I’ve Built…

It has always been important to me to be transparent about my shortcomings and the strengths. I don’t try to pretty anything up. Too often, people pretend their lives are so perfect online, with perfectly posed, edited photos, but you never see the truth of what goes on behind closed doors because all they care about is the imagery. That’s not what attracts me to people or to their work. Honesty and humor attract me. Real humor; the kind that isn’t forced, that isn’t passive aggressive, the kind that is wholly natural. It takes a lot to make me laugh. In the past week or so, I’ve maybe laughed four times. Each time, my cats came to see what was going on. “Is she having a stroke? Should we get help?”, they probably wondered. Of late, laughter hasn’t exactly flowed.

As an extremely private person, I still know that being forthcoming about my suffering (From A to Z) has helped others get help, come out of their shells, talk, trust again… I know this because they have e-mailed, messaged, and shared these facts with me, even if it took them a few years to say anything. I didn’t know my voice would help people, but it has and it will continue to do so, because I know the power of using your voice for change.

Wishing you all a safe, warm, stress-free weekend.

P.S. I will be listing charities ASAP who are helping out with the crisis in Texas. Every penny helps. It took our government way too long to respond to the need for help, and our own people were forced to endure this without an immediate helping hand. It’s disgusting beyond words. It’s Puerto Rico and Hurricane Katrina all over again, and it is NOT acceptable.

I know people who are 6-7 days without power and who have no clean water. Power is being restored slowly, and many are afraid of what will happen when they return to their homes. Will the pipes have burst (A much more common occurrence in colder climates.)? Will they be able to return home safely? They have no idea what they’re walking into. They are NOT prepared for the kind of weather they got. Never again should states be lacking a strong electrical grid, not have adequate salt, sand, and plows for snow removal, etc. This is not being discussed enough! I’ll do my part and hopefully there can be some unity in this country to help where needed.

People Assume…

“Mental illness.

People assume you aren’t sick unless they see the sickness on your skin, like scars forming a map of all the ways you’re hurting.

My heart is a prison of, Have you trieds. ‘Have you tried exercising? Have you tried eating better? Have you tried not being sad, not being sick? Have you tried being more like me?’ Have you tried shutting up?!

Yes, I have tried. Yes, I am still trying, and yes, I am still sick.

Sometimes monsters are invisible, and sometimes demons attack you from the inside. Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth, does not mean they aren’t ripping through me. Pain does not need to be seen to be felt. Telling me there is no problem, won’t solve the problem.

This is not how miracles are born. This is not how sickness works.” ― Emm Roy

Chronic Pain Awareness Month: Part II

I had x-rays done of half my body over the weekend. My results show nothing new (The radiologist was able to compare two to previous x-rays from 2018 and 2019.), and they completely denounce a phone diagnosis from late May; a diagnosis I did not believe for a second.

Even with natural pain remedies at hand, I’m suffering. They wear off so suddenly, you have no time to regroup. Despite having a prescription on hand, I haven’t touched it other than to verify the count. 😦 The deeper reality is: I have no idea when or if I will be prescribed pain medication again. I’m not “stocking up”, but I am saving them for “the worst”. The worst can be at a moment’s notice, tomorrow, or a week from now. It can be so sudden, so I am trying to be prepared.

My doctor is inconsistent regarding treatment methods, and he is out of the office this week. I sent him a brief e-mail letting him know I’d discuss this with him when he is back in the office.

Reading the x-rays was upsetting. Slight changes in the cervical spine, where I’ve already been diagnosed with arthritis. Slight changes to lower lumbar spine, where I was hit in the lower back in January of 2019. The radiologist recommended additional imaging and tests to rule certain things out. My doctor e-mailed a reply and glossed over this completely. He tried to say I have a pinched nerve; which did NOT show up on the x-rays. I came away angry, because if you’re going to make a claim like that, I want imagine to show I have it. I don’t want to be told I should, “Have a nerve block performed.” Where would it go?!

I’m tired. Tired of suffering. Tired of being in pain. Tired of the isolation. Tired of not being able to talk to too many people. And tired of the media hyping up ADDICTION in order to punish patients who suffer from chronic pain. I’m a patient. I have never used heroin, cocaine, illegal Fentanyl, ecstasy, you get the drift. I’ve never been attached to drugs; regardless of their status. But I do believe the DEA needs to get the fuck away from doctors and mind their own damn business regarding how patients are treated in terms of access to medication.

Every single day, I worry if I will be a device victim. Someone who is told, “We can put a pain pump in and refill it each month.”, in order to restore me to 25-50% quality of life. There are other things one has to worry about when a device is installed into their body; like leakage. I know people who’ve nearly died and had to sue the device company over the medication overdosing them, or not dosing them properly at all. Devices aren’t an exact science, despite what they will all have you believe. Their safety comes into question, and I know a lot of people with spinal cord stimulators who are waiting to have them removed because the device completely failed them. They are marketed as the “answer”. They are not.

I keep hoping for the right doctors, but today, I feel dejected.

A Caturday of Silence

X-rays of half my body tomorrow. 😦 I’m trying not to work myself up into a stress frenzy. Ultimately, the results will be whatever they are. There’s nothing I can do to change anything. I just have to move forward the best way I know how. Surgery is not on the table and I’d never agree to it, but this pain… There are a a LOT of days when I consider giving up. More to follow, as it is Chronic Pain Awareness Month.

A Splash of Humor, A Heap of Honesty

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Started a post early this morning that isn’t done yet. When a migraine threatens to birth enormous puppies of agonizing torture through your skull, you need to sleep and hope it’ll help. Unfortunately, I woke up and it was worse, so I left a message for my doctor’s office to get back to me. My abortive drug is failing me, so maybe my doctor can recommend a newer one. I’m pretty fed up with her inability to return a phone call in a timely fashion. Over six weeks isn’t even remotely close to acceptable.

I will try to finish what I’m writing ASAP. I’ve probably made my decision already in terms of what to do and how to handle the issue, but occasionally I appreciate mild input.

Tonight, my major plan is to make dinner, hydrate as much as humanly possible, and go to bed before 10:30. I think that’s fair because I have so much to do and lost today because I’m sick.

It’s important for people who don’t suffer from chronic pain to understand that sick days are NOT an, “excuse”. I’ve NEVER used my illnesses as an excuse for anything. An explanation? YES.

If you’re an obsessive compulsive, Type A personality, you probably need to learn that you’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. I don’t respond to outbursts, tantrums, and unacceptable rage behavior. I don’t respond to name-calling and accusations. Until I do, and then you’ll wish you hadn’t pushed this particular dragon. So when I say I’m sick and I’m trying to sleep, LET ME BE. My pain and suffering isn’t trying to inconvenience anyone. And if that’s how you think and you’re unable to comprehend true suffering, I strongly suggest you find yourself a good psychiatrist and therapist to help you work on your issues so you don’t dole out your tyranny over someone who is already doing the best they can. No one is implying you be a pushover, but pushing someone who is already sick enough means you’re adding to their pain. Is that REALLY who you want to be?

I hope you’re all well and doing the best you can given the circumstances. Today is day ten of my second round of quarantine. I pray this is resolved soon because this is a terribly unhealthy situation for so many of us. I’m glad to see companies stepping up to help with sanitizing and cleaning products, with producing ventilators, and all the people I know right now who are home sewing masks for their local or regional hospital staff. There are some damn good people out there doing their best.

Talk to you all soon.

Always,

lisa