Mental Vacancies

2015-03-19 Miss Poison Fibromyalgia, Health, Life, Pieces Of Me, Work, Writing Editing, Fibromyalgia, Health, Life, Pieces Of Me, Work, Writing

Hello everyone! I did mean to write something sooner, but quite frankly, the brain does what the brain wants to do. Of late, I wasn’t 100% sure it was even there any more. However, I assure you it’s all firmly attached, but there never seems to be enough time in a day and my thoughts simply aren’t “write-worthy”.

What to say? I am still working on big manuscript. I’m exhausted from that because I’ve gone over it 4-5 times (the first 100 pages) and I’m still finding little things that bother me. Outside of work, I am dealing with some scary health stuff. The Fibromyalgia flares have been severe, then I’m fine, and then they’re severe again. All in a matter of a few days. The scary health stuff is completely separate. I’d rather be able to say “I don’t have ____.”, as opposed to talking about it ahead of time. Yes, like many of you, I did go on WebMD and the Mayo Clinic’s web-site and quite frankly, I only managed to scare the shit out of myself, so no more. I pray it’s nothing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look or feel like “nothing”.

Other than all that, I’ve done nothing but cook, transfer items from the washing machine to the dryer (repeating as necessary), have chased the littles around, fought with Sassy over being brushed (She thinks the brush is some kind of challenge. I think it’s the best way to keep her short to medium length coat manageable.), and have fought for every minute of sleep. Tomorrow, I will attempt to tackle real errands. It’s not what I want to be doing, but it’s what I have to do. Wish me luck.

I hope everyone has had a good week. I’m doing my best. I appreciate all the comments and messages sent my way. 🙂

Is anyone else following a specific team in the NCAA Tournament?

Which is a lot like listening to Kanye West "speak". — Which is a lot like listening to Kanye West “speak”.

In Some Situations

2015-02-18 Miss Poison Creativity, Editing, Editors, Health, Inspiration, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writer, Writers, Writing Creativity, Editing, Health, Inspiration, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Talent, The Creative Mind, The Creative Voice, Work, Writers, Writing

In some situations, you are the problem. In others, you are the problem solver. In the last week, I have been both the problem and the problem solver, but I’m proud of myself because I found a way around the problems and managed to solve them without losing my cool, yelling, screaming, or “unleashing the beast”.

It’s no secret that I have a temper. Push me and I will push back so hard, you’ll be in another country before you know what hit you. Over the last few years, I’ve worked really hard to dial back the temper and be a less anger-based person. So far, so good.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel and certain situations and people call for anger, but the day-to-day stuff does not. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” couldn’t be a more true statement or wiser advice. However, there’s a time and a place for every thing.

This past week I’ve struggled with my health, with work, and with things in my personal life. I’m concerned about my health, but all I can do is pray for the best and handle things as they come my way. Work, by comparison, is uncomplicated. I find it interesting how very specific projects land in my lap, and they’re 100% in my wheelhouse. It just goes to show you that the right people find you at precisely the right time. I truly have no explanation for all the batshit crazy people, but that’s life. There’s no true rhyme or reason, it simply is what it is.

I’d like to thank all of the new followers that have come on board over the last few weeks. It’s so lovely to see readership grow in a positive way. 🙂 I also have to thank those of you following on Twitter. Feel free to follow and let me know what else you’d like to see here.

For now, all I can say with certainty is that stress and snow are causing me to not sleep well. Every night I have intentions of being in bed at 9:00 PM. Thus far, that’s just not working out and it’s driving me insane. Generally writers and insomnia go hand in hand, but because it screws up my days so badly, I am hoping this stops really soon. I’d rather write and edit all day as opposed to finally be hitting the pillow as the sun is rising. It’s not healthy and it’s disrupting so much that days just seem to blend into one another. I hope this coming weekend will be a breakthrough for me. Even if that breakthrough means I have to take a few sleeping pills to re-set my internal clock, I’m willing to do it. I simply cannot go on like this, it’s no way to live.

