Goals

Tuesday Blues

Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Goals, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Unhappiness, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

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Normally I love Tuesdays, but today I woke up in pain. Granted, I didn’t go to bed last night feeling as though I could run a marathon, but this pain is different. In turn, it’s making me irritable beyond words. I am so bitchy, I can’t stand the sound of my own thoughts. 😦

I worked yesterday and didn’t stab anyone . I read, I did a load of laundry, I did research, and out of the corner of my eye I watched cat and kitten eat, play, fight, and sleep like the dead. I wish I could sleep as soundly and as peacefully as they do. Alas, I have two little creatures that walk on me, screech, meow, and act like uncivilized beasts. The very same creatures that take over my bed each day after kicking me out of it. To add insult to injury, I was holding kitten yesterday morning. She got scared by nothing at all (I have no idea what her problem is any more!) and ripped my arm open. This happened twice. I am sporting a hideously raised scratch on the inside of my left forearm that took a while to stop bleeding. The other moment (which was last night) was less bloody and is near my right wrist. I moved quicker in letting her go, so that scratch didn’t bleed and isn’t deep. I’d post photos of my wounds, but trust me, you don’t want to see this shit. Thankfully she’s an indoor cat and I don’t have to worry about either scratch (mostly the big one) becoming infected.

Someone else’s cat once bit me, albeit playfully while sprawled on my lap. and she embarrassingly said “Your cats have never bitten anyone?” She was shocked when I said “No.” I’d be mortified if cat or kitten ever hurt someone. It’s okay if they interact with me and the people they know, but it’s not okay for them to bite or scratch a stranger. That’s like letting your child walk up to a stranger and bite them. It’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. I don’t know anyone who’d allow that. No one civilized, any way.

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Yes, please send sugar! Kimberley’s Cupcakes. Lemon Ice, Triple Chocolate, and Strawberry. I’m addicted.

So, back to my insane, bitchy thoughts…

I’m self-abusing. Mentally and emotionally cutting. Nothing dulls the shit that goes through my head. I distract myself with e-mailing friends, reading, partially listening to TV when I’m in the same room with it (“Oh, it’s over? Did an hour really just pass while I played Candy Crush Saga?”), extensively researching my impending career change, and starting and pausing my Pandora playlists. I strongly suspect I’m listening to the same songs on a loop. I keep skipping tracks and/or pressing thumbs down on others. No song needs to play four times in 30 minutes unless you have it on repeat. Ooh, Maroon 5.

Five days into the Topamax and the only issue I have is that I can no longer drink anything carbonated. I’ve switched over to iced tea and plan on moving back to tea and lemonade for a while because  eventually the side effect goes away at about the six month mark. I’ve had mild headaches, but no migraines. I’m ravenous in the mornings because I MUST take this medicine before 10:00 a.m. Any later and I won’t sleep at night, but I’m positively grouchy later in the day. Other people report drowsiness if they take it during the day, but I can’t take it before bed or I won’t sleep, so I take it in the morning. Admittedly, not first thing. Cat and kitten tried waking me at 4:00, 5:00, and 6:30. By 7:30 I decided I was willing to go downstairs and feed them. Only one of them deigned to eat her food (Kitten will eat anytime, anywhere, and will eat pretty much anything.). Cat went and hid. I found her sleeping in my bed later on and she’s been here ever since. It’s a good thing I went downstairs though because, in my infinite “It feels kind of warm” wisdom, I discovered that my thermostat is acting up. No one sane would EVER put their thermostat on 99 degrees. I wouldn’t even do that during the winter if it was minus 20. I set it to 64 degrees and I leave it there. Twice in two days it has A) Turned itself off completely or B) Changed the temperature on its own. Yes, this house is haunted. For the record, it wasn’t haunted when I got here. The spirits came with me.

As this day comes to a close and begins to darken ever so slightly, I hope it carries the blues away with it. Absolutely no one needs to carries such crap around inside their soul. Hopefully I will be more positive in the days to come.

Have a good night one and all. 🙂

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Stirring The Cauldron

Miss Poison Cancer, Generosity, Goals, Hope, Inspiration, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses , , , ,

There is a humorous saying in my family: “When Lisa gets bored, she gets dangerous.” It’s truly a joke, I’m basically a sweet kitten from hell, but right now, I’ve got a TON on my plate and it’s beyond overwhelming.

