Breathe Through It

I’ve always wondered what the hell is wrong with the majority of the people in this world. For some unknown reason, they believe caffeine, sunshine, fresh air, a glass of water, or a cup of tea will magically solve ALL of your problems. If only it were so simple!

Have you ever felt better when someone says, “You need to calm down?” Of course, not. It’s so rarely said with good intentions. Usually, it is said to stop you from talking, or to shut a situation down. FUCK THAT.

I recently had a panic attack that was so bad, I had to keep telling myself, “Just breathe through it.” repeatedly. For hours. No, I did NOT feel better trying to minimize what I was going through, or why. In fact, I felt stupid for thinking I could mantra my way out of a panic attack which was impeding my ability to breathe.

Someone finally stopped me to chat, and told me I am so heavily triggered right now, that everything is bothering me on a higher frequency. They suggested talking to my doctor about this, in order to get some support. Stupidly, I brought up the issue, only to hear the most insincere, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I have family for that comment, I do NOT need it from my support system. I found myself angered, and unable to talk about how painful it was to have to bring it up at all. I speak to him again after the holidays, and I am genuinely torn between speaking up or simply going elsewhere for what I need. The second you feel like your needs aren’t being met somewhere, you should not be inclined to blame yourself. I’d like to normalize talking about this because too often, women do not.

The month of December brings up a lot of pain and heartache for me. I cannot just “breathe through it”. It’s been a while since I’ve acknowledged how bad my Complex PTSD is, but it’s bad. and I feel unable to fully cope. Mostly because, medication usually helps, but this year, it is all just hitting harder than usual. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot to distract me, so it’s present every minute of the day. It’s beginning to cause insomnia, which worries me, because I’m finally going to bed at a decent hour and often getting decent sleep, but not now. Now I am tormented, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Alas, I will probably survive. Or maybe I’ll just breathe through it. 🙄

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Chanukah 2020: Night Four

Fourth night of Chanukah. I’m a little behind on things because my thoughts have been all over the place, and despite this being my favorite holiday, there’s an underlying sadness mixed in this year. If you follow me on social media, you may have read my thoughts on specific matters, or not.

Tonight, I’d like to offer up my prayers to Chabad of Bluegrass after last night’s assault on a congregation member in Lexington, Kentucky. I do NOT want to see anything else happen during a Menorah lighting or anything else involving synagogues. If you’re not Jewish, let us have our holiday in peace, the same way we let you have yours in peace. By the way, Chanukah is NOT “a Jewish Christmas”.

In the face of anti-Semitism, we must unite, regardless of faith, and fight back against hate. I wasn’t raised to be a hateful person, so my response mechanism is different than that of others. I was, however, always encouraged to fight back against anything I didn’t deem just.

I cannot, in good conscience, accept violence against people based on their faith, the color of their skin, their politics, or sexual preference. That’s not who I am. If you’re a good person with a good heart, I am not going to say anything to you. I will accept you as you are. However, I do get annoyed when people make incorrect assumptions about the kind of person I am and go behind my back with their opinions. If you have something you want to share, just say it to me personally because if a fifth party is repeating it, I am going to find out why you felt so comfortable talking shit. I am not afraid of confrontation. In fact, I encourage it.

Do not harm, but take no shit.