2015 has been many things for me, but it’s hard, at the moment, to say it’s been kind. That would be a lie. Granted, there are pluses and minuses to every day, week, month, and year. It hasn’t all been bad, but it’s been hard times a million. We’ve all experienced this in some capacity or another, and if you haven’t, I assure you that you will, because that’s life.
This year my faith in people has been shattered. It wasn’t completely in tact to begin with, so you can only imagine what I’ve been through to say that and feel so strongly about it.
I’m done with people in the sense that they say one thing, do another, and lack the ability of being reliable and genuine. Not all people, but enough that I am disgusted on an incredibly large scale. I have a life to live. I have no time for ignorance, lack of empathy/compassion, and those who are intentionally uneducated in the sense of “Have you met my new friend, Google?” (Have Internet access? Good, then don’t be an asshole.) If you’re unsure of something and can research it, then I highly recommend doing so. If you’re simply being a vile person because you are ignorant of the world and the people around you, simply move out of my way. I have no time for crap, and I will roll over you. I might do it twice, to ensure my point has been made.
Sometimes bad things happen to extraordinarily wonderful people, and other times good things take the place of the bad. I have yet to see truly evil people get what they deserve, but I was always taught that I don’t need to focus on that because G-d has a plan for all of us that we simply do not see, or need to be witness to. If this is indeed the case, I’d like to get a move on because I no longer want to feel stuck, trapped, or tied to the wrong people in any aspect of my life.
This month alone I have experienced unparalleled tragedy, viciousness, & evil, of which I may never be able to speak of out loud, or in any capacity. These are things I would not wish on an enemy, and as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any that I am aware of. People can think and say what they like; I don’t live my life perceiving others as “the enemy” or as competition. I stay in my lane.
I am exhausted (migraines & Fibro pain will do that to you), stressed, quietly introspective, and have been in so much pain that I’ve been at an absolute loss as to what to do about it. I can’t remember the last time I felt like a worthless rag, but it’s important to be honest when I do.
Things are slow as I integrate Cat & Kitten. They’re doing so well together, back to being cuddle buddies, but OGK’s sugars are up, not good for a diabetic, be it a cat or a person, so I am trying to monitor him and his reactions without stressing all three of them out in the process. I want to see progress though, not setbacks. I want to see my brave, strong, smart girls thrive while we are here. Normally they are with me 24 hours a day, Kitten is often my writing companion, and that really helps me emotionally because they’re such good-hearted loves. For the past few weeks, I’ve maybe spent 15-45 minutes a day with them for a multitude of reasons. This weekend I am going to be organizing my clothes, so if nothing else, they will have more “Mommy time”. They’re always so happy to see me and I’m grateful that the diffuser worked for them because the move was a lot more traumatic than I thought it would be. I am very proud of them for traveling well and I’ve promised them that long trips are over for the near future. When I inevitably move again, I am not going more than an hour and a half away. My health simply isn’t that kind, and I physically cannot handle the stress or the emotion that comes with trekking around to that extent. I liked my life in the last state I called home. I loved the area and a lot of what kept me sane there are definitely things I miss, but I did not like these last few years, which took an immense toll on me in every imaginable way. I cannot allow that type of pain to re-enter my life ever again.
At the start of my move, Patient X went into arrhythmia three times and was rushed to the hospital. After 2 1/2 days, he was discharged with a lot more medication than he was given originally, medication I felt was crucial to his recovery, but man is that surgeon’s office fucked up! 😦 He’s healing. The surgical wounds are 90% healed, but all the other wounds he carries with him cannot be my responsibility any more. He visited for about ten days post-move, driving me absolutely insane. We fought more than anything else, enjoying maybe one or two good days the entire visit. The fact that he doesn’t seem to appreciate anything makes me feel as though I am dealing with an ungrateful, spoiled teenager. Neither of us was raised to behave in the manner in which he has been behaving, so as sad as it was, I was relieved when he left. Of course now, I’m worried. I said I wouldn’t be, but it just plain makes me sick to my stomach. Apparently he did not inherit the gene for common sense, so yeah, I’m going to worry. I wish he were 75% more like me and 95% less of an asshole. That is, indeed, a large request, I know, but one can still hope & pray that someone makes a drastic change in their lives and begins to see the error of nearly all of their ways.
I wish there was some kind of reassurance for me, but at the moment, I am doing my best to get through each day without focusing on anything too deep. Keeping my mind focused on the incredibly mundane is about all I can handle now.
My goals for 2016 involve intense creativity & being selfish where certain things are concerned. I’ve never been selfish, but I’m making a list of “No’s”. Normally my “No’s” are: “No doing dishes, no washing windows, no dating actors, musicians, athletes, or anyone in the military.” (Yes, I have legitimate reasons for all that.), but I’ve expanded on the original list. Perhaps I’ll write about it up the road.
Another important goal is to completely regroup. I am unbelievably tired of being in so much pain. Here’s hoping & praying that quality health care and proper treatment is in my future so that I may avoid permanent damage. I want to be able to function at a higher level and I’d appreciate not feeling like a prisoner in my body. It’s bad enough that I do feel like a prisoner. My cell is roughly 5.4″, and I cannot seem to break free. 😦
If I am able to feel like a human-being on December 31st, 2016, then I will have achieved something great, though for now, my expectations are lower than dirt.
I want to explore this new town as soon as the ice melts. I would hate to slip and fall and have to call someone to meet me at the nearest emergency room because I don’t have a single pair of boots here. Sometimes a walk can do so much in terms of clearing your head and heart of negative thoughts, but since 20 degree temperatures and I don’t exactly mesh, I might have to wait for it to warm up a bit. I’m hoping people will be patient with me and understand that while I do have my priorities straight (Believe me, I wish I didn’t.), I’m not willing to sacrifice anything more that helps keep me sane. I don’t care how ridiculous it seems to you; let me live.
It is difficult not to feel damaged, bruised, and broken. I am reminded that I am strong, yes, but every woman reaches a point when she’d simply like to sit in a corner and cry. Not because she’s weak, but because she needs to get the rage out of her system. It’s healthy, cleansing, and allows you to move forward. I detest weakness in myself, so it’s either have a good cry or trial by fire. (I’m kidding…slightly.)
Whatever 2015 has or hasn’t given you, maybe you be blessed moving forward. If it was a painful year, much like mine, cleanse yourself now and don’t carry the bitterness with you any longer than is necessary. Set a goal, however little or much, and do your best. If anyone has anything snarky to say about your goal(s), by all means, tell them to bite you. That’s about as inoffensive as I get for now.
Whatever you plan to do in terms of celebration tonight, please be safe. If you’re going to be drinking, be certain you have a designated driver or plan to take a cab home. It is better to be safe than sorry. Also, put your phone away. Do NOT text and drive. (It’s one of my biggest pet peeves, but it is also incredibly dangerous.)
Wishing you all a fantastic, happy, and safe New Year! 🙂 Let the blessings commence. So mote it be!
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.