I Heard…

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This quote is basically my new norm. I had to make a serious decision this year regarding my health, and ultimately I had to choose to make my health my first priority. There was no one to consult with on that. No one was going to prioritize it if I didn’t do it myself; a basic fact. 

Here I am at the end of November, still focused solely on my health, and a list of goals I’d like to achieve sooner rather than later. I am determined, but I’m also exhausted, sleep-deprived, in serious pain, and trying to be strong through all of it. I am currently on a steroid taper for a skull-flaming migraine. I barely know my own name after the past 48 hours, so bear with me. 

I see my stats and I know I am writing less here. Well, I’m posting less, but please know I am still writing. I’ve got multiple posts in the pipeline (one needs fine-tuning before it goes live). My time has predominantly been spent going to and from the hospital, to testing, to doctor’s appointments, and I’ve had two in-office procedures done this year where my migraines are concerned. The next one is in ten days, except now I know some of what to expect from it. No, I am not taking a CGRP drug and for the foreseeable future, it’s not on the table as something I would personally consider, nor has my doctor mentioned it as something she’d be willing to prescribe.

I’m grateful for the handful or so of good people and their AMAZING office staff, who have been incredible to me this year. From May to present, I have been deeply blessed with the people who’ve been taking care of me, who’ve listened to me, those who are my treating physicians and are proactive about it. We live in a current medical climate where doctors often behave in such a superior manner that you contemplate kicking them, just to see if they’re human. I REALLY lucked out with two of my physicians. I have a lot of respect for down-to-earth doctors who treat me like a peer and/or treat me with the respect I deserve as the sufferer. Not everyone can master this, but two of them have, and it makes me feel like there’s a real team behind me for certain things. When your doctors actually encourage communication and they always make sure their staff is being good to you as well, it’s a nice feeling.

For all of the medical issues I endure, writing has been a constant in my life at all times. I don’t stop thinking, speaking, believing, or writing the truth; not ever. I can step into fictitious worlds I’ve developed when I want to, but for the most part, I’m going to live in the truth and keep that steady.

I will be featuring more medical pieces going forward, but I will still share other views, as well. I’m not changing as a person (I’m growing. There’s a difference.), but I am thinking more about the overall message I want my readers to receive.

In short, I am wishing you all a fabulous, healthy, happy, safe holiday season. I’ll be back with some good talking points ASAP.

li      

Blank, Empty, Devoid

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There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve been devoid of all emotion, except maybe anger. Sometimes rage fuels me to be stronger, better, smarter, faster. I worry sometimes that therapy weakened me, taking my strengths as a woman and turning me into a neutered puppy. But lately, due to serious concerns about my health, I am starting to feel devoid of so much. Not just emotion, but everything. I’m a pretty fearless woman, but when I’m sick every single day from stress and I don’t act on my thoughts because I know they will only result in broken bones, it distracts me from the goal at hand.

I haven’t said anything at all because this is not a personal place, though I think some would disagree and say that my writing is VERY personal. I don’t perceive it as being anything more than me being me, and allowing others to take it or leave it. But I digress; I am about to embark on a huge change in my life. It is going to take every ounce of internal, physical, and emotional strength I have left. It will not be easy. In fact, I expect it to be yet another bloody battle. I really wanted to get away from sword-sharpening and focus on my goals for the next few years, but all of that has been stripped from me, albeit temporarily. Now, all I am able to do is take things one day at a time.

Part of having Fibromyalgia to this extent means accepting help that is offered with a genuine heart. I’m finally seeing a few genuine hearts, as opposed to the kind that do something in the moment and then throw it back in your face at the most inopportune time. I’m shedding the toxic, negative people in my life and embracing the supportive, positive, loving people. I cannot deal with the bullshit or drama that comes with that constant negativity, period.

I will be slightly less present on here at times as I pack up my current life, weeding it down to the bare necessities, in preparation for the next phase. I will take time to mourn what I thought would be best for me, and embrace that which is new. Sometimes doors DO close, but dwelling on that is unhealthy. I have to believe that there is a different purpose for me, even if now, it simply feels like an immense inconvenience.

I know not everyone here is religious or spiritual, but if you’re the praying type, please keep me on the positive side of your prayers. I am sick, praying daily that I do not get worse, and that the change I am about to make is, overall, healthy and smart.

Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing in life is truly permanent, not even death. There will always be good things happening to bad people and bad things that happen to really good people. It’s twisted, it is senseless, but it’s unfortunately a part of life. All I can do is take each day as it comes and give it my best. If “my best” means staying in bed and asking for help, then so be it. I’m not here to compete with anyone and I’m certainly not walking around believing I am better than anyone else. I’m human. Take it or leave it, and if you leave, I really don’t care if the door breaks your tailbone on the way out.

I will check any messages sent to me and respond as soon as I can, but for now, I have no real answers. Each day brings different stressors and honestly, all I want is a problem solver. Alas, life does not work like that.

I pray that as this week comes to a close, I am able to solve the most pressing issues quickly. Wish me good luck. XO.

 

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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