Musings Of An Unquiet Mind

My closest friends and family, my loved ones, are the absolute BEST reflection of who I am. When you have healthy self-respect, self-esteem, dignity, a seemingly unending source of inner strength, and an innate sense of self, you don’t wait for some mythological superhero to rescue you. You’re your own damn hero, and I’m SO PROUD of the inspiring women in my life who’ve been through HELL and back, but are SO wise, kind, caring, and fierce when necessary. Me? I’m always fierce and this week, that ability to go from perfectly pleasant to ice queen in less than half a second was considered “intimidating”. I’m only intimidating if you’re fucking weak. Perhaps you should not challenge someone you don’t know well enough to challenge. Turns out, I’m venomous when necessary. 🤷

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I was raised to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and friendships. It’s why I ditch toxic and/or narcissistic people without a care in the world. I KNOW my worth and value in ALL things.

My best friends are these AMAZING, strong, witty, “I’ll do anything for you.” kind of women, and I firmly believe like attracts like. Loyalty attracts loyalty. Honesty attracts honesty. Ride or die types of people attract the right friends to them. My friendships have lasted longer than most people’s marriages, and if you can devote that much care to a friendship, it says a LOT about your character.

I’ve met many soul mates in this incarnation. The best friend soulmate; the professional development soulmate, the sibling soulmate, etc. Unless you’re a new soul, this is not uncommon.

Almost two years ago, I was filling out paperwork and glanced to my left. A pair of blue eyes met mine and I immediately knew I KNEW this person, though we had definitely not yet met in this incarnation. Every time I sit across from this person and we’re deep in conversation, it builds a stronger foundation. And yet, when someone refers to this relationship, even if they think their comments are benign or funny, I am immediately protective of this person. It’s the same type of fierce protection my friends and family benefit from, and I still don’t fully understand the relationship other than to say I’m incredibly grateful to have this person in my life. Not in a codependent kind of way, but in a “Do NOT fuck with my people.” kind of way.

In the past year, shitty people have shown me their true faces, and wonderful people have stepped up and into my life in a myriad of roles. I hope everyone understands how much I value them.

You don’t have to be a romantic partner for me to show my respect and appreciation. I have impeccable manners and I make sure this translates onto my social media platforms.

My friends KNOW who they are and should know how much I love them. Anytime you work to establish and continue building a friendship, I know you’re not full of crap.
My family members are few and far between, but they’re MY family. I would take a bullet for many of them and just like with my friends, if you hurt someone I love, I will personally hunt you down like a hungry lion and destroy you. Don’t test me. Most likely to take a bullet, but also most likely to rip you to shreds and scatter you like dust. I don’t know about some of you, but I’d WANT that loyal, fierce friend/family member in my life because you know where you stand with authenticity. People masquerading; not so much.

Matt, thank you for identifying authenticity in others and ALWAYS being this amazing reflection of who EVERYONE should be. You are such a beautifully evolved soul. 😘😘😘

Identify your tribe. Love them fiercely. But don’t hesitate to cut cancerous toxicity away when necessary. Remember that you matter, too.

#Honesty #Soulmates #Love #SoulFamily #Familia #Friendship #TribeOfGoofballs

💜🖤💛💚💕💟💞💗💖

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copyright © 2019 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. Excerpts and quotes from the material also require consent. This authors’ work and personal photos are protected under U.S. and International copyright laws. Further protection is under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in an extremely bizarre reality, I was in a relationship I should not have been in. The warning signs were there, but some people burn so brightly that you don’t seem to notice you’re going up in flames and turning to ash. Immensely large red flares of danger were being sent up so I wouldn’t get burned. Did that stop anything? Not so much.

He was the quintessential “bad boy”, complete with motorcycles, fancy sports cars, tattoos, multiple drug addictions, and a boatload of issues. Maybe the maternal, nurturing aspect of me wanted to fix or heal him. I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m thankful every single day that it is no longer a part of my life.

Initially there was no reaction or emotion from me towards him. He was just a guy, a guy all kinds of women fell for, but I prided myself on not adding myself to the throng of fools. Until one day, when I was seemingly drawn in like a moth to a flame. Except I wasn’t a moth, I was a butterfly, and yet, I suddenly had to have him. The pull was intense. He was crazy about me; The only person who challenged him, who questioned everything, and who was not impressed by anything. The problems though, they were simmering under the surface, just waiting to come out, one by one.

