Brain Fog

2015-01-022015-01-03 Miss Poison Be You, Being Real, Believe In Yourself, Doubt, Musings, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Power, Support, Talent, The Mind, Writing Anais Nin, Brain Fog, Doubt, Fibromyalgia Pain, Life, Migraines, Musings, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

It feels like a horrible Monday, the way my brain is fogged up and refusing to fire on all cylinders. No, I haven’t been drinking, but apparently having a holiday in the middle of the week has screwed me up, BIG TIME.

I did manage to get a lot of work done this morning. Considering I have a migraine that is coming and going, that’s astounding. I did have to remind myself not to edit this person’s work (When I edit, it’s probably because it’s necessary, but also because I am a fixer of words.), merely to critique it and give an honest opinion. That is going to prove VERY hard. I sat here for over an hour with my jaw damn near on the floor while I read.

I am professional. I adhere to very specific guidelines, but I am truly astounded by the idiocy submitted to me at times. It’s easy to miss a word here and there, to lose track of little things, but it’s another thing entirely to write for the sake of writing. It’s like listening to a person talk, except you’ve tuned them out after the first 100 words and now you’re staring at them in utter amazement that they haven’t noticed that you’re just not listening. When I space out, I often feel disconnected. For me, it’s not entirely dissimilar to an out-of-body experience. However, when I’m reading something that feels like someone is rambling for the sake of rambling, I stare at the screen and think “Did someone REALLY write this or is there a hidden camera here somewhere?” I’ve contemplated looking.

For today, I think the best thing to do is focus on my health. I’ve already done some work, far more than I originally intended to do, so tomorrow is another day, or later perhaps, if I feel like being masochistic.

I’m in excruciating pain from this migraine and the rest of me from the neck down to mid-thigh doesn’t feel so hot either. I’m disturbed that today is Friday, but will take the weekend to really rest (and work). Next week has its own battles, none of which I am looking forward to. However, my faith is strong and I believe everything will work itself out. Not because I’m being unrealistic, but because I have a very good sense of self and most of what I am attached to. Sometimes I think we’re trapped in the middle of someone else’s major life lesson, and while it doesn’t always feel good while we’re in it, it’s important to remember who you are and exactly what you are capable of.

I know many people teach their children that they can “be anything they want to be”. It wasn’t much different for me, however my mother never would have encouraged or supported anything short of talent. If I wasn’t good at something, she would say “Don’t quit your day job.” Not to be mean, but because she was a firm believer in my talents and did not believe in sugar-coating anything regarding her children.

I’ve heavily doubted and questioned a lot of my talent over the last year or so. Maybe I’ve had those issues deep inside my own head without even realizing it for far longer than I know. I’ve made myself sick from the doubt and unending questions in my mind. It’s a bit like being brainwashed, except you’ve done it with one negative moment where you allowed yourself not to fully be you. The second you allow a sliver of doubt in, it takes over.

I adamantly refuse to allow anything or anyone to tell me who I am. I refuse to be defined by other people’s beliefs or opinions. Ultimately I can refuse these things because I know who and what I am. At the beginning and end of each day, I am a fighter. There is great power in that, I just have to remember to allow the fog to clear.

Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

2014-12-31 Miss Poison Blessings, Empathy, Fibromyalgia, Friends, Friendship, Generosity, Goals, Growth, Happiness, Honesty, Integrity, Kindness, Life, Love, Loyalty, Musings, People, People Helping People, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Professional, Reflection, Relationships, Spoken Words, Thoughts, Unfiltered, Writing 2015, Family, Friends, Gratitude, Humanity, Images/Photos/Quotes, Kindness, Love, New Year's Eve, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Prayer, Random Acts Of Kindness, Relationships, Respect, The Law Of Three, Writing

Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

Every year I’m semi-amazed I’ve survived and gotten this far: Both in life and in the day-to-day struggle. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I’ve had an incredibly rough two years. The years before that were not perfect, some were horrific in their lack of kindness, many had their battles, but this past year has humbled me in ways I never thought possible. It is very easy to lose sight of what we have in life, basic things we should all have. It’s a little too easy to take those basics for granted, until they’re taken away for long periods of time.

