January

Where Did This Month Go?

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I blinked and it is January 31st. Another mindfuck.

I’ve had a lot to say, a lot to think about, and a lot I didn’t write this month. I’d start to say something and it would irk me, so I’d draft it and move on. In the meantime, I did manage to read over sixty books this month, so it’s not all bad. That’s a damn good achievement. Most of what I read was for research purposes and it will carry into February. The goal is to educate myself on specific topics, and get the information I am looking for while I read. I don’t do a lot of leisure reading these days. There’s a method to my madness.

I had an in-office medical procedure performed last Monday. I’m mostly used to it at this point, but man did it hit me hard. I was in so much pain after the fact, I actually fell asleep (In fairness, I nearly fell asleep multiple times in the waiting room before my doctor came out to see me. The medication I take should have had me wide awake and a little off-center, but instead, I was ready to nap.), whereas after this particular procedure, I often have trouble sleeping. I am still recovering from it (Recovery is approximately two full weeks, give or take. If I didn’t have an autoimmune disease, my body would respond differently.), and also dealing with some new (to me) aspects of Fibromyalgia pain. I get rib pain on my left side a few days before any type of storm hits (rain/snow). It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the back, but if cold air hits my lungs, it makes it so much worse. When I brought this up with my doctor, he blew it off completely and told me my lung x-ray was clear. That was many months ago, and I’m still in pain and still being ignored. I have also since had a really awful sinus infection which required two different antibiotics, so when I talk to him about coughing and associated pain, I hear him not taking my concerns seriously. As per usual.

One of the positive signs, once the state of emergency is lifted (And I have no idea when that will be, as Massachusetts cases are still quite high on the North Shore.), will be when I am able to safely make an appointment with someone new, and fire my current doctor. Believe me when I say my review of him will be honest, but fair, and it might come off a bit harsh, but since becoming my doctor a little over a year ago, he has been predominantly useless on every level. I don’t need any more useless physicians; and no one deserved to feel this way when they turn to a physician for help. More than once I’ve nearly suggested he go back to medical school. I have a Telehealth appointment scheduled with him for February. Since he’s gone back and forth with me, first saying, “We will find the source of your pain.” at my first appointment (and continuing to reassure me over time that this would be achieved.), to suddenly saying, “We may never find the source of your pain.”, I feel justified that he isn’t capable of handling my case. It isn’t my fault that I suffer from something he isn’t trained to handle; but it IS a failing of his medical education. The fact that he has other patients with almost the same medical history as mine is scary. I wonder if they’re content with his treatment or if they are being treated better, worse, or about the same. This is probably the first time I’ve questioned if we’re all getting the same treatment. I’ve noticed some people are being treated better based solely on their insurance. Mine covers damn near everything, so as a physician, if you’re changing up treatment methods based on insurance, you are failing your patients. I see so much lazy medicine, it drives me insane. I shouldn’t be doing work for a doctor. That isn’t right, or fair. I work hard enough without having to do extra work.

I will be making a small list of goals for the month of February. I will choose three, to keep it reasonable.

For starters, I will be supporting the American Heart Association for American Heart Month. You’ll notice the colors change monthly for whatever I am choosing to bring awareness to. Sometimes this will mean weekly color changes. Links are included in case the charity (or charities) I choose is something you would like to give a small donation to.

I chose AHA because genetic heart disease and heart attacks have affected more than 50% of my family members, starting with my paternal Grandfather, who died at age forty of a massive heart attack. My maternal Grandfather also passed away from a heart attack. 😦 I lost my mother the same way, and nearly lost my brother a few years ago to the same genetic disorder. I’ve been mildly assured I am not carrying the gene, but I am wary about it, and worry about passing it down. For all the good genes I have, heart issues are not at the top of the list. 😦 I am doing my level best to be healthier to avoid potential issues. I am determined to be my version of healthy, as opposed to an unhealthy mental version of what health should look like.

If there are any diseases you’d like to see me feature this month (or in general), please leave me a message here, or on any of my social media platforms. I will reply.

For now, I say goodbye to January and hope February will be kinder to us all.

Bright Blessings,

copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Etiquette

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I’m highly impressed with the cat’s posture. Little feet on the plate… I can’t stop laughing.

For the record, I trained my cats, as kittens, NOT to go on the dining room table or the kitchen counters, and they’re generally good about listening because I made it a mandatory thing. Occasionally, I’ll catch them testing me when they don’t think I’ll find out about it. Felines trying to get away with things is the story of my life. 😉

Ungrateful Caturday

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My cats have decided I’m merely a person who feeds them and rewards them for existing with expensive treats, which they think they should receive every few hours, so long as I’m working and they can annoy me. And they’ve taken to jumping on my head and screeching if they aren’t fed by 8:00 a.m.

As I type this, they are both standing near a mostly closed door, peeking in on me. If I move, so do their heads. This goes on for hours. I’ve become human furniture that requires regular cat spies. Next time, I’m ordering cuddly cats.

