Breathe Through It

I’ve always wondered what the hell is wrong with the majority of the people in this world. For some unknown reason, they believe caffeine, sunshine, fresh air, a glass of water, or a cup of tea will magically solve ALL of your problems. If only it were so simple!

Have you ever felt better when someone says, “You need to calm down?” Of course, not. It’s so rarely said with good intentions. Usually, it is said to stop you from talking, or to shut a situation down. FUCK THAT.

I recently had a panic attack that was so bad, I had to keep telling myself, “Just breathe through it.” repeatedly. For hours. No, I did NOT feel better trying to minimize what I was going through, or why. In fact, I felt stupid for thinking I could mantra my way out of a panic attack which was impeding my ability to breathe.

Someone finally stopped me to chat, and told me I am so heavily triggered right now, that everything is bothering me on a higher frequency. They suggested talking to my doctor about this, in order to get some support. Stupidly, I brought up the issue, only to hear the most insincere, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I have family for that comment, I do NOT need it from my support system. I found myself angered, and unable to talk about how painful it was to have to bring it up at all. I speak to him again after the holidays, and I am genuinely torn between speaking up or simply going elsewhere for what I need. The second you feel like your needs aren’t being met somewhere, you should not be inclined to blame yourself. I’d like to normalize talking about this because too often, women do not.

The month of December brings up a lot of pain and heartache for me. I cannot just “breathe through it”. It’s been a while since I’ve acknowledged how bad my Complex PTSD is, but it’s bad. and I feel unable to fully cope. Mostly because, medication usually helps, but this year, it is all just hitting harder than usual. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot to distract me, so it’s present every minute of the day. It’s beginning to cause insomnia, which worries me, because I’m finally going to bed at a decent hour and often getting decent sleep, but not now. Now I am tormented, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Alas, I will probably survive. Or maybe I’ll just breathe through it. 🙄

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Experiencing What You Can’t Talk About

Sometimes, we go through something we cannot talk about. Something deeply private and painful. I want to share what I have been through, but it’s not entirely my story to tell. To some degree, it is entirely mine, but I’m not selfish. Someone else has a vested interest in this pain, and so, I am trying to honor both sides of the coin.

Personally, I need to talk. I need to know I am not alone. I need others to know they are not alone. I need support. I looked at my family, and nixed all of them. We simply don’t have the kind of relationship where I feel comfortable going to anyone and opening up on such a deep level. It’s a very painful subject and I know what I will be met with. Ten minutes after I say anything, my entire family will know my business. It’s a fucking insidious game of telephone which I find toxic, and choose not to support. That means, biological family is off grid.

I then looked hard at my friend group. Only one person knows what I am going through. I wanted to share this agony with a few other people, but since they have their own drama going on right now, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I can’t explain how much it pains me to say nothing, and to suffer silently. The simple fact that I had no one to trust and turn to bothers the hell out of me. I actually sat and thought to myself, “You need new friends.” Talk about a conundrum!

Trust is not something anyone should just hand over. Private things are so difficult to navigate. I pray that in a year from now, I am able to say, “This is what I went through. Here’s my story, here’s my truth. It was scary, it was awful, and my heart shattered. Here’s my joy in overcoming it all. I survived, and so can others.” That’s only part of what I want to say, but I also want the control to tell it when the timing is right for all involved.

Tonight, I try to power through what is haunting me. I don’t know if I am capable of crying because I’m in such shock and denial, but I do know that when the tears come, it will not be the worst day of my life. I’ve survived some of the most awful moments; so my track record is pretty good. It’s coming out whole on the other side that bothers me, because I don’t entirely know if this is possible.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Stand Against Anti-Semitism

Blue for Solidarity. Blue to End Jew Hatred. Blue to show you are Jewish, or an ally of the Jewish people.

I have watched the majority of my friends be silent on this matter since it began. I’ve had less than four of my friends say something to me directly. Listening to the Jewish community doubt their long-term friendships, people of color whom they have defended openly and loudly, is heartbreaking. Everyone is questioning if you’ve harbored hatred toward us as you sit in silence. I ask myself the same question.

There is now a ceasefire. That’s code for, “Until Hamas gets their next shipment of weapons from Iran, China, and/or Russia, and subsequently breaks the agreement.” The rise in anti-Semitism and anti-Semitic attacks is sky high. The behaviorial patterns are not dissimilar to what happened before the rise of Nazi Germany. The online campaign of lies and hate are modern-day pogroms. This appears to have been orchestrated in advance, and I feel bad for people who fell for the horse manure. They are choosing not to see the truth, hiding behind racist activism, not educated activism. If any of these things were true, don’t you think Israeli tourists and citizens would have called it out? The answer is, yes. People wouldn’t flock in droves to Israel, or immigrate there, if horrible atrocities occurred every single day in broad daylight. People aren’t blind, but many are easily brainwashed.

