My ancestors didn’t come to this country until the late 1800’s or 1920ish, if not later than that.
Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the United States. There is much history behind this holiday (I currently live in Massachusetts and you can’t escape people talking about spending the holiday in Plymouth. I’ve never spent Thanksgiving at a restaurant; I’ve always participated among family, cooked it myself, etc.), but for me, especially this year, this is the first Thanksgiving where I’ll be completely without my brother.
He was just released from the hospital once again. He’s SO sick, and while I am thankful and grateful that he is alive, I am exceptionally upset that he isn’t in a good situation and is so far away. It makes me ill. The fact that the medicine he needs for his heart and lungs is more expensive than I can handle is also too much for me emotionally. I want to help him, to fix the situation and the problems, but I can’t fix every problem he presents me with. It kills me. You are only given so many people in a life and I have been given one living brother. Not helping when he asks (or doesn’t ask) is to be a lower life form. I can’t be like that. I stand up as much as humanly possible.
I have much to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for what little in my life is mine. I’m grateful for the roof over my head, clothes, food, Cat and Kitten, my friends, and family. However, I’m also pissed off.
This has been an extremely painful year for me. I don’t know when it gets easier, or if it ever does, but I hope and pray that the coming year (and years) won’t wreck me like the previous dozen, or so, have. I’m a human-being, I’m imperfect, my feelings are real, and valid, and in 2017, I’d like to break out of this horrible shell I am in and be reborn in some way.
For the past six months or so, I’ve been experiencing bouts of Fibro Fog that are terrifying. I’ve done so many bizarre things that I’d never normally do if I was at 100% capacity (like trying to put black pepper in the freezer). For over seven months, I’ve been experiencing blackouts where I cannot account for my time. I’m not passing out and waking up on the side of the road or anything, and I’m lucky that they are no longer happening daily, but there are far too many days where I look at the clock and it’s 9:00 a.m. and the next thing I know, it’s 4:00 PM and I couldn’t tell you where my day went if you paid me a million dollars. These are not normal things for anyone, leave alone me. I stopped talking about these episodes with friends and family because no one seemed that interested or concerned, but I’m walking around on auto-pilot and I have no idea how I get from point A to point B most days. It’s scary and it’s completely unlike me.
This year, Thanksgiving will lack all forms of tradition. The only “tradition” I’ll be bringing to the table is a 40+ year old recipe for stuffing. In my entire life, I’ve only eaten one other type of stuffing and it paled in comparison to my Mom’s. However, to highlight my Fibro Fog I have to say I’m embarrassed and mortified that I remembered all of the ingredients for the stuffing, but once I hit store #3 on Sunday, I realized I never purchased the actual stuffing, herbs, or a turkey pan for it. I tend to make stuffing the night before, that way it’s perfect Thanksgiving Day (and only takes a little while to heat up). It also helps me pace myself because making it involves a lot of vegetable chopping and ingredient play. However, I am happy to make it and enjoy that piece of my Mom that she passed on to me; the ability to cook and cook well (In fairness, I did inherit other things from her, for which I am also eternally grateful.).
So yeah, lots of sadness at the moment. I’m praying I will somehow be able to come through for my brother, and as it has been nearly a year since I’ve seen him (Unheard of!), I am hoping & praying I will be able to see him next month. I have learned this year that the person who knows me best is my brother (only regarding certain things, not all things). Part of me finds that exceptionally sad, and the other part thinks it’s extremely fitting.
Wishing everyone, in advance, a wonderful start to the holiday season. You don’t have to be American to appreciate that sentiment.
I’ve felt the need to be silent this past two weeks. There are millions of thoughts in my head, things I’ve love to put into a cohesive pattern, but I honestly cannot bring myself to do so. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally too drained. I am sure many people feel the same way.
I will put everyone at ease; I don’t want to discuss politics. I hate every single election year. I’m sick of hearing a multitude of opinions on the radio, reading them online where horrific fights have broken out and people have ended friendships over differing opinions (or where families are fighting over who voted for this one or that one), hearing about it on TV, etc. I’m upset that children are terrified and scared about what all of this means for them, and that families feel as they do. I don’t care who anyone voted for, because that’s truly none of my business. I realize that roughly 46% of Americans may not have voted in this election. To each their own. It’s your right, your choice. I’m not going to judge it/you or discuss it. I’ve genuinely had enough of the subject. I’d like to be woken in four years. Subject closed.
I’m sitting here functioning on some bizarre form of auto-pilot. It even took me on a four mile walk today. I truly have no idea how I got home!
