At the beginning of last month, my world began to cave in on me. There’s nothing like finding yourself on a city street feeling confused, disoriented, and so stressed, you couldn’t even figure out where you were, or why. I was unsafe and needed to quickly get to safety. Once I did, my brain couldn’t catch up. I was able to communicate via text and written messages, but I couldn’t fully express the shape I was in, or how much help I needed, and still need. Even now, the realization shocks me.

The worst part was the following day; sitting early in the morning as my body and mind began to collapse in on each other. Shooting pains from head to toe. Swollen eyes, joints, and this excruciating non-stop pain in my body. I couldn’t be calm. I had a vicious migraines, a foggy mind, and I was scared. I reached a point where I couldn’t walk. Stress was beginning to break me. I kept thinking, “You’re going to have a heart attack or a stroke. You NEED your mind. You cannot let this happen.” And so, I decided to press pause and take care of myself. I needed rest, and I still do. When you are a survivor in fight mode, you do not know when to stop or slow down. Stopping means death. In this particular case, it genuinely was almost the end of my life from complete burn out. Even as I type this, I am not okay. Not even close.

Obviously, it’s been a difficult time. I had to set so much aside to try and heal. To truly rest my body and mind. I’m not quite there, yet. I am struggling daily; most especially with sleep, pain, and keeping my brain calm. 2023 has been one of the hardest years of my life, and that’s saying something considering all I have been through, thus far. This was not the kind of year I anticipated or planned for.

I wish I had been able to come here and say all of this. I told practically no one what I was going through, and that includes people I am extremely close to. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my pain, and to this day, I feel like the very concept of emotional support is laughable. I have never felt more alone, despite having people in my life who *might* be willing to help. Most people have their own shit to deal with, and they lack the ability to listen. They don’t want or need my problems on top of their own. No, that’s not martyrdom; this is what it’s like when you’re an unselfish person. You help others, but you never receive what you need in return because people look at you and fully believe that no natter what, you’ll be fine. I can’t tell you how many people say this at funerals. “I thought she was fine.” She wasn’t. She isn’t.

I would have written more this month if I had felt better. I don’t, and I have no idea what July has in store. For so many years, I posted daily in some capacity. This year is not a “daily” kind of year. I wish it were. I wish things felt normal. They don’t, because they aren’t anywhere near normal. I can only hope things will get better and normalize, with time. How much time? I have no idea. It is better to be honest, as opposed to pretending you have all the answers.

As Americans move into a holiday weekend, please aim for safety. It’s hard to feel good about the 4th of July as we watch important things be decimated, like affirmative action. We are just slightly over a year from Roe v. Wade being overturned, and a large amount of states standing behind it. Women trying to dictate to other women what we can do with our own bodies; it’s fucking disgusting. I’m proud to be from a state which chooses to give the Supreme Court a gigantic middle finger. and protects women’s rights.

More will happen. God only knows what, but it’s coming. The world is changing, and not necessarily in good ways. Remember to register to vote and do so accordingly. A lot of sycophants need to be removed from office via your vote. Others need to be voted in. I will be voting out hate, and voting in change. If you’re not sure where to start and would like more information for your state, please go to A Starting Point.

May July be a greater month for us all. Enjoy something, and thank you for sticking with me. Bright Blessings.

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