They started relatively early. I had never been told I was “too skinny” before. Even as a former gymnast that had experienced bouts of bulimia on & off for about two years after realizing that I’d never be an Olympic anything. I did not consider myself “too skinny” or “too” anything, really. I had the mouth of a Marine on leave, a writing career that had taken off in an amazing way, and a guy who told me he loved me, but to this day probably doesn’t know the meaning of the word. You’ll find him in the dictionary, somewhere between the words “Douchebag”, “Hypocrite”, and “Liar”, providing you’ve opted for a Webster’s upgrade.

His career allowed me the independence and space that I like in a relationship. I can’t have someone in my face 24/7, nagging, or standing over my shoulder like a watch dog. It drives me insane. He respected that, until the possessive behavior became more than just one or two phone calls a day. At first it seemed like he was going out of his way to surprise me and brighten aspects of my life, but that wasn’t it. Not at all.

The man could spit out promises just as quickly as he broke them, I just didn’t know he was trying to break me in the process.

The criticism I endured throughout the course of this relationship was harsher than what I dealt with from my family, and even though I had a comeback for everything he said, the words still haunt me…

I went from being vibrant, smart, confident, & 100% in control to depressed, unhappy, paranoid, angry, & jealous. I was reduced to questioning why I was somehow not good enough for him. It was irrational and insane. There was always an inner voice telling me “He’s not good enough for you. What are you doing? This man is poison. Tell him to go to hell and walk away.”

I remember crying one night to my best friend at the time, after a particularly shitty thing he’d lied about. Here I was, the strongest, toughest, most direct chick people knew, asking “Why would he lie to me like that? Why would he lie about something so important? Why am I not good enough for him?” I was devastated by the pathological way in which he’d lie.

My best friend consoled me quietly, basically saying she didn’t know why he had lied or why he would, but months later she told me I was “Too smart, too pretty, and all around way too good for the likes of him!” She was furious that he would hurt me in such a manner and then behave as if all was right in the world, and her anger continued to fuel when he showed up at a work event we all attended with a married woman on his arm. “A friend”, he’d called her. More like a drug supplier he’d hooked up with. He was spiraling and wanted to take me with him, but I would not allow that.

For the record, I was already ass deep in alligators when I realized how big an issue the drugs actually were because they weren’t an issue at the onset. It went from being an old football injury to being an all-consuming, problem-inducing, complete lack of grip on reality. It started out small, as many addictions do, and escalated until it had to be confronted. I did not condone it in any way and refused to support the habit. I was not going to be in a relationship with an addict, period. I was the catalyst to get him into rehab, explaining in list formation all that he would lose if he did not get clean. But as most people can tell you, 30 days in rehab will detox you, it might even get you to talk about why you got into it in the first place, but it’s every single day after leaving a protected environment that matters most. If you have people who love & support you, you have a greater chance at remaining sober. You might slip up, recovery is going to be a constant for the rest of your life, but the effort you put forth is SO important. However, if you immediately return to the same lifestyle and friends you had during the height of your illness, it will revert you right back into it at some point, especially if you have no real desire to be clean, no willpower, and no real desire to live. It’s a way of committing suicide slowly, secretly hoping that one day it’ll all be over and you don’t personally have to do the heavy lifting, or deal with the aftermath.

Part of what saddens me about the relationship itself is that I defended, protected, and shielded this man. I was the epitome of devoted and loyal to the Nth degree. My love was genuine, and yet I was constantly criticized, going as far as to be told that I wasn’t good enough to be introduced to his parents, who for years, he told me were dead. I’d later find out he only wished they were. Our differing religions was the reason given when I questioned why I was somehow “not good enough” to meet his parents. Who the hell were these people? England’s Monarchy?! How isolated and ignorant were they to think their religion was the only one that existed in this world?! This was not the first time someone had taken issue with my religion and tried to make me feel guilty for it. I was considered “not Jewish enough” by one guy’s family, and now I was being made to feel like I was somehow inappropriate and shameful. And the worst part? He wasn’t religious, AT ALL. 

