Pieces Of Me

We Remember 75

Miss Poison Holocaust Remembrance Day, Writing , , , , , , ,

https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/25/opinions/auschwitz-anniversary-recommit-never-again-lauder/index.html

Four of my relatives survived Auschwitz. Two of them were freedom fighters who saved thousands of lives. Many relatives went from concentration camp to concentration camp, until they were completely lost to us. If my numbers are wrong, I will come back and correct this, but these are the facts as I know them.
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Here’s the truth; the world at large ISN’T “pausing to remember”. That’s a political statement, it is NOT the truth.
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There are people in my own age bracket who don’t even KNOW what the Holocaust IS. They were never taught about it. And when you are told, “Six million Jews were exterminated”, that’s not an accurate depiction.
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In Belarus, Poland, Russia, Lithuania, and Ukraine (I have family ties to all of these countries.), there are still mass graves being unearthed. The body count is staggering. My cousin is an archaeologist and has been to some of these locations. She had to leave the first one because, after losing her Grandmother two and a half years ago, it was too much and she couldn’t stay and do her job. She was hysterical. It hit her hard as she was listening to her colleagues counting, and trying to figure out how many people were in this particular location. She called and couldn’t stop crying.
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The Holocaust was not, “Just Jews.” It was ANYONE who was branded as, “other”.  LGB, because back then there were no transgender people. Yes, as many as they could find. As many as neighbors would report in order to save themselves. Gypsies? Yes. The sick and elderly? Yes. They targeted pregnant women and shot them in the streets. They experimented on people like they were rats in cages. And that’s not even close to the deeper horrors. Many countries murdered their remaining Jewish population after the concentration camps were liberated. If Jews returned, they were killed. And to this day, they deny it, but many of us know the truth. Poland was one of the worst offenders, but not the only one.
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Please understand that this was not, “Just Jews.” Just some random killing spree. No. It was sickness borne out of hatred. This hatred is now in every major city, and many small towns. It has somehow survived far beyond the years of our history as a people. Attacks on Jews are in the news almost daily. People now seem to accept this as just another day. The only people who talk about it are other Jews. If I walked up to someone of another faith and shot them for no reason, I’d be in jail for the rest of my life. It would NOT be labeled as a hate crime. I have friends who have survived attacks that the police refused to label properly. For me, a hate crime is a hate crime. It isn’t about the color of your skin; it’s about right and wrong. Apparently some people don’t know the difference, and it is 2020. They should be ashamed, but they aren’t.
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The Holocaust was the ultimate hate crime (just like other forms of mass genocide). When we say, #NeverAgain, it’s because we mean it. Nothing silences the hatred targeting us quite like an armed Jew. Armed with knowledge, armed with intelligence, armed with self-defense tactics, armed with any number of things; weapons included. #JewsFightBack, and they also provide advanced technology (Look at the phone you are using. It’s Israeli technology.), advanced medicine, advanced medical treatment methods, actual cures, and their contributions to science, music, entertainment, health, and society at large is so much more. It is a legacy and a gift.

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So the next time you, regardless of faith, ask yourself about what you hear on the news or read in your paper, know that THIS Jewish woman has got your back. I do what I was raised to do; be a better person than I was yesterday. I’m color-blind until you give me reason not to be. I use my voice, because if ever there was a weapon, it’s the truth that comes out of my mouth. That will not stop.

If you read this until the end, my sincere thanks. 🙏 #NeverAgainStartsWithMe

copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino and Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Holding Pattern

Miss Poison Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , ,

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Almost two weeks ago, I fell. It was as if my right leg had been taken away for a minute or so. The aftermath left me wondering how bad my knee is, as well as my ankle and foot. I quietly reduced the ankle swelling, but I’ve also walked on broken bones in my foot and toes for months until the issue became something larger. If you were to look at x-rays of my feet, you would see healed fractures and probably some damage to repeatedly broken toes. They never heal perfectly, and I’ve smashed into two more times than I care to count. I no longer walk around barefoot. I’m lucky; they still look okay on the outside.

Last week, my doctor took me out of play. I was only allowed to be on my leg for important things, and not for long periods of time because I’m still limping. For me, the concern was that limping was putting undue pressure on my hip bones as I awkwardly toddled around. Painfully. He emailed me care instructions. Elevate. Ice. Heat, if need be, but mostly “Stay off of your leg as much as you can. Rest. Your body needs to heal. Your muscles need the break.” I was SO anxious and upset before calling, but his staff put me at ease and so did he.