I hate it when people use the excuse of being “busy” so as not to do something or be present. I refuse to do that which I dislike SO much. Yes, I’m busy. So what. I can still make time for what’s important to me, and exactly who is important to me. If you know me well, you know I’ll drop anything and everything to help a friend or family member in need providing I can stand you.

So here I sit, hammering out details for a charity drive. I am exhilarated with ideas and I will be sharing all of the necessary information here that way no one can say they didn’t know about it, did not know they could help no matter where they live, etc. Again, NO EXCUSES. I cannot and will not force anyone to care strongly about things that are important to me, but I can encourage you to get involved if at all possible, or I just might visit you with a rather large hockey stick. People often say they want to help others, but it’s, more often than not, just talk. I rarely see action, which is precisely why I’ve decided to take action in my own way.

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I am SO inspired by this. It took over a month for this shirt to arrive. 

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The hoodie was VERY late to the party, but is SO warm, and I’m proud to be walking around in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bt4WwhXzsY

And the video brings me to fucking TEARS (I’m blaming PMS.).

I am proud to have contributed, proud to be preparing to play a larger role that can affect a lot of people’s lives for the better, and thrilled to be stirring my cauldron when I really should be asleep.

You will know more about what I am doing when I’m greenlit.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The photos are mine and protected under my personal copyright, the video is not mine.

My Goal This Weekend

Miss Poison Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Goals, Honesty, Humor, Images/Photos/Quotes, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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In all seriousness, being sick made this a long, drawn out week. It was only made better by lots of fluids, rest, and soup. I am nothing if not serious about soup. Unfortunately, whatever this virus is, it lulled me into a false sense of security because it’s a sadistic bastard. I was fine for a day or two, and then it came back stronger and took me out. I lost an entire day of work because I desperately needed medicine and rest. I’m taking a less powerful dose of the medicine now, but I am still achy and not feeling like myself, plus the medicine is working on my lungs big time. Quite frankly, I did not know they were so deeply involved. It’s disgusting, really. Moreover, should this be making my kidneys feels like they’re going to run off and leave me? I’m certain the answer is “No.”

“Starve a fever, feed a cold.” is not nonsense, it’s true. My appetite hasn’t once been off. Obviously, I can’t eat certain things at the moment, but everything I can eat is making a difference, or at least that’s what I am being led to believe.

All things taken into consideration, I think I was a rock star this week. Sick as a dog, but under deadline, I completed the big manuscript yesterday afternoon ahead of schedule. Unlike the previously aforementioned asshole client I alluded to days ago, this one was incredibly respectful and immediately gave me professional feedback. I address issues right away, I don’t slip them into something serious nearly two full months after the fact. Yes, it still pisses me off.

I have two additional, albeit smaller, manuscripts to get through by Friday and then another client would like me to take a look at a couple of chapters. Both of them are aware that I am sick and both of them told me “No rush at all, there’s no deadline for this.” In all fairness, that probably only makes me work harder because I take my contracts seriously. I’ll do my best, but I might give myself part of this weekend to stay in bed and (possibly) watch season 3 of Sons of Anarchy. Approximately thirteen hours of Charlie Hunnam… It’s all part of the healing process, folks. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

I’m tired, achy, unpleasant, and seriously contemplating breakfast. How badly do I want it? How much work is truly involved, and do I REALLY want to eat? The truth is, I’m hungry and I do want to eat, but knowing this involves some work on my part means I’m not running to the kitchen just yet.

Also, I am beyond saddened to learn that I will be unable to donate bone marrow because of the Fibromyalgia. I didn’t talk about this when I first found out earlier in the week because I was very upset and found myself in tears. One of my neighbors has been stricken with cancer. My first thought was “I can donate blood and get tested to see if I’m a match to donate bone marrow.” I lost my father to cancer when he was 63. He bravely battled various forms of cancer for 15 years before it took his life. I’ve lost many key family members to cancer, and hearing about this makes me ill to the core. I don’t feel that my neighbors’ children deserve to lose their father so young (I was both young enough, but still adult enough to handle it to the best of my ability without self-destructing.), so I am determined to do whatever I can to help. After days of research, I found out this morning that Fibro patients cannot donate at all. My brother CAN be tested and is more than willing to donate, but since I cannot, and feel like shit for it, the organization has suggested I put together a registry drive in my area to help bring about awareness and possibly save some lives. I will speak with them about this next week. I’m very upset that this is all that I can personally do, but I believe something MUST be done, so I am taking the initiative. If you live in the Northeast Philadelphia area, maybe you can volunteer or come out to the drive and get tested. I will provide a date and time as soon as I know more.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled Saturday. I hope everyone has a good one.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