Work is going well. There is something wonderful about a writer that wants cohesiveness throughout their entire body of work and in turn, only wants to work with an editor that is honest, that pushes them to be better, and that truly knows their stuff. Working with an editor can be difficult if you’re unsure of yourself or you’ve heard only good things about your work prior to handing it over to a professional. It can be jarring for some people, and for others, it’s about revising, releasing, and moving forward. Detaching from your work is hard at times, but it’s the only way you grow as a writer.

I’m grateful to be booked up and to be sent projects I am highly knowledgeable about. I’ve taken way too many jobs where I didn’t know all the things I should have known about the subject matter, but because they were only critiques or proofs, I didn’t have to be, I just had to give my honest opinion and correct errors that had previously been missed. Editing is completely different. I’ve been very lucky to be sent things I know a lot about. Sometimes, especially in situations such as these, knowledge is power. Knowledge helps you make someone a better writer, a stronger storyteller. In turn, you come away feeling good about yourself too and then it’s not “just a job”.

Not everyone is a writer. Most people are born with the talent and the ability. It’s the creative voice and the creative mind unleashed. It’s not for everyone, and I think it’s important for people to realize that. I read plenty of manuscripts that make me cringe and many that make me smile. Okay, so the larger percentage makes me cringe, but you get my point.

Talent is what sets everyone apart. I may not be talented like five other women in the same room with me, but I know my skill-set very well and I’m not going to make myself small for anyone. I’m already short enough. 😉

Enjoy the rest of your week my lovely bunch of nuts.

Virus Be Gone, Before I Drop A House On You!!

2015-01-052015-01-05 Miss Poison Health, Writing I'm Sick, January, Reading, Things I Hate, Work, Writing

Remember the cold I thought I was coming down with? I really didn’t think it would last. I drank tea, I had chicken noodle soup. I got quality rest. This morning, it is a full on VIRUS. I am not good at being sick. I hate it, and I hate whoever spread their God damn germs in public so as to ensure I got this viciousness. I am contemplating hunting them down, ripping their arms off, and beating them to death.

A friend of mine is terrified of getting sick every winter, and I understand why, though I don’t usually contemplate it too much for myself because I don’t spend a lot of time around people that are potential “carriers”. Yes, that’s what I call the people I interact with, especially during the winter months. I want to dip all of them in Listerine at the front door and keep them and their germs at bay. We won’t discuss how many times I say “Did you wash your hands?” or “Where have your hands been?” on any given day. I’m a firm believer that most guys pay very little attention to what they touch. I’ve seen their cell phones, who are they kidding?!

Realistically speaking, colds and flu viruses have gotten so much worse than they once were. A really bad bout of either can take you out for two weeks, or longer. A very close friend of mine made me ultra aware of something going around last year, so I have been using antibacterial wipes on pretty much every surface I come in contact with. Especially in public. People stare at me as I wipe down shopping carts at the three different grocery stores I frequent. Hell, what do they think the wipes at the front door are for? I have no idea when someone last changed that adorable baby’s dirty diaper, do I really want to put my hands where they allowed that child to sit for God only knows how long? NO.

I keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse, just in case a bathroom somewhere is out of soap. This happened to me once on a trip in a very touristy spot. Since that fateful day of no soap and no water in a tourist attraction bathroom, I have purchased purse size bottles of Bath & Body Works antibacterial gel and I keep it in my bag until I use it up. They’re small, but a little goes a long way at keeping my peace of mind. I usually have one in my nightstand and 2 others as purse back-ups, just in case. They’re inexpensive when you buy on-line in bulk, and at least then, you know your hands are clean. This also comes in really handy when you have to take your contact lenses out in public to clean them (Does this happen to anyone else during the spring and summer months?) and you don’t want to get your hands wet from washing them before putting your lenses back in. You don’t want to potentially lose a lens or have one stick to anything other than your eye, of course. Lenses that get foggy or sticky are unbearable to wear.