Unfortunately, my body is taking a beating this month. There was a windstorm last Friday and as a result, the storm door blew out and when it blew back in, with me leaning down to grab a box at the door, it smashed into the top of my head. It was an insulting kind of whack. I’ve certainly experienced worse, but man, it was unkind.

This almost finished week had me stressed and unsettled. Monday I desperately needed more sleep than any individual should need. Tuesday I got a text at 6:30 in the morning and it was a person asking about my appointment. If I had slept another thirty minutes or so, I would not have made it to the scheduled appointment on time. I did, and because I had limped around over the weekend and helped bring groceries in up and down a flight of stairs, I found that my knee was sore, but I didn’t feel like it was broken, so I ran an errand because I had already found that I couldn’t get what I needed delivered. Trust me, if a company had been willing to send me same-day cat supplies (precisely in the order I need it in, which is slightly scrambled because I’ve got picky felines) and human food (I had a list on my phone and only returned with a few things. I just didn’t feel THAT great.), I would have stayed in my pajamas and waited for said deliveries. Alas, I paid for that move on Wednesday and Thursday when I wished I hadn’t fallen at all. I am not a good wounded person. I suppose no one is.

My ankle and foot, that spot where they meet? That’s where I did damage. I already knew it, because I can feel it, and my results after x-rays and a scan on Friday was tears to the Anterior and Posterior TaloFibular ligaments, as well as a third ligament tear. 🤦  I have a fracture in one toe. My knee has a tendon healing. I’m mostly grounded for the next 6-8 weeks (I was told I can walk around “gingerly” if no one can help me with things.) to make sure it’s all completely healed. They ordered a brace for my ankle, which is naturally on back order. 🙄 I’m disgusted. Especially since I have to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon. Even better, the radiology department called to let me know that they didn’t see it initially, but that I also have a hairline fracture to a bone in my foot. These people let me go home without a boot or a wrapped ankle. I asked and they stared at me like I was crazy. They did not ask if I was in pain or ask for my “pain number”, which is pretty standard procedure everywhere. I can walk in for a cold and will be asked about my pain level. I see my doctor in three weeks, but I’m afraid to even mention my pain because finding a good doctor is hard enough. No one should feel this way.

Worse, I am in this awkward holding pattern. I can *maybe* pick up groceries, but lifting them up a flight of stairs with my injuries was heavily discouraged. Mind you, they did not send over twelve guys to help with things I do during the course of a week. Laundry, cleaning the bathroom and bathtub, wiping the windows down with Windex (so my cats can drool on the picture window and make it look like I don’t clean it, EVER. Why are they drooling over birds and squirrels, anyway?!), vacuuming (which my cats screw up in fifteen minutes, so I end up frustrated when it looks like I didn’t do anything.), and other things no one even notices. I also changed my hair color this week, not a single person noticed. I mean, you can’t miss it. It’s a completely different shade of red. Whatever. <rolls eyes> I sometimes cook 4-6 nights a week, too. Again, they did not send assistance home with me, but I did leave with a worse cough, so there’s the gift that keeps on giving. #Cesspool

Yes, I have plenty of writing to do. Three manuscripts in progress. Twenty-six actual scripts to write for a new project I committed to. Plus, regular writing. However, that’s what I call shutting down into the abyss. It’s not completely healthy. A friend kindly pointed out that two months is a LONG time to heal. I said, “I’ll be productive with all the writing I have to do.” But the truth is; what if I’m not? Ugh. Doubt is a vicious creature. I’ll banish it on Tuesday. 😉

Hope you’ll all stick around with me.

XO,

lisa1

copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

   

Depression Truths

Image Miss Poison Depression, Images/Photos/Quotes , , , , , , , ,

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I shared this because someone triggered me this morning, and all I feel is anger towards their neglect of me as a human-being. Let me rephrase that. They do not have the decency to treat me like a human-being, and I will be gaslighted for saying so.

I was triggered via a threat. Growing up in an abusive home and experiencing threats non-stop (that was my life for over fifteen years), this person SHOULD know better than to say something in an “attack” manner, but they don’t care enough to say something kind and helpful because they want me to feel threatened. They want to diminish who and what I am.

My entire worth is summed up by what I do for them, and then I am told I am worthless when I can’t do it all. Let’s set aside the fact that I am waiting to see my doctor and have him order x-rays after I fell over the weekend. I’m struggling to move around, especially because my right leg took the brunt of the hit. It felt like my leg had disappeared, and down I went. I am lucky there was no damage to my hands or head, though my right wrist was tweaked quite a bit. My knee, ankle, and foot feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat. I have a deep bone bruise in my knee. I can feel it. My ankle pain is maddening, and I’ve been treating the swelling. Being injured gives me time to think and I am overwhelmed with emotion at the moment.