I read so many things where people are going through difficult shit. I choose not to advertise my problems because I do have some semblance of privacy and dignity. I also don’t feel that’s what people come here for. I know I can bitch and be myself, but do I really want to dwell on that crap? No. I want things to get better, I want to be positive, and I want to move forward. By whining, you drown in your own crap. On top of being a disgusting visual, it’s also very negative and I don’t want that, for myself or for anyone else.

I am eternally grateful for being blessed with the ability to project my voice through the written and spoken word. As I watch so many people struggle with something that comes so easy to me, I can’t help but see the differences between art and mere words. I openly admit it leaves me frustrated with a lot of people at times.

The very small group of people that matter in my life: THANK YOU. You all know who you are. I am blessed with people who talk me down from my various ledges, entertain my insanity, listen to me, commiserate with me, support me, and are loyal with kind, caring, generous hearts. I respect and appreciate the lack of drama. I respect and appreciate your love, friendship, humor, and the things so many of you go out of your way to do to make me laugh, smile, and/or cheer me up. The thoughtfulness knows no boundaries. It is amazing to know that there are people who have my back, as opposed to those who would prefer to stab me in it. Please know how appreciated you all are. I have an outrageous amount of love in my heart for all of you.

It gives me an endless amount of professional pleasure and pride to be able to bring you “Poison In Lethal Doses”. Tomorrow marks 20 years of both my experience as an editor and the amount of time I have spent writing “Poison” pieces. It feels like it all just started yesterday. I’ve grown so much as a writer that I know time has passed, yet it feels surreal to me. What I used to do and what I do today are two very different beasts. The evolution is amazing for me to see.

2015 will challenge me in my personal and professional lives. I pray it is not quite as challenging for all of you because I would not wish aspects of my life on anyone, but I do hope it challenges you in positive ways that brings an abundance of happiness into your lives.

Ultimately, my vow is to be here and be present for all of you, and for myself. I vow to finish the unfinished and move forward with things that are of the utmost importance. On a smaller note, I am going to attempt to be 98% caffeine free by February. I would prefer to use it just when I have a migraine, as opposed to using it as a stress crutch.

Big things, little things, good things, bad things. No matter what, let us be grateful for it all and what it teaches us. Life is short. It’s not always easy, and it’s a very lonely place without someone in life to turn to that understands. Tonight, no matter what it is you’re doing or believe in, stop and say a little prayer for everyone that matters to you in life. It’s not about religion or belief systems, it’s about humanity. Once you lose sight of that, it’s all downhill, so I think it’s important to remain in touch with what makes you a human-being. While not the most friendly person on the planet, I still have compassion and empathy for others. I still make an effort. I am always present for those I care about, no excuses. Practice a random act of kindness, you’ll see how good it makes you feel as well, thus serving a dual purpose. That which you send out into the world comes back to you threefold. Make it count.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, and safe New Year!

Originally…

2014-12-252014-12-25 Miss Poison Being Real, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Spirituality, Writing Being Real, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Originally, I prepared a post for today that, after sleeping on it, I realized could be considered quite offensive for some of my readers. In an effort to be respectful and courteous, I’m going to file it away for my portfolio and not post it.

I’m not a “Lets hurt as many people’s feelings as possible and lets to do it intentionally” kind of person. I’m incredibly direct and blunt. I don’t have much of a filter, and sometimes that can seem “harsh” to some or “angry” to others when what it really is, is me being me and being real. I’m not a fan of dusting life in sugar. That’s not honest.

Religion and the differences between them is a very touchy subject. Not for me, as I am always open to a theological debate, but for me it’s more about spirituality, not so much anything else. It’s about explaining things to people so they aren’t walking around completely ignorant. Alas, I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m going to keep my mouth shut. So yes, it was a holiday related post and I do realize it could have come off hurtful as opposed to honest and humorous. Not everyone understands my humor, and that’s okay.