Suddenly, after years of knowing our religions were different, it became this big issue, and we fought about it a lot. Would I be willing to convert to Roman Catholicism? HELL NO. Would I sign a pre-nup? Whoa, where the hell did THAT come from?! You want to marry me. You’ve asked, I’ve accepted, but now you’re afraid I suddenly want to be with you for financial gain? Are you serious?! Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve always taken care of myself. He knew that. I don’t expect a man to pay for my lifestyle. I’m fully capable of making my own money, buying my own clothes, jewelry, etc.  I think you should want to take care of your partner and be a provider, but relationships are give and take. I did not expect to sit on my ass and be given anything, so I waffled back and forth on that little tidbit. It is a deal breaker if it’s not a document protecting both of us.

The ever-present “Would you please eat?!” grated on my nerves. He’d bring me food for several years of our relationship, but not in a loving, caring, concerned way (I do like it when I’m sick and a guy has the sense to bring me soup or Italian food. There’s something very nurturing about that.), but in an extremely controlling manner. As soon as I gained about 15 pounds from this constant influx of food, I was suddenly told the exact opposite. Now I wasn’t thin enough, I was becoming the woman who he didn’t want anyone else looking at. What was so shameful about being curvy? He’d have a fit whenever we’d be somewhere and someone else would check me out. I was not the one doing the looking, yet he was suddenly paranoid that anyone who checked me out was somehow going to end up in my bed. It was eye-rollingly ridiculous.

He’d do something shitty, and I’d be “rewarded” with jewelry or flowers, sometimes both, depending on the situation. It got to a point where I began to loathe the pink & purple roses I loved so much. To this day if someone sends me roses, I cringe inside. He would promise to be somewhere I needed him to be, but was almost always off feeding his drug habit, or as I would later find out through a friend, a habit for other women.

It was demanded upon me that I be 100% faithful. That was not an issue because I’d never cheated on someone and wasn’t about to start, but because he was the one doing all the cheating, he started having people follow me to find out what I was doing every time I left the house. Stalker much?! It was sick. It was also an excuse.

I’d had enough after confronting someone he often had tail me, and I put my foot down. I’m not big on ultimatums, but he needed to hear what his behavior was doing, that it was unhealthy and damaging, and completely unwarranted and unacceptable. It came down to this: He needed to return to rehab, fully commit to it, and he then needed to be clean & sober for a year before I would agree to marriage. It was time for him to prove that he was worthy of me, not the other way around.

He went to rehab for a few months, coming back apologetic, and for a while things were simply tense. We talked, but clearly he was refusing to hear me. He was about to do something he’d probably been considering for quite some time, and simply hadn’t been man enough to say to my face. With marriage promised, it probably made me believe a slew of lies I was too smart to actually buy into in the first place, but there was something slightly blinding & intoxicating about it. But the truth of the matter is, it was just plain toxic.

The problem with relationships slowly turning abusive is that, initially, we think we’re in the right relationship with the right person, until suddenly, we’re not.

For years after this relationship ended I’d hear “Oh, LET IT GO!” whenever I mentioned how hurt, angry, or betrayed I felt; as if emotions could be turned on and off like a faucet. How could I not feel all of those things?! Saying “I love you” is not a cure-all. Actions speak louder than words. His actions were atrocious.

With a ring solidly on my finger, he married someone else, just weeks after saying we were good and moving in the right direction, that he was trying. I had to find out via an announcement his new wife was sending to friends & family. She was pregnant before they even said “I do.” He would go on to have several children with her, each time choosing names we had decided on for our future offspring. That was the icing on the cake. I seriously worried about my ability to be around him in any capacity after that, so I disengaged. I made sure that whenever he’d be around, I would not be present. Hurting someone you claim to love in such a manner is vile, but to then go on living your life as if said loved one never existed is even worse. I started to think I was losing my mind. If it had not been for the fact that I knew the relationship had occurred, and exactly what I had endured, I’d have felt like I was being erased, or replaced.