I contacted both of my clients this morning to let them know I am sick. It might have been an overly cautious measure, but I would rather be honest than have them not know I am delayed, even if only by a day or two. I do have plenty of time to complete both projects by their deadline dates, but I have no idea how long this virus from hell is going to have me down, so I know in my heart I did the right thing. I have been offered a long-term developmental job as well. I have absolutely no expectations there, but it was nice to see the offer when I woke up this morning. It was a nice bit of positivity as I sit here contemplating what to do based on how sick I am. A normal person would go back to sleep. Alas, I find myself wide awake, but my body is saying “I don’t think so, sweet pea!” I suspect I’ll hunker down with a book. I find myself incredibly bored with everything though, including the one book I want to finish. Perhaps I will hit my bookshelves for the beginning of my yearly Moral Instruments pilgrimage. If nothing else, it’s engaging.

Retailers Should Really Be Ashamed Of Themselves

2014-11-15 Miss Poison Chanukah, Christmas, Generosity, Gifts, Health, Honesty, Musings, People, Poison In Lethal Doses, Retailers, Shopping, Thanksgiving, Unfiltered, Writing, Yule America, Chanukah, Christmas, eBay, Etsy, Family, Friends, Gift-Giving, Health, Heart, Holidays, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Retailers, Shopping, Thanksgiving, Writing, Yule

Retailers Should Really Be Ashamed Of Themselves

October hadn’t even ended and the few stores I walked into were full of Christmas trees, decorations, candy, and “special, early shopper prices”. I hate this time of year.

I don’t do Christmas. You will not find green & red anywhere in my home and you most certainly will not see a tree, lights, tinsel, et al. I won’t even “celebrate” it at someone else’s home. I celebrate Chanukah (Kuddos to Target for the most awesome Chanukah decor. I could easily have bought all of it, it was truly beautiful stuff. The nicest I have seen in years.) & Yule. Chanukah is centered around family, treats, sweets, and the miracle of oil lasting for eight nights, instead of one. If you don’t know the story of the Maccabees, Google it. I can probably look forward to a box of much wanted books, but I do not expect anything else on the gift front.

Yule is the Winter Solstice. It’s also the day I buried my father, so it’s hard on me. The two holidays coincide this year, but because I’m having an especially rough year I am not doing gifts for anyone, including myself. This has been my commandment of the past two years: Don’t spend money on anything extra that is not truly necessary. I’ve done well.

Every retail outlet in America will have you believing you need new EVERYTHING, and that you need it all RIGHT THIS SECOND. Between TV’s, computers, cell phones, tablets, and a plethora of other gadgets, billions of dollars will inevitably be spent no matter what. I know way too many people who spend thousands of dollars they don’t have on gifts for everyone and their Great-Uncle, and they don’t even like 9/4’s of the people they’re giving gifts to, they simply feel obligated. When their credit card statements arrive in January, they are filled with shame, remorse, and the simple fact that they are now seriously in debt, and for what?!

I’m more of a gift card kind of gal. I like choosing my own gifts, unless you’re going to Sephora, in which case, you can’t go wrong on anything (I’m joking, sort of.), but when it comes to giving, I like to do something for a person that they probably wouldn’t do for themselves. I don’t ever put a price tag on my best friends, God-daughter, or my Aunt. With my brother, I do have to limit him into a reasonable category because he always asks me for insane things. I don’t remember what I got him last year, but I do know he got exactly what he wanted/asked for, and that I spent next to nothing because I found both items on eBay for a steal. It DOES pay to shop around for the best price.

I really enjoy the quality and uniqueness of gifts on Etsy. I have bought everything from hand-crafted jewelry, sugar scrubs, and laptop cases, all the way to homemade fudge & plants for my Aunt’s garden, and pretty much everything has been great. Several pieces of jewelry were for me, and I wear them religiously. I bought an amazing leather wallet one year, and I love it to pieces. It’s got a great rock ‘n’ roll edge to it that makes it so unique looking. I’m not the least bit embarrassed to pull it out of my purse. I highly recommend doing a very thorough search of that site if you want items that are unique and affordable. Most people are taking orders now in advance of the holidays to guarantee timely delivery, and I understand that because they’re one person businesses. That’s different.

Retailers are disgustingly greedy, and yes, people need their retail jobs, I respect that, but none of us need to go running to any of those stores on Thanksgiving Day and be taken away from our families/friends. The employees themselves should also be home with their families, not running to work the very same night to “prep the store” for a pre-Black Friday opening. It gets worse every year, and it makes me sick.

