Dirge Without Music

“I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”
―Edna St. Vincent Millay

My Mother’s Daughter

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Today is the anniversary of me losing an angel I was gifted with. A unique, perfect, pure angel. I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight because I MISS HER so much. She truly taught me how to be the best version of myself, how to be a mother, and how to be a bigger bad ass than I could ever have dreamed of. I miss you, my tiny angel.

Today is also the anniversary of great loss. Every day, this torments me. Every.Fucking.Day.

However, today I am trying to remind myself that above all else, I am my mother’s daughter and I wasn’t raised to be some soft, whiny, pathetic individual. I was raised to be strong, smart, and fierce. Life throws so much crap in my direction. There are people who throw the same level of crap in my direction, too. But on most days, I have to remind myself who raised me and why.

There are days you can try to deny your background, but why would I ever want to forget being my mother’s daughter? I wouldn’t. I lucked out. Miss you, Mom. I know you are always with me.

When You Start Thinking…

“When you start thinking about what your life was like ten years ago–and not in general terms, but in highly specific detail–it’s disturbing to realize how certain elements of your being are completely dead. They die long before you do. It’s astonishing to consider all the things from your past that used to happen all the time but (a) never happen anymore, and (b) never even cross your mind. It’s almost like those things didn’t happen. Or maybe it seems like they just happened to someone else. To someone you don’t really know. To someone you just hung out with for one night, and now you can’t even remember her name.” ―Chuck Klosterman