There are words being used today that you will not see on this page. Ever. That is my choice. I try to be polite and respectful of others, which is precisely why I’m not posting what I originally wrote.

Instead, I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled cooking and reading. I am trying to finish up The Bane Chronicles by Cassandra Clare (Interesting and entertaining, if you’re considering it.) and Sons Of Anarchy: Bratva, which is basically like reading an episode of the show in a book. And, as I said, cooking. If nothing else, I still have to “feed the people”, or at least that’s what I’m told. LOL.

I hope everyone near and far has a great day. Be happy, healthy, and safe.

It’s Time To Thrive…

Image 2014-12-24 Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Pieces Of Me Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Pieces Of Me

Grey Days

2014-12-20 Miss Poison Creativity, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Books, Clean Manuscripts, Editing, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Waking up this morning, you never would have known it was 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. It’s so dark out that even though rain was not predicted, I suspect it is getting close. That’s okay, because I like the grey days.

A ‘grey day’ for most people might mean depression, but for me, it tends to be more about creativity. I am, quite honestly, locked in my room with my computer. It’s drowning out all the bullshit and drama, and allowing me to focus on what I truly want and need to do.

Drawing out creativity isn’t something you can truly schedule. There are days you can sit and stare at the screen, and nothing happens. I try not to push myself. I write and revise when I am feeling it. I go over other people’s work because it’s my job, but it is also my job to write my own material and make sure it’s cleaner than a hostel shower.

I cannot begin to say how many times someone has told me they’re sending me a “clean manuscript”, and the end result is me wanting to yank all of my hair out of my head because it is riddled with errors and is anything, but “clean”. In fact, it ends up redefining the words “first draft”. Alas, all you can do is fix it, provide notes and suggestions, and then send them on their way. Once your portion of the job is complete, you’re usually out of the picture. Not so with your own work.

Book #1 is important to me (They all are.). It’s not the first thing I’ve ever written, it certainly won’t be the last, but it is important. If I’m putting my name on it, it cannot be shit because I will not allow it. Thankfully, I’ve been writing so long that I know when I’ve written quality and I definitely know when I’ve written “filler”. Since I don’t get paid to write “filler”, I also know when to cut. The writer’s group I belong to; it seems a lot of people have difficulties with knowing when to cut. I’m not a “Please read my book so I can get your opinion/approval.” kind of person. I’m a protector of the body of work until it goes into the editing process, and even then, I am protective of what cannot be cut under any circumstance. Basically, I’m protective until it hits someone’s e-reader or shelf. After that, everyone that reads it will have an opinion and they are entitled to them. Unless someone is an absolute troll, the best thing for me to do is my job and allow everything else to simply be.

Seven Years

2014-12-18 Miss Poison Dad, Growth, Honesty, In Memory, Life, Loss, Pieces Of Me, Writing Blackbird by Alter Bridge, Dad, Honesty, In Memory, Life, Loss, Music, Pieces Of Me, Writing

Seven years can change everything.

I walked out of the house the other day and for the first time, I did not have issues about this moment. It’s not about ‘coming to terms’, but maybe it’s about ‘coming to a new place’. Maybe it is a sign that my soul has learned how to handle this from year to year.

Seven years… It can change how you see the world, how you see yourself, how you see your relationships, and how you see the future.

I have hardened. I have softened. I have strengthened. I have focused on myself, and I have grown. I see how much growth from last year to today.

I have fought battles, and won. I have fought battles that weren’t worth fighting, and walked away unscathed. I have tended wounds, and worked on scars. I have loved and been loved. I have seen beauty, and I have seen the dark underbelly.

I have accomplished things people told me I would never attain on my own. I have risen out of the ashes, as the infinite phoenix of my own destiny. Most importantly, I have stood on my own two feet. No matter where life takes me, I know who I am. I know my worth and value.