This year I’ve decided to buy of all my normal stuff in advance at Walmart. Basically, that means all of my paper products, garbage bags, and 8 bags of cat litter. This will help me avoid anything there, short of the pharmacy, during all the crazy madness.

If you’re giving gifts this year, give from your heart. I’d rather receive something a person has made (craft stores are AWESOME!) than an after-thought they grabbed while trying to trample over 20 other people. The only thing I asked for this year is a scarf. I do have a nice one that (sort of) matches my coat, but I’d like something in grey. I’m allergic to wool, so this should be a fun little search in an attempt to not get sick this Winter. Perhaps I will even find a matching hat. However, the only thing I truly WANT is my health (and prosperity).

Nothing on this planet is more important than one’s health. Without it, you cannot do any of the things you want to do, should do, or need to do. Without it, you forever feel like you’re living on borrowed time. There’s nothing inside any retail store that can restore it, so consider this closely.

I know a lot of people forgo their regular “diets” during the holidays because they want to enjoy everything offered to them. There’s a reason the word “die” is in “diet”. I’m a firm believer in balance. I’m also not subjected to countless gatherings and parties, so “holiday weight” is not an issue for me. January is not my “It’s time to get back to the gym.” resolution, which most people only manage to keep up with for a few weeks, or a month, tops. I do consider which vitamins I should be taking, if there’s anything new that might physically increase my health and resistance to illness, and I try to make small changes that can make meals healthier and tastier, but all in all, I don’t obsess much. The past two years have shown me that the simplest things can be the most delicious things, and that it’s perfectly okay to have the 2nd cupcake.

So, while retailers throw everything and the kitchen sink at you in order to get you into their stores right away, consider yourself, your families, your budgets, and make a stand in advance. If you started early, good for you. If you’re strictly doing Cyber Monday, you’re probably better off. If you’re hitting the stores to chase down bargains, do so carefully and safely, and make sure you keep all your receipts, just in case.

Personally, I’m going to be un-subscribing from every single retailer that sends me an early shopping e-mail starting today. I’m utterly sick of the bullshit, but hey, that’s me. We’re all entitled to how we feel in regards to all of this meshugas. (If you don’t know what that means, Google it. Yes, that’s one of the languages I speak.)

The Need For Silence

2014-10-302014-10-30 Miss Poison Being Real, Cats, Friends, Friendship, Goals, Growth, Happiness, Health, Honesty, Hope, Images/Photos/Quotes, Musings, Negativity, October, Pets, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reflection, Relationships, Silence, Space, Wicca, Work, Writing Cats, Friends, Halloween, Healing, October, Recovery, Samhain, Silence, Sons of Anarchy, Stalker, Wicca, Writing

Tomorrow is Samhain, which is Halloween for the uninitiated who can’t even pronounce what I just said. I’ve taken some time this week to be quiet, to look deeply within, and to give myself some space. Every year brings a new set of challenges, and I am hoping to embark on happier ones this time around. Simply put: I am sick of the crap. Every last ounce of it. I’m ready for positive change, happy change, and I am looking forward to putting a lot of unhappiness and negativity to rest.

My only plan for tomorrow is to try hard to finish the read-through I am doing, and catch up on some little things that need to be put in the mail. Beyond that, nothing. I want a quiet day, I want to light candles at dusk, and I want a night of quality sleep. I don’t need scary movies to “get into the spirit”. I’ve already seen Sons of Anarchy and Stalker this week, I’ve had my dose of gore and I’ve been thoroughly ‘creeped out’.

