“I just want my stories to be mine.” ―Lidia Yuknavitch
I am in the midst of a heat wave induced flare-up, especially with stormy weather approaching. The same pain which started up for me last May has resurfaced. I went from a four to a, “Please let me die in peace.” level of pain today, which no one should be forced to endure. There’s only so much medical abandonment people can take before they completely lose their minds.
I haven’t completed two articles for this site because I am legitimately too angry to write. Not passing anger, as in, “I just need a few weeks to calm down.”, but pure, unadulterated RAGE, and it’s getting worse. If anyone has to ask why, then they haven’ been paying attention to anything going on in the world. Privilege is when you ignore everything you think does not effect you. Read that again.
I pray July will bring blessings, prosperity, and calm to all. Some of us need a break from the daily influx, and others will forge ahead, no matter what. I fall somewhere in between the two.
I hope to be back here in full-force soon, but in the meantime, I hope everyone is all right.
Blue for Solidarity. Blue to End Jew Hatred. Blue to show you are Jewish, or an ally of the Jewish people.
I have watched the majority of my friends be silent on this matter since it began. I’ve had less than four of my friends say something to me directly. Listening to the Jewish community doubt their long-term friendships, people of color whom they have defended openly and loudly, is heartbreaking. Everyone is questioning if you’ve harbored hatred toward us as you sit in silence. I ask myself the same question.
There is now a ceasefire. That’s code for, “Until Hamas gets their next shipment of weapons from Iran, China, and/or Russia, and subsequently breaks the agreement.” The rise in anti-Semitism and anti-Semitic attacks is sky high. The behaviorial patterns are not dissimilar to what happened before the rise of Nazi Germany. The online campaign of lies and hate are modern-day pogroms. This appears to have been orchestrated in advance, and I feel bad for people who fell for the horse manure. They are choosing not to see the truth, hiding behind racist activism, not educated activism. If any of these things were true, don’t you think Israeli tourists and citizens would have called it out? The answer is, yes. People wouldn’t flock in droves to Israel, or immigrate there, if horrible atrocities occurred every single day in broad daylight. People aren’t blind, but many are easily brainwashed.
I realize most people aren’t knowledgeable about the region and haven’t needed to be, so right now I advise you to talk to Jewish friends for insight. And by, “Jewish friends”, I do not mean people who deny the right for Israel to exist. Talk to Zionists. We know the meaning of the word (If you deny our right to exist as a people and a nation, then you are an enemy, not an ally. You are saying what Gazans say: If you’re still alive after we try to kill all of you, then you have no place to call home. Think about that for a moment.), and we also know that before Israel was renamed and the ancestral land declared the “Jewish State” by the U.N. and foreign governments, we bought back the land. It’s only a portion of the original Kingdom of Judea. The other portion is Jordan, and we have never asked for it to be returned. Israel was a wasteland in the 40s. It was under British rule, and was a token “return”. Arabs killed us for this. They have been trying to eliminate us and drive us away for centuries, and their hate is a very sick, twisted thing. They will always claim that Jews tried to harm them first, which is baseless. There are no Jews in Muslim countries. We are not allowed entry. Tell me again about racism and apartheid.
People are being attacked at restaurants, bus stops, walking the street with their families. There was an attack in the Diamond District of New York City. How the hell can you sit in silence?! There have been lynchings. There are people being beaten to death because the psychotic, terrorist leadership of Hamas and Hezbollah told them to do so. They even told them exactly where to stab us, and which arteries to aim for. Worse? These people will be paid for the rest of their lives for killing a Jew. It’s called, “Pay For Slay”, and I will be sharing facts on that in a broader piece.