Currently, my focus is on my health. I’m rarely afraid for myself, but something horrible is happening and there is seemingly no way for me to save myself this time. I’ve spent days crying and breaking down, and no one has noticed or said a word to me. It truly makes me feel invisible. Sometimes people get upset when they hear me say I’m “useless”, “worthless”, “invisible”, “barely existing”, and/or “a failure”. They don’t ask why I feel that way, they simply tell me I’m none of those things. They don’t get it, and that hurts.
I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this sort of thing honestly and openly. Very few people want to hear what I have to say, and on the off-chance they do; they cannot relate to this level of anguish. I’m not very trusting, so I wouldn’t go to just anyone with my problems, either. People are extremely happy for me to listen to them, but it’s so rare to be listened to in kind. My own brother told me to “stop talking” earlier this week, because he couldn’t process what I was saying. That or he doesn’t believe me; I’m not entirely sure which it is. Clearly, we are ALL fighting our own battles. Some are worse than others. Compared to a lot of things I hear; my life isn’t that difficult. Many people have it far worse than I do. But my emotions? They’re so violently painful that there’s no way to wrap your head around that much hurt. It’s killing me silently, and no one sees it.
My stomach has been horribly painful for about a week now. I thought some tea would help a few days ago, but because I’m so wrapped up in the pain, I probably should not have been grating ginger. I nearly took a finger with me. 😦
When I feel like this I am often accused of “hiding”. What people don’t seem to realize is; I am so filled with pain that it’s for their protection, as well as mine. Instead of accusing someone who is hurting of “hiding”, I would think the healthier alternative would be to encourage them to be around people, or to at least not be locked up in a room as if they’re in a jail cell. 😦
Where the fuck do you meet “new people”?! A close friend and I have been debating this over and over because we’re both utterly clueless regarding this matter. We both agree that we like and prefer depth, not superficial bullshit, and drama-free individuals to spend our time with is a must; because neither of us has time for drama. It’s incredibly difficult to find people who are on the same wavelength as I am. Almost all of my close friends/best friends are people I met because of my work/writing. Every single one of them lives far away. I’ve been incredibly blessed to make life-long friends simply by doing whatever my job is at the time, and finding people through my work who respect and appreciate my ability to be real, without apology.
Genuine friendship is rare. Being able to trust another person is crucial. In the beginning of any friendship, trust is built. However, I’m starting to realize I have immense trust issues because I’ve been hurt & betrayed in the past. I try hard not to look at new people as potential betrayers. I’m simply hyper-aware of them. The one person I met this year that I instantly disliked ended up hurting someone I care about. The other person may eventually forgive, forget, and move forward, but I feel as though listening to my intuition is one of the most important things I can do in all situations. No matter how wonderful and fabulous someone is telling you another person is, take a thirty-second pause to really look at them and allow yourself to sense the truth. You’d be amazed at how important those thirty seconds are.
I’d rather have five solid friends than a dozen tarnished pennies. So, while not a social butterfly, I am 100% ride or die for my friends. However, when they made me they broke the mold. Rumor has it they also beat the hell out of the mold-maker, so don’t expect every person to be a dazzling creature such as myself. 😉 Use your intuition. I find it helps keep the nausea at bay.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I’ll be back soon.
A SuperMoon not only affects nature, such as the tides and wildlife, it also affects us. Our emotions will be heightened, our senses will be sharp, things that were hidden or in the shadows can now be seen.
The November Full Moon is also known as the Full Frost Moon, so-called because the frost and ice will start to set in as the earth grows colder. Animals will start to hibernate for the winter months, the last leaves will fall from the trees, and the land will become barren.
The Moon is rising in the sign of Taurus. We are amidst some strong planetary alignments that are heralding a need for great change and revolution both inside and out. Our attitude is of utmost importance during this time and can empower us and see us through whatever we are facing. Gratitude for what we have and a willingness to move with the energy that is calling us is required now.
This particular Full Moon will not be boring and will have an unpredictable vibe along with it. The places we have been feeling stuck in our lives may suddenly begin to move or shift. If emotions are clogged, they may surface and flow; let them, don’t hold anything in, let your emotions out. Be aware of dualistic thoughts, emotions and behaviors, as this may be generating a lot of mental stress and tension, plus sending out mixed signals to others and the Universe. Try to stay grounded and find balance. Finances are illuminated on this Full Moon, to watch what we are spending and to improve or bring in any extra income we can.
