I mostly rank this month with a gigantic middle finger. January did me dirty in more ways than one. I don’t really know how, when, or if I’ll recover from the deeper damage caused. 

I saw the spine specialist this week. He gave me three options as a potential diagnosis and then tried to send me to physical therapy and aqua therapy. I was disgusted by the “It’ll probably heal in a few more weeks because you’re VERY pain sensitive.” attitude, and said, “I really need to know if there’s internal damage. Can we do x-rays so I know for certain if there’s more wrong?” I love when a doctor tells me, “I’m not opposed to ordering x-rays.” Yeah, the look on my face wasn’t pretty, but his back was turned and I wouldn’t have cared, regardless. I’m having the x-rays done Saturday. I could have attempted to do them when I was there, but the place was jam-packed with sick people, tissues, masks, the whole nine yards, and a lot of people were there for sonograms and ultrasounds, so I did the math and said I’d come back. Quite frankly, I was grossed out and wanted to Lysol the entire building. I have had a bit of a cold for about a month or so, and the last thing I want to do is be exposed to people who have the flu and apparently, every other person has it at the moment. 😦 Flu shots aren’t helping everyone, please keep this in mind. 

If the outcome is what I suspect, I’m hoping to avoid surgery. It’s my spine and that’s dangerous territory since I know the procedure and it’s failure rate. My Mom had it done and it left her partially paralyzed. I’m not ever going to trust a surgeon again. If it’s permanent, I’m worried about pain management and how my body will cope moving forward. It’s all shits and giggles until it’s permanent and you need to have quality of life for the rest of your life. Certain types of internal damage will not show up on an x-ray or an MRI. That makes it worse. You can have something and not even be able to prove it, except for the fact that I now limp around like I’m 104 and I am really struggling with sitting and turning. I love being able to walk and get toxic energy out of my system in a healthy manner, so not being able to get in 3-4 miles once or twice a week is messing with my head. I feel trapped and I hate it. 

He prescribed (PLEASE LAUGH, because I nearly did. My exact words were, “Is it 1985?”) 2000 mgs of Tylenol and prescription strength Aleve, along with weaker muscle relaxers than the ones I currently take. Once again, he did not believe my pain. He’s the second doctor this month to not take my pain seriously. I called his office Wednesday afternoon and let him know that this combination immediately caused stomach pains and I’m not moving forward with it. Did he get back to me? No. Am I disgusted? Hell yes.

I loved being told that if I’m not better in two or three weeks, he’ll order an MRI. Really? We’re negotiating tests regarding my health? What kind of shit is this?! I trust him to wash a car, but I don’t trust him to treat me properly or take my pain seriously, so I will definitely be getting a second opinion, regardless of the outcome of the tests. I’m obviously upset, but mostly, I want to be able to move on with my life in some way. There’s no amount of money that can be thrown at me that will alleviate the suffering I have endured and will continue to endure. When you’re throwing up from pain for nearly two weeks, it’s not good. For a doctor to not empathize or understand that is mind-blowing to me. I am hoping to start CBD taffy as soon as possible. I can’t really afford to blow the $50, but I can’t afford to be in pain, either. I pray it works.

I have to thank my incredibly supportive friends who have helped me tremendously this past month, and always. I am blessed with amazing friends and one pointed out that I’m blessed with these friendships because I am an amazing friend in kind. Sometimes, you need to hear that and feel it.

I hope and pray that February is kinder and gentler to me, and to us all. Thank you for reading, for leaving me messages, and for being my place to go and share my life in a deeply personal way, at times. I will be back with something new soon.

copyright 2019 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. All written work may not be re-posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. This authors’ work and personal photos are protected under United States and International copyright laws. Additional protection is covered under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.