Author’s Note: This Is Not A Limited Edition List

1) You’re a woman without any real female friends.

Despite claims that “women are dramatic” or “every woman is a bitch” or “Men are so much easier to get along with.”, it just goes to show me that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Yes, women can be lots of negative things: Catty, bitchy, back-stabbing, fake, unpleasant, miserable, disrespectful, fat-shamers… The list goes on. Ultimately they can also be incredibly FABULOUS, LOYAL, GENUINE, LOVING, NURTURING, SUPPORTIVE, and empowering to have in your life.

I love a good man, I appreciate and respect the few that exist, but I’m not going to drop the incredible, inspirational women in my life simply because men exist. Good friends don’t grow on trees. Don’t throw away a quality friend or you might never get another one again in your entire life.

2) You’re an iPhone user…mainly because you follow trends.

Only one person is excused from this statement, and that’s because I love him (and I’ll pretend to ignore the other Mac products that cause me to roll my eyes on the daily). I will also excuse some of my friends from this statement because they’re my friends and I’d take a bullet for them. However…

The majority of iPhone users simply do not know how to put the fucking phone down. Yes, some Android users are just as bad, but I’ve done a head count over the last five years and it’s predominantly iPhone users that are unbelievably obsessed with their phones.

If you happen to be one of these people, take a good, long look at your phone habits. If the phone is constantly in your hand and you cannot live without it (i.e. It’s the first thing you reach for when you wake up in the morning.), try turning it off for a week. Throw that fucker in a drawer and lock it. Quiet, isn’t it? It’s amazing how nice life is without a phone for a week, or longer. You might actually find yourself doing something productive, like calling a person and hearing their voice instead of texting them.

Also, please stop taking calls at the nail salon, hair salon, and/or spa. No one (and by no one I mean me) wants to hear about your STD’s (Yes, this happened. The woman was sitting in a pedicure chair. I actually watched the nail tech put on a second pair of gloves, an absolute FIRST.) or any other private matter. It can wait. And please, DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE.

3) Your stories don’t add up.

Sometimes people tell me stories, but over time, the story changes and changes and becomes nothing like the original story. Eventually, my sixth sense starts to tingle that even the original story is nothing but bullshit, and that’s providing you somehow got past it to begin with.

4) You lack the ability of keeping your word on the most basic of things.

Does this really need an explanation?

5) You have no sense of humor and do not laugh or smile at anything, ever.

If you don’t get MY sense of humor, you’d best move along before you hurt yourself. If you can’t laugh, be it at yourself, crazy situations, a cute baby, or the puppy down the street doing tricks, then you either need a good cry or a good kick in the ass. Life is difficult without laughter.

6) You make every situation solely about you.

The world does not revolve around you. Use something other than the words “Me, Myself, and I”. When someone is suffering, it ISN’T about you. It’s about helping the other person.

7) Nothing about you is real, and it shows.

Some people fake everything: Laughter, orgasms, happiness, accomplishments. The list is endless, really. I don’t care if you have breast implants, or if you’ve had a nose job, just don’t be a fake person. Yes, it’s that simple. I can accept you if you accept yourself and you’re genuine, even if you’ve been getting Botox for non-existent wrinkles since you were 20.

8) You’re bothered by the success of others.

It is NOT beneath me to tell my friends and loved ones when I am proud of them. If someone tells me about a book being published, an article being published, a radio interview, a new job, cutting out negativity from their life, etc., then I am one of the first people to say “I am SO happy for you.” or “I’m proud of you.” And I mean it, genuinely. What I say to your face is precisely what I say to others, which means you don’t ever have to question my role in your life, however little or much. Ask my friends if you don’t believe me.

9) You’re blatantly selfish.

It’s an unattractive trait. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, it’s ugly.

10) You’re a know-it-all.

There is nothing wrong with being intelligent and knowing your shit, but no one is right all of the time. Get over yourself.

11) You’re an epic douchebag.

Some people are assholes. I’m not talking about your average, every day asshole. I am talking about the kind that can shit out a watermelon with ease (Justified Writers, I do not appreciate the lack of royalties for using my line during the series finale. Cut me a check!). Please, DON’T be an asshole and even more, don’t be an epic douchebag. Only an idiot thinks it’s acceptable. I find it reprehensible when a woman behaves as badly as a man, or worse.

12) You’ll cut someone off just to sit at the same red light as everyone else.

Honestly, I’m amazed you haven’t been beaten to death with a tire iron. That is fucking DANGEROUS. It’s easier, not to mention safer, to change lanes and go behind a person, as opposed to behaving as though life is a NASCAR race.

13) You openly claim to “hate” an animal.

We’re not all born animal lovers. That’s okay. However, saying that you “hate dogs” is a very strong statement, especially since I’ve discovered that most people are simply afraid of the animals they claim to “hate”.