Miss Poison Blessings, Empathy, Fibromyalgia, Friends, Friendship, Generosity, Goals, Growth, Happiness, Honesty, Integrity, Kindness, Life, Love, Loyalty, Musings, People, People Helping People, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Professional, Reflection, Relationships, Spoken Words, Thoughts, Unfiltered, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

Every year I’m semi-amazed I’ve survived and gotten this far: Both in life and in the day-to-day struggle. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I’ve had an incredibly rough two years. The years before that were not perfect, some were horrific in their lack of kindness, many had their battles, but this past year has humbled me in ways I never thought possible. It is very easy to lose sight of what we have in life, basic things we should all have. It’s a little too easy to take those basics for granted, until they’re taken away for long periods of time.

I read so many things where people are going through difficult shit. I choose not to advertise my problems because I do have some semblance of privacy and dignity. I also don’t feel that’s what people come here for. I know I can bitch and be myself, but do I really want to dwell on that crap? No. I want things to get better, I want to be positive, and I want to move forward. By whining, you drown in your own crap. On top of being a disgusting visual, it’s also very negative and I don’t want that, for myself or for anyone else.

I am eternally grateful for being blessed with the ability to project my voice through the written and spoken word. As I watch so many people struggle with something that comes so easy to me, I can’t help but see the differences between art and mere words. I openly admit it leaves me frustrated with a lot of people at times.

The very small group of people that matter in my life: THANK YOU. You all know who you are. I am blessed with people who talk me down from my various ledges, entertain my insanity, listen to me, commiserate with me, support me, and are loyal with kind, caring, generous hearts. I respect and appreciate the lack of drama. I respect and appreciate your love, friendship, humor, and the things so many of you go out of your way to do to make me laugh, smile, and/or cheer me up. The thoughtfulness knows no boundaries. It is amazing to know that there are people who have my back, as opposed to those who would prefer to stab me in it. Please know how appreciated you all are. I have an outrageous amount of love in my heart for all of you.

It gives me an endless amount of professional pleasure and pride to be able to bring you “Poison In Lethal Doses”. Tomorrow marks 20 years of both my experience as an editor and the amount of time I have spent writing “Poison” pieces. It feels like it all just started yesterday. I’ve grown so much as a writer that I know time has passed, yet it feels surreal to me. What I used to do and what I do today are two very different beasts. The evolution is amazing for me to see.

2015 will challenge me in my personal and professional lives. I pray it is not quite as challenging for all of you because I would not wish aspects of my life on anyone, but I do hope it challenges you in positive ways that brings an abundance of happiness into your lives.

Ultimately, my vow is to be here and be present for all of you, and for myself. I vow to finish the unfinished and move forward with things that are of the utmost importance. On a smaller note, I am going to attempt to be 98% caffeine free by February. I would prefer to use it just when I have a migraine, as opposed to using it as a stress crutch.

Big things, little things, good things, bad things. No matter what, let us be grateful for it all and what it teaches us. Life is short. It’s not always easy, and it’s a very lonely place without someone in life to turn to that understands. Tonight, no matter what it is you’re doing or believe in, stop and say a little prayer for everyone that matters to you in life. It’s not about religion or belief systems, it’s about humanity. Once you lose sight of that, it’s all downhill, so I think it’s important to remain in touch with what makes you a human-being. While not the most friendly person on the planet, I still have compassion and empathy for others. I still make an effort. I am always present for those I care about, no excuses. Practice a random act of kindness, you’ll see how good it makes you feel as well, thus serving a dual purpose. That which you send out into the world comes back to you threefold. Make it count.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, and safe New Year!

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Right Now

Miss Poison Books, Goals, Growth, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Progress, Silence, Stories, Work, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Sometimes, the most important thing I need is silence. Having finished that hellacious read-through, I am glad to be able to be done with it and be able to put it behind me. One of the most important things I have learned about reading a truly raw manuscript is that as a writer, I truly know what works and what doesn’t. This particular client seems to only want people to kiss his ass and tell him how fabulous his work is. I have to be honest. There were some well-written parts on the character end of things, but mostly I felt like someone had handed me half of a book, or maybe even a third of it, and said “What do you think of this? I want lots of feedback.” All I could think at the end was “What the fuck did I MISS here?!” I later learned he’d hired several other people to read different sections of the book, as opposed to hiring ONE person to read the entire book. Yeah, that’s more than half-assed to me, but whatever. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Since that job came to a close, it’s given me some time to respond to e-mails and look over my own manuscript. I sat here earlier reading the first few chapters and was so immersed in the story, I forgot who’d written it. That is the mark of a great story teller. If I can completely forget it’s my own work, I have done something really special. I saved some extra bits I wrote, and exited the program with a smile on my face.

In a completely non-arrogant, non-cocky way, these past two jobs have shown me that I am not a hack. I’m experienced, I have talent, and I know how to put a story together. Yes, some people write their first book and totally knock it out of the park, and others write in different genres for YEARS before they ever write their first book. I think the most important thing is that I see who I am now, very clearly, and I’m proud of that person, that writer. I have grown. I’ve exceeded my own expectations, and that’s truly something special.

I look forward to what each job brings me in terms of self-awareness because I might be helping other writers polish their work, but what I’m really doing is shining my own diamond. I’m proud of book one, and I am proud of the progress I am making on the other books as well. The fact that a few months ago, I was questioning my own progress, education, experience, and writing ability seems so ridiculous to me.

No, I didn’t go to Harvard to “be a writer” (Harvard was NEVER my dream.), but I’m also not lacking in anything. Everyone’s journey is different, and that’s okay. People can criticize me, and they can say what they will, but at the beginning and end of each day, I know who I am.

I’m many things, but in the grand scheme of it all…I AM A WRITER. Color me discovered! 

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copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

The Need For Silence

Miss Poison Being Real, Cats, Friends, Friendship, Goals, Growth, Happiness, Health, Honesty, Hope, Images/Photos/Quotes, Musings, Negativity, October, Pets, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reflection, Relationships, Silence, Space, Wicca, Work, Writing , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tomorrow is Samhain, which is Halloween for the uninitiated who can’t even pronounce what I just said. I’ve taken some time this week to be quiet, to look deeply within, and to give myself some space. Every year brings a new set of challenges, and I am hoping to embark on happier ones this time around. Simply put: I am sick of the crap. Every last ounce of it. I’m ready for positive change, happy change, and I am looking forward to putting a lot of unhappiness and negativity to rest.

My only plan for tomorrow is to try hard to finish the read-through I am doing, and catch up on some little things that need to be put in the mail. Beyond that, nothing. I want a quiet day, I want to light candles at dusk, and I want a night of quality sleep. I don’t need scary movies to “get into the spirit”. I’ve already seen Sons of Anarchy and Stalker this week, I’ve had my dose of gore and I’ve been thoroughly ‘creeped out’.

It probably seems odd for someone so young to be in such desperate need of silence, but it’s honest. I already bought sweets this week and they were for myself. Okay, so I shared, but you get the point. The actual Halloween aspect doesn’t reside in my home. Samhain, on the other hand, does. It’s when I honor my loved ones who have passed away and light candles of remembrance. It’s when I keep my cats close to me and SAFE. I don’t believe in having outdoor cats, I never have and I never will. That is a personal choice because I believe that if you are going to have any kind of pet, you should do what is absolutely best for him/her and their overall well-being. When you rescue, you should give them a safe home. Last year there was a lot of concern over black cats being harmed. I own an all-black British Bombay who is the sweetest, most laid back little girl, so it’s even more important to me to keep her safe and sound. I don’t ever want my cats to know “the street life” again, which is precisely why I adopted them. You save a life, but you also save bits of yourself in the process.

Also, I have a very dear friend in the hospital, and I want to make sure I say a special prayer for her recovery. I’m breaking out the big guns on this one! 🙂

So, if there isn’t another post this month, enjoy the holiday however you choose to embrace it and keep yourself and those you hold dear safe & sound.

Bright Blessings.

L

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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