In a nutshell, that’s part of what is truly going on in Israel; there is no apartheid going on, 550 people are NOT being evicted, there are no war crimes happening on the Israeli side, and there are no unprovoked attacks by Israel. Nothing is withheld from Gaza by Israel. They receive shipments of food, medical supplies, gas, and more. They get free water and electricity from Israel. They further receive billions in foreign aid, which they turn into tunnels to terrorize Israeli civilians, as opposed to building Gaza up into something worthwhile. The foreign aid also goes towards rockets they inaccurately shoot in our direction, and then turn around and blame us for murdering their own people. Those rockets cost a fortune, and no matter where you may live, you have probably unknowingly helped fund terror somewhere in this world.
They received land that was established. Farms in working order. Schools and other buildings were all functional. They chose to destroy it. They choose to burn things, to brainwash their people, to use children as human shields, and now they feel comfortable enough to be violent all over the world.
Fact: Jews cannot cross into Gaza. They will be shot on sight, or worse. Two Israeli citizens have been kidnapped and not been returned; and this includes someone who is mentally ill.
Their hatred isn’t just for Jews, though. It is for anyone who is not them. That means if you are not a radical Islamist who will willingly join their “jihad”, they will kill you and celebrate your death. LGBTQ+ community? They will murder you; which is why anyone who is Muslim and gay will leave Muslim countries for fear of being tortured and killed. They leave to feel safe and to receive protection. So for those of you who’ve shown your signs for, “Palestine”, you are showing support for people who would cheerfully murder you in cold blood and pray for you to go to hell. You might want to re-think your priorities.
“Israeli” doesn’t always mean, “Jewish”. There are plenty of other faiths practicing in the country and people from all over the world are employed in Israel. It is the ONLY democracy in the Middle East. In many cases, it is safer there than it is in Times Square, except now, even during a ceasefire, there are Arabs in the street chanting for the death of Jews. On Shabbat. Does that sound like they want peace?
I’ve seen the anti-Semitic posts from so many people; those who don’t fact check before they open their mouths about something they don’t know anything about. Today I’m seeing a handful of allies showing their support. THANK YOU. I will remember who stood against Anti-Semitism, who spoke up, and who ignored it. We ALL will, because as a community, Jews are paying attention. We’re not going to be silenced or told we cannot speak the truth. We AREN’T returning to Nazi Germany, nor will we support such sympathizers. We are stronger than hate.
This is not an argument over land. though the Arabs feel entitled to lay claim over that which they have no historical ties to. They’ve assumed and adopted a false identity given to them in 1964 by an Egyptian who led the PLO. They are pursing this false narrative. The reality is quite alarming. Alas, it IS really an argument about global hatred and people feeling entitled to physically attack, harm, and kill us for existing. They are doing precisely what they accuse us of, so it is my hope that you now see the truth. It’s too large a majority of hatred for me to be sympathetic. That’s my choice and has nothing to do with anyone else. I’ve reached my tolerance level, period. I am tired of all the selective racism and selective activism. There are triple digit hypocrites walking around like nothing is happening, and that’s not okay with me. It shows me that everyone who complains about systemic racism actually contributes to it, so basically, it’s not going anywhere and we are ALL targets for hatred, regardless of our skin color, faith, etc. Please be safe this weekend. I’m praying for lives, because I know that peace is too lofty an expectation, and I’m not going to pretend. My readers deserve better than that.
Also, those who are criticizing the Israeli government are also spreading a false narrative. Please do your own homework before running your mouth, and first take a long, hard look at your own government. Nothing is perfect, freedom isn’t free, and we have to acknowledge these things. We have to stick to the facts. Period.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
May. The month of darkness. The month of flashbacks, nightmares, anger at being robbed of loved ones… It’s hell. I suffer silently; no one is particularly interested in what I have to say. I remind myself it isn’t personal, some people simply aren’t full-fledged human beings. C’est la vie.
Thirteen years ago tonight, my mother’s heart gave out. I got the phone call, “We’re trying to revive her, but…” The BUT was my mother’s DNR; a point of contention between us for years. I had power of attorney and I remember saying, “Screw the DNR. If she can be revived, you save her life.” An hour later and I knew. I remember looking at the clock, in pure silence, and knowing the exact moment when she left. When I received her death certificate, the time was not a shock, but it jolted me. My life was permanently altered. I feel like I’ve lived a nightmare almost every day since.
