Tomorrow is September. My brain can hardly comprehend this fact. But I am leaving one month for another, on a high note.
“There comes a time for healing
no matter how broken you are right now;
no matter how heavy your heart is right now.
There comes a time when you will go outside
and let the sun shine on your face
and let the wind touch your hair
and you will not be tired by just simply being awake.
There comes a time when you will be happy to be alive again
and that day you will appreciate your own being
because now you know the other side.
Now you know the opposite.
Now you know what it’s like to not be sure if you really are; who
you really are;
if you simply are, anymore.
And that day
will be the beginning of everything.”
“It hurts to let go, to say goodbye for the final time and remain distant in your closure, it may even tear your heart out to the point of insanity; but somehow in it all you find the pieces of your worth and you start creating yourself again, and in that journey of transformation you find the essence of what truly matters, inner happiness. It’s life, we all fall at some stage but it’s up to you, to decide how long you want to stay there.”
“There comes a time for healing no matter how broken you are right now; no matter how heavy your heart is right now.
There comes a time when you will go outside and let the sun shine on your face and let the wind touch your hair, and you will not be tired by just simply being awake.
There comes a time when you will be happy to be alive again and that day you will appreciate your own being because now you know the other side.
Now you know the opposite.
Now you know what it’s like to not be sure if you really are; who you really are; if you simply are, anymore. And that day will be the beginning of everything.”
“Sometimes we can only find our true direction when we let the wind of change carry us.” ―Mimi Novic
Salem, it’s been a hellacious year. Good, great, bad, and truly heinous at times. Today I say goodbye to this part of my life journey. Upward. Onward. Moving towards better days, moments, people, places, etc. I’ll be back, but not often. There wasn’t enough good left to hold me to one place. Phoenix in flight.
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”
“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.” ―Beryl Markham
“Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly imagine that there’s a world out there that might have anything else going on. And then the glow cloud moves on. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find, as time passes, that you remember it less and less. Or absolutely not at all, in my case.” ―Cecil Baldwin
My physical, mental, & emotional agony trump a lot of other things at the moment. I’m, quite possibly, not clear-headed enough to write this properly, so please, bear with me. I’ll correct anything that I post that needs to be fixed later on.
I sit here terribly sleep-deprived, covered in varying degrees of bruises (some are healing, some are fresh), and my physical pain is worse than I ever imagined possible. And yet, none of it compares to what’s going on inside my head. 😦 For the past week, I have been pushed way beyond my limits and comfort zone. On the plus side; I’ve walked away from some very negative things that were causing me severe physical, mental, and emotional illness that I wasn’t even aware was happening until that final step away, when I took my first clean, stress-free breath and realized I hadn’t felt free in years. On the downside; the move I was trying to put off in order to take care of Patient X until he is fully healed is coming up sooner than I thought possible.
As of this past Monday, 95% of my stuff is in storage. My temporary “safe place” is a hotel; the only pet-friendly one I could find. The room is fantastic, but the walls are closing in on me. Again, I’m stressed and sleep-deprived. This morning I felt so weak, I went back to sleep, something I’m trying in earnest NOT to do because it exacerbates my insomnia.
Patient X’s first post-op appointment went surprisingly well. He is healing properly, mostly due to the fact that I’m OCD and constantly repeating myself so that he’ll listen at least one time out of ten. Unfortunately, his “young pain receptors” are having trouble with the really painful aspects of such a complicated and delicate surgery, so his pain medication was changed at yesterday’s appointment. I’m not thrilled with the choice, but so far, it is working.
I went to three different pharmacies for this drug and when I finally found one willing to fill it, they damn near told me to go back to Philly and fill it there. It is the store’s policy that certain drugs be filled “closer to the prescribing hospital”, as if people have a choice as to where they’re operated on or not! They were willing to do it this time because I’d called in advance, which apparently made them nervous (I think they called security several times, an absolute FIRST, and I’m a pain patient, so I was floored.). I’m not about to apologize for calling with a legitimate question. Lord knows I showed up less than ten minutes after calling with the script, the patient, and his driver’s license to prove it wasn’t being sold on the street. They weren’t going to fill it until they realized he’s A) wearing a Life Vest and B) talked with him about why it was prescribed. Not cool Walgreens, not cool AT ALL, especially in light of the medication you filled without batting an eye for several patients who showed up after me, one of which is something I feel should be outlawed, but I’m not judging the fact that people need it.
Walmart & Target: you should both carry this drug that I desperately needed to acquire immediately, even if only in small quantities. Post-op patients need access to pain medicine that their surgeons prescribe. It’s completely unacceptable to tell them you can order it “in a week”. What are they supposed to do in that week? Hang around with a thumb up their ass?! NO ONE should be forced to suffer because you’ve decided not to carry medication legally prescribed by a physician. By doing shit like that, you’re trying to override a doctor’s right to prescribe and you don’t have the authority to do so. I was so annoyed by the time the medication was paid for that I damn near flipped my lid, and I can only partially blame that on low blood sugar.
Sunday is “moving day”. Some of my clothes & electronics, Cat, Kitten, and I are moving nearly five hours up north. Life as I know it is changing drastically, and I am not happy about the “rug pulled out from beneath my feet” feeling. Yes, I will adapt and yes, I will adjust. I will pull myself together and dust myself off over these next few weeks/months, mainly because stress can do horrible things to the body, mind, and soul. Someone told me on Monday that if I don’t take care of myself, I could do irreparable damage. She herself was so stressed around this time last year that she had to re-learn how to walk. I don’t want to reach that level of stress, so I need to get on the self-care diet of putting myself first for a few hours every single day.
Once I move, there will be a period of time where I will have to back-date things I write for this platform because I am not 100% sure when I’ll have Internet access, however, things will be written & posted as soon as humanly possible. Let’s hope the wait isn’t too long, lest I lose my marbles. There is such a thing as “too much silence” after a big move. The only books I have are on my Kindle Fire (every book I own is sadly, in storage. My poor babies!), and all of my music is packed, so I will be living off of what’s saved on my laptop and phone until I’m back for good. You simply never know when I will need to listen to Taylor Swift on a loop and cry.
I will miss all of you during “the dark period”, but know that I’ll be back the second the technician plugs everything in. I’ll be in touch before I leave. Be sure to check my Twitter feed and for those that need to know, my cell # and e-mail address will not be changing.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.