Kicked In The Heart

As you evolve, you learn things about yourself. It’s important to me to always be evolving, to always have goals, dreams, and to keep achieving. One of the most crucial things I learned, many years ago, was to eliminate jealousy completely.

I’m a Scorpio, and we’re known for being jealous individuals when it comes to our relationships. A great deal of this is mythology. Let me be clear when I say we’re not all like that, but for a few years, I was. I eliminated it by being in a toxic relationship, sadly enough. I’ve written about this relationship and how important it was to get out of it. To this day, I am still grateful that someone else came along (for him) and interrupted my cycle of suffering. On occasion, I still pray for her because she ended up forever tied to the jackass. I cut all ties and I don’t look back.

When a person is supposed to love you, they shouldn’t turn around and use other women to make you jealous, uncomfortable, or angry. The same is true if a woman is doing it with other men. It’s not acceptable to try to harm the person/people you’re in a relationship with by using others to get a rise out of them or emotionally harm them. That’s not the behavior of someone you can have any kind of healthy relationship with. A truly loyal person would never do that to you, or disrespect others by involving them.

I no longer feel jealousy when something of that nature arises. In fact, I feel indifferent. I immediately shut down and it’s amazing how quickly love shuts off. I have a built-in mechanism which shuts down so quickly, it should scare me, but it doesn’t. It helps me eliminate being embarrassed publicly by someone. It’s a complete and total shut down in terms of respect, love, and caring about the other person. It may seem harsh and it may seem cold, but it is necessary. All of us have a mechanism we may or may not be aware of which shields us from the deepest levels of emotional harm. Especially if, like me, you have lived through so much trauma, you often question your own survival.

A reaction very similar to what I’ve described happened to me this past week. Instead of investigating more deeply or reacting in an emotional manner, I immediately shut down. My exact reaction was, “Fuck this. I don’t need the drama. I can do better, and I will.” When you love someone and they hurt you in a way you know you can’t forgive, that’s probably the correct response to have. It’s a response that takes toxicity out of the equation and moves you straight into the healing process. There’s nothing to grieve.

I am not sitting and listening to sad songs. I am not dwelling. I’m not feeling anything, actually. I’m in an erasure method. I never realized how quickly I can delete someone from my life when they hurt me. Anyone with a trauma history likely has similar coping mechanisms, or different ones. Done truly means DONE for me.

Sadly, I give certain friendships more chances than I am giving this particular issue. I won’t even refer to it as a relationship because it’s done. Acknowledging it as more means I have hope. I don’t.

And so, I’m taking some time to heal and move forward. I’ve got much bigger fish to fry. Sometimes I need to burn the past, however little or much, and journey on. For me, this is the core of real strength.

copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Depression Truths

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I shared this because someone triggered me this morning, and all I feel is anger towards their neglect of me as a human-being. Let me rephrase that. They do not have the decency to treat me like a human-being, and I will be gaslighted for saying so.

I was triggered via a threat. Growing up in an abusive home and experiencing threats non-stop (that was my life for over fifteen years), this person SHOULD know better than to say something in an “attack” manner, but they don’t care enough to say something kind and helpful because they want me to feel threatened. They want to diminish who and what I am.

My entire worth is summed up by what I do for them, and then I am told I am worthless when I can’t do it all. Let’s set aside the fact that I am waiting to see my doctor and have him order x-rays after I fell over the weekend. I’m struggling to move around, especially because my right leg took the brunt of the hit. It felt like my leg had disappeared, and down I went. I am lucky there was no damage to my hands or head, though my right wrist was tweaked quite a bit. My knee, ankle, and foot feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat. I have a deep bone bruise in my knee. I can feel it. My ankle pain is maddening, and I’ve been treating the swelling. Being injured gives me time to think and I am overwhelmed with emotion at the moment.

I was born with the genetic predisposition for suicidal depression. My paternal Grandmother’s side of the family was rife with mental health issues, and I’m angry and annoyed that it skipped two generations and landed on me. My father’s niece and nephews are too stupid to grasp the concept of mental health, and they’re much older than my brother and I. There was a huge age difference between my father and his brother. My Grandmother thought she was going through menopause before a doctor told her that, no, she was actually pregnant with my father. “He wasn’t supposed to be here.”, that’s what she told my mother! Alas, I digress.

If you’re going to treat me like some imperfect, disgusting creature and never take the time to sit down with me and make a plan for how to best achieve something, I am always going to be triggered by the behavior. In turn, I am going to confront this head-on. I cannot spend hours feeling like this any more. It’s my time to rise and to shine, and I am not permitting myself to be brought down.

You can achieve a lot more with honey than you can with vinegar.