One of the most important messages my mother instilled in me was to ALWAYS be honest and speak up for my beliefs. I am not a passive, gullible, peace-keeper; I was built for war and educated argument. My mother knew, before I was born, that I was strong and a force to be reckoned with. That’s the kind of daughter she wanted; one who would always speak her mind, one who would not pretend, and one who wouldn’t take shit from anyone, because she’d know her worth and would not be afraid of walking into rooms and being a strong, powerful, determined individual. I suspect she got what she ordered. 😉
My parents taught my brother and I to focus on facts, and to know when we were being lied to. Not everyone is blessed with intuitive education. I was not taught to hate. I am an intuitive person with a mind which pays attention to details others might miss. Micro-aggressions, body language, any shift in behavior or verbal tone is something I will notice. I am grateful for these things, because I know other parents weren’t teaching such things, and because much of this knowledge has saved my life in many situations.
My mother was the best. I was blessed with someone truly devoted to her children, imperfections aside, because NO ONE is perfect. We’re all human.
I miss you. There are no words for the amount of pain I am still trying to work through. Time does not heal a damn thing. Not in this situation.
Due to a dozen or so death threats (Unfortunately, I have to involve law enforcement. It is not something I want to do, but I know the laws. Local and state LEOs have to be notified.), I have chosen to password protect and/or disable access to certain things on the site. If you have trouble viewing anything, please contact me directly, or comment on any post, should you require more information. I know my core readers, and I don’t feel any of you will take offense to this, or think I am being silly in this matter.
I chose do this, not for my own safety, but to protect my family and friends as much as possible. I would prefer to be the sole target, but once you threaten harm against others, I will not sit back and take it. Bullying doesn’t bother me, because it’s such an act of cowardliness, and I don’t take it seriously, but I also want a website which is free of such things.
This decision is temporary, until I am told the threat is no longer serious/a valid risk.
Make no mistake; I am NOT going to be silenced, disrespected, or allow people to behave like the keyboard terrorists they are. You can agree to disagree with me, hell, you can believe whatever you want, but you don’t get to threaten innocent people. Not on my watch, and not in my life. I will not stand for it.
While writing this, I received a message from someone in Pakistan (In my spam Messenger folder) filled with photos of the Holocaust, and a threat that he will continue to violate the terms and conditions on Facebook, and how the Holocaust was the greatest drama to unfold. He has been reported for harassment and making terroristic threats. I’ve said nothing on Facebook to warrant this. My friends list is carefully curated and I try never to engage with psychopaths.
Sadly, this didn’t phase me, but again, I will not be harassed or threatened. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who behaves in such a manner should face serious consequences.
Stay safe, everyone. Blessed be.
P.S. This statement is not being added to my Twitter feed. I don’t need to feed deranged trolls who hide behind private accounts. They are sick and need serious help.
What I have to say will take some time, but over the past few days, all I’ve seen is RED.
I don’t know how people can look at themselves in the mirror and pretend nothing is happening in the world. I see the lies, the propaganda, the misinformation, and I wonder why people aren’t seeking the truth.
We are coming off of years promoting and supporting Black Lives Matter, and with good reason. Yes, black lives matter. Black people matter, and they deserve equal rights. I tend not to view people as colors, but as individuals. That is how I was raised; not to judge people based on skin color. The actual BLM organization, however, receives funding from a terrorist organization. FACT. I have black friends who know this and will not give them their support. Where is the black community right now while Israel is burning?
Actress Viola Davis (Someone who I have loved and respected, and immediately unfollowed in light of her uneducated hatred.) had the audacity to post on her social media that she supported the rioting by claiming that 550 people were being evicted from their homes in Sheihk Jarrah. Here’s the truth: 4-6 families (Based on varying reports and court documents I have read.) have lived there without paying rent for close to 40 years. There hasn’t been an official ruling yet as to whether or not they will be removed, according to updated reports, but the, “Palestinian Authority” encouraged people to riot, kill Jews, and destroy/burn Israel to take eyes off of the truth. They love to incite violence and then play the victim card; and yet, they have the same rights and privileges as every other Israeli citizen.