Tonight’s Full Moon brings change. We are coming to the end of the year, with Yule and the New Year fast approaching, we must become empowered to make the changes necessary to shift our situation. It is up to us, the time is now. We must let go and surrender to the deeper current that is transforming us. You are the master of your destiny. Take your power back from society and other people. Learn from your past mistakes. Vow to do better next year. Make a commitment to your success. Be adaptable. Make friends with change. It is not the enemy. Change is your friend. Change sheds the old and gives birth to the new.
This Full Moon is about communication, higher learning, and our sense of creativity and adventure. Something has been building inside of us and now is the time when the energy of the cosmos demands that we let it out. We are magnets to our desire now. We have the power to attract what we want toward us. Taurus is the sign of strength and truth; this will give us a boost in mind power, as we will be able to see things more clearly. We will see our own truths and a fog will be lifted that can show us a path that can lead us into improving ourselves both spiritually and mentally.
This Full Moon look into yourself and ask yourself what you need to move forward. Ask yourself how you are going to achieve this and ask yourself if you feel that you are strong enough to do this. If you feel that you are not strong enough, use the energy of this Full Moon to heal and gain strength. Ask the Goddess for guidance and to lead the way to a more positive, happier life.
Tonight is a good time to determine what you value and what you stand for, what you want to create in your life and carry forth into the next cycle of your evolution.
Have a blessed Full Moon. May the Goddess watch over you.
An Open Letter To The “Person” Who Hurt My Brother
Let’s pretend, for a second, that I don’t know who you are. I’d simply hunt you down slowly and throw you to a pack of wolves. I wouldn’t shed a tear. My tolerance level for such behavior is nil.
However, I know precisely who you are, which makes this ten times worse than if you’d been a mere stranger. This information is dangerous because, in doing what you did, you pissed off the wrong person. Moreover, you left evidence of your “attack”. It wasn’t an attack in the physical sense; or you’d be dead. No, your attack was low, cheap, deplorable, offensive, and you’re incredibly lucky I haven’t ripped you to shreds and fed you to wild pigs. You fed someone lies in an effort to hurt them. It was not “tough love”; it was pure, unadulterated viciousness and hatred. I know you think you’ve gotten away with it, but you haven’t. Knowledge is power. Nothing will ever protect you in this life again. I work best when I’m angry.
My brother is 100% my blood. He is one of few people in this life that I would kill for. The remainder of the list is shorter than an ant hill in winter, and getting shorter each day. I think some people mistake passion and/or rage for love. They’d be wrong. If I don’t love you, you do not benefit from my loyalty and fierceness.
Like most girls, I didn’t want a baby brother. I genuinely wanted a sister, but G-d gives you what He gives you. You learn to deal with such things as you grow up. I’ve been there for my brother since before he came into this world. I was there when we brought him home from the hospital. I vividly remember the first time I saw him. He was quiet; looking directly at me as if he knew who I was; with wide, searching eyes. From day one, I was his protector. He would cry hysterically if I was out of his sight for a minute, and he always wanted to follow me everywhere. He was obsessed with his older sister. Thankfully, he outgrew that, but still, a person remembers.
No matter how mad I get at him, a siblings’ prerogative, I will always have his back. Not to stab him in it, but to shield him from as much as humanly possible. Not because he needs the protection, but because it’s what a good sibling does. Take notes.
Just because you lack quality communication skills does not give you the right to take shit out on my brother. If you want to be ugly, take it out on someone else. Go see a fucking therapist or a psychiatrist for much-needed medication, but don’t attack a person for existing and being human. Don’t swipe claws at someone unless you’re prepared to be attacked in kind by someone far more lethal. Sadly, my brother is too good a person to confront you. He’d rather pray for you and hope that you develop a heart. I have no such issues.
There are maybe a handful of people I will go to bat for in life, and my brother is one of them. You hurt him and even if it takes me five years or ten, I will figure out precisely what it is that will bother you the most. Hell hath NO FURY like me when angered to this level. I wasn’t raised to eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork, and I will not allow him to believe lies about himself, or lies fed to him about me. Something you do not seem to understand is that he knows me and I know him. You can’t feed people lies about each other when they know the absolute truth.
One aspect of being bonded, close siblings is that my brother talks to me. If someone says something to him he will say “Hey, let me tell you about this and get your take on it.” But this time, the issue at hand was taken way too far. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this, and to feel such hatred from someone he’s never harmed. If you want to pick on someone, pick on someone your own size. In fact, attack the person staring back at you in the mirror, because after all, that’s who you’re really mad at, not him.