It probably seems odd for someone so young to be in such desperate need of silence, but it’s honest. I already bought sweets this week and they were for myself. Okay, so I shared, but you get the point. The actual Halloween aspect doesn’t reside in my home. Samhain, on the other hand, does. It’s when I honor my loved ones who have passed away and light candles of remembrance. It’s when I keep my cats close to me and SAFE. I don’t believe in having outdoor cats, I never have and I never will. That is a personal choice because I believe that if you are going to have any kind of pet, you should do what is absolutely best for him/her and their overall well-being. When you rescue, you should give them a safe home. Last year there was a lot of concern over black cats being harmed. I own an all-black British Bombay who is the sweetest, most laid back little girl, so it’s even more important to me to keep her safe and sound. I don’t ever want my cats to know “the street life” again, which is precisely why I adopted them. You save a life, but you also save bits of yourself in the process.

Also, I have a very dear friend in the hospital, and I want to make sure I say a special prayer for her recovery. I’m breaking out the big guns on this one! 🙂

So, if there isn’t another post this month, enjoy the holiday however you choose to embrace it and keep yourself and those you hold dear safe & sound.

Bright Blessings.

You May Not See It Today

Image 2014-10-01 Miss Poison Goals, Growth, Happiness, Health, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Pieces Of Me, Survival Goals, Gratitude, Growth, Happiness, Health, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Survival

I especially find this true today. I have somehow managed to survive 8 of the worst years in my life. I am in awe of the growth and change in who I am as a person, and how far I have come. I know there is plenty more ahead of me, and I challenge myself to achieve the goals I set forth, however large or small.

Hope you all have a happy start to this new month. 🙂

Does Creativity Pay?

2014-09-13 Miss Poison E-books, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Things That Enrage Me, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Unfiltered, Writers, Writing Creativity, Ebooks, Finding Work As A Writer, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Unfiltered, Writing

It’s Official, I Lack The Ability Of Dumbing Myself Down

A few weeks ago I officially signed up with an on-line Freelancing service that allows you to submit proposals for a laundry list of writing jobs, as well as other creative endeavors. Every single job that I am 1000% perfect for has either been A) Canceled because the entire project was scrapped or B) Given to someone else. I guarantee you that anyone who got a job over me dumbed themselves down in order to get it.

I’m not saying that a person that got a writing job over me is stupid. I don’t know them. However, I know that the low bid is always the one that gets the job. People can say a lot of things about me, but I’m NOT stupid.

I’m not going to apologize for placing my actual worth and value into a proposal. I have 27 years of writing experience, 19 years of editing experience, an incredibly vast array of knowledge, and if I wanted to be paid by the hour, I’d look into becoming a hooker (I’m kidding, I’m too tired to seriously consider that.).

Truth be told, if Fibromyalgia wasn’t killing me each day, I might contemplate a “normal” job at someplace like Sephora where my knowledge of fragrance, skin care, make-up, and all things beauty would be appreciated, albeit at an hourly rate. The only reason I’ve never done it is because I know I can’t get out of bed nine days out of ten and show up at a job like that. No company wants an employee that can only show up once or twice a week, that’s simply not going to fly.

Being a writer is one of those professions where people either assume you’re loaded because “J.K. Rowling made millions.”, or they assume that with magazines folding constantly and eBook sales up (Want to know how much you can be paid to write an eBook for someone else? Between $10-$125, and in many instances, your name will not be the one credited for writing it. I find it insulting beyond words. If you want me to write a book of 50 recipes and you want it in a week, you cannot come to the table with scraps. A high school student or a freshman in college might take a job like that, but an experienced writer is going to laugh at you.), you’re either okay or a step away from being on the street. People accept “Writer” as an occupation without questioning it too much, unless they don’t know a lot about what it takes to be a writer and make a name for yourself.

Since my sign-up date, I have done nothing, but write job proposals. Placing a price on your hourly rate, or your rate per 100 words, or your per job rate is tough. Like any other creative being, I want to pay my bills, put food on the table, provide for my health, and be able to breathe. If I have a rough week, I want to know that I don’t have to write my ass off this week in order to make ends meet.

So, after writing all of these proposals, I finally got a response. It seemed promising, until a little while ago when my original quote of $300 is now being asked to go down to $30-$45 a month. I understand it’s a newish business, I respect that, but here is what I am being asked to do: Monthly blog posts, creative marketing, and some creative PR packages to get jewelry into fashion magazines. That entails a lot of work, and truth be told, $300 is not my normal rate. The more we go back and forth, the more she seems to want out of me, and I have to wonder if I am simply up against the eight other people that also bid on the job, or if she really thinks that is what my time is truly worth. Regardless, she has received a sample of my work and can decide for herself. If you want quality work, don’t insult me.