Up until a few years ago, he & I continued to have mutual friends. I finally got tired of hearing the lies and cut everyone off. “He asked about you.”, “He hopes you’re all right. He just wants you to be happy.”, “He cares about you.” PLEASE! He never cared in the first place, it was a fucking game to him. No matter how many times I would ask these friends not to relay anything he said about me, it would come up in conversation, until I finally changed my phone number and said “No more.”

Not one to eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork, I have gone out of my way to avoid him since all of this went down. I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I didn’t do anything wrong, except believe in a person I shouldn’t have given the time of day to, but hey, we all make mistakes. Avoiding him is my way of remaining a healthy, non-toxic human-being.

I know eventually, at some point, we will run into one another, and I pray that I am not carrying a loaded weapon that day or wearing particularly high heels because even though people tell me I’m not a damaging, harmful person to be around, and that I’d never willingly hurt someone, I cannot promise the desire to harm him won’t be there. Some of the rage goes away with time, but any time the relationship is mentioned or I come across something from that time period, I am flooded with everything I thought I’d already moved past. For me, that lets me know the damage runs deep. It does not, nor will it ever, mean that I care about him. I don’t. I wouldn’t spit on this man if he was on fire.

Once I no longer love/respect someone, my emotions will often turn to pity, anger (at myself & the other person involved), & my anger is a burning rage that can simmer and bubble for years until it is truly out of my system. If the anger is unjustified, it eventually dwindles and the flames put out, but if it IS justified, stay the hell out of my way. I can go from zero to bitch in about half a second.

Unfortunately, there are so many different kinds of abuse in the world, that it’s sometimes hard to pinpoint if you are the abused or the abuser. Sometimes you are simultaneously both, even if you don’t intend to be.

Writing this makes me feel a bit like I’m back in Psych class, but I’ve been revisiting certain things lately, which is why I am writing about such a personal, private matter. If what I’m saying helps even one person get out of a toxic relationship, then that’s important and necessary.

If you’re in any kind of relationship where your words and feelings are being defined in an incorrect manner, where you are constantly insulted and berated, it is time to take a closer look at this relationship. Thinking this person is “the best you can do”, having low, little, or no self-esteem, or coming from a “people pleasing” type of family are all potential signs you’ve probably overlooked. Most people do. When you’ve been taught that everything around you is “normal” and a part of your daily life, you stop questioning things. You begin to lose your inner voice. Once you lose your inner voice, you start to become everything the abuser has defined you as. Your thoughts, feelings, actions, everything is now completely defined by someone else. Moreover, you question yourself and promise yourself you’ll be better for them, that you will do everything right, not realizing that your life is your own, and it is not owned by someone else.

I am a product of abuse. Not just from the relationship I am talking about, but from my childhood. I am very forthcoming about that fact when approached, but generally I keep such things to myself. However, when a person comes to me and needs help, I am the first person to listen, and the first to say something.

For many, many years I handled the abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical) by throwing myself into my writing and my singing. One day I snapped; I’d had enough. I was 100% committed in the fact that I’d kill the other person and spend my life in jail, but I believed in my cause because I was protecting two other people. I took the brunt of everything so they wouldn’t have to. To this day, one of those people denies that 99% of the abuse ever occurred. It must be nice living in such a warped bubble of false memories, but I know what I lived, I know what I saw, and it is sad for me to see this person deny the abuse and become the abuser themselves. If you correct this person, or disagree with them, they will say YOU are abusing THEM. It’s a vicious cycle, however, I know that by standing up and saying ENOUGH, and being committed to putting a stop to it, that I did the right thing. If I hadn’t, I’d be in jail now. Or worse.

People are often shocked to learn that I’ve been through such things. I don’t deny being strong and confident, and I don’t deny that I will say something is wrong when it is wrong, regardless of who is saying it. I will admit to being wrong on the rare occasion that I am. But I will not allow myself to live a life of abuse. I won’t allow someone to define me, to disrespect me, to use me, to tell me what I think, to tell me where to go, or tell me what I am allowed to do. When someone behaves that way around me, I am very happy to show them the door. I know I deserve better.