I’m not a dog person, but I don’t hate them. I do, however, find some of them noisy and invasive, and I am not walking any animal at 3:00 a.m. in single digit temperatures.

I’m a cat person, but I don’t love every single cat I meet, or I wouldn’t be able to see a thing in my home except litter boxes and fur. I’m not a fan of snakes, but unless it’s venomous or about to harm someone, I’m probably going to 1) Remove it or 2) Leave it be.

I don’t want to be stung by a bee, but I’m not going to kill one unless it poses a threat to someone who could go into shock by being stung, or my cats start jumping the walls to chase it (This only happened once and the person on the other side of the door WOULD have gone into shock if she’d known I was on a ladder killing it to protect her because she was deathly allergic.).

One of my next door neighbors loudly declared that she “hates cats” (The very same neighbor who I haven’t spoken to in over a year because of the crap she pulled with me.). Her husband told me that she’s terrified of them. Well, that explains why she’s a bitch and pets every puppy and dog that comes across her path. It also explains her behavior towards her husband. However, I’m not responsible for every outdoor cat that comes around and terrifies her. I would, however, like to walk a hungry leopard down the street, just to show her the difference between a wild animal and a domesticated cat. I would have said tiger or lion, but in all fairness, she’s prey and leopards aren’t complete savages.

14) Manners elude you, and some of you think your manners are exemplary.

How hard is it to be polite? Hold a fucking door for the person behind you, say “Good Morning”, let someone ahead of you on-line at a store, and unless I am visibly 90 years old, don’t ever call me “Ma’am”. This is not the deep South.

15) You can’t cook (This doesn’t apply to people I know really well.).

I understand if no one ever taught you. I also understand if you have absolutely no interest whatsoever, or no time to do so. BUT, let me know in advance and try to pay attention to the little things I do because you’ll learn something and be able to throw together a really nice meal if ever someone suggests you “cook for them” OR you ever decide to make something nice just for yourself.

It’s okay to cook a nice meal for yourself and enjoy it. For the record, no one has EVER complained at my table. They’ve asked for seconds, or thirds, but they’ve never complained (possibly for fear of their life).

I was not taught how to cook, but I watched my mother when I was little. She showed me all the safety measures, but always told me that if there was no “tam” (That means ‘taste’) to what I made, then I would be useless in the kitchen. Turns out, I inherited my Great-Grandmother’s cooking genes. Every time I close the kitchen for the night you will hear me say “Damn, I’m a good cook!” It’s not ego, it’s the ability to impress ones’ self.

I have made plenty of things for others that I was personally dubious about. In turn, I waited for their reaction because I refused to so much as taste the final product. The first time I made Tortilla Soup, it got rave reviews.

My best friend Stefanie thinks it’s sexy when a woman has knife skills in the kitchen. 🙂

16) You get offended that someone doesn’t “love” your favorite color.

How old are you?!

17) You actually had the audacity to name your newborn the same thing your best friend/sister/cousin has had picked out for her child/children, or the name they’ve already used.

This is a big one folks! I have seen families get into epic battles over this. I have seen people never speak to their best friend again for this sort of slight.

Selecting a name for a new life is a big decision, though if you look at most names in Hollywood, you’d think someone just vomited the name out, which is the only reason some of those horrific things get put on a newborn’s birth certificate. That or the parents are on something, and I’m not talking about a “kale high”.

I have a list. If you screw with it (and I will say that an ex took three of the names on my list that he was well aware of and named his children those exact names. I was LIVID. Yes, all three names have since vanished from “the list”.), don’t speak to me ever again.

When considering a name for a baby, make a list in advance. If that baby is born with your mDNA, give the kid a fighting chance and don’t break out anything that will torment your child as he or she gets older.

18) You “hate America”, but you’re more than happy to make your money off of Americans.

I’m talking to you, Ariana Grande. I’m also talking to people who aren’t American, but make a damn good living here. If you don’t like our culture, our patriotism, our food, or our people (liking our President is not mandatory. Hell, I don’t fucking like him!) then I strongly suggest you shut the fuck up, get on a plane, and not return.

19) People who drive with the sticker price still attached to their car. A car they’ve been driving for more than an hour, which let’s everyone know it’s not an error in judgment.

Really? Are you aware how infantile that is? There is not a single car on the road that is not an over-priced hunk of paint. I mean that from the bottom of my foreign car loving heart. You need not worry about impressing me with a vehicle. Impress me with who you are and how you treat me. That Audi…okay, the Audi can stay in my driveway. 😉 Please God, do NOT let it have a vanity plate.

20) You’re a writer who doesn’t read.

I don’t think that requires an explanation, do you?

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.