I Didn’t Sign Up For This

I’m having one of those days where anxiety & stress are overwhelming. Two steps away from hyperventilating, overwhelming. No, I don’t need pity or to talk to anyone. I’m safe and will (probably) live to see another day.

I considered calling my doctor or texting someone, and then chose not to do either. I’m that strong friend who will NOT burden you with my problems because if a medical professional can’t fix it, how will you? For me, this is common sense stuff, but I also cannot allow anyone to get too close anymore and harm me, which happened twice last year. Never again will I permit that. Trust MUST be earned. I have never trusted women less in my life, but that’s where I am now.

Kitten is my familiar, and if I’m not okay, she KNOWS. She started shrieking to get me into another room. She brought me toys and gave me her, “Come on, you’ll feel better soon.” look that is the most human expression you’ll see if you’ve never seen humanity in an animal before. I’ve lucked out; the cats in my life have always been exceptionally human (I have also had two dogs that I immediately knew were once human. I cried each time because neither one could be mine.). Each time I’ve implied this, someone else has noticed it and acknowledged that they see it, too.

I followed her and threw toys around for her, marveling at her energy and the heights she’ll reach. She played happily, but kept looking back at me. If I threw a few toys and walked away, she’d start shrieking again. She has the biggest mouth, so when she makes a certain sound, it’s alarming and you run to see what’s wrong. Today, I was what was wrong, and she knew it.

Suddenly, Cat came running down the stairs because she heard my voice. She’s ALWAYS listening for me. Be it noon or three a.m., if I breathe, she’s going to follow me. I can cough and she’ll come to check on me like it’s her sole purpose in life.

I don’t have to doubt the intentions of any animal I’ve raised, but people? People will give you reasons to doubt, to not trust. People who think everyone is innately good are so off base, and I cannot imagine being that level of naive. It’s a stupidity I cannot afford.

We are all different. We all have shit we are dealing with, and things we are doing to better ourselves.

Me? All of the above. I’m not a negative person due to bad days and painful struggles. When I achieve goals, I know I have earned my place. My achievements aren’t false and I don’t purchase my goals.

No one hands you anything in life. Not in truth. Be mindful of invisible strings attached and the expectations others have when you allow them that level of access. Use your fucking brain!

They say domestic cats are still preprogrammed with certain wilderness skills. It’s often why they will sleep with their “person” or “people”. My cats have their own beds and they use them, but when I’m hurting, be it physically or emotionally, they’ve got my back. People? Not so much.

Kitten is my constant sidekick. Writing? She’s next to me. Trying not to meltdown? She will come to comfort me. I know she loves me because she will bust open the door to my room and just stay by my side. She doesn’t stand on ceremony.

Cat is different. She requires an invitation in calligraphy. She had me for the first year of her life, and while she needed a companion so she’d stop attacking me, she officially outgrew this need a few years ago. To this day, she will still crawl into my lap like she did as a tiny bean, and she won’t move. She thinks she’s still about three pounds. She is sweet and sassy, but ultimately they are both fiercely protective of me, even when I’m asleep. They have woken me from nightmares and cuddled close when I feel cold and completely empty. They often treat me like I am the mother cat. The way they greet me is the way a kitten would greet its mother. It’s beautiful and a little sad because I know they were both taken from their mothers too soon. 😦

Not to knock my real friends, but these are my girls. I know they will be with me until the end of their lives. I made a commitment when I filled out their adoption forms, wrapped them up in a warm blanket, and put them in a carrier to take them home. They immediately trusted me. A cat can live over twenty years. Every single day, I pray I have that long with them. They are such blessings and I never worry about them secretly judging me. I already know they do, but I also know they’d kill for me.

I didn’t sign up for all this pain and strife, but I did sign up to love my little balls of trouble. People will come and go, but your cats will stay by your side because they know your heart better than anyone else. That’s unconditional love in the truest form.

Sorry dog owners; I can only speak for what’s mine.

© 2020 by Lisa Marino and Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.