In Memory of my father, who knows why these things are all so very important.

…May You Never Be Broken Again.

Imaginary

Video 2014-12-16 Miss Poison Honesty, Inspiration, Music, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses Amy Lee, Evanescence, Honesty, Imaginary, Inspiration, Music, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses

A Hard Week Ahead

2014-12-152014-12-15 Miss Poison Anger, Being Real, Chanukah, Death, December, Family, Feelings, Growth, Honesty, Languages, Loss, Mondays, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Relationships, Right/Wrong, Stress, The Holiday Season, Things That Enrage Me, Thoughts, Toxic People, Truth, Writing Annoyances, Chanukah, Family, Honesty, Monda, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Writing

A Hard Week Ahead

Seven years ago this week, my father passed away. He bravely battled various forms of cancer for 15 years. Eight years “clear”, cancer resurfaced. It continued to be a battle on and off for the remainder of his life, which ended at age 63. Way too young. From year-to-year, I have mixed emotions about the relationship I had with him and a thousand other little, and not so little, things.

On a whole, this is an extremely hard time of year for me. I know for some people, they bury a loved one and after a few months or maybe a year or two, they don’t think about it much. However, I’ve been burying people damn near my entire life. I have next to no immediate family left, and unfortunately two members of my family have really pissed me off over the past few weeks, this was exacerbated early this morning to the point of me seeing blood. Extended family pisses me off, period, but I’ll save that story for another day.

Some people have trouble with the word “No.” or, “It’s 12:30 a.m., I JUST fell asleep, I am in agonizing pain, LEAVE ME ALONE until later. Let me fucking sleep!” I think they’re simple, honest statements and requests, but apparently some people struggle with comprehension. If I tell a person at 8:30 PM that I am going to bed, then I strongly encourage them to leave me the hell alone unless their issues fall into one of the following categories.

A) You are bleeding and I am the only person within a 10 mile radius that can help save your life.

B) You’re on fire and need me to help put it out.

C) You need to be bailed out of jail, and in truth there’s not much I can do until morning any way, so leave a message and call back in the morning. Provide pertinent info, I will find you. Believe it or not, they DO allow you more than ONE phone call.

D) You are drunk and have no money for a cab. I will send one your way.

E) Someone has died, in which case, please leave a message because I really do need to sleep to be able to handle this in the morning.

I think those are pretty fair categories, but some people are anal-retentive and cannot listen to simple instructions. Consider what constitutes a TRUE emergency by emergency standards and proceed accordingly.

My second family issue is with a person not thinking before they speak, talking down to me, being disrespectful regarding someone they do not know, and making demands that I find over the top for someone who has not known me their entire life. Moreover, after well over 10 days of pure silence from my end, they call or e-mail acting like NOTHING is wrong, but they include an additional demand that just plain makes you want to smack them.

Generally, if I don’t respond to an e-mail within a few days, it probably means I am BUSY. I do work and I DO have a life, but in some rare cases, I am ignoring you for a while so that I don’t tell you exactly where to fly and how high. 98% of the time, it’s truly just the fact that I am busy. I almost always call people back if they’ve left me a message, BUT if I don’t call you back within 1-7 days and have repeatedly explained that I am not feeling well and that I am going through some heavy shit, respect that answer and stop shoving yourself down my throat.

Unless you are my brother, Aunt, or one of my dearest friends don’t EVER call me at 10:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day and assume I am “spending the day all alone” because that’s how your day is going. I hate assumptions, you know what people say about them, so just DON’T. By the way, I was COOKING, so I didn’t have time to reach over and spend the next 7 hours “chatting”. I think my days of speaking to people I barely even like are 100% OVER. If I take the time to call someone myself, it’s genuinely because I want to speak to them, care about them, and like/love them. The list gets shorter by the day.