I was born with the genetic predisposition for suicidal depression. My paternal Grandmother’s side of the family was rife with mental health issues, and I’m angry and annoyed that it skipped two generations and landed on me. My father’s niece and nephews are too stupid to grasp the concept of mental health, and they’re much older than my brother and I. There was a huge age difference between my father and his brother. My Grandmother thought she was going through menopause before a doctor told her that, no, she was actually pregnant with my father. “He wasn’t supposed to be here.”, that’s what she told my mother! Alas, I digress.

If you’re going to treat me like some imperfect, disgusting creature and never take the time to sit down with me and make a plan for how to best achieve something, I am always going to be triggered by the behavior. In turn, I am going to confront this head-on. I cannot spend hours feeling like this any more. It’s my time to rise and to shine, and I am not permitting myself to be brought down.

You can achieve a lot more with honey than you can with vinegar.

 

 

 

Getting Honest

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I was talking to my brother recently and, on occasion, he’ll say something completely on point to my internal dialogue. He doesn’t know he’s saying something that will spark a reaction from me, but that’s okay. His head is big enough. 😉

Whenever I talk to someone who genuinely knows me and knows my heart, they are the first people to read this title and say, “How much more honest can you get? Have you MET yourself?” This title isn’t about dishonesty or coming clean, though. It’s about getting honest about goals. I can only speak for mine.

The words, “Oh, you have a blog.” are particularly demeaning to someone who is an experienced writer who uses this as a platform. I didn’t create it for any other reason. Its sole purpose; a writers platform. I’m the writer. That’s pretty transparent from where I’m sitting.

I, personally, only use the word blog to describe my beauty blog or anything that feels more like a blog, as opposed to a singular voice. That’s not an insult. I’m friends with some incredibly lovely bloggers who are kind, caring, creative introverts, much like me, except I’d never use the words “kind” or “caring” to describe myself. Ever. I’m the evil fairy on your shoulder; not the angel.

There are likely billions of blogs on the Internet. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration; I’ve never looked at statistics. Everyone wants to stand out. Some people go to great lengths to make themselves seen and “heard”. Many make the move to YouTube.

Initially, that was the plan. I had EVERY intention of taking Shadows & Highlight, my beauty blog, to YouTube. I started filming last Spring and only shared the videos with my best friend. I filmed, didn’t edit because I couldn’t figure it out with my phone and because I speak the way I write, which leaves editing a question mark as opposed to a necessity. I would listen first and then share.

My take away from the experience is that I hate the camera. It’s extremely odd to see your face in a manner that is foreign to your own eyes. It’s awkward; kind of like EVERY bathroom selfie I see posted across the Internet, and it’s uncomfortable. It’s NOT who I am and it’s definitely NOT what I actually look like. Anyone can show you makeup and explain how to use this or that. It’s all been done. I want a broader audience. I want depth.

Ultimately, THAT is who I am. I’m the girl who’ll dig deep if I care enough to help you, or hide a body. Just because I wear makeup doesn’t mean it’s all I want to talk about or show people. Over the past year, I have found myself less and less interested in moving forward with it. I’ve been far less interested in makeup, too, often forgoing it entirely, which isn’t a strong indicator that this is something I remain passionate about. And so, as I listened to each video, I realized my voice is always going to be my strongest gift.

I deleted every video where I had to watch myself speak and realized that it truly is awkward as fuck, and not something I plan on getting used to. Because it’s something I do not feel I can get past. I’m my own harshest critic. For the record, there’s nothing wrong with my face, but leave it to me to find small things that I suddenly want fixed yesterday. It’s sad, because in this heavily edited “Instagram perfection” and obsessive use of filters, Photoshop, and Facetune culture that we see every day, rarely do people point out their own facial or physical flaws. I am the first person to tell you that I have two completely different eye shapes, which I expertly correct with makeup. And yet, when I look in the mirror I see one that is more uptilted and the other is more round. I will even argue which is which, at times. If I didn’t point it out, no one would ever see it. I pointed it out to someone early last year, long before I started filming, and even behind the makeup, they were like, “If you hadn’t pointed it out, I never would have noticed it.” Only recently did I notice my brother has it, as well. How weird that I’ve had it from about age 3-5 and he’s developing it as an adult. I don’t pretend to understand such things. Genetics isn’t my line of work.