I look for different things in people now, and I always pay attention to my intuition. It is an immense part of who I am. If someone or something seems too good to be true, then it probably is. If something feels innately wrong, re-evaluate it and follow your instincts. Intuition will never lie to you, but the heart will. If your relationship involves young children, get out NOW. You do not want your child/children to be affected by the abuse inflicted upon their mother in front of them. I know people who have stayed in these relationships because they believed that taking their children out of the home during the formative years was the worst possible thing they could do. It’s not. The worst thing you can do is stay and allow them to think that what they’re hearing, seeing, and living is normal. If you get out early enough, you will save yourself and your child/children a fortune in therapy bills.

Once upon a time, I was a moron. It won’t happen again, because I am firmly committed to not allowing it. No one defines me, except me.

*If you need help getting out of an abusive/unhealthy relationship or are living with domestic violence and don’t know where to turn please go to any of the following organizations for assistance: http://soarinri.org/  http://leavingabuse.com/, http://www.thehotline.org/, http://www.nrcdv.org/dvam/,http://www.teendvmonth.org/, etc.

Do not be afraid to search the Internet or the Yellow Pages for additional resources available to you in your area/country. If your abuser uses the same computer, always be sure to delete your browsing history to protect yourself from additional harm, or go to the library if available and search for information there.*

“Once Upon A Time”, and all material herein, unless otherwise indicated and credited to its owner(s), is copyright © 2013-2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

No, You’re Not Innocent

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I try very hard not to fly off the handle with people I love/like/respect, but every once in a while someone says something and they take no responsibility for what a comment implies. It’s perfectly okay to say “I don’t have time to talk at the moment, can we talk later?”, but it’s not okay to tell a person that they’ve “wasted their time with you” and blame you for their poor time-management skills. Especially when this is a sudden issue and has never come up before. If I don’t have time for something in the moment, I wait until I do. I don’t place blame on someone else for taking a few minutes out of my day, EVER (Unless it’s my brother, who torments me with irritating shit, but that’s another story.).

Like most people, I don’t like being accused of things I haven’t done and would never do. No one wants to be accused of heinous shit and then be called “sweetie”, “dear”, etc. It’s passive-aggressive and it pisses me off.

When a comment implies that you’re A) A drug dealer, B) a prostitute, or C) a white-collar criminal, all within the confines of the words “This is how you acquire legal income.”, you either re-read the words to make sure you haven’t hallucinated or had a stroke, or you say WHAT.THE.FUCK?! That comment is directly insinuating that my income is somehow illegal. There’s no getting around that, it’s a loaded comment. When you know you’re the absolute OPPOSITE of those things, tell me you wouldn’t flip out on the person saying the idiotic crap. If you’d let it slide, please exit stage door left. I don’t like, appreciate, or respect doormats.

My immediate response was nearly “Go fuck yourself.”, which I decided not to use as my actual reply. However, I did put the other person in their place and turn my phone off. I decided it was best to take a nap and try to let it go because there are some things you simply do not say to me, not if you like living.

I don’t want to hear ANYTHING this person has to say because I cannot unhear or unsee what was said, and there was a lot said. There are some things in life that you cannot apologize for, and I am not a “sweep it under the rug” kind of chick. I’ve made it clear in all of my relationships that if you cross certain lines with me, there’s no going back. This was a HUGE fucking line.

Insinuating things that aren’t true implies some pretty negative views against who I am as a person, especially when I’ve never been anything but good to them. I will not stand for that kind of disrespect.

Somehow, this magically became all about them and not about what THEY said. It was more along the lines of “How dare you speak up for yourself. I feel SO disrespected!” Excuse me?! I’m not the one insinuating negative crap. God No, you’re not selfish or self-absorbed AT ALL…despite the fact that you turn every single thing ever said into the ‘You Show’. 

When you say something wrong, you apologize. You don’t turn it around on the other person and make yourself into the victim. If ever I am in the wrong, I have no trouble admitting it. Sometimes we don’t see that we’re potentially in the wrong, sometimes it takes a few days to realize the impact it may have had on the other person, but in this particular instance, I know that I am right.

