Honesty
I Wrote Today…Be Thrilled
I am in excruciating pain. From the top of my spine to the top of my thighs, I cannot stand the torturous pain that only seems to get worse with every passing minute. After a point, you really have to ask yourself an important question: Do I take ANOTHER pill or do I pray this will stop at some point? It’s been quite some time since I’ve wanted a morphine drip, but right now, it sounds good.
While this pain attacks my being relentlessly, cutting off my early (for me) bed time by waking me up, I actually sat here for over an hour pouring over what shall forever be dubbed as “the manuscript from hell”. At this point, I can honestly say I am forcing myself to work and get it done. I am NOT enjoying myself in any way, shape, or form. I keep thinking about all the Biotin I will have to take to replace the hair this manuscript is costing me. God help me if my work ever tortures another individual so much! 😦
On a more serious note, a fellow writer had her first book hacked by someone claiming to be an editor in India. After three months of “editing”, he hacked into her Amazon account, tried to pass the book off as done, and then stole her credit card information and, to my understanding, maxed out her card. He damaged her files to the point where she has just lost a year of hard work, work she cherished beyond measure. So now, she’s lost a book she was proud of AND she has to file all kinds of reports to avoid identity theft, and get her credit card charged back and replaced. This is nightmarish, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone ever again.
I want everyone that is a writer to be VERY careful when hiring an editor. I highly recommend sticking to your country of origin and asking for a contract and non-disclosure agreement. That is my standard method of dealing with all of my clients and while some of them may drive me insane at times, I have never, not once in 20 years, released their names or discussed what their work was about. It’s okay to say your job is driving you nuts, but as an editor it’s crucial to my reputation to protect my clients’ work.
At the end of each day, I don’t OWN their manuscripts. I can ask to receive credit as the editor for those that self-publish, but three months after a job has been completed, I release my hold on any and all files. I keep them for that short time period on the off-chance they will need me to fix something or need a backup copy, but after that, I delete the work. I have no rights to it whatsoever, and each contract states that.
If you’re writing a book, back up your files to something external. A thumb drive, a microSD card, an external hard drive, etc., and put a hard copy on a CD or DVD, and put it in a safe place. If you can put it in a safe, I highly recommend that as an option. Don’t EVER allow someone to access your work remotely. Do not give passwords out! Shield everything you put your name on and protect it with your life. There are seriously evil people in this world that are, without question, predators to some extent. Do not allow yourself to become a victim of anