Honesty

Current Mood: Disturbed

Miss Poison Current Events , , , , ,

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It’s disconcerting to know that the state of Georgia has decided to reopen and force people back to work, in what will almost certainly be an issue with mass casualties. Just because your state hasn’t seen New York, Los Angeles, Boston, Washington State, Italy, Spain, or China numbers does NOT mean you are safe and that it will pass over you. No one is immune here. The ignorance is beyond astounding.

A nurse mentioned to me the other day that one of her patients is still testing positive seven weeks later. My doctor’s appointments this month are all via phone. I don’t know if my treatment next month will be rescheduled or if I’ll be allowed to go in, and naturally, it is a medical building and I have my concerns. If it’s not canceled, I can show up close to my appointment time and leave immediately afterwards, but I’ll still question the safety level of doing so. Unfortunately, once you’re in treatment for something this painful, you try very hard to stick to the schedule. I do not believe the hospital would intentionally put me at risk, but they’ve done damage to me before, so I am hesitant. However, a quick appointment is VERY different from DragonCon and letting people into hotels, restaurants, etc. I feel like it’s way too early for any of that and quite frankly, you could not get me to do it. I hope everyone participating uses common sense and gets this canceled. If ComicCon is canceled, then so should the smaller conventions (Boston and New York acted immediately to postpone theirs.). It is most assuredly not safe.

In other news, I’m still alive. Sort of.

Be well, folks.

Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)

Miss Poison Holocaust Remembrance Day, Yom HaShoah , , , ,

 

I take this moment to remember all of the people who were murdered during the Holocaust, including members of my family, where only a handful survived.

The Holocaust was not “just Jews”, but Gypsies, the disabled, the elderly, LGBTQ, and anyone who dared to speak up against the “process” of Hitler’s twisted ideas, including, but not limited to, their own people, as well. Ideas he shared with millions, including Muslims who agreed that Jews needed to be “eliminated”. This mindset is still living in 2020. Be careful what you believe about people when you aren’t certain where the hatred ever stemmed from.

Please know that people weren’t simply murdered. Millions were tortured, beaten, starved, shot, experimented on before they were killed, and the list of atrocities goes on and on. Women, children, men; the Nazi regime did not discriminate and they did not act alone.

We are experiencing dark times globally with a pandemic, but I’m going to remember to be grateful. For as imperfect and as broken as I am, as this world is, it is still repairable. We can still make the choice to do better, to be smarter, to be healthier, to be stronger, and to unite, instead of allowing hatred to divide us.

We may not all share the same views, but we can choose to be respectful of each other. May G-d keep you all safe, sound, and healthy. May the plague of Coronavirus steer clear of us all, for no one deserves to die alone.

Honor The Fallen. I always will.

lisa

Confrontation

Miss Poison Anger, False Friends, Friendship, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Anyone who has read my work for more than a month or two can likely tell you basic things about my character. My friends can tell you precisely who I am and what I stand for.

My own brother has described me as, “The last person I ever want to disappoint because you’re scarier than Mom and Dad combined. I’m more scared of your reaction than I am anyone else’s.” I was surprised to learn this, but it explains his behavioral patterns around me because he knows I see through all the bullshit.

Whenever someone describes me, these are the key words used: Honest. Loyal. She says precisely what she means; there’s zero sugarcoating involved. She’s not exceptionally forgiving, and that’s because she knows the difference between a mistake and patterns.

One of my own physicians said he knows I don’t hold back and he respects that because he sees other people do it and wonders what they aren’t saying, but never wonders with me because I’m not afraid to be forthcoming and extremely honest about everything. When I hear myself described like that, I know I am a solid person, regardless of what the occasional idiot may think or be stupid enough to say.

In life, forgiveness is something people have to earn. Once you break my trust, will I forgive you? Or will I listen, merely because I prefer closure? I suppose it depends on the person, but I am now faced with this in my real life.

Early this morning, something popped up in my Facebook memories that pissed me off. I was so angry for a moment, I saw red. Red is a warning sign. It’s like blood spatter to Dexter Morgan. Anger fuels me to be a better person, but that moment where I see red? That’s dangerous.

A former friend who made plans with me and then texted, weeks prior to arrival, to say her boyfriend had scheduled a private tour of the zoo the day we intended to meet up decided to pop back up with apologies. In truth and fairness, I baited her because I was enraged by what I saw.

When she had originally asked if I could make time during the month of May to meet up because she couldn’t wait to see me and missed me, I set an entire day aside, and not for nothing, it was the anniversary of my mother’s death which is SO hard for me. Lesson learned; I will never do that again, especially not for someone who flakes on me.

Quite frankly, I am astounded that anyone over the age of twelve, or someone studying certain forms of biology and/or science, would desire a tour of a zoo. 🙄 It breaks my heart to see animals in captivity. The only thing I do appreciate is the preservation of big cats. Leopards, certain types of tigers, cheetahs, and some of the smaller exotic cats are becoming extinct. This is not news, though. I don’t want to live in a world where these amazing creatures do not exist. I appreciate the wild preservation of their habitats in South Africa immensely, especially all the work being done in Namibia. However, that’s not what angered me.

It was not a change of plans, as she seems to believe, but the disrespect of my time and not immediately standing up to said boyfriend and letting him know that she already had plans that day. You can’t text me and say, “Just FYI, he scheduled a tour of the zoo that day. He’s trying to change it, but…” But nothing. I replied by saying, “I don’t even know how to answer that, so I won’t.” That moment, right there, is when you reschedule or call me about alternatives. You address it in the moment. Especially since she’s here at least 2-4 times a year to visit him.

The post in my “memories” credited me for the friend I am to her, and after deleting my initial response from two years ago where I stated that I’d always have her back, I let it be known that real friends learn how to apologize so they don’t lose their ride or die support system. She immediately replied with an apology and wanted to get into it. 😒 It’s pretty sad when someone waits and waits before they finally get called out. My anger was my error at seeing this proclamation which feels faker than a three dollar bill, and feeling as though a nearly eight year friendship was a total lie.

When a person says they were ashamed and too shy to contact you because they figured you needed time to forgive them, I find that a mixture of pathetic and laughable. I’m not a rabid beast; you just have to communicate properly. All she had to do was reschedule and be respectful of my friendship and time. That’s how adults resolve things. I would also love to know why she thinks I’m going to forgive her, because if you know me, you know forgiveness isn’t a likely scenario. I’ve got boundaries and self-respect.

Also, and this is important: I don’t permit men to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. Nor do I allow men to make decisions for me OR disrespect my friends and family. I’d sooner stick a fork in his thigh. I’m not someone’s mouthpiece or tool, and I do not suffer fools. I’m not some delicate little flower. I am a lotus.

If you’re in a controlling relationship, naturally that person doesn’t want you to be around friends who are loyal, honest, smart, make you laugh, and who, up until this occurred, I would have cheerfully shot in the leg and buried alive. I will never, EVER support a friend who chooses to remain in an abusive relationship simply because they see the abuse as a form of love. I assure you, I’ve lived it and witnessed it, and it’s NOT on the same plane of existence as love. Perhaps some beggars refuse to make the choice for themselves because they’re not strong enough.

An abusers’ ultimate goal is to isolate you from your friends and family almost entirely. The sad part is that so many people let the abuser win. If you confront that friend, suddenly you’re labeled as “jealous”. 🙄😂 No sweet pea, I feel sorry for you. No one sane wants to be in an abusive relationship, and I will absolutely give you credit if you have gotten out of one. By “you”, I mean whoever is reading this and nodding their head in agreement because they understand what I’m saying. They understand because they’ve escaped the madness and uncertainty of being in a relationship with a gaslighting, narcissistic, abusive, disrespectful jack ass.

Instead of letting this discussion become Facebook fodder, I replied by saying we should discuss it privately. I don’t do drama on my page at all. Also, I need time before I say anything, but I’m willing to hear the nonsense out. Perhaps I’ve already made my decision and DO want closure. I’m not entirely sure. In truth, I am still so angry that anyone thinks this is acceptable treatment of a friend who has been the highest quality friend one could have or hope for.

An old friend once said, “Lisa isn’t to be trifled with.”, and I think that sums things up nicely. People assume I’m nice, sweet, caring, kind, and a host of other things that nauseate me. Clearly, I have my moments and some good qualities or no one would ever be able to call me a friend, but the second you cross over the line, you’re going to meet the other side of me. The one I often refer to as “The Dragon Slayer”. When you meet that other person who is professionally icy, you might not know what to make out of her. That’s okay. She’s already seen you coming from a hundred miles away and she’s not in the mood to psychologically break you into bits, but she will, if necessary. Many women are as multifaceted as what I’ve just described. We can be your best friend, your biggest supporter, or we can be an enemy. The grey area is ambivalence. It always is.

When you call me your “sister”, that’s a fucking privilege. It’s not some cute word to throw around. Fact: I will always be someone’s sister. I was born a sister. I am a sister to my brother, and to several of my cousins. My best friend and I have basically grown up together, and she is 7000+ miles away. She is 100% my sister. 100% family. She wouldn’t dream of disrespecting our friendship in any way. She would never fly into town and NOT see me. She would never disrespect our friendship, our time, or our bond. I would never disrespect her, either. Alas, I now realize how one-sided this other “friendship” actually was.

I was the support system. The therapist. The one with a fully functioning brain. The one with the grace and maturity I’ve possessed for the majority of my life without truly seeing it until someone pointed it out to me recently. I got nothing out of this relationship, except the feeling that I was always on call, like a doctor. When communication stopped, I felt free. I felt like I hadn’t been able to breathe properly, and suddenly this drain on my life force was no longer present. I was relieved. I was done.

I don’t know if there’s anything salvageable here. The pretty words of apology and love are just that; they’re pretty fucking words that mean nothing to me. They are not the actions of someone who is truly sorry and apologized on their own. I forced it by calling her out, and she would have waited for me to make a move until she died if I hadn’t had that flare of anger. I can legitimately say nothing for the remainder of my life and be good with that. If you’re trying to play the silent treatment game with me, you will lose. It’s NOT a fucking game, it is real life. Friends are not expendable beings.

My closest friends often say, “You’re honest and direct, but you’re also supremely fair. So if someone has pissed you off or hurt you, they deserve whatever you dish out because they didn’t have any respect for you.” That acknowledgement and validation is like music to my ears because it’s pure and true.

I don’t do disrespect in my relationships. I don’t make plans and leave people hanging without a word. I will never intentionally flake out on you. I’m not rude and disrespectful. I will be on my best behavior when you drag the uninvited boyfriend along without telling me in advance. Basically that means I won’t poison his food or accidentally, on purpose, stab him in the neck when he says something disrespectful to you that makes me want to slap him while you sit there and take it. Ultimately, I’m YOUR friend, NOT his, and I reserve the right to judge him. 😉 #BarelyKidding

The one time I had a huge disagreement with a friend, I apologized because I was wrong, but the friendship was very much like this one. I realize that now. I overvalued it because to me, friendship is a commodity I don’t play games with. But there I was; the rock she was desperately holding on to, until a bigger rock came along and I was tossed aside like garbage.

I don’t like leeches and I really don’t like psychic vampires. They are referred to as such because they drain you. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. To the point where you eventually avoid them or cut them loose. Dealing with them causes disabling fatigue. Unfortunately, you can’t increase your iron intake and be good to go. The only way to stop the drain is to deny them access to you.

I have never seen any relationship successfully recover fully from disrespect and a breach of boundaries and trust. I’ve tried with one person in particular. Repeatedly. I inevitably decided five years ago that enough was enough and that if they came back tomorrow, I’d listen, but the friendship would still be over. Essentially, I feel the same about this situation. There’s no emotion involved at all, except the previously aforementioned ambivalence, and that’s no way to rebuild something, or start from scratch with. You can’t slap me and tell me you love me. It doesn’t work that way. It never has.

I’m in control of how accessible I am, so she will be sweating it out for as long as it takes me to be patient enough to listen without rolling my eyes. I make no promises, though.

I am not afraid of confrontation. Not even a little bit. I know who I am. I know where I’m coming from, and I know where I’m going. I can’t save every broken birds’ wings. That is not my job, nor is it a role I want to take on. I wear many hats, but it’s time to send the wrong people packing. They were never meant to be a part of my long-term tribe, and that’s okay. I’ve grown and changed, and the last thing I want to do is take on any type of false superhero aspect. In life, your ultimate, true savior is YOU. Grab a sword and take a stab at it. Please don’t wait for someone to rescue you on a white horse. This only exists in fairytales. Perhaps before you buy into such bullshit, you should read about faeries and learn something.

© 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 

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By the way, Peace Talks by Jim Butcher is now available for pre-order. FINALLY! Release day is July 14th. There, I promoted something for another writer. Jim’s a badass wordsmith who shares the same birthday as I do. Give him a shot, and start with Storm Front. You won’t be sorry. #DarkUrbanFantasy

A Splash of Humor, A Heap of Honesty

Miss Poison Honesty, Humor, Writing , , , , , ,

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Started a post early this morning that isn’t done yet. When a migraine threatens to birth enormous puppies of agonizing torture through your skull, you need to sleep and hope it’ll help. Unfortunately, I woke up and it was worse, so I left a message for my doctor’s office to get back to me. My abortive drug is failing me, so maybe my doctor can recommend a newer one. I’m pretty fed up with her inability to return a phone call in a timely fashion. Over six weeks isn’t even remotely close to acceptable.

I will try to finish what I’m writing ASAP. I’ve probably made my decision already in terms of what to do and how to handle the issue, but occasionally I appreciate mild input.

Tonight, my major plan is to make dinner, hydrate as much as humanly possible, and go to bed before 10:30. I think that’s fair because I have so much to do and lost today because I’m sick.

It’s important for people who don’t suffer from chronic pain to understand that sick days are NOT an, “excuse”. I’ve NEVER used my illnesses as an excuse for anything. An explanation? YES.

If you’re an obsessive compulsive, Type A personality, you probably need to learn that you’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. I don’t respond to outbursts, tantrums, and unacceptable rage behavior. I don’t respond to name-calling and accusations. Until I do, and then you’ll wish you hadn’t pushed this particular dragon. So when I say I’m sick and I’m trying to sleep, LET ME BE. My pain and suffering isn’t trying to inconvenience anyone. And if that’s how you think and you’re unable to comprehend true suffering, I strongly suggest you find yourself a good psychiatrist and therapist to help you work on your issues so you don’t dole out your tyranny over someone who is already doing the best they can. No one is implying you be a pushover, but pushing someone who is already sick enough means you’re adding to their pain. Is that REALLY who you want to be?

I hope you’re all well and doing the best you can given the circumstances. Today is day ten of my second round of quarantine. I pray this is resolved soon because this is a terribly unhealthy situation for so many of us. I’m glad to see companies stepping up to help with sanitizing and cleaning products, with producing ventilators, and all the people I know right now who are home sewing masks for their local or regional hospital staff. There are some damn good people out there doing their best.

Talk to you all soon.

Always,

lisa

 

Super Tuesday

Miss Poison Massachusetts, Writing , , , , , , ,

I took the morning to research a little more into who I inevitably chose to vote for tonight in the #MassachusettsPrimary. I had to consider my values into the checklist and see if anyone could meet even 60% of what’s important to me, from A to Z.

🚫 I will NOT publicly endorse anyone, EVER. I don’t feel it’s wise, nor is it anyone’s business. I can listen to anyone regarding their interests, but I have to make the best possible decision for me, for my family, for my future, as do we all.

🚫 I am not the woman who falls for bullshit. I am not the woman who supports hate in ANY community or faith. I will not support a lying “How do people fall for this shit?” kind of person. And I will not support anyone who doesn’t understand how our government works. You can’t just make it up as you go along.

🖤 As a registered #Independent, this is too important to grab the wrong ballot or jump on the wrong political actor. Ultimately, they all tell you what you want to hear.

There are so many important factors involved, so I hope we all did our best. This country MUST #DoBetter. You don’t get to bitch about things unless you actively participate. #SuperTuesday #Massachusetts #Vote

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Life-Changing Ability

Image Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes , ,

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Your goals and mine are probably quite different. Being able to change people’s lives through honest words is a quality few possess and even fewer actually use. I appreciate those of you who e-mail me after reading something I’ve written, regardless of timing, to tell me I stopped you from harming yourself or encouraged you to seek help.

I share my truth in order to help others, and sometimes I make people laugh. Sending you all the brightest of blessings, even if you aren’t deeply affected by the things I write.

We Remember 75

Miss Poison Holocaust Remembrance Day, Writing , , , , , , ,

https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/25/opinions/auschwitz-anniversary-recommit-never-again-lauder/index.html

Four of my relatives survived Auschwitz. Two of them were freedom fighters who saved thousands of lives. Many relatives went from concentration camp to concentration camp, until they were completely lost to us. If my numbers are wrong, I will come back and correct this, but these are the facts as I know them.
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Here’s the truth; the world at large ISN’T “pausing to remember”. That’s a political statement, it is NOT the truth.
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There are people in my own age bracket who don’t even KNOW what the Holocaust IS. They were never taught about it. And when you are told, “Six million Jews were exterminated”, that’s not an accurate depiction.
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In Belarus, Poland, Russia, Lithuania, and Ukraine (I have family ties to all of these countries.), there are still mass graves being unearthed. The body count is staggering. My cousin is an archaeologist and has been to some of these locations. She had to leave the first one because, after losing her Grandmother two and a half years ago, it was too much and she couldn’t stay and do her job. She was hysterical. It hit her hard as she was listening to her colleagues counting, and trying to figure out how many people were in this particular location. She called and couldn’t stop crying.
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The Holocaust was not, “Just Jews.” It was ANYONE who was branded as, “other”.  LGB, because back then there were no transgender people. Yes, as many as they could find. As many as neighbors would report in order to save themselves. Gypsies? Yes. The sick and elderly? Yes. They targeted pregnant women and shot them in the streets. They experimented on people like they were rats in cages. And that’s not even close to the deeper horrors. Many countries murdered their remaining Jewish population after the concentration camps were liberated. If Jews returned, they were killed. And to this day, they deny it, but many of us know the truth. Poland was one of the worst offenders, but not the only one.
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Please understand that this was not, “Just Jews.” Just some random killing spree. No. It was sickness borne out of hatred. This hatred is now in every major city, and many small towns. It has somehow survived far beyond the years of our history as a people. Attacks on Jews are in the news almost daily. People now seem to accept this as just another day. The only people who talk about it are other Jews. If I walked up to someone of another faith and shot them for no reason, I’d be in jail for the rest of my life. It would NOT be labeled as a hate crime. I have friends who have survived attacks that the police refused to label properly. For me, a hate crime is a hate crime. It isn’t about the color of your skin; it’s about right and wrong. Apparently some people don’t know the difference, and it is 2020. They should be ashamed, but they aren’t.
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The Holocaust was the ultimate hate crime (just like other forms of mass genocide). When we say, #NeverAgain, it’s because we mean it. Nothing silences the hatred targeting us quite like an armed Jew. Armed with knowledge, armed with intelligence, armed with self-defense tactics, armed with any number of things; weapons included. #JewsFightBack, and they also provide advanced technology (Look at the phone you are using. It’s Israeli technology.), advanced medicine, advanced medical treatment methods, actual cures, and their contributions to science, music, entertainment, health, and society at large is so much more. It is a legacy and a gift.

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So the next time you, regardless of faith, ask yourself about what you hear on the news or read in your paper, know that THIS Jewish woman has got your back. I do what I was raised to do; be a better person than I was yesterday. I’m color-blind until you give me reason not to be. I use my voice, because if ever there was a weapon, it’s the truth that comes out of my mouth. That will not stop.

If you read this until the end, my sincere thanks. 🙏 #NeverAgainStartsWithMe

copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino and Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Holding Pattern

Miss Poison Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , ,

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Almost two weeks ago, I fell. It was as if my right leg had been taken away for a minute or so. The aftermath left me wondering how bad my knee is, as well as my ankle and foot. I quietly reduced the ankle swelling, but I’ve also walked on broken bones in my foot and toes for months until the issue became something larger. If you were to look at x-rays of my feet, you would see healed fractures and probably some damage to repeatedly broken toes. They never heal perfectly, and I’ve smashed into two more times than I care to count. I no longer walk around barefoot. I’m lucky; they still look okay on the outside.