If you love someone, love them wholeheartedly. Love them unconditionally. Love them while you’re still alive. “Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes.” You can bandage certain wounds, but not caring and letting a person know how much you don’t care? Not everyone recovers from that. You cannot fix wounds that deep. Unlike him, I won’t pray for you. I’m not that kind.
I cannot unlearn what I’ve learned. It is one of the most astounding things, and yet, I’m not surprised. The fact that I have managed to restrain myself this long speaks VOLUMES for how well I have learned to manage my temper. Ten years ago, you would still be explaining to people why you got beaten with your own arm; after I ripped it out of its socket and broke your face with it. Some people talk tough, but I have the capacity to do what I say I will do. My temper is infamous. People do not expect it. They see a petite (read: short) woman. They smile, I smile, but they have no idea what lurks beneath the pretty exterior if you piss me off or hurt someone I love. I am a protector, but I won’t be fooled.
Not to get it confused or twisted; I yell at my brother a lot. We get into very heated arguments because he pushes my buttons and keeps pushing until I lose my temper. However, when I tell him the truth about something, it isn’t to be mean and hurtful, it’s because I’m that direct. He doesn’t take it personally because honesty from me is acceptable, but someone else being cruel to him for the sheer satisfaction of being cruel? NO. That’s unacceptable, and he knows I will inevitably say or do something to put a stop to it. I didn’t major in drama because I lack the ability to be fake. But some people behave like insane sociopaths, and it makes me question their many faces.
I refuse to make excuses for your behavior from here on out. I refuse to say kind things or to temper things gently. From here on in, I am going to be the biggest, most vicious pain in your ass. I’d start investing in hemorrhoid cream now.
If you cannot be a solid person, at least have the decency to tell someone honestly, instead of hanging up on their phone calls and ignoring them for months at a time. If you pulled that crap with me, you’d come to find that he’s the nice sibling. Me? I enjoy being bad cop, even though I’d be an amazing one.
Knock off the drama or deal with me. The choice, ultimately, is yours. Do what you can live with. You’re closer to leaving this world than I am.
I’ve never been happier to say goodbye to a month. 😦 The month I most look forward to every year, October, has been bitter, painful, and full of things I do not want to take into the coming month, or any month in the future, for that matter. I feel like a snake, preparing to shed its skin. I NEVER want to feel the things I have had to feel this month.
I want to persevere in November. I want to pretend the birthday from hell never happened, despite the daily reminders of how demeaning and insulting it was. An epic slap in my face from pretty much every side you can think of (I refuse to celebrate from here on in, unless it’s by myself. People SUCK.). I want to remember who my real friends are. I want to be constantly reminded who my real family is, as opposed to those who simply get the label via birth.
Ultimately, I want to survive this month. I want to successfully achieve the goals on my list, one of which feels absolutely impossible. The last time I felt that way, I nailed it and was able to breathe again. All I want to do is achieve the impossible and breathe. I need to make it to 2017 in one piece.
I also apologize for all delays, as I burned out my laptop battery earlier this month and, to add insult to injury, fried the adapter. Say a little prayer for my laptop, ’cause I’m praying HARD for it.
Survival and deep breaths. Seems simple, but it’s not.
P.S. And despite all threats, I did not give Cat away to a nice family tonight. She’s been taking care of her poor, sick Mommy when she’s not aggressively attacking her sister. Kitten is right by my side, as always. 🙂 I shall spend tomorrow squeezing them silly!
Tonight is a New Moon in the sign of Scorpio. It is time to shed our old skin, release what is dying, and let go of what is not working for us.
Scorpio is about death and rebirth. This is a cycle of completions and new beginnings. We are being called upon to trust our deepest instincts and follow where they are taking us.
This New Moon is all about change. Just like a scorpion shedding its skin, we will feel the need to get rid of any negative attachments holding us down and stopping us from moving forward. This moon is about sweeping your life clean of clutter. Our belief systems can crumble. Routines and relationships may breakdown. Structures that you have built up are challenged. Things that you may have thought were reliable and dependable can come to an end. In turn, new doors open and new chapters begin, ushering in a new phase of your life.
Create the space for positive energy to enter. What is not working this New Moon will be highlighted. You will see new pathways and options opening. You can become who you truly want to be, rather than who you think you are supposed to be; this is the true meaning of transformation. Don’t be afraid to look deep into yourself and ask serious questions, explore both your dark and light side. As we embrace our own darkness, we become whole. We are all made of dark and light. The trick is not to let one take over the other, to embrace them both equally, as both are important. Without darkness there is no light, without light there is no darkness. We acknowledge the truth of who we are, which will help us see the truth of others.
