For some reason, the number of days hit me. December is never an easy month for me, but this year I’ve got more grief than usual weighing on my heart. It’s unbelievably intense and heavy. I try to talk about it, and the pain seizes control of my vocal cords. It shuts me up and shuts me down. In the end, I go back to a state of isolation and silence, because those are safer places to be. For now.
My voice is my strongest and best asset in this world. Whenever I have to go into a deep, dark well of silence, I feel like someone took me to the vet and neutered me (BTW, Cat and Kitten did pretty well at the vet this year. They maintained their weight, are in good health, minus my having to add some supplements for arthritis, and tolerated a new vet who I wanted to smack. It’s sad to see tiny kittens in your head, and then see their ages on paper in black and white. It startled me. I genuinely hope they will be with me a long time. Also, it was much easier to sedate them in order to avoid shrieking and any additional trauma. They still meowed their displeasure, but they were very well behaved, overall. I came out with two minor scratches, as opposed to last year’s Blood Match, so YAY on that.). I HATE feeling like I cannot be my true self. If only there was medication to fix that for me!
When you’re dealing with grief, NO ONE gets to tell you that your feelings are invalid or, “have gone on too long”. No one gets to tell you when your pain ends, except you. The truth is, some pain will stick with you until your dying day. That’s part of your humanity, and I hope you never lose it. I would be more concerned with those who feel NOTHING and/or want you to, “get over it” because it’s an inconvenience to their life. Heartless shit is a red flag; please remember this for future reference.
Unfortunately, I have to take my pain into therapy. I’m not happy about that, but I need some support. My expectations are nil. You can’t make people understand what you’re experiencing, or have experienced. Even by giving some people comparison pain, they still don’t get it. I assure you, what people do or do not comprehend isn’t your fault. For me, I’m rethinking many of my relationships because it isn’t my job to help people comprehend things and/or meet me on my level. In fact, it is almost certainly time for me to move on to new energy. I owe no one anything, and this is something I am trying to remember each day.
Yes, I have other things to talk about and share, but for now, I’m at eleven days and I am HURTING. I pray for better moments where I can celebrate, instead of feel overwhelming grief and sadness.
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