Viola, and others, fell for the propaganda. She didn’t seek out facts. I will not support her, her films, any television work, or campaigns moving forward. I will be dropping my association with L’Oreal until they terminate her contract. She wants to empower women, but is prepared to take a nation and a people down; the only democracy in the Middle East which has equal rights for ALL women. Sorry, I don’t support people like that. Her message basically says she only supports certain women, not ALL of us. That is selective racism.
Another actor also made the mistake of promoting the same lies. Most people don’t know who he is, but if you’d like to see his post and the uneducated bullshit, I’m happy to tell you who it is. Again, it was someone I liked and respected. Probably my favorite character on a show for YEARS, and I blocked his ass on Instagram for his hatred, and for allowing people to make threats and say violent things. He didn’t think about the repercussions of such an act. I will be in contact with Netflix and those involved in the residuals for the show he was on. Hatred does not deserve a paycheck. People are pissed at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, well, I’m pissed off at the Screen Actors Guild. They shouldn’t protect rapists, nor should they protect racists.
I am vehemently supportive of ending hate against the Asian, Southeast Asian, and Pacific Islander communities which have been brutally targeted in horrific ways. I am part Asian. Where is the Asian community right now? They are SILENT. I have been LOUD for them, so the silence isn’t going to fly. However, I thank everyone from India who has shown their support. My heart goes out to the family of the caregiver who is from India, and was killed during last night’s attacks. It’s heartbreaking. I hope there will be an online fundraiser for her family.
Where is the Hispanic community? Latinos aren’t known for their silence, yet the message is divided. Brazilians have shown the most online support for Israel, but everyone else? Crickets.
The United States is equally as bad as everyone else. Biden is giving secret demands to the Prime Minister of Israel, and was told to mind his own business in this matter. This escalation of hatred is a retake of the Obama Administration. It’s disgusting. Nikki Haley is one of the only people who shared her support for Israel’s right to defend itself. A Bronx Congressman also shared his support, and I thanked him for it. Even 45 made a statement of support and, in a shocking turn of events, he didn’t even lie. Everyone else has been spewing lies. I’m more than sick of it. I’m outraged beyond words.
I will be discussing selective racism and systemic racism in the coming weeks and months, but right now I am angry AF. It’s time to calm down, focus, and start getting louder than ever before.
If my honesty offends you, please don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I’ll keep using my voice properly. I have told the truth; not a version of it. Oh, and the list of selective racists is getting longer with every passing moment. I will be boycotting all kinds of things moving forward.
Seeing a slab of stone, which was called, by mainstream media, “a rock”, hit a seven month old baby, and seeing all the newborns in their fathers arms in the hospital hallways for lockdown and protection; that was endgame for me. Seeing the list of citizens murdered because thousands were told to take to the streets and “kill Jews”, ON JERUSALEM DAY, no, I cannot abide by that. Nor can I abide by over a thousand rockets being shot from Gaza targeting innocent civilians. That is what the “Palestinian Authority” does with your tax dollars. Billions on foreign aid they receive is used to purchase rockets and other devices of terror. They don’t help their own people, but they certainly like to put on a show of how evil they are. Brainwashed from birth by terrorist regimes, yet the world always blames Jews and Israel. This has been a historical fact for centuries. I want to see real change happen.