Writing, Reading, and Trying To Stay Focused

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It was a bizarre first week of January, to say the least. I’m going to try not to talk about what happened at the Capitol Building because my brain is still trying to process the remnants of the act. I didn’t know how much it would trigger my PTSD. Especially as someone I am familiar with shared his experience of being in lockdown in the building while this was happening. I remember immediately thinking of him and worrying, but he stayed in touch and I respect how honest he was about the entire ordeal. People like to say nasty shit to him, for no real reason other than trolling someone because their politics don’t line up with yours, but he’s been a good connection for me to make since moving to Massachusetts.

What have I been up to since January 1st? I’ve been reading like a madwoman, studying hard, and was also able to write over eight thousand words on a psychological thriller I’ve been trying to grasp for maybe six months, or so. The story is progressing nicely. 🙂 When I look back upon the beginning of the month, it seems like I had a steady, and successful week. I suppose I did. I’d consider it small steps, in truth.

This week is already different. I am determined to truly break open my new laptop (She’s beautiful and I shall name her Poison 8.0. I won’t lie; all of my laptops have names. Why else do they give me the option? 😉 It’s not for shits and giggles. I might not name a car, but I’m sure as hell going to name the laptop that keeps me creative and working.). The computer arrived much earlier than I expected, and after initially logging in, I put it back in its original box and set it aside. I had looked at it, from day one, as a matter for 2021. My brain, unfortunately, is still confused whenever I write the new year down or see it on anything. I have the same reaction to the calendar; it startles me a bit. I feel discombobulated, for lack of a better word. I feel like I blinked and there was a ton of change I haven’t quite caught up with just yet. I’ll get there, because obviously, work is taking off in a new direction and I have to be prepared for every moment of it. I am also going to take it to Best Buy and have all of my files transferred over as soon as I can. But only if it means getting them both back within the same day. I don’t want to miss a moment of this creative drive. It’s a nice ride to be on, and any good writer will tell you the same thing.

2020 was a good year for me financially and professionally, which encouraged me to break out of my shell a bit and look into new options. The “new options” and new projects are on their way, and I am encouraged by the authenticity of them. They are 110% ME from start to finish and I am proud of this fact. If you see me do something, know that I didn’t have help in it. I will only ever credit someone if I had no hand in it, but the work you see with my name on it, know I did it all.

The downside of having this success, on any level, is seeing how hard others have worked to try to one-up me. And it’s not so much, “work”, as it is someone trying to compete against me for no valid reason. It really made me roll my eyes; especially one person in particular who has felt more like a frenemy over the past 4-5 years, as opposed to a real friend. I realize some women don’t understand deep connections, and that’s okay, but I’m not going to get behind people, “just because”. That’s not who I am. My core group of friends know they will always have my support in whatever they do personally and professionally (Unless I am worried for them, in which case I will be honest. I’m known for my honesty because it’s part of who I am. Being direct shouldn’t be considered a bad thing.), and they support and encourage me, as well. They’re happy for me; not competitive. So, I’ve started severing ties here and there with toxic people and the negative energy they bring along. I do that to move forward, and I also do it because it helps my mental health not to see those low vibrations trying to touch me as I ascend.

I will say this now and never again: I don’t buy followers to make my numbers look better. Not here. Not on Twitter. Not on Instagram. Nowhere. When I look at my numbers, I know they are authentic. I don’t have bot followers. I have certainly been approached to pad my numbers, but that’s so disrespectful to my core readers and it detracts from my message, as well. My ego isn’t part of the equation here. I receive offers all the time to pad the numbers by tens to hundreds of thousands, and I refuse to do it. It sickens me. So while social media ebbs and flows, I let it be. I only follow and support people who are part of my circle and/or people I genuinely like. There’s no other reason to click the follow button, and I speak for myself on this level.

Occasionally a friend will have to remind me about their newest blog post, but they will also tell you I DO jump online and read it. I don’t allow people to have a lot of access to me anymore, so generally the people who can reach out instantly have my phone number and can text me whenever they want. Or, they will message me via a different app and we have a relationship based on communication and mutual support. I have seen these extremely talented individuals start from scratch and a few years in, they are, like me, not padding their numbers. I have more respect for that than I do for people who so obviously are buying fake followers. People don’t like to admit it, but I’ve had so many agents and publishers tell me they know it’s going on and they can’t abide by it. If it makes no sense to someone who knows how all of this works, then it should raise questions for others as well.

So, after I make hopefully just one more tedious phone call this week, I will have time to prepare the new laptop. In between reading and writing. If you’re going to be at home, you might as well be productive on as many levels as humanly possible. Because other than grocery shopping and laundry, books and creativity will always be there for me, and I’m grateful for that.

Stay tuned, my friends. Stay tuned. 🙂

Day One

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My vibe for this year is so different. I think part of it has to do with already knowing the direction I’m heading in, and knowing I can rock it. I only left a little, “up in the air”. The rest is falling into place, as it’s supposed to, because I did a lot of work preparing for it last year.