I immediately replied “Are you implying that I am somehow illegally acquiring income? Because if you are, that is low.” I said it yesterday morning and turned the phone off before I said something truly awful. I have a temper, it’s not a secret. The same fiery passion and loyalty that will defend you to the death can turn against you if you cross a line with me. I make no apologies for it because I am honest about it upfront. I’ve never downplayed that side of who I am. When someone pushes on every last nerve I’ve got, I am going to push back, but believe me when I say, the person in question didn’t even get a bug bite compared to what I can actually achieve through words and actions. If I truly want to hurt you, I have the power to do so, but I use my power wisely because viciousness isn’t a daily requirement. Taking the nap was for me, and for the other person’s overall safety, but I was under no circumstances going to let that comment fly.

Last evening, the text messages started flowing in over my incredibly benign “clarify yourself” question. For over a fucking hour. I nearly laughed at the manic ridiculousness of it all. If you want to start a fight with me, you will not win. I have a skill-set and it is not one-dimensional.

Sadly, the person sending the messages has exactly one skill-set. They will get defensive and say all kinds of ridiculous crap, and later back down because they “don’t want to fight”. Well, then shut the fuck up and don’t start shit. It’s really quite simple. Communicate like an adult or don’t bother. I know four year olds with better texting and communication skills!

If you’re guilty of spelling words via text message improperly, you had better have some kind of bizarre character limit on your texting plan or an I.Q. that matches your shoe size because there’s no way I will accept it unless you’re between the ages of 10 and 16. I will absolutely NOT accept it if you’re over 30. “Ur, “U”, “2”, and “B” will drive me bonkers over time. I have a swiping app on my phone for texting. It’s free, so anyone can use it. It means my ability to go to 400+ characters is nearly as fast as I type on my laptop, and I don’t shorten words, not even the word “okay”. Auto-correct is a bitch at times, but I’ve definitely expanded its’ horizons over the past seven months.

I decided to ignore most of the texts between 5:00 and 7:00 PM. I replied a few times to say “This is inappropriate for texting, I will discuss this with you when you’re able to communicate with me properly.” The accusations kept flowing. Using my words against me, which was done by re-typing my text back to me, was one of the most comical things I’ve seen this week. My response was “That’s your big defense? I’m not even going to engage you on that.” Why? Because it is childish and ridiculous. I know what I said and when I say “I nearly told you off because of what you said, but I held back.” and the other person gets pissy about it, I don’t need a never-ending soliloquy about how difficult your life is…all of a sudden. At that point, I become completely immune to your drama. Once again I responded by saying “I will discuss this with you at a later date.” I turned my phone off and that, for me, was it. I figured the conversation could continue by phone this weekend, or via e-mail, or really, not at all. I am pissed and I don’t currently have it in me to be nice.

When I woke up this morning there were two new messages. It started off with “I don’t want to fight with you.” I’d said in one message that their anger was misplaced and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for this person being angry at someone else. That’s only fair. However, if you don’t want to fight with me, don’t start a fight.

If you’ve known me for a year, two years, ten years, or twenty years, then you KNOW that pushing my buttons is going to unleash the beast. At this point, you know full well that snotty comments, insipid questions, being nosey, telling me what to do, how and when to do it, and/or talking down to me is going to have an effect. You can’t temper rude comments with “honey”, “sweetie”, “baby”, “dear”, or “I love you.” I am not receptive to that. It’s absolute bullshit to me, plain and simple.

I didn’t respond to the new texts because I want some space before I get into it again, despite the fact that I shouldn’t have to rehash it. Alas, I get an e-mail with the contents of the two text messages “Just in case I didn’t check my phone…” Are you kidding me with this shit?!

The nicest thing I could say this morning is “I read the texts when I woke up this morning. There’s a reason I didn’t respond. I need some time before I say anything, and I hope you can understand that.”