For me, this is personal. If you want additional facts, I have video, screenshots, accounts from my family on the ground, and a team of Zionists behind me to back up the truth with history and facts I may have forgotten since I was not enrolled in Judaic Studies in college, and did not have an Orthodox or Ultra Orthodox upbringing. Nevertheless, I am Jewish. We are a people, we are a nation with nearly six thousand years of history, we have survived genocide, and we have every right to exist and defend ourselves against all threats, both foreign and domestic.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
I’m determined to be prepared for my doctor’s phone call in the morning. I know he’ll call and try to get ahead of me and what I’m feeling/thinking, but I am still very much in a state of shock and betrayal. I’ve considered cancelling my appointments with him for the rest of the year; but that likely won’t be helpful on too many levels.
I do feel composed enough to set him straight, but I’m going to respond to tone and behavior. I should not have to preface everything I say with, “Please leave this out of my medical record.” I’ve seen what other doctors have written in my chart. There’s so much incorrect information, their personal perceptions of me, and even when quoting me, they get it wrong. A lot. Whenever I’ve confronted other doctors, they have vehemently denied what is right there in a file they signed off on. One denied saying something to my pharmacist and turned his back on me when I confronted him. Legitimately turned his back to me, pretended to fiddle with the computer, and would not look me in the eye. Since she was defending me, as a patient, three guesses who I believe. Patients should NOT have to feel like this.
I was voted, “A Strong Voice for the Mental Health Community” a few years ago, and I take this seriously. At the core of who I am, having others respect my voice is truly important to me. If I advocate for other people taking charge and fighting the system, then why should I do any less for myself?
I would love to come back in a few days and say, “Okay guys, I got angry and reacted, but everything is good now.” I’d like to be 100% wrong or partially wrong, except I know I am right in feeling as I do. I know I am right to say, “Re-read your notes and please remove every personal detail you have entered. The personal stuff is for you to remember, NOT for outsiders to peruse, twist to their own benefit, or for me to see and get pissed off at you, because some of this is disrespectful as fuck.” I highly doubt he’d appreciate me going over his head, either, but I’m more than happy to get on a first name basis with the hospital adminstrator. I fucking LIVE for setting these kinds of people straight (According to my brother, who says I should have been a lawyer because I “love to argue”. I don’t, but I will always fight when I am right.), especially since I tend to leave all of them dumbfounded.
Another doctor of mine happened to confess their hate for this person (the hospital admin), and despised that the first thing they did upon taking the job, was choose their own salary. They mentioned how this strips many departments of much-needed funding, and since this is not a gossipy type of person, I take them at face value. Moreover, I know this is how things operate. At the end of the day, hospitals are a business, and in this country, they don’t care if they bankrupt you once a medical bill is in play.
No one needs another overpaid, glorified paper pusher banking on the pain of every single person who enters the main hospital buildings, all affiliated hospitals, practices, medical buildings, etc., which accounts for nearly half the damn state of Massachusetts. I could go on, but I’m tired.
The gloves are OFF. You guys can start a Go Fund Me in case I need to be bailed out. 😉 I’ll keep you posted.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
It’s been a rough week. At times, Kitten was my saving grace, curling up next to me to sleep and keep an eye on me. When I rested after my procedure, she didn’t disturb me, as she is wont to do. She often jumps up at my head and scares the shit out of me with her silence. Even if I wasn’t able to sleep, she was hanging out with me. Cat has only shown interest in me today, when I offered up fresh catnip.
If you aren’t a cat owner, I can’t explain the bond of raising kittens (which is what builds trust), but it’s amazing and such a good life lesson. My cats go where I go. That’s always been my rule.
As I approach the 13th anniversary of losing my first (owned solely by me) cat, I feel terrible. She is buried at a small pet cemetery out of state (Obviously, since I’m not from Massachusetts and haven’t lived here that long.), and I have not been back. It’s so painful, and completely breaks my heart. I’ve been reliving her last moments over the past few days and it has nearly killed my soul, at times. I lost her sister over five years later, during an awful time in my life, and when finally given no choice at all, I went against my core beliefs and had her cremated. Her ashes are with me. She is the photo on my laptop screen and the everlasting love I have in my heart. The only thing I have left of her are some photos on my camera, and all the memories of adopting her and loving her right up until she took her last breath. They leave this plane of existence, but they truly do stay with you.