After handling that, I was then sent 15 pages of a novel for another job. I have to say, I was annoyed when I got to the end because even with all the mistakes and changes that would have to be made, there was an awful lot of potential in there and I wanted to keep reading (and correct everything, because it’s force of habit!). I bid on the job. I gave a very decent price for editing a first novel, well within the person’s budget, and I will see how it goes. However, I am sick and tired of the bullshit involved.

If you want something done professionally, don’t insult the professional you’re trying to hire for the job. If you want someone experienced and intelligent, don’t expect them to waste their time if you aren’t willing to properly compensate them. Never have I tried hiring someone for something on a creative level, and then insulted their intelligence and effort by countering their quote. It’s hard enough for me to put a price on myself, but when you insult me, it makes me want to respond by letting you know how unprofessional you are.

You want something done right? Come to play, or get the fuck out of my way.

Emotionally Bad Days

2014-09-09 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Growth, Health, Humor, Pieces Of Me, Unfiltered, Writing Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Finding My Center, Growth, Health, Humor, Laughter, Pieces Of Me, Writing

I don’t care how positive you are about life, or the world at large, an emotionally bad day can, and will, screw with you.

I was up way too late last night, which I partially blame on a phone call, but take full responsibility for the rest. I was beat, but for some reason, I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep. By the time I got into bed, my pain had escalated so bad I wanted to cry, scream, throw things, and just plain have an epic tantrum. Alas, I’m not under the age of 10, so tantrums don’t look very good and aren’t acceptable, not even in the privacy of my own home. All I truly wanted was some rest and the pain to stop. I am not sure if anyone else uses any Icy/Hot type of product with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain. I have had decent results with an organic one, but right now the pain is so bad that there’s simply no reason to be concerned about a chemical that MIGHT affect you some day up the road. Not when you’re a step away from ripping your own limbs off with your bare hands. Believe it or not, Walmart makes the BEST generic version of this stuff that I have ever used. I can cover my entire back and legs in it and fall asleep in bliss. Even better, it lasts longer, so I will remain asleep. Note To Self: MUST BUY TOMORROW.

Experiencing pain like this day in and day out is very difficult for me to navigate. It screws with my creative process, it slows down my brain capacity because my body is, essentially, battling itself, and it makes me feel like a complete and utter moron that cannot find her words. I am incredibly articulate, but I have days when my words are absolutely baffling, even to me. Sometimes they’re funny, and easily laughed off, and other times I am disturbed by how the concise thought in my head became the most distorted sentence ever to be heard by another person. Thankfully the people in my life aren’t judging me too harshly. I’ll say something bizarre, I’ll get stared at for a second or two, and then we’ll laugh. Or it will be SO outrageous that I’ll still be hearing about it weeks later, because it’s that funny and so unlike me. I say goofy shit all the time to make people laugh and to make them feel better, but when it’s completely unintentional, it can become a bit of a laugh fest.

Today, I take the time to rest. Yesterday was too highly charged emotionally for me, and I am still freaked out. I am praying for better, stronger days ahead. I am trying to ward off the negative by focusing on the positive and looking clearly at my future. Some days I feel so incredibly old that I don’t think there’s much of a future there, but then I realize that I’m not in the grave just yet, so it’s time to keep fighting.

And fight on, I shall.

P.S. Thank you & WELCOME to all the new subscribers. I am so humbled and awed by the positive support. I notice many of you are following me on both platforms and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. 🙂

Have You Ever Had A Day…

2014-09-08 Miss Poison Being Real, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Uncategorized, Unfiltered, Writing Answers, Fibromyalgia, God/Goddess, Help, Hope, Horrific Days, Power, Prayer, Strength, Writing

Have You Ever Had A Day…

We’ve all had days where we’d like to call into work or life “dead”. For me, today is one of those days. I’ve reached a breaking point. It started yesterday, when I had to walk away from a very serious look at suicide. No, I am not seeking attention with my honesty, I am simply being forthcoming. Why do so many things have to go wrong all at once? Why does every single thing in life revolve around money?