I’ve been using my voice for a long time in different ways. I have always had specific goals in mind, and I’ve earned my various platforms. Nothing was handed to me. I’ve never made an ass out of myself or tried to be a different person. The second you try to be fake, your readers, as an audience, will figure it out at some point. Buying subscribers and followers is NOT who I am. I’ve watched people do it, but they aren’t fooling me. That which is natural and authentic has a good feeling to it, and that which is “trying too hard”, I pick up on immediately. I can tell when things aren’t kosher, for lack of a better word.

I’ve set specific goals for this year and will be sharing updates as things come to fruition. There is a plan in place. I want to keep this close to the vest because imitation doesn’t flatter me. I want to bring this to you in an organic manner, and I don’t want to force it down your throat. I want people to be interested because they’ve been on this journey with me, and for no other reason.

I don’t worry about being liked. That is something you need to leave in junior high, where it belongs. If you can’t, I strongly suggest speaking with a qualified therapist. We all have issues and drama in our lives and, sometimes, in our families, but when you can leave that at the door and not take it with you everywhere; that’s when you start getting honest with yourself.

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It’s important to me to remember precisely who I am and what I bring to the table. It is important to me to work from a place of strength. Dealing with abuse for the majority of my life; I am constantly criticized and picked apart, and often told I am worthless. The words are vicious, ugly, hateful… Until you realize they stem from another person’s issues and you do NOT have to hold on to the ugly, hateful, bitter rhetoric others might spew in your direction. In fact, you can walk away from it completely. I have been doing this for over seven years (walking away) because if I engage with low level bullshit, I will rack up a staggering body count. People often think I’m a nice, sweet person, but I’ve never owned niceness or sweetness. I have, however, owned the fact that I don’t care that deeply about another person’s life if they’re mistreating me. As a friend often tells me, “Yes, you can be harsh, but you are also supremely FAIR in dealing with others.” These are facts. It’s the people who know me best who help keep me grounded in reality, as opposed to allowing me to believe that I’m worthless when I am anything but.

Unfortunately, true friends are few and far between. I am reminded of this whenever I talk to my best friends. They’ve known me for such a long time and I’ve grown, but I haven’t changed. They always remind me of these facts. Even my brother often reminds me of just how far I have come on a personal and spiritual level. But I don’t absorb these things and allow them to make me egotistical. I keep them in the back of my mind and allow them to fuel me and help me heal when things bring me down.

Inevitably, not every day of your life is going to be happy and perfect. We all have bad days. I’m insanely honest about mine. Are you?

Will this year be the one where you get honest and realistic with yourself and your goals? I am taking baby steps. I’m stepping into a new comfort zone for overall betterment. I look forward to the new, better chapter because the last one is boring me to death. As it turns out, I can grow and still remain true to who I am, without sacrificing my soul in the process.

Recently I expressed how sick and exhausted I have been. A friend said to me, “Let us know when the Phoenix rises.” How perfectly apropos.

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copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

 

Another Massacre

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I lack the ability to be, “nice” to idiots when it pertains to terror attacks on pretty much anyone, but especially within the Jewish community. If you’re not angry today, you are part of the problem and not party to a solution.

When people tell me they’re scared, but aren’t in the position to be a target since they aren’t advertising their faith, I offer suggestions. Too often these are ignored, until it’s too late.

Right now, I need space. The place for change is not Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Yes, it’s important to take a stand, and you all know I use my voice on EVERY platform I have, but I’m ONE PERSON. One person with a strong voice, but that might not keep people safe.

A relative was afraid I’d draw too much attention to myself  because I’m volatile in my ability to be outspoken. Too much attention? In a small town, where you’d be hard pressed to find a vocal Jewish woman? 🙄 If someone is going to target me, they just will. They will be ill-prepared; I will not be. That’s why you get honest and get smart.

My concern is for the entire community within the United States. I can’t fix this country, but I CAN vote appropriately. Hopefully you will, too. Be aware that there are people who’ll say and do anything in order to win in 2020 (and during EVERY election), but those same people will turn on you if you no longer serve their needs. Pay attention to EVERYTHING and everyone. I have family in office. They are calling for the opposite of what I believe in, so they’re lucky I’m not eligible to vote against their victimization. I would definitely be up their ass about it publicly.

Regardless of faith, people need to come together. I’m color blind until I see hatred in one form, and then it’s a case-by-case basis. I won’t let evil people turn me into a racist, and neither should you.