Kitten is her namesake (Her real name is translated out of Old Norse and Hebrew.). My amazing cat, who chose me, taught me how to be a mother, how to love, how to be patent with animals and small children, and she loved me probably as much as Kitten does. They are similar in some ways, with Kitten being less gentle, but I will always have a Tortoiseshell by my side. They are a color, not a breed, but they have these unique personalities and spirits that let me know I was probably once a cat. Kitten was meant to be mine, just as Cat was meant to go home with me and keep me honest with myself.
Today is the first Saturday in a while where I’ve embraced, “Caturday”. I didn’t wake up early and rush out anywhere. I’m hanging out in sweats and a t-shirt, and they are enjoying the sun and bird watching. It’s a low-key afternoon. I’m contemplating whether to cook or order in. The mourning doves are cooing. But I still remember my first “Cat and Kitten” with all my heart. I made promises to them and I kept them, and I made the same promises to these two characters.
They ARE family. Even when they torture me at 4:00 a.m. or harass me for treats an hour after they were given treats. They’ve been happier, a lot more playful, less stressed out, and more affectionate since recovering from the trip to the “evil vet”. 😉 She’s not evil at all, but I know it’ll go better when I can go in with them. They really don’t like not being with me. Dogs have their place, but when a cat is waiting for you at the window or the door, it’s not because they’re trained to do so. Nope. It’s one hundred percent their choice. That individuality is one of the things I love most about cats, but when I see mine waiting for me, it makes me smile. Even if only for a brief moment.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Today, I received multiple messages from my treating hospital with information I had never sought out because it was off-limits. However, they are now one of the first hospitals in the country to allow patients to view all of our medical records, respond to comments made by anyone who has treated us, and request corrections to the records themselves. This would not be a big deal, under normal circumstances. I’ve already had that level of access and would have to continually roll my eyes, be frustrated with the lies in the file, and ignore the ignorance and stupidity I was dealing with. Until today, when my psychiatric notes were revealed. I read one note from this week, scanned over it three times, and had to calm myself down because I contemplated breaking my doctor’s hands. Pissed is NOT what I felt at all. Worse, he is one of the people who knows me better than others, so I had a hard time swallowing the bullshit.
It took me leaving, and subsequently deleting, nearly ten messages before I was able to calm down enough to say, “I’m not sure if you have been made aware of the fact that I can now see your psych notes. We need to discuss this because I now feel I will have to edit 90% of what I say to you, and that is NOT how we’ve worked to establish trust as doctor and patient, not once from the first day I sat in your office. I’ve always trusted you, and you have always assured me your notes were clinical; yet THESE NOTES WERE PERSONAL. Without correction, they will follow me for the rest of my life. This needs to be addressed. You know precisely what I have been through with doctors writing their perceptions of me, as opposed to the facts I am spelling out, so we don’t need to talk about it next week, but it must be addressed at my next appointment.” I felt like I left the most honest, professional message I could, under the circumstances, and I changed my tone of voice so that he understood how this made me feel and how it would effect me moving forward.
For example, if I say, “I’m a mess.”, I don’t expect to see my doctor put that into clinical notes as the header of our discussion. Really?! Under typical conditions, I can only see we have discussed depression, trauma, PTSD, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc. I’m using those topics as an example, not as facts. But to read my words twisted slightly to make me seem like a much different person. it retraumatized me from my previous medical trauma, and immediately made me want to say to him, “Are you OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?! How stupid can you be?“
Here’s what many people don’t understand about psychiatric notes; they can be subpoenaed in ANY court case. They can be used against you. One improperly written note can be twisted legally into something it isn’t. This has happened to me before; TWICE. He knows this. He knows it has deeply affected my life to terrible degrees, which is why I reacted as I did. I will, one hundred percent, be going through every damn note he writes from now on, and requesting our private discussions be removed from the medical record. They don’t belong there, especially since he processed this as “psychotherapy notes and ten minutes discussing medication”. We actually discussed medication for under five minutes total, with him saying he’d give it some thought and call me in a few days. I missed his call, and he’s damn lucky I did, because I’m not sure I’d be able to have controlled the tone of my voice or the aggression in what I was saying.
