The Thirteenth Year

May. The month of darkness. The month of flashbacks, nightmares, anger at being robbed of loved ones… It’s hell. I suffer silently; no one is particularly interested in what I have to say. I remind myself it isn’t personal, some people simply aren’t full-fledged human beings. C’est la vie.

Thirteen years ago tonight, my mother’s heart gave out. I got the phone call, “We’re trying to revive her, but…” The BUT was my mother’s DNR; a point of contention between us for years. I had power of attorney and I remember saying, “Screw the DNR. If she can be revived, you save her life.” An hour later and I knew. I remember looking at the clock, in pure silence, and knowing the exact moment when she left. When I received her death certificate, the time was not a shock, but it jolted me. My life was permanently altered. I feel like I’ve lived a nightmare almost every day since.

One of the most important messages my mother instilled in me was to ALWAYS be honest and speak up for my beliefs. I am not a passive, gullible, peace-keeper; I was built for war and educated argument. My mother knew, before I was born, that I was strong and a force to be reckoned with. That’s the kind of daughter she wanted; one who would always speak her mind, one who would not pretend, and one who wouldn’t take shit from anyone, because she’d know her worth and would not be afraid of walking into rooms and being a strong, powerful, determined individual. I suspect she got what she ordered. 😉

My parents taught my brother and I to focus on facts, and to know when we were being lied to. Not everyone is blessed with intuitive education. I was not taught to hate. I am an intuitive person with a mind which pays attention to details others might miss. Micro-aggressions, body language, any shift in behavior or verbal tone is something I will notice. I am grateful for these things, because I know other parents weren’t teaching such things, and because much of this knowledge has saved my life in many situations.

My mother was the best. I was blessed with someone truly devoted to her children, imperfections aside, because NO ONE is perfect. We’re all human.

I miss you. There are no words for the amount of pain I am still trying to work through. Time does not heal a damn thing. Not in this situation.

Necessary Caturday Humor


I guess I survived another week feeling like a caged animal, among other things. I’ve only gotten claustrophobic once, in an MRI machine, but now I am claustrophobic wearing a mask and feeling stuck indoors since I am a destination walker and nearly all destinations are closed. I’m hoping I can avoid hyperventilating in Walmart tomorrow because my cats need food and other necessary supplies we’re low on, and they outnumber me. If your cat hasn’t judged you this week, you can borrow one of mine and be judged. 😉


Out Of Order


This is my self-portrait at the moment. I genuinely wish I had more to offer today, but my pain levels are sky-high and my doctor has decided that he won’t be treating my pain after all. This agitates me to be told one thing and have another thing entirely occur. It also means I will have to search harder for someone who is willing to take my suffering seriously.

My body is laughing at the Tylenol I have been taking in an attempt to take the edge off. Let’s face it; it’s a placebo effect. It isn’t meant for chronic pain. I’m thisclose to becoming a day drinking champion the moment we include Kombucha and other organic beverages (like the green tea lemonade I’m fond of.). It’s safe to say my body, mind, and soul are completely burnt out. Pain of any kind will do that to a person. 😦

Plus, as we glide into may tomorrow, it’s a reminder of how much pain a month delivers to a person. I am determined to get through it the best way I know how. Clearly, I can’t do anything I want to do since we’re all under stay at home orders, but I do need to drag my ass through the month, no matter how I feel. I wish I could say I’ll be doing it with the support of loved ones, but that isn’t the case. Nearly everyone has their head up their ass, and I’m not a fan of one-sided relationships, so I’m doing what I feel is right. This whole quarantine situation has brought everyone’s true colors to the forefront. So for now, I’m going to lay low and pop up when I have something meaningful to say.

Wash your hands and wear masks. There’s nothing like “mugger chic” to bring out the weirdness. 😉 My mask has paw prints on it. Yes, paw prints. Personally I think it’s a lot better than Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins logos, but that might just be the New Yorker in me. I’ll be back.


Feeling Like A Hostage Negotiator

What’s the holdup? Basically, my laptop will no longer charge and needs to be replaced. It’s been too long already without being able to write, and I’m slowly losing my mind.

I’m trying to hunt down a temporary replacement. Something used since I can’t yet afford the model I need, and the manufacturer doesn’t offer financing. $50 a month I can do, but I’m only seeing the model from their website. Apparently it’s not offered in most stores. Who the hell wants a laptop without a DVD player/burner? Not I. Occasionally, a girl wants to add music to her extensive library, watch a movie, or add new software. I feel like this is common sense stuff.

Almost thought I found one Wednesday night, but as soon as I asked questions, the person pulled the Marketplace listing. 😒 Yesterday, he relisted the laptop for 60% more than what he was asking for originally, and I’m suspicious that he’s got ten laptops listed. Call me crazy! 🤷

My local library does allow you to use their computers, but it’s a nearly five mile trek to and fro for two hours of use. Not a bad way to get some exercise, but I hurt myself going up there last week. I came back with burns on my feet, wearing walking sneakers that I rarely wear. I bought them because the money helped support the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk. I’ve never had an issue wearing them before, but I had to perform immediate first-aid. Yeah, I know. 😒 For the record, it wasn’t hot and I don’t know why it happened. I do feel my lower back injury is causing me to walk funny. I still have a burn on one foot and a healing burn on the other.

I’m doing my best to get this situation fixed. My brother would have given me most of the money I need for a new laptop, but he has missed a considerable amount of work due to his heart issues. He will be having surgery in early July. I refuse to take a penny from him when I know he’s saving for rent and food. I’m praying the surgery will be a success and that, as the surgeon told him, he will be back to work with 2-3 days. I’m not sure I believe that, as he still has unhealed issues from his first heart operation. This isn’t an extremely invasive procedure, but I suspect I did more research than he will. I’m concerned, obviously.

Overall, I’m dealing with a lot of stressful situations all at once. I’m praying for positive energy and positive solutions. I’m doing my best, but right now, I feel like a hostage negotiator in my own life. I feel immensely trapped, stuck, and I’m trying to calm down and get on everything. One day at a time, I guess.

I’m working on it all. Fingers crossed. I know better days are ahead, but I don’t have a timeframe. I’ll keep you all posted. In the meantime, I’ll be buying some additional notebooks and draining a pen or three.

Have a great weekend, everyone.