On an entirely different subject, it is starting to annoy me when people use languages I don’t speak as a means of “good wishes”. English is my first language. I am well know for saying thank you in Italian on a consistent basis, no matter where I am. I am also well known for answering the phone in Italian, Spanish, or Russian. These are simply things I do, BUT it’s not out of an attempt to annoy someone. In fact, I try not to do it all the time because I understand it can be annoying on the flip-side too. So why would you constantly do it to someone when you KNOW they don’t speak the language you’re using?

I have yet to decide whether or not to say something about it. In fact, the “demand of the day” is that I speak to the previously aforementioned person right about the time I plan on making dinner tonight. Mind you, I was not asked about MY schedule, simply INFORMED that she’d be calling between one time and another because that’s when she’d be home from all of her appointments today. I had a hard time not responding with “I’m NOT speaking to you right now.” I really want to tell her off, but I think it’s best said in a few weeks when I’m calmer. I really want to make a great meal tonight and do some Chanukah prep, so I definitely think pointing out all of these things is best kept for a post-holiday discussion. In fact, I think it’s good karma to rid myself of it before the end of the year.

If I’ve repeatedly said this is a hard time of year for me, you can either be supportive and back off, or simply let me know you’re available if I need to talk, but you don’t need to be a monkey on my back. I don’t respond well to tacky aggressiveness.

As we go into the holidays, do you have any family members that drive you absolutely insane and/or make crazy demands of you and your time? Or invite themselves over when you truly don’t want to be bothered? Please let me know how you deal with this insanity in the comments section.

Has Anyone Else Noticed?

2014-12-03 Miss Poison Being Real, December, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Being Real, December, Family, Honesty, Idiots, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

This time of year either brings out the good in people, or it brings out the bad. Unfortunately, I am dealing with assumptions, presumptions, accusations, and have decided that not speaking to certain people is really the healthiest decision for all involved. I have a temper and I know how to use it, so really, it’s healthier for me. Wisdom helps you make decisions such as these.

I’m pretty laid back and easy-going, but when you say certain things to me, it’s like asking the sleeping dragon not to shoot fire. The nicest person in the world (not me) can be provoked, but provoking me is courting disaster. Seek and ye shall find.

A “joke” to some people that is simply not funny doesn’t radiate as humor, be it verbally or in print. I worry about people sometimes, especially those who laugh at their own jokes when they’re truly not the least bit funny. If the only person laughing is you, it’s not humor. Granted, I am guilty of laughing at the things I come up with, however I have legitimate proof that I’m funny, and this person does not.

*Warning, here’s where I get a bit graphic.*

What is it about December that somehow provides most people with A) A rather large stick up their ass or B) A life-size bug up their ass? I’m contemplating calling in a proctologist for all of them because I’d like said sticks removed and then sent off to a lab to be inspected for termites. What is WRONG with so many people? And God, WHY do I have to be related to some of them?!

All of a sudden, people who haven’t spoken to me in six months, or longer, are demanding phone calls because apparently an e-mail is “way too time-consuming”. Are you kidding me?! A phone call is too time-consuming if I can’t stand to listen to you! I really don’t have all damn day, nor do I think that talking to me should be considered a “multi-tasking chore”. God as my witness, I would NEVER say that to someone. I’m not going to call you from the bathroom while I scrub the tub or steam clean my floors. I’m not going to call you while I change a litter box. For one, you don’t want to hear me cursing when I do those things and two, it’s rude. When I’m talking to someone, they have my undivided attention. Yes, I might be transferring my laundry from the washer to the dryer, I might be cooking or chopping vegetables, but I’m not vacuuming and expecting them to hear me clearly. Again, that’s rude. And there are so many instances when I will tell a friend “I’m cooking, is it all right if I call you back later when I’m done? I don’t want you not to have my full attention.” It’s common courtesy, and it also keeps the knife out of my hand if a person says something shocking while telling me something and my hand slips. No one wants to explain a knife injury at Urgent Care or the ER. Especially since certain knife related wounds MUST be reported to the police. That’s all I need, a report about how I got klutzy with a fancy knife. No thanks!