I used to wonder how he kept all of his patients lives straight, because his recollections are as precise as my own, until one day, I saw a notebook on his desk at the start of my session, and it’s one of a few he has on me. It’s a nice, leather bound notebook. The kind I’d journal in, and it is filled with his private notes on me. Lord only knows what’s in there! Yet, the actual medical record had way too much private info on me for him to claim he, “keeps it strictly clinical”. I am going to force corrections from 2017 right up until this past week. If he thinks I won’t go over it all with a fine tooth comb, then he’s forgotten the woman who first walked into his office, and declared herself, “A pretty mess.” I have been assured I looked like I was going on a date, but that nothing about what I’ve been through or said could ever be covered up with concealer and properly blended eyeshadow. At my second appointment, I tore him a new asshole for referring to my pulled together appearance as, “a mask” (after he ended the appointment by saying he was leaving in five weeks.), and he admitted I was right and he was wrong. He earned my respect by being a down-to-earth human-being who saw me as a human-being, and didn’t treat me like another annoying mental health patient who doesn’t respond well to medication. But this? This is a deal breaker. It violates everything I hold dear, and now I feel like my entire medical record needs to be turned over to me for review. If I seem like I’m calm, trust me, I’ve got fangs and I’m not afraid to claw those records apart. And I will absolutely hire a lawyer to get the personal information, which is not necessary for such records, completely omitted. He does not want to test me on this.
When my appointments were cancelled due to quarantine last March, it took me three months to get on board with Telehealth. Initially, I felt like other people needed the appointments more than I did. I had weekly appointments for months before I was forced to go down to twice a month. Before agreeing to these appointments, I kept asking myself, “Am I just a pain in the ass patient, am I a challenge for this doctor, will I ever feel better, or am I going to have to look for someone else?” I strongly considered a new psychiatrist because I was confused about how laid back and comfortable our communication is. It has always felt comfortable, human, and safe. It doesn’t feel that way now. In fact, I feel betrayed beyond words, and I wonder how much will require correction.
In this particular moment, I probably need to hear him out first, and then decide if I still want to break his hands. Of all the people I have met as psychiatrists and therapists throughout my mental health care journey, he is the first I have trusted the most. He’s also the first who isn’t completely afraid of me, but probably should be right now.
He won’t hear my message until Monday, and that’s fine. It gives me a few days to cook, read, maybe get in some yoga, do some psychic work, and remind myself that even though he’s taller than I am, I can still knock him out, and by that, I have to say that my message should be enough to make him see reason. As honest as I’ve been here, I will be ten times more honest with him because he needs to know what those notes did and can do.
Anytime there has been an issue between us, he has been good about hearing me out and fixing the problem. On that level, I should consider this before getting upset, but I couldn’t help reading through it and thinking, “Is this how you perceive me?” Because if it is, then there’s a bigger problem underneath it all and that won’t fly with me one bit.
In my message, I made it abundantly clear I might be undermining and/or underestimating my coping mechanisms going into the month of May (If you know, you know. If you don’t, you’ll see what I write next month or you can go through the previous years’ of work. It’s a rough time for me. Period.). I had said, “I don’t think I’ll make it through the month unmedicated.”, and he wants to revisit this discussion because he’s concerned about side effects, even though I suggested a medication I am extremely familiar with. I said this mostly because he will be away next month, during the worst of what I’ll be dealing with and that’s never a good feeling when I have to relive one of the worst months of my life, despite the fact that I have his permission to have him paged no matter what, and also have his personal cell phone number in case of emergencies.