2021 is a complete investment in myself. I wasted too much time encouraging others, so now I’m encouraging myself. I’m not seeking approval or trying to be someone I’m not. I’m going to roll with it all, pray for the best, and be prepared if things aren’t some idealized version of, “perfect”, because that’s not realistic.

It’s important to remind myself how many impossible things I have already faced, head on, and survived or achieved. Basically, this is the year for me to remind myself who the fuck I am. I don’t require approval to grow or to be my best self. I am simply going to keep my mouth shut and do it. Sort of. 😉

Of course, this also bears the ultimate question… Are you ready for it?

Holding Pattern

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Almost two weeks ago, I fell. It was as if my right leg had been taken away for a minute or so. The aftermath left me wondering how bad my knee is, as well as my ankle and foot. I quietly reduced the ankle swelling, but I’ve also walked on broken bones in my foot and toes for months until the issue became something larger. If you were to look at x-rays of my feet, you would see healed fractures and probably some damage to repeatedly broken toes. They never heal perfectly, and I’ve smashed into two more times than I care to count. I no longer walk around barefoot. I’m lucky; they still look okay on the outside.

Last week, my doctor took me out of play. I was only allowed to be on my leg for important things, and not for long periods of time because I’m still limping. For me, the concern was that limping was putting undue pressure on my hip bones as I awkwardly toddled around. Painfully. He emailed me care instructions. Elevate. Ice. Heat, if need be, but mostly “Stay off of your leg as much as you can. Rest. Your body needs to heal. Your muscles need the break.” I was SO anxious and upset before calling, but his staff put me at ease and so did he.

Unfortunately, my body is taking a beating this month. There was a windstorm last Friday and as a result, the storm door blew out and when it blew back in, with me leaning down to grab a box at the door, it smashed into the top of my head. It was an insulting kind of whack. I’ve certainly experienced worse, but man, it was unkind.

This almost finished week had me stressed and unsettled. Monday I desperately needed more sleep than any individual should need. Tuesday I got a text at 6:30 in the morning and it was a person asking about my appointment. If I had slept another thirty minutes or so, I would not have made it to the scheduled appointment on time. I did, and because I had limped around over the weekend and helped bring groceries in up and down a flight of stairs, I found that my knee was sore, but I didn’t feel like it was broken, so I ran an errand because I had already found that I couldn’t get what I needed delivered. Trust me, if a company had been willing to send me same-day cat supplies (precisely in the order I need it in, which is slightly scrambled because I’ve got picky felines) and human food (I had a list on my phone and only returned with a few things. I just didn’t feel THAT great.), I would have stayed in my pajamas and waited for said deliveries. Alas, I paid for that move on Wednesday and Thursday when I wished I hadn’t fallen at all. I am not a good wounded person. I suppose no one is.

My ankle and foot, that spot where they meet? That’s where I did damage. I already knew it, because I can feel it, and my results after x-rays and a scan on Friday was tears to the Anterior and Posterior TaloFibular ligaments, as well as a third ligament tear. 🤦  I have a fracture in one toe. My knee has a tendon healing. I’m mostly grounded for the next 6-8 weeks (I was told I can walk around “gingerly” if no one can help me with things.) to make sure it’s all completely healed. They ordered a brace for my ankle, which is naturally on back order. 🙄 I’m disgusted. Especially since I have to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon. Even better, the radiology department called to let me know that they didn’t see it initially, but that I also have a hairline fracture to a bone in my foot. These people let me go home without a boot or a wrapped ankle. I asked and they stared at me like I was crazy. They did not ask if I was in pain or ask for my “pain number”, which is pretty standard procedure everywhere. I can walk in for a cold and will be asked about my pain level. I see my doctor in three weeks, but I’m afraid to even mention my pain because finding a good doctor is hard enough. No one should feel this way.

Worse, I am in this awkward holding pattern. I can *maybe* pick up groceries, but lifting them up a flight of stairs with my injuries was heavily discouraged. Mind you, they did not send over twelve guys to help with things I do during the course of a week. Laundry, cleaning the bathroom and bathtub, wiping the windows down with Windex (so my cats can drool on the picture window and make it look like I don’t clean it, EVER. Why are they drooling over birds and squirrels, anyway?!), vacuuming (which my cats screw up in fifteen minutes, so I end up frustrated when it looks like I didn’t do anything.), and other things no one even notices. I also changed my hair color this week, not a single person noticed. I mean, you can’t miss it. It’s a completely different shade of red. Whatever. <rolls eyes> I sometimes cook 4-6 nights a week, too. Again, they did not send assistance home with me, but I did leave with a worse cough, so there’s the gift that keeps on giving. #Cesspool

Yes, I have plenty of writing to do. Three manuscripts in progress. Twenty-six actual scripts to write for a new project I committed to. Plus, regular writing. However, that’s what I call shutting down into the abyss. It’s not completely healthy. A friend kindly pointed out that two months is a LONG time to heal. I said, “I’ll be productive with all the writing I have to do.” But the truth is; what if I’m not? Ugh. Doubt is a vicious creature. I’ll banish it on Tuesday. 😉

Hope you’ll all stick around with me.

XO,

lisa1

copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.