Scorpio’s strength is that it isn’t afraid of the dark and so when the Moon is in Scorpio, it is a perfect time to look at our shadows and see what we’ve been in fear of, what we have been suppressing and repressing, and then dealing with it. When we face our inner demons and fears they aren’t as scary as we once thought they were. Scorpio hones in on seeing the truth and if we can be truthful with ourselves, we will have a great opportunity to complete some aspect of our lives and begin a new phase.
Let us use these rare insights the Scorpio New Moon will bring to fuel our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, to allow us to see the big picture of what is occurring in our lives, so that we can easily navigate the changing tides. Scorpio holds the power of the water element, this will have our emotions on high alert. Let your raw emotions come to the surface, this will allow you to heal both mentally and physically.
Things are shifting now. Let’s move in a new and positive direction. The future is knocking at your door and is ready to take you on a new and exciting journey, if you let it.
The New Moon in Scorpio is sure to leave its extreme emotional mark upon us. It almost dares each of us to go into the unknown and expose new parts of the self which are waiting in the wings to be discovered. Let the waters of Scorpio wash over you, cleanse, and heal you. Get to know yourself again and figure out what you really want.
Have a blessed New Moon, and may the Goddess watch over you.
Fall is coming in brisk and cold here in New England. My phone says it is currently 36 degrees with a wind chill of 27. I can feel nothing but cold from my neck into my toes. In a few days, it’ll warm up again. While typical, it’s also a way too brisk for my liking.
Due to a severe drought, many of the trees are either still green or have absolutely no leaves whatsoever. Saturday nights’ heavy wind really swept through and took the colorful leaves with it. I was lucky enough to capture a few that turned beautiful shades of Fall; my favorite time of year.
Other than being cold and waking up sick this morning, not much is going on. I am trying to psych myself up for the day and a long walk, that will hopefully not freeze me to death/kill me, but will allow me to clear my mind and prepare for the year ahead.
Kitten is sleeping to my left, counting down the seconds until it’s time for breakfast. She tried getting me to feed her an hour ago. I don’t know whether to be concerned or mortified by her voracious appetite. Cat, on the other hand, has become Madame Finicky. There is a LOT of cattitude in this house. I keep telling them I will give them out with the Halloween candy. I’m terrible, I know. 😉
The maple is the only one that’s turned so far. Unfortunately, a day later 3/4’s of the leaves were gone. 😦
I’ve found the colors awe-inspiring, as I draw creative inspiration from color on a whole. There have been gorgeous blue skies and there have also been plenty of grey, cloudy, heavily rainy days. It’s always better to get rain than it is to get snow.
Japanese Maple across the street. Without the sunlight, the leaves are dark purple. This is one of my favorite trees because the leaves are stunning. It was my favorite tree back in Pennsylvania, too.
There are things going on, of course, but nothing I wish to speak about now, mainly to protect the privacy of others. I am heavily researching some topics I’d like to discuss, some of which may trigger people (I promise to post warnings in case some people want to take a pass), but I think this is a great place for open, honest discussions.
I wasn’t kidding about the wind.
For the first time on my birthday, at least in this particular moment, I feel reborn instead of miserable. Perhaps this is a sign of good things to come. I’ll take the positive signs where they come.
Fresh chocolate mint. No, I am NOT kidding. I often walk past it and chew on the leaves. It smells so good and tastes amazing.
I hope you all have an amazing Wednesday. I’m certainly gonna try, especially since the reverse aging has kicked in. 😉
I’m not sure what type of tree this is, but it has the lightest shades of orange & peach in the entire neighborhood.
Tomorrow is my birthday. In honor of this occasion, I am asking friends and my readers to give back.
This is coming from a place of goodness in the request. It’s coming from MY heart, in the hopes that people will make an effort and give with their whole hearts.
I know someone who is suffering greatly due to the abandonment of family, friends, and the system, and I’d like to see this person emerge stronger, but I have immense doubts this will be achieved. 😦
If you have gently used clothing you no longer wear or that your children no longer wear, please consider finding a local homeless shelter, women’s shelter, etc., and donating those items to help someone in need. Sweaters, sweatshirts, fleece and flannel, thick socks; things that will help keep people warm. Blankets, pillows, sleeping bags, coats, air mattresses, & tents are all items needed as well. If you live in a cold climate, as I do, you know the importance such items have during the cold, long months of winter. Anything you can do will be an amazing blessing you’re bestowing on someone else.