The level of my trauma is a terrible loop and if I block things out, they can (and will) come up out of nowhere and throw me down a metaphorical flight of stairs. It cycles the trauma over and over again, and as he and I discussed this week, “We can’t medicate trauma.” Maybe one day, in the future, this will be possible, but for now, it isn’t. Not being about to help trauma victims and survivors is something the mental health community fails at deeply; in my personal experience.
I wanted him to know I wasn’t demanding the medication, and that I will defer to his guidance, but he also knows I agree to disagree with him a lot. And I do so respectfully. I might be upset, but that’s because this is a relationship I highly value. I’ve felt blessed that someone cared enough to have my back, and today, I felt stabbed in it by the one person who should know better because this is someone who, long before Covid, is the person I spent the most time talking to about the heaviest shit in my life. I will wait to see how this is handled on Monday, and next month when we speak at length. But I’m not going to lie; I am now contemplating dialing my appointments back to once a month and not being anywhere near as forthcoming as usual. As a direct result, I will be searching for a full-time therapist because clearly, if personal things are going to end up in the record, then he is not following proper procedure under the psychotherapy terms and conditions, where every note truly IS clinical and boring as hell.
***On the plus side, the notes state I’m ten years younger than I am, so that’s something he can keep on record. 😉 I’m maintaining the whole reverse aging thing. The fact that a specialist told me this week, “You’re young. You don’t need ANY cosmetic enhancements. There’s not a single wrinkle or mark on your face, and this has not changed since the day I met you.” These are the small things that make me smile while I am going through internal and mental HELL. Last weekend, I stopped into a liquor store to pick up wine and a few other items (I am craving Pina Coladas like nobody’s business! It’s odd. I’m not much of a drinker. I feel like quarantine turned me into a maniac I don’t always recognize.). The second I asked for two small bottles of Jack Daniels (for a recipe I love, but one that is very time consuming and doesn’t require more than a few ounces of JD. I think it calls for a few tablespoons, but I usually eyeball it.), was the moment when, not even realizing I’m behind a mask and sunglasses, the cashier asked to see identification. I could have been anyone. She couldn’t tell my height, eye color, NOTHING. Legally, they have to ask and I always offer, but it amused me. Like I said, these are the small things that make me smile.***
I hope everyone looks into their own medical records for this very reason. Don’t hesitate. Once I calm down, I’ll be tearing through mine like a starving vampire. It’s a good thing I’ve already fired most of the doctors who are in my chart, because they can’t fight me when I ask for something to be removed. It is my legal right. I’d hate to have to do the same with this doctor, so here’s hoping everything gets straightened out. I’d like to think that maybe this situation was a slip on his part, but I won’t ever make excuses for him, and he knows that.
It would be a shame for him to be on vacation with no hands. 😉 I have zero shame in being mean. After all, this involves my life. I should be fully involved in what is written about me, and so should you.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Lately, my every day expression is the side eye emoji most people use. Especially when it comes to hiring people to assist me in any way. Opportunities are opportunities and the door doesn’t always remain wide open.
Much like me, some artists are perfectionists. From a realistic standpoint, I know nothing is ever, “perfect”, but can you come close enough so that you are pleased? Absolutely, and if not, you can wait a while and revisit it. You can always revise something up the road. You can always make a radical change.
I am lucky to have amazingly talented friends who I can turn to (Friendship aside, I chose them because I would much rather pay a friend, and support them by doing so, as opposed to dealing with a stranger who might not understand my vision. Especially friends with small businesses. They need all the help and promotion they can get.), but sometimes trying to agree on something is exhausting. Because ultimately, we are all seeking the same thing, in different ways. (If you know a freelance graphic designer who isn’t terrified of women with strong opinions, please message me.)
This week is already stressing me out and it’s only Monday! 😦 Lots of work to get done, but I know I can do all of it. I keep telling myself I can do anything, but I have days when getting out of bed is the worst kind of difficult (Today was one of those days.). I could hardly stay awake at my appointment, but I did and it’s behind me. Small victories are still victories.
Yes, I most certainly do.