This is incredibly timely as I polish off this amazing manuscript. It’ll be hard to say goodbye to these characters, but they will be back for a second chapter. As will I. As will all the new projects coming up the pipeline. I have so much gratitude for what the past year and a half has brought me.
Today I want to express my gratitude to, and for, my best friend. It’s her birthday and I would not survive from year-to-year without her support, absolute dedication to our friendship, and her unconditional love. She is the most amazing, talented, kind, caring person who is so devoted to family and friends. She has an amazing heart. I am so grateful to not only have her as my sister, but to have her as a true best friend. I thank G-d for blessing me (and the world) with her existence. She is my compass and constant Girl’s Girl. As I told her the other day, WE ARE A TEAM.
Life is as long as it is short, and we NEED real friends in our corner. Relationships come and go. We lose people along the way. It’s a vicious cycle, and many of us have more in common than we realize. No matter how many demons or dragons I have to slay, I know she’s got my back with a fresh sword, and that means everything to me.
Happy birthday, Shan-Shan. Love you.
Yesterday was one of the most jolting experiences I’ve ever personally witnessed. It might rank up in my top five. My body is still in fight or flight mode, and I don’t feel it ending any time soon. 😦 I have tried to take my anger out of the equation, but that has left me with intellectualized emotions and truthfully, a different level of anger. Make no mistake, I am traumatized by what I witnessed (I will be writing about it. I got about eleven hundred words written before I crashed from lack of sleep and the intensity of everything I was feeling.), appalled by the way the incident was handled, and I am angry. Beyond angry. Angry for the mental health community, which I am a part of. Angrier at the hateful, racist, power-hungry, assholes hiding behind a device, and those who thought, and believe, that aggressive actions were justified. They weren’t. I feel nothing for those who acted inappropriately yesterday. But I do feel they all need to be publicly punished and re-trained.
Yesterday, my cousin, brother, and a dear friend helped keep me calm-ish, sane, and unknowingly let me know they are concerned for my overall well-being, safety, mind, heart, and soul. I kept expressing my gratitude to them. 2020 has shown me a lot about who cares about me, and who will drop everything to help me in a crisis. I’m content with the lower numbers because it helps me prioritize and eliminate. Clearly being able to see people as they are is an important ability to have.
It’ll be a while before I feel I can finish writing about what happened. I did not expect to be so triggered, so angry, and so concerned for others. My response wasn’t for me; it was a response based solely on extreme concern. It was a response that will be a guiding force as I embark on a new path. It is a response I cannot hide because no one was telling the truth. It is a response, and a catalyst, to get louder about speaking the truth.
Witnessing someone experience something heinous, something you know was likely their worst nightmare, puts you in an uncomfortable position. I was attacked for my honesty. People who immediately attack honesty are well aware they are lying and covering up bad actions. Not on my watch, and this will potentially put my safety at risk. I have considered this for over twenty-four hours. I cannot sit back and remain silent when I encourage others, every single day, to stand up for their rights. How can I tell thousands of people each day to use their voice if I sit back in silence and refuse to do the same? I am many things: imperfect is high on the list, but I’m NOT a fucking silent coward, nor am I a hypocrite. No one raised me to be a punk ass bitch. If you don’t like my phraseology, take a walk.
This week my life roles were discussed. They were discussed less than a day before this incident occurred. We all have roles in life, different hats we wear, so to speak, but I’ve always been the strong protector. It’s not just a role, it is who I am. Injustice and abuse are two things that will set me off like a spaceship, and I highly recommend people step back because an honest person speaking about injustice and abuse is a dangerous person.
I honestly come here and talk about mental health and my own personal diagnoses. I don’t do it for myself; I do it so others know they are not alone and they, too, can seek help. Yesterday was the second time I’ve ever wished I was a lawyer and could properly defend someone. I don’t ever want to be put in that position again.
We all have things we believe in strongly. Each of us has a personal, “Don’t go there.” zone, whether we discuss it or not. For some, it is their family. For many, it’s their children, or their pets, or both. For me, it’s many things, but the line was definitely crossed and I can’t unsee a moment of it. I had to take medicine last night to ward off potential nightmares, but in the waking hours, I can’t hide what I think or feel, nor do I want to.
During many times in my writing career I’ve heard people say, “Wow, that took balls.” They have no idea. I’m currently in another “balls to the wall” moment, and I don’t intend to lie about it or pretend it was justified. I have to do what I encourage others to do. I have to use my voice and push for change. Wish me luck.
© 2020 by Lisa Marino and Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
“There comes a time for healing
no matter how broken you are right now;
no matter how heavy your heart is right now.
There comes a time when you will go outside
and let the sun shine on your face
and let the wind touch your hair
and you will not be tired by just simply being awake.
There comes a time when you will be happy to be alive again
and that day you will appreciate your own being
because now you know the other side.
Now you know the opposite.
Now you know what it’s like to not be sure if you really are; who
you really are;
if you simply are, anymore.
And that day
will be the beginning of everything.”
“There comes a time for healing no matter how broken you are right now; no matter how heavy your heart is right now.
There comes a time when you will go outside and let the sun shine on your face and let the wind touch your hair, and you will not be tired by just simply being awake.
There comes a time when you will be happy to be alive again and that day you will appreciate your own being because now you know the other side.
Now you know the opposite.
Now you know what it’s like to not be sure if you really are; who you really are; if you simply are, anymore. And that day will be the beginning of everything.”
Today was such a bad day for me, and I find myself incredibly grateful for my cats because they are such nurturing, sweet, loving souls who took care of me today and showed their love. They basically babysat me in their own way, and it’s not such a bad thing to have an animal, or two, in your life. There’s much to be said for adopting kittens and raising them, and then seeing their personalities and soul shine through.
My Bombay (Cat) would be the perfect therapy cat because she is exceptionally loving. She is also very accepting of people. All she wants to do is be loved in return and receive hordes of affection. She will do well around multiple humans because she wants to be with people nearly all the time. She has definitely not forgotten that cats were once worshiped. 😉
My Tortie (Kitten) is not a family cat, she’s a one-person cat and I’m her person. She’s genuinely my partner-in-crime. Today, all my anxiety and unhappiness manifested itself into her behavior, until I tried to calm down. Then she became extremely relaxed and settled into a spot in the afternoon sun.
I rescued them, but there are days when they 100% keep me alive.
“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” ―Germany Kent
This pretty much sums up every day, at least for me. I have amazing friends, which is an incredible blessing (I’m not too shabby, either. 😉 Some of you are extremely lucky to have me.). I have a handful of family members who value me. I’ve got people on my side who respect me, care about me, and treat me like a human being with a great mind. I’m not fully capable of happiness at the moment, but someday up the road… Maybe.
Sending love and hugs to everyone today. 🦋🔮💛
P.S. Cooking shall begin in about an hour. I’m not looking forward to chopping several pounds of vegetables at the last minute, but I only learned yesterday afternoon that I’d be cooking at all. I’m grateful I was able to sleep with the level of pain I’m in. I’m currently praying I can avoid Urgent Care this weekend. Something about this weather has my sinuses and ears in agony. I keep hoping it’ll pass, but the last time I did that, I ended up with three infections. 😦 Bleh!