I am not going to waste an entire day on the phone this weekend discussing this crap. I am not going to respond to any additional text messages. Until I calm down and this person’s incessant mania stops, they are persona non grata. I have enough going on in my life, I don’t need additional drama on top of it.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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I’d Hoped For A Thunderstorm

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For every weather site and app that predicted thunderstorms last night into today; I am not happy with you. Deliver your predictions, lest people start believing that you “cold read” the weather to begin with and aren’t actually looking at all the colorful charts and fancy equipment you like to show us and claim is being used to “detect storms in the area”. Cat and kitten are better at predicting the weather accurately, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Has anyone else felt the intensity of this full moon? I’ve been ready to outright harm someone since about mid-day. Mind you, I’m very in tune with the elements, so that might have something to do with that. Moreover, some people are assholes and do not deserve the attention, and yet, people are wandering around the interwebs today causing drama and trying to place blame on others. Intelligent people with intelligent comments and opinions are not a part of the “clique of the dumb”. Everyone wants to be something that they’re not, and yet they all feel as though they’re a special part of an extremely large crowd. Ask me how many people I’ve had to block today…because the number is astounding. Simply put; I will not engage with morons. You get one chance with me and if you blow it, I’m done. Plus, I’m still trying to cope with the Polyamory group that somehow sought me out (I don’t get it, but to each their own. Obviously I’m not ignorant, I fully know what it is, etc., it’s just not my personal cup of tea.). I can barely tolerate one person at a time, you want me to add MORE people to my love life?! Clearly, the “invite” was sent to the WRONG Lisa Marino. This one is too busy today, tonight, and every day until I die. Try me in the afterlife, maybe I’ll entertain the notion then, which is precisely when I suspect I will be bored. At least Walmart was happy to send me a message about a whistling tea kettle. If only their site-to-store time wasn’t so long. They say it’s not, but I once waited nearly four months for an item I ordered that was only supposed to take two weeks. That item now sits in my laundry room, clean and unused because it is way too heavy for my bed and I suspect cat and kitten would claw it to bits.

Is it terrible that all I want to do is watch the basketball game and eat dinner? I tried taking a nap earlier and HE annoyed me in his search for a screwdriver to “fix a belt”. I’m not sure how fixing a belt equates to “Do you have any clear nail polish?”

I get asked the oddest questions.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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It’s Friday, Let’s Celebrate!

We know where you live Mommy, and it is not beneath us to display our utter cuteness for you to gain food, treats, or head scratches.
We know where you live Mommy, and it is not beneath us to display our utter cuteness for you to gain food, treats, or head scratches.

I have no idea why Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have become my favorite days of the week, but lately, I just can’t handle week days. Does anyone else feel like this?

I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been in a lot of pain and have required way more sleep than any single person my age should need (Still young, still fabulous. 😛 ). I work and then I look at the time, realizing that I’ve done a lot in short bursts of time, but that now that I’ve gotten work done, it’s time to close my eyes “for a little while”. The next thing I know, the day is over. I wake up from that brief little “nap”, check the time, and my cat and kitten are wrapped around each other. Apparently some kind of love fest goes on when I’m down for the count. I almost always have to be in bed and half asleep or completely out of it before they go into “love mode”.

Passive, sweet cat. Troublesome, but incredibly loving kitten. (You can see their photos on my About page.) They’re good for each other and they’re good for me, because without them, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. There are many mornings when they’re both pacing around me, marking my face with theirs (kitten does this), to encourage me to go downstairs and give them breakfast. If that doesn’t work, they start bringing toys into the bed. I have no idea where either of them are, but I know that if the food is not delivered in a timely fashion, they will try to curry my favor with gifts. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve both placed gifts in my bathtub as a reminder, as if I’ve ever forgotten to feed them.

I’m VERY lucky, they’re relatively well-behaved and sweet. They’ve got attitude, but mostly, they know that they are loved and safe. When I’m in a terrible amount of pain, one or both of them will get into bed as soon as I’m comfortable and either lay by my feet or by my head, and they do not move until they see me calm down and fall asleep, and even then, I still wake up with them close by. There is a sweetness to that which makes me emotional at times. My cat is a lot less openly loving than my kitten, but I have a bond with both of them and I see how they call for me and come to visit me when I’m working. Basically, I get treated like one of them. Perhaps this is why they often place toys under my butt and then try to bite me awake. Sassy’s been doing this since she was a baby, and at 19 months, it wasn’t that long ago that she was the ruler of the roost and tiny, aggressively shoving me awake and demanding food constantly. Now that there are two little beasts, I have them on a schedule. She’s no longer interested in most games (my little one wants to play, but also self-entertains), but is happy to bite my feet or grab my ankle for a nip if she’s feel froggy.