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is people who call me while they’re driving. I don’t care if you’re on a Bluetooth for two hours or that you have “nothing else to do when you’re driving”, it is still DANGEROUS. How many people have lost their lives because they were on the phone while driving? I don’t want to be responsible for that, it makes me nervous. If it makes me nervous, respect that I don’t want to talk to you while you’re hurling down the road at 65+ miles an hour and call me when you have the time to do so. If you’re telling me “Oh, I’m just SO busy…”, then don’t call me at all. Don’t send me e-mails or Facebook messages either. However, do not presume to tell me what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. No one is SO important that I have to drop everything I have planned on any given day to spend 7 hours on the phone with them listening to things I have no solid interest in listening to. A friend in need? YES, no question, I will drop everything, but I will not drop everything for nonsensical crap.

I have varying interests. I am not limited in what I find interesting and/or intriguing. I only have a one-track mind about certain things, but after that, I can concentrate on many different things at once and a conversation should be something you’re not vacant about. The second I’m out of a conversation, any intelligent person can tell, and I don’t like being a space cadet. Unfortunately, certain types of people bring it out of us.

Anyone telling me that they’re “confused” by my response or reaction to their childishness or stupidity is simply adding fuel to the fire. I am clear. I am concise. I do not mince words. Of late, I have felt like I needed to bang my head against a wall dealing with certain types of people and quite frankly, I have enough migraines and I don’t need the additional headaches that would surely cause.

Unlike a lot of people in this world, I know with certainty that the world doesn’t revolve around me. In fact, I’m sure I am just a dot in this world. I am not self-involved or self-important. I know my worth and value, yes, but I don’t have my head shoved up my own ass. I can respect someone else’s perspective, but I do not have to agree with it. I think some people are amazing at their jobs, but have absolutely no social skill set whatsoever outside of work. The same can be said in reverse for many people too, but generally I know people with amazing work ethic who are passionate about what they do, as opposed to those who look down upon anyone for not being in the same line of work as them. One person’s “dream job” is, quite understandably, many other people’s worst nightmares. If I had to answer to a “boss” and be held accountable for absolute nonsense I would not last 12 hours. Maybe I’m under-estimating myself, but the difference is that I know who I am and I accept who I am. I know that if put in a situation where my integrity and work ethic are questioned, I will go off on you in a New York Minute. I have always worked for myself. The only person I’ve ever answered to was me. And believe me, I am plenty self-critical, but I’ve never treated anyone I work with the way I treat myself.

People are preaching about kindness, gratitude, and giving right now. However, very few people are practicing what they preach. All I can do is be myself and if someone doesn’t like that, too damn bad.

Inevitably, not everyone will like or love you. What IS important is remaining true to yourself, no matter what venom is spewed in your direction. Silence IS golden, but sometimes shooting back with something deadlier is also an option. No, it’s not always kind, but I don’t skip through the tulips, nor do I look for unicorns farting rainbows either.

F&CK CANCER

Link 2014-12-02 Miss Poison Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses Cancer, Fuck Cancer, Honesty, Life's Battles, Loss, Pieces Of Me, Stephen Amell

https://represent.com/stephen

This campaign has already raised over one million dollars. I will proudly be sporting two different pieces from this collection, in different colors.

Cancer has deeply affected my life. It has taken the lives of more than half of my family, including my Grandmother, Uncle, and father. It is a cruel, evil disease and anything that can be done to help eradicate it and bring across a fantastic message as well, has my support. There’s less than 24 hours left. There are “clean” versions and the original version (That’s the one I chose, not a shocker.) with plenty of offerings in terms of size and color, not to mention worldwide shipping.

If you know someone going through any type of cancer fight, give them this as a show of your support this holiday season. Even if they don’t say this is how they feel about the fight, it IS. I will be wearing this in honor of everyone I have loved and lost to cancer, and also in honor of the survivor in my life.