If clothes are not an option (I know for me, I can’t part with what little I physically have here with me.) then please look into local food pantries and consider dropping off some canned goods OR doing that for a local soup kitchen. Maybe donate the frozen turkey many of us earn “free” by purchasing at our local grocery stores during the holiday season. These are places that provide food to families in need and many churches and soup kitchens help feed our homeless. Toiletries are also in need, so even if you donate body wash, bar soap, or a package of wash clothes and/or towels, that would be awesome, too.
If you don’t have the time for any of these things, as many busy people don’t, then it’s easy to make small donations to various charities that truly help the homeless. Take five minutes and do some research, but leave out places like the Salvation Army who people keep telling me are NOT truly helping people any more. I’ve personally witnessed them blowing people in need off and only accepting donations, as opposed to giving back to the people they’re supposed to be helping, so I’d leave them off potential lists based on that behavior. It’s not hard to do a little homework. Churches, Temples, the YMCA, and many non-profit organizations do great work for the homeless. They provide daily meals, clothes, showers, clean laundry, and the list goes on. They treat people like human-beings, and that’s important.
Please realize that the homeless situation in this country (and many others) is dreadful. Homeless does not always equate to “uneducated”, “drug addict”, “alcoholic”, “lazy person who refuses to work”, or many other stigmas placed upon the word “homeless”. Millions of people have lost their homes due to health situations, banks defrauding people on loans, natural disasters, and they have no place left to turn. They’re depressed, devastated, and even if they’ve spent a year reaching out to different organizations, they are often still at square one. Instead of turning a blind eye, as we’ve all done at least a dozen or more times in our lives, please do something. Even the smallest gesture is huge in the eyes of someone who is hurting. It will make you feel good knowing you helped someone in need.
Nearly a year ago, I was almost homeless. Someone generously reached out with a caring heart and offered me a place to live so that I can get back on my feet, get my health in order, etc. However, I’m not special. Had it not been for this person, I’d be on the streets now. I would have had to give up far more than what I did give up, which was basically 99% of my life. Being as sick as I am; I’d likely be dead today instead of writing this. There is only so much the mind, body, and soul can take before it breaks.
A few years ago I was reading a book (and I’ll happily share the name of the book, if asked) where the “writer” had told her children that “people are homeless because they didn’t go to college”, in a scare tactic to let her daughters know that they all had to go to college, mostly because she did not, regretted it, but is now a millionaire that thinks she’s not raising spoiled, privileged children. I was appalled, mortified, outraged, and utterly disgusted by that particular statement, among many others. I cannot imagine, as a writer or editor (and I’ll use her version of “writer” loosely, because she probably dictated the entire thing to someone), ever allowing a line like that to be published, leave alone letting someone say it out loud to children, OR adults. There are ways to educate your children on socioeconomic issues without resorting to pure ignorance.
There are veterans who are homeless; people who defended our freedoms and should be taken care of when they return, but often aren’t. There are plenty of college-educated people who lost their homes, cannot find work (because despite what you read and get told; employment opportunities in this country are still very bad.), and end up homeless. It’s not a choice; it’s a reality. Yes, plenty of these people are sick, but a great many of them didn’t start out that way.
Ultimately. the good we send out into the world returns threefold. If we do it again, it returns in ten. Do something good. Look people in the eye when you do it. You’ll be glad that you did.
Tonight’s Full Moon will be a SuperMoon. The SuperMoon not only affects nature, such as the tides and wildlife, it also affects us; our emotions will be heightened, our senses will be sharper, things that were hidden or in the shadows can now be seen.
The October Full Moon is known as The Blood Moon because this was the time of the harvest of flesh, when farmers would slaughter their cattle and preserve the meat to last through winter. It is also known as The Hunters Moon because of the brightness of tonight’s Moon; it was the perfect time for hunting both day and night and gathering food.
A SuperMoon amplifies the effects of a normal Moon, we will be feeling ultra sensitive and emotional at this time. We may find ourselves feeling strong emotions we don’t even understand. Happy and laughing one minute, teary and sad the next. Don’t worry, this will pass, but this is the effect of the SuperMoon. We may experience wild and vivid dreams, or dreams of the future.
If you have been feeling stuck in a situation or that everything has been standing still lately, get ready, because this Full Moon will be bringing with it a wind of change. Tonight’s Full Moon is in the fiery sign of Aries. This is a time of great change. The universe is giving us so many gifts and chances; don’t be afraid to take them and to dream of bigger and better things, ask for more, do more, be more. Look at what may be holding you back and get rid of it. The Aries Full Moon is about starting fresh; getting rid of the old and bringing in the new.