Last week, my doctor took me out of play. I was only allowed to be on my leg for important things, and not for long periods of time because I’m still limping. For me, the concern was that limping was putting undue pressure on my hip bones as I awkwardly toddled around. Painfully. He emailed me care instructions. Elevate. Ice. Heat, if need be, but mostly “Stay off of your leg as much as you can. Rest. Your body needs to heal. Your muscles need the break.” I was SO anxious and upset before calling, but his staff put me at ease and so did he.

Unfortunately, my body is taking a beating this month. There was a windstorm last Friday and as a result, the storm door blew out and when it blew back in, with me leaning down to grab a box at the door, it smashed into the top of my head. It was an insulting kind of whack. I’ve certainly experienced worse, but man, it was unkind.

This almost finished week had me stressed and unsettled. Monday I desperately needed more sleep than any individual should need. Tuesday I got a text at 6:30 in the morning and it was a person asking about my appointment. If I had slept another thirty minutes or so, I would not have made it to the scheduled appointment on time. I did, and because I had limped around over the weekend and helped bring groceries in up and down a flight of stairs, I found that my knee was sore, but I didn’t feel like it was broken, so I ran an errand because I had already found that I couldn’t get what I needed delivered. Trust me, if a company had been willing to send me same-day cat supplies (precisely in the order I need it in, which is slightly scrambled because I’ve got picky felines) and human food (I had a list on my phone and only returned with a few things. I just didn’t feel THAT great.), I would have stayed in my pajamas and waited for said deliveries. Alas, I paid for that move on Wednesday and Thursday when I wished I hadn’t fallen at all. I am not a good wounded person. I suppose no one is.

My ankle and foot, that spot where they meet? That’s where I did damage. I already knew it, because I can feel it, and my results after x-rays and a scan on Friday was tears to the Anterior and Posterior TaloFibular ligaments, as well as a third ligament tear. 🤦  I have a fracture in one toe. My knee has a tendon healing. I’m mostly grounded for the next 6-8 weeks (I was told I can walk around “gingerly” if no one can help me with things.) to make sure it’s all completely healed. They ordered a brace for my ankle, which is naturally on back order. 🙄 I’m disgusted. Especially since I have to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon. Even better, the radiology department called to let me know that they didn’t see it initially, but that I also have a hairline fracture to a bone in my foot. These people let me go home without a boot or a wrapped ankle. I asked and they stared at me like I was crazy. They did not ask if I was in pain or ask for my “pain number”, which is pretty standard procedure everywhere. I can walk in for a cold and will be asked about my pain level. I see my doctor in three weeks, but I’m afraid to even mention my pain because finding a good doctor is hard enough. No one should feel this way.

Worse, I am in this awkward holding pattern. I can *maybe* pick up groceries, but lifting them up a flight of stairs with my injuries was heavily discouraged. Mind you, they did not send over twelve guys to help with things I do during the course of a week. Laundry, cleaning the bathroom and bathtub, wiping the windows down with Windex (so my cats can drool on the picture window and make it look like I don’t clean it, EVER. Why are they drooling over birds and squirrels, anyway?!), vacuuming (which my cats screw up in fifteen minutes, so I end up frustrated when it looks like I didn’t do anything.), and other things no one even notices. I also changed my hair color this week, not a single person noticed. I mean, you can’t miss it. It’s a completely different shade of red. Whatever. <rolls eyes> I sometimes cook 4-6 nights a week, too. Again, they did not send assistance home with me, but I did leave with a worse cough, so there’s the gift that keeps on giving. #Cesspool

Yes, I have plenty of writing to do. Three manuscripts in progress. Twenty-six actual scripts to write for a new project I committed to. Plus, regular writing. However, that’s what I call shutting down into the abyss. It’s not completely healthy. A friend kindly pointed out that two months is a LONG time to heal. I said, “I’ll be productive with all the writing I have to do.” But the truth is; what if I’m not? Ugh. Doubt is a vicious creature. I’ll banish it on Tuesday. 😉

Hope you’ll all stick around with me.

XO,

lisa1

copyright © 2020 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.