I was asked about my family history when I was diagnosed. Two doctors believe I inherited it from my mother’s side of the family, but without genetic testing to determine this for fact, I’ll never know.
It’s no secret; I HATE summer. Unbearable heat, humidity, endless days of sun; they simply weren’t meant for someone like me. Fall is my favorite season (Two guesses why.), but Winter is a close second. That is why I am relieved to say goodbye to August and hello to the cooler temperatures ahead.
This year has been HELL. On some levels, I’ve made great strides and on other levels, I feel stuck, trapped, and genuinely unhappy. I look forward to new people, new achievements, new goals, new forms of happiness, new successes, and pretty much all things NEW. And while that means delving into my past and ridding myself of a lot of negativity, I am all right with that. I am all right with the hard labor that will involve, so long as it opens up a new, fresh chapter that can be lighter, fresher, and ultimately, happier. I don’t always like change when it’s forced upon me, as my recent changes have been, but I look forward to making lemon drop martinis out of the lemons I’ve been handed. If I look at it any differently, it will only continue to traumatize and harm me, so I am doing my best to place a positive spin on it, because to go in reverse is not how you move on to better things.
A lot of people in life settle. I’ve heard way too many people say they married someone “because they asked”, not “because I genuinely love him/her”, but “because they asked”. That’s not reason enough for me, or I would have been married in junior high school! Yes, that’s when the majority of my marriage proposals began, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I may not believe in marriage at the moment, but I don’t ever want to settle for things I’m not happy with, or settle for someone who I don’t fully believe in. That’s like going to your favorite restaurant and ordering something off the menu that’s passable, but something you know won’t make you happy in terms of choice. Just thinking about it makes it sour in my mind. I won’t settle in any aspect of my life. Perhaps it’s why I am so challenging and difficult. I know who I am and what I’m capable of, and when people try to box me into their thought process or desire for me to be their vision of who I should be, I’m always going to rail against it. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone, I just have to be able to live with myself.
This month has taught me who is truly important in my life. As usual, the numbers diminish a little, and that’s okay. As people show you their true colors, you’re able to see everything and everyone a lot more clearly. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may upset you or piss you off initially, but ultimately, assholes and idiots, on occasion, help you make big choices. Life is a labyrinth of learning. Knowledge is power, and I feel like people forget that sometimes.
I move into September focused on my health, on my brother’s health and helping him as much as humanly possible (I am in the process of setting the fundraiser up. A detailed post will accompany it for those who didn’t read my previous post about feeling like this was the right thing to do for him. If I wasn’t deeply concerned, I’d never do something like this, but I am.), and on trashing the old, keeping as many good memories as possible, and learning that not everything needs to be held on to forever.
We come into this world naked and crying. We leave this world alone, even if we are surrounded by loved ones. None of our worldly possessions can go with us, though I’ve seen many people try. So, take stock of your life and don’t forget to look after loved ones to the best of your ability. Sometimes it’s a struggle, but it would be far worse if you had to live with regrets for the things you did not do when you had the chance to be present.
If I didn’t have loved ones and responsibilities, I’d have checked out a long time ago. I will never lie about that, because it’s always in the back of my mind, but today, I am trying to focus on being rinsed clean of all the bullshit and drama.
Here’s to a new month! Goodbye, August. I am happy to see you go. Wishing you all blessings, good health, and happiness for the month ahead. 🙂
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Looking forward to Gavin’s new album. He never disappoints.
“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.” —Alice Domar
If you use Kratom, I suggest stocking up in case this becomes a larger issue. This is just another way that the DEA is trying to harm pain patients and take away our rights. It’s completely unacceptable. This is a non-addictive pain reliever. I know, because I’ve used it. The only side effect I ever had was a headache. I suffer from migraines, a headache is NOTHING by comparison.
Hello everyone! I haven’t been around much of late, and for that I am sorry, even though I know apologies aren’t necessary.
I am dealing with a family crisis and quite frankly, I’ve lost my temper and I’m one of the most unpleasant people at the moment to deal with (not that I’m all that pleasant on other days ending in Y). I’m about 0.1 seconds from utterly snapping. I’d love to be able to blame that on PMS, but the truth is, my first reaction to things isn’t always the perfect reaction, which is why I like to step away from a lot of situations, if I can, before I react. When they say stress is the leading killer, whoever “they” are, they’re right. I thought I was going to have a stress-induced heart attack last night. 😦
After apologizing to the person I yelled at, I realized that I truly see the world differently than others. I’m not a “There are so many good people in the world.” kind of person. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the world, even as a child, with that level of naiveté. I see evil walking around disguised as “people”, and on occasion you come across a few angels looking out for others, but on a whole, this world is not chock full of good in every direction one turns in. If it were merely me, I would keep on keeping on, but when it affects someone close to me; I go ape-shit.
For those who’ve asked: Yes, I did find my brother. He got in touch with me late Tuesday morning and explained what happened, as well as his nearly two-week absence. I would like to thank the Falls Township Police Department for their assistance and to the cop that assisted me personally, who was 100% nicer to me when I called to let him know I’d found my brother. His entire demeanor changed after that, and he told me to get in touch with him if I ever need anything in the future. That was a nice moment. Not many cops send you an e-mail and include all of their contact information in case you ever need something in the future. Major points were scored for that one.
On the downside, finding my brother “safe & sound”, sort of, didn’t even last a full three and a half days before something truly horrible happened, something I’ve been concerned about for months now. All I can do in this moment is be supportive and help him get medical care because his heart isn’t good, despite having had bypass surgery last year. He is in pre-kidney failure and requires a supplement to help it (I’m not 100% sure that even he knows what it does or doesn’t do. I just know that it’s expensive and he needs it.), and his insurance chose the absolute worst time to cut him off. He is now without much-needed medication (roughly 10-12 prescriptions that must be taken daily. He has already been without these drugs long enough for damage to re-occur.) that keep his heart functioning and other things at a normal rate. I have no idea when the insurance company will start paying for his care again. Because of this, I will be posting an online fundraiser ASAP for emergency assistance. Every penny will go towards his medication and doctors visits until he has insurance backing him again. Unfortunately, they’re not very speedy, it took several months for it to be processed last time, and despite reaching out to pharmaceutical companies and various charities, no one is willing to assist him with what he needs, mostly because, despite the older ones being generics, a lot of these medications add up. This is life or death. I don’t ask for myself, but I do ask that if you can help in any way, however large or small, it is going to someone who truly needs it. If the link doesn’t go up this week (My mind can barely concentrate on the paint on the wall, much less the logistics required for this sort of thing, so bear with me.) and you are able to contribute something immediately, I will provide you with the direct information if you leave a comment or e-mail me. If you require more information, just ask. I won’t violate his privacy, but I can elaborate for those who are afraid of being scammed (Unfortunately, this does happen and I am all too aware of it. I think that is disgusting, because so many people are truly in need. I’ve never understood the scamming mentality.). For my brother, I am willing to swallow my pride and ask for much-needed help.
And now, I am going to try catching some desperately needed rest because today really IS a Monday and I can’t afford to lay in bed all day. Naturally, I wish I had better things to say as well, but I’m doing my best.
I will be back soon, and hopefully get the fundraiser going the second my foggy brain allows it.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.