So much of what has been suppressed is coming to light now and shining so brightly that we cannot ignore it any longer. This Full Moon is about truth and seeing what is really there; not what we want to see. In life we can often see illusions about ourselves, illusions about others, and illusions about our world. All of these will start crumbling away so we can rebuild on what is real and true.
The Aries Full Moon is a time of healing and cleansing, of getting rid of our negative junk and moving ourselves into a new and positive direction. Look closely at all the good things in your life and look at how to improve the bad things. It’s time to take a deep look within ourselves and become more aware of what makes us feel comfortable and secure. With this potent Aries energy, we have the chance to make important changes in our lives. It’s time to make some solid, yet realistic, plans for the future.
Tonight’s Full Moon will be hot and passionate as we can feel the fire of the Aries element, yet we will feel a tranquil quality that can bring a new wave of calm and peace with it, too. The gentle dusting of energy bought by this Full Moon will allow us all to restore and recharge our batteries and perhaps even feel more comfortable with our situation. We will see with clarity what we need to do to heal and grow. Let the fire of Aries wash over you, cleansing and healing you. Now is also the time to get in touch with your passions & desires and work on making them a reality.
Have a blessed Full Moon & may the Goddess watch over you.
It’s amazing how quickly life shifts. You think you know your place in this world, and the direction in which you are going. Then, often suddenly and unexpectedly, a letter, phone call, e-mail, or some form of communique shatters the floor beneath your feet. You’re left standing and asking yourself “Why?”, or in my case “Again?” There’s only so much I can handle in a day, but I’ve been dealing with horrible shit for the past eighteen years. When the hell does a person catch a break?! In this respect, I am trying to remain intensely positive because negativity doesn’t help situations one cannot control. The fact that I knew this would happen a few years ago is what upsets me the most. Sometimes, I hate the gift of premonition, and other times I am grateful for it.
On September 12th, I hurt my back. The pain has progressively worsened. I am terrified to seek emergency treatment due to the “war on opiates” and how badly pain patients are being treated everywhere in the United States. Massachusetts is no different. Every single day I have to hear about people overdosing in various parts of the state. Not on prescription pain medication, but on heroin. How is that MY fault, as a pain patient?! A representative for someone running for State Representative for this district was going door-to-door last Saturday, and specifically asked to speak with me. Obviously they’re looking for the millennial vote. 😉
Her first question was “How can Jen insure your vote on November 8th?” Boy, did she come to the right house. We spoke for about thirty minutes regarding Jen Migliore‘s policy for the opiate issue in this state. I said “Until she works to make sure pain patients get treated like patients, instead of drug addicts, she can’t count on my vote. Until she addresses it and does something to put addicts in a separate category from actual patients, she can’t depend on my vote.” We talked about other issues too, but I made sure this one was front and center. She assured me that if Jen doesn’t call me personally, someone on her campaign staff will. I’d actually be surprised to see her at the front door again because she’s already personally been here once, and that was to get her petition to run for office signed. She was a little too much the “made-up politician” for me when I met her, but it was brief and I will try not to judge a book by its cover, because all too often I am judged for “not looking sick”. She’s 25 years old and running for State Representative, and that takes guts. Is it terrible to say I want to re-do her makeup and make her look more her age?!
A few days ago a woman stared at me on the street and said “Oh my G-d! What a beautiful girl you are!” I was the only person in a full block radius she could have been talking to, but it startled me. If she hadn’t been old enough to be my Grandmother, I might have believed her. But then I got home (barely) and looked in the mirror. Not only don’t I “look sick”, but I actually looked amazing, for a change. I almost, ALMOST, indulged in a selfie. The first time I took one was about two weeks ago. I sent it to my brother who said “Holy shit! You look so different.” I said “Different bad or different good?” and he said “Good. You look SO GOOD.” My brother never compliments me, so I know it was a genuine reaction. I then sent the same photo to my best friend in Germany and she said I look absolutely beautiful. I suspect cataracts. 😉 For me, it’s a huge issue for others that I “don’t look sick”. My body, however, begs to fucking differ. 😦
But I digress… I have been off of prescription pain medication since 2012. I was the kind of patient who could make fifty Percocet last for two months, or longer, but the majority of my pain medication that I’d refilled each month (because my insurance paid 100% of the cost) was stolen by a family member in late 2012, someone who went through my private things and took thousands of Ultram and about hundred Percocet I had legally obtained for “bad days”, NOT for someone to get high off of. I was enraged when I discovered all of my medicine gone. I legitimately had the ration out what little was leftover for “bad days”. I wanted the person who did it to die; because they couldn’t respect my private space, my private things, or the fact that I am a pain patient that needed that medication to get through every bad day I experience. All of that “back-up medication” was in case I got cut-off from a physician, insurance, proper treatment, etc. Instead, it went to someone who was drug-seeking, and who, to this day, is still apologizing for it because I will never let them forget how evil what they did was.