I realize most people aren’t knowledgeable about the region and haven’t needed to be, so right now I advise you to talk to Jewish friends for insight. And by, “Jewish friends”, I do not mean people who deny the right for Israel to exist. Talk to Zionists. We know the meaning of the word (If you deny our right to exist as a people and a nation, then you are an enemy, not an ally. You are saying what Gazans say: If you’re still alive after we try to kill all of you, then you have no place to call home. Think about that for a moment.), and we also know that before Israel was renamed and the ancestral land declared the “Jewish State” by the U.N. and foreign governments, we bought back the land. It’s only a portion of the original Kingdom of Judea. The other portion is Jordan, and we have never asked for it to be returned. Israel was a wasteland in the 40s. It was under British rule, and was a token “return”. Arabs killed us for this. They have been trying to eliminate us and drive us away for centuries, and their hate is a very sick, twisted thing. They will always claim that Jews tried to harm them first, which is baseless. There are no Jews in Muslim countries. We are not allowed entry. Tell me again about racism and apartheid.

People are being attacked at restaurants, bus stops, walking the street with their families. There was an attack in the Diamond District of New York City. How the hell can you sit in silence?! There have been lynchings. There are people being beaten to death because the psychotic, terrorist leadership of Hamas and Hezbollah told them to do so. They even told them exactly where to stab us, and which arteries to aim for. Worse? These people will be paid for the rest of their lives for killing a Jew. It’s called, “Pay For Slay”, and I will be sharing facts on that in a broader piece.

In a nutshell, that’s part of what is truly going on in Israel; there is no apartheid going on, 550 people are NOT being evicted, there are no war crimes happening on the Israeli side, and there are no unprovoked attacks by Israel. Nothing is withheld from Gaza by Israel. They receive shipments of food, medical supplies, gas, and more. They get free water and electricity from Israel. They further receive billions in foreign aid, which they turn into tunnels to terrorize Israeli civilians, as opposed to building Gaza up into something worthwhile. The foreign aid also goes towards rockets they inaccurately shoot in our direction, and then turn around and blame us for murdering their own people. Those rockets cost a fortune, and no matter where you may live, you have probably unknowingly helped fund terror somewhere in this world.

They received land that was established. Farms in working order. Schools and other buildings were all functional. They chose to destroy it. They choose to burn things, to brainwash their people, to use children as human shields, and now they feel comfortable enough to be violent all over the world.

Fact: Jews cannot cross into Gaza. They will be shot on sight, or worse. Two Israeli citizens have been kidnapped and not been returned; and this includes someone who is mentally ill.

Their hatred isn’t just for Jews, though. It is for anyone who is not them. That means if you are not a radical Islamist who will willingly join their “jihad”, they will kill you and celebrate your death. LGBTQ+ community? They will murder you; which is why anyone who is Muslim and gay will leave Muslim countries for fear of being tortured and killed. They leave to feel safe and to receive protection. So for those of you who’ve shown your signs for, “Palestine”, you are showing support for people who would cheerfully murder you in cold blood and pray for you to go to hell. You might want to re-think your priorities.

“Israeli” doesn’t always mean, “Jewish”. There are plenty of other faiths practicing in the country and people from all over the world are employed in Israel. It is the ONLY democracy in the Middle East. In many cases, it is safer there than it is in Times Square, except now, even during a ceasefire, there are Arabs in the street chanting for the death of Jews. On Shabbat. Does that sound like they want peace?

I’ve seen the anti-Semitic posts from so many people; those who don’t fact check before they open their mouths about something they don’t know anything about. Today I’m seeing a handful of allies showing their support. THANK YOU. I will remember who stood against Anti-Semitism, who spoke up, and who ignored it. We ALL will, because as a community, Jews are paying attention. We’re not going to be silenced or told we cannot speak the truth. We AREN’T returning to Nazi Germany, nor will we support such sympathizers. We are stronger than hate.

This is not an argument over land. though the Arabs feel entitled to lay claim over that which they have no historical ties to. They’ve assumed and adopted a false identity given to them in 1964 by an Egyptian who led the PLO. They are pursing this false narrative. The reality is quite alarming. Alas, it IS really an argument about global hatred and people feeling entitled to physically attack, harm, and kill us for existing. They are doing precisely what they accuse us of, so it is my hope that you now see the truth. It’s too large a majority of hatred for me to be sympathetic. That’s my choice and has nothing to do with anyone else. I’ve reached my tolerance level, period. I am tired of all the selective racism and selective activism. There are triple digit hypocrites walking around like nothing is happening, and that’s not okay with me. It shows me that everyone who complains about systemic racism actually contributes to it, so basically, it’s not going anywhere and we are ALL targets for hatred, regardless of our skin color, faith, etc. Please be safe this weekend. I’m praying for lives, because I know that peace is too lofty an expectation, and I’m not going to pretend. My readers deserve better than that.

Also, those who are criticizing the Israeli government are also spreading a false narrative. Please do your own homework before running your mouth, and first take a long, hard look at your own government. Nothing is perfect, freedom isn’t free, and we have to acknowledge these things. We have to stick to the facts. Period.

copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.