Money equates security, and it also equates greed, depending on how you look at it. Some people are so greedy for “stuff” that they never realize they could be helping someone in need. It doesn’t even occur to them. No matter how bad things get in my life, I always look at where I came from and if a small donation to charity will make a difference, then I will do it. If helping someone with a problem, or simply being a good person is what is needed of me on any given day, then I don’t even think about it, I just do it.

For me, money is about security. It’s about making sure the bills are paid, there is a roof over my head, and food on the table. It’s also about providing for my overall health. Yes, I like nice things, what woman doesn’t, but if it comes down to buying something shiny and buying food, I am going to choose food. If it comes down to paying my bills or buying something fancy, I am going to pay my bills. In this, I feel like my priorities are in check. Someone suggested to me that during my struggles, I get rid of my cat. I was LIVID. I would rather STARVE than surrender a precious little life that trusts and loves me into the hands of a shelter. Who else will cheer me up with her insane antics and ankle biting?!

Some days though, I simply don’t know how I survive, or why. These past two years have been a terrible struggle for me with my health, with family, and life in general. When you’re suffering, finances dwindle pretty quickly. As my health worsens, I am faced with the very real possibility of being homeless, of requiring a pain pump to help manage the Fibromyalgia, and possibly a wheelchair. I assure you that I am far too young for the last two, and yet, these are all very real possibilities. Moreover, they’re terrifying.

If you believe in a Higher Power, today I ask that you say a little prayer for anyone and everyone suffering and struggling. I will do the same. I believe strongly in the power of prayer, and I also believe that sometimes the best things comes out of the absolute worst things.

Today I find myself desperate, humbled, and scared for so many reasons. I have nothing left, but to believe that God has answers, and that they will soon show themselves in unexpected ways.

Out Of The Ashes

2014-08-082014-08-17 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Pieces Of Me, Writing Chronic Pain, Doctors, Drug Addiction, Fibromyalgia, Health, Medicine, Painkillers, Writing

Out Of The Ashes

One of the first PILD pieces I ever wrote was about drug addiction. It was an incredibly poignant piece of prose, but the basic theme was this: Anyone can become addicted to prescription pain medicine. This is a simple fact.

This is a new blog, and since many of the readers may not know me from “…..And The Moon Sees All”, let me clarify why I am writing about this particular subject.

In 2003, I believe, after years of bizarre pain and recurring injuries that I could not explain, a doctor sat me down and said “All of your tests have come back negative. Your blood work is good, everything’s negative. Your MRI is clear. Your x-rays only show the spinal issues that the MRI showed 4 years ago. Have you ever heard of Fibromyalgia?” I had only heard about it in passing, I did not know a lot about it. Not much was known about it on a whole, but in all honesty, I was a little too distracted, because knowing that what I had was not Lupus was much more prevalent in my mind.

My world changed that afternoon, and has continued to change every day since then. I finally had answers for what was plaguing me. Unfortunately, I did not know just how much the disease itself would plague my life, what it would take away, the time it would rob me of, and I still have no idea what it will do to me in the future.

When all of the pain began, I was put on several different types of pain medication and a muscle relaxer as the standard operating procedure. Coming from a background where I had worked for a professional athlete who’d had his demons with pain medication, I was not a fan of what this entailed. I was not going to become a person that lived her life based on her next dose, nor was I going to become this person that abused what she was given. To this day, I am still one of the most responsible users of medication that I know.

As the years have come and gone, I’ve pretty much adhered to a 2-3 times a day policy, even on my worst days. Technically I am allowed 8-10 pills per day. Many years ago, when the medication simply wasn’t strong enough because I’d been on it for so long, I was taking the maximum allowed dose every single day. Eventually, it all stopped working and I lost my patience. I then weaned myself off of it and now, on the absolute worst days, I will only take something at night. During the day I will take Tylenol or Aleve, but at night, I allow myself the prescription. On days when I cannot move a muscle or get out of bed, I might allow myself a morning pill, but I’ll definitely chastise myself over it.