Now that Miss Sass has a constant playmate, she’s no longer ripping me to shreds and biting me. Her breed isn’t known for a lot of verbal communication, so she spent ten months aggressively hurting me several times a day until I found her the perfect little companion. It was NOT love at first sight. It took about a week or so, and they slowly became obsessed with each other. Mini is also incredibly obsessed with me, but she’s still a baby.

☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤

What else is going on? Oh, yes! Because I’m a total hypocrite (And honest enough to admit it.), I am back on Facebook. My original account is still up in the air. Facebook and I have exchanged countless e-mails, and nothing has been worked out, so I waited a while and established a new account. I intentionally linked it to my cell phone which somehow authenticates that I am indeed a “real person” and not the countless things I was accused of in all of their e-mails back in January. If you want to pal around with me, let me know and I will send you my new hypocritical info.

Speaking of which, Facebook has changed quite a bit since I was gone. I am pretty sure someone peed in everyone’s coffee this morning because for every 30 people who liked something I said, I had one person go ballistic. To avoid future problems, I’m keeping a low profile. However, when subjects are open for discussion and you don’t know a person, I think it’s crucial not to call them “OCD” or “rude”, especially since you’re clearly not understanding the context. I was called both this morning by two absolute idiots. Mind you, gutless wonders like to hide behind their computers and spew horse shit.

My first thought was “Go fuck yourself!”, but I decided not to lower myself to their levels. Second, throwing obsessive compulsive disorder around as some sort of joke or insult is incredibly rude, and when one is not a healthcare professional, one has no right to say that to someone they do not know and have never met. That actually IS rude. Disagreeing with someone isn’t rude, we’re all entitled to do so.

I’m a supportive writer. I’m going to be honest, polite, and concise because that’s how I am. I’ve NEVER been rude on Facebook or any form of social media that I am aware of. If anyone has ever read my work and deemed me rude, then that was YOUR perception and not the facts. I’m not Ms. Sweetness & Light, I do not throw rainbows at you, nor do I shoot sugared unicorns when one deserves venom.

There is a fine line between sharing thoughts and being a bitch. I don’t bring out the bitch side unless it is warranted and I don’t do it on Facebook because I have a professional reputation to uphold. If I wouldn’t say something to your face, then I certainly wouldn’t say it behind your back or in a public forum. That’s not how I operate.

People like to throw my astrological sign into play in their “defense” quite a bit, but the truth is, I’m a pretty controlled Scorpio female. I might not always have been, but I learned a long time ago to get the negative aspects under control or they would control me. Lesson learned, and once broken of those habits, I did not return to them.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That’s a load of shit. Words can hurt, they do hurt, and people throw them out there like it’s no big deal. I’m known for my “say anything” policy, but there ARE things I absolutely won’t say because I have morals, dignity, manners, self-respect, and boundaries. Some things are so below the belt that you simply don’t go there. You can think them, but then you must let them go because that kind of negativity breeds more negativity, and it’s unhealthy.

More and more, people are offended by anything and everything, but they care little for who THEY might offend. They have no manners or coping mechanisms for difference of opinion or basic relationship skills. Junior high school drama wasn’t cute in junior high school, and I won’t tolerate it as an adult. By all means, disagree with me. That’s fine. If you don’t know the context in which I mean something, don’t assume, ask. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Overall, I’m glad to have the account for my cousins and the few real friends I have, and for specific things that I’ve discussed here many times, but outside of that, I realize that I don’t miss it and that it’s a terrible waste of time. Who knew I’d grow to love Twitter?! By the way, thank you Lillian for suggesting it, and for clearly being a friend to me when others are full of crap (Link to her blog is attached to her name.). You go away for less than two months and you actually find out who your REAL friends & family are, both on and off social media. How utterly pathetic. True colors are shining bright and a lot of people are chicken-shit yellow. C’est la vie.

Also, there is a brand new blog, started by one of my best friends, that I am going to be interviewed for. I will make sure the link goes up ASAP.

And on that note, I hope you all have a lovely weekend. If you’re an NCAA fan, I hope you’re cheering for my team tonight in the Sweet 16. 🙂 GO DUKE!

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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