Hug your loved ones tight, tonight. Send love far and wide. Do your best. 🙏 Tomorrow is another day. Let’s pray for a safe one.

copyright © 2019 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Happy Thanksgiving 2019

Miss Poison Thanksgiving , , , , , , , ,

 

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Wishing every one of you the start of a lovely holiday season. 😁

Thanksgiving is EXTREMELY controversial, for obvious reasons, but I remember family gatherings and I’m missing a LOT of people today. Thankfully, I woke up to messages from my brother and my best friend, who is the sister I always asked for. 🙏

I’m staying put because I was diagnosed with bronchitis and pneumonia on Tuesday. I’ve been sick for three months straight, complete with a vicious cough, and each doctor ignored my symptoms. Each one decided something different. This time, it was a nurse practitioner who listened to my lower right lung where the issue is. She said it’s entirely possible that the flu morphed slowly into a bacterial infection, but instead of giving me something for this insane cough, she simply prescribed an inhaler and antibiotics. She believes a chest x-ray will give me cancer, so I will NOT be seeing her again. It’s two minutes, not a trip through Chernobyl. 🙄

I hate being sick and left out, but I don’t want anyone getting sick because of me  so I’ll just simmer in my stressful misery. 😒

However you spend today, please be safe and responsible.

Much love to you all,

li

A Changed Woman

Miss Poison Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , ,

I’ve been writing almost as long as I’ve been alive. I certainly recall times when being on the computer was not my first thought each day, but these past few months have taught me to back off. They’ve taught me patience, which is not an exact science (I’m still extremely impatient with myself, and with others.), and they’ve given me breathing room. A technological vacation, as it were.

My first thought each morning now is not to jump on the computer, or even to turn my phone on immediately. It’s to see what time it is, and not rush into the mind of a working writer. I knew there was a lesson to be learned. On days when I was frustrated and wanted to jump into writing, I allowed my mind to absorb the scenes I wanted to write. Sometimes I took pen to paper and wrote new things. Especially scenes I knew would be important for various projects. Inspiration is inspiration, and you never know when it’s going to hit you. I know it will make for richer story telling. Less filler; more depth.

I have read a LOT over these many months and I’ve had better focus and less force. I’m not stress-forcing my reading, “just to get it done” (I’m guilty of doing this with brand new novels.). I’m fully immersed in each story, now. If you haven’t read Blake Pierce’s work (They’re psychological thrillers/mysteries), I highly recommend it. They were books I could NOT stop reading. I still have 4-5 more to go. Good stuff. No one loves psychology more than I do and I’ve always respected a good psychological thriller. Each one reminds me why the movie, “The Cell”, is still a disturbingly fascinating tale to watch.

Reading a part of my beautiful manuscript last week was like coming home. I became deeply immersed in the story, to the point where I wasn’t looking for errors, issues, or plot holes. I was connecting to the story in a way I might not have if I’d kept writing over the summer. It’s important to see the gift within the chaos. Stepping away was actually healthy for me in a myriad of ways.

Watching myself NOT grab my laptop each morning within twenty minutes of waking up is the new normal. It’s smart and healthy, so now, I feel my time here will be more constructive overall.

I’ll be redesigning as I move forward and bringing a lot of new things on slowly. Each change will involve a formal announcement at least twenty-four hours ahead of time. Some things may come faster than I anticipate, but for now, I’m going to maintain the status quo.

I received a software delivery last week, so I’m able to fully focus on my works-in-progress. I love the new version, but am still trying to work my way through it since I’ve forgotten some of the more in-depth things I can do with it. It won’t take me long to adjust though, because I have used the same software consistently.

I’ve opened up my editing schedule for the last two weeks of January until the end of April, so if you’re looking for an editor, please message me for a contract and payment plan. If you’re looking for an editor with a graphic designer, I will cheerfully pass along your design business to a friend. She’s insanely talented.

After the holidays, I will have my files transferred. I’d rather get this back in two days, as opposed to “We’re really busy…”, which can turn into weeks. What I’m having done is simple, and will likely only take a few hours, but I am okay waiting because I have so much to focus on, for now. More than I can think about, really.

There’s likely more in my head than I can type for now, but simple gets the job done, too. Stay warm and keep cool, as we aren’t all in the same season or hemisphere.

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copyright © 2019 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

One (A-Deen)

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один (1).

“Overwhelmed. Disappointed. Hurt. Sadness. Grieving. Struggling. Stabbed in the back. Empty. Trapped. Darkness. Silence. Isolation, but I’m not lost. Beauty in chaos. Trying to find a way back to myself. Living in truth. Attempting to heal. Gunpowder and lead. Through authenticity; anything is possible. And yet, very few people understand that you can want MORE, without being greedy; without ego. Your idea of “more” isn’t their idea, and that’s fine. No one asked for their interpretation. Hell, no one asked for their opinion!

Universe, LET’S DO THIS.”

© 2019 by Lisa Marino and Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.