Four years later and I have exactly two doses of Vicodin left for “bad days”. One pill that I cut in half in order to have two doses. I am in such agony as I sit here typing this that I desperately want one of those doses, but in the back of my mind I know I have roughly nine Aleve in my system. I also know that the pain is so intense, the Vicodin won’t work. 😦 If I had taken it when the pain was still bearable, it would have worked, but it also would have worn off by now. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to seek treatment, but I am. If pain management clinics aren’t doing their job (and there is a long wait to get in, providing you get referred to one.), and rheumatologists are now refusing Fibromyalgia patients and telling them to see neurologists, then where the hell do I go?! Do I pray for a solid PCP and hope they’ll give me Ultram and Flexeril to get through all the “bad days”, or do I hope for more?
My feeling is this: The last three states I’ve lived in royally fucked up my medical history. Each state has, over time, shredded my files instead of turning them over to me, which I feel is every patient’s right, even if we have to pay for the photo copies. My concussion history, which began at a very young age, is non-existent on paper! It makes me look like a liar, and I’d never lie about concussion or post-concussion syndrome, which I still have. There are maybe three doctors who still have files on me, but no one else does, and that means I have to start at square one.
This means going to a PCP here and not saying I have Fibromyalgia. I’ll declare my other health issues, like the migraines, but I am not using the dreaded “F word” with a new doctor until he/she mentions it first. It means letting them run every single test in the book and being officially re-diagnosed. It also means immense stress because I KNOW I’m suffering. I KNOW I’m in pain. I KNOW my blood work does not show any other auto-immune disease, but in the back of my mind I have the “What ifs”. We’ve all had these moments. “What if it’s actually Lyme disease and I’ve gotten false negatives my entire life?!” or “What if it IS Lupus or MS?” Of course, none of those other diagnoses make an ounce of sense; not one. I don’t want to waste my time going to physical therapy (I already know it doesn’t work) or anything nonsensical. This is less about medication and more about the correct treatment methods.
The last neurologist I saw told me Botox for migraines was likely my only remaining option for now, so I need a new neurologist to agree with that and get it approved. I’m okay with needles if it works for me. I’m okay with MRI’s, X-Rays, blood work, etc., so long as I see results in my treatment methods. New MRI’s and X-Rays will show the damage to my spine, which explains much, but who knows what else it will show? I don’t care, so long as it means I am getting the correct treatment.
I have zero faith in the medical community. I’ve been treated here once in an emergency and the Urgent Care staff was amazing, but I had injured my eye and the only thing I was given, despite being in pain for months, was antibiotic gel to put into the eye multiple times per day. I’m still using it, because I don’t believe my eye is fully healed. There are days when it looks SO bad that I worry, and while my vision is not any more impaired than usual, it’s disconcerting. That’s okay though; I need a vision exam ASAP any way. There’s nothing like new glasses and new contact lenses. 🙂 Perhaps I’m the only one who gets excited about such things.
I’m sick and tired of the stress pain patients are put through, and the scrutiny of whether or not we “look sick”. No, I don’t “look sick”. I have seen the faces of other Fibro patients and was absolutely mortified. It made me question so much about myself, and not in a good way.
I have blank cop face most of the time (it helps me avoid wrinkles. Well, that, water, genetics, and SPF 50.), and yes, I wear makeup. I don’t do it for other people; I do it for me. It’s an artistic skill-set that I find enjoyable. It doesn’t mean I’m in less pain than one hundred other people, and I’m not going about to compare and contrast because it is NOT a competition, but when I look in the mirror, I realize why I get treated like my pain isn’t real. My eyes are not dead; they sparkle. My skin is healthy and looks good, with or without makeup, and even my bad hair days are still relatively decent. I don’t look exhausted, even when I am. I consider most of this genetics and the fact that I take really good care of my skin, but it makes me feel even worse to know I don’t “look sick”. Again, it’s not a competition, but I am judged for this harshly.
My body is filled to the brim with pain, but I don’t “look sick”. Would I say that to a cancer patient wearing lipstick? NO. However, unless a person tells you what they suffer from, you just plain don’t know what their battle is in life.
It would be nice to live in a world where we judge less on appearances and took people at their word. Of course, Donald Trump is also running to be President of the United States. Perhaps I’ve landed on the wrong fucking planet! 😦
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 