rude assessments, all while not knowing I am doing something smart in order to help myself. The very thing they are sitting in judgment over. Judge away; I know my truth, and I know the person I am.

The percentage of personal information shared here is so minute, yet often seems like a lot. It’s made me question how much should be shared publicly. In fairness, I know what I am doing and saying, and I only try to share what absolutely matters. There are boundaries, though. Sometimes more than I ever imagined I’d need.

I am going to take a bit of time to step back and breathe. I need mental healing time. I need to get some restorative sleep. I need to talk to my tribe and truly heal the physical and mental aspect of all this, because before long, I have to turn around and do this all over again. I have very little support, but thankfully a friend is moving a few hours away soon, and this will bring forth some happier times ahead. It’s time to explore and find a balance because stress is breaking me down from head to toe. I feel it in my body and it’s not good. The amount of joint pain I experience every day of my life is beyond excruciating, and there is no end in sight.

And so it goes… A small dose of Kratom. A lot of ice water. Arnica for the obscene bruising. Bed. Maybe I’ll feel human tomorrow. That’s an enormous maybe.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.