Millions of people suffer from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain. There are a laundry list of side effects from each and the truth is, to this day, I still don’t know for sure if I have one or the other, or a combination thereof. My doctors have been lax. They have found it easier to refill prescriptions and try to refer me elsewhere because what I am going through is truly out of their wheelhouse.

I took very high doses of Cymbalta for 8 years and it did give me aspects of my life back. I almost felt like a regular person again. However, once it stopped working, I could no longer go back on it. I have tried multiple times at the 20 mg level (the lowest dose possible) and even that is too high a dose for my body now. I have tried Lyrica and while I know it helps some people, for me personally, I think it is a seriously awful drug. It was like being 100% aware in a coma. In turn, I’m not touching Savella with a ten foot pole.

My first referral was to a pain management center where they spend the entire day performing epidurals and nerve blocks. Strictly speaking, unless you are done having kids (which I am NOT, and obviously this only applies to women), you shouldn’t be using this as a form of pain relief unless you’ve chosen not to have kids. The risk of an epidural wearing off for me in the future in the middle of childbirth is a risk I am not willing to take. I spoke with my doctor about it and he was mortified that this was the only option being made available to me. He agreed with my perspective and said that if I went through with it, I would absolutely have one fail during childbirth. At that point, I was left without options.

I have tried experimental medications, some of which have only recently been approved for the treatment of Chronic Pain. One in particular robbed me of a week of my life, I will never take it again. I have done several courses of Eastern Medicine and while some of it worked well, others were so temporary that I don’t feel like two hours of pain relief is worth spending a week in bed. Herbs are not addictive, but you do continue to seek pain relief from them if they work. It becomes a different type of pattern, albeit a natural one that isn’t habit-forming.

My next step in this lengthy, exhausting process is a Fibromyalgia specialist. Yes, they do exist, but they’re hard to find and it’s not easy to get on a waiting list to see one. Many of them do not take any form of insurance, except Medicare, so they definitely don’t make it easy for you to seek out pain relief and the proper treatment method for your body. However, I am determined to get in to see the one in my area, even if that means a 6+ month wait, or longer.

I did nothing to cause the Fibromyalgia from creeping into my body and systematically trying to take over. There is a widespread belief that it is caused by physical and/or emotional trauma in your life, and the on-set is different for everyone. It is widely speculated that mine was caused due to a gymnastics injury that lingers to this day, but the truth is, my doctor was simply going over my history and looking for a particular physically traumatic event to try to help me find some closure as to how it may have happened. We will never truly know with any certainty.

Some people have Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain so mildly, that their flare-ups are just a few days per month. Others are experiencing pain so severe that they cannot function or take care of themselves, their lives change in the blink of an eye. None of us WANT to end up in wheelchairs, but I keep hearing about it and that is incredibly scary to me.

This disease is like many, it is a predator. It targets anyone, it does not discriminate. It can, and it does, happen to anyone.

So, the next time someone tells you they have Fibromyalgia, do not tell them they “don’t look sick”. I can’t tell you how often I get told that I “look great”. Yes, and it takes me 5 hours to look that way.

Don’t judge someone with any form of Chronic Pain or Fibromyalgia. Do some research and do what you can to lighten their load, even if it means cleaning a room for them when you can, taking them to doctors appointments when you are able, or cooking for them so that they don’t have to struggle in their attempts to put a meal together for themselves and/or their family. Be a supportive ear, and don’t take it personally when they inevitably have to cancel plans with you constantly because the pain is too much. They aren’t doing it on purpose, they don’t hate or dislike you, but they DO hate their pain. Do what you can to put their mind at ease. Be kind, be courteous, and above all, treat them the way you’d want to be treated if you found yourself in the same position tomorrow. If they weren’t able to go with you to see that movie, bring it to them when it comes out on DVD and provide them with a fun movie night at home. Make them comfortable. Show them that you care. Take their pain seriously and they will respect you for that. If you walk away from them thinking that they’re faking it or that it’s “all in their head”, pause for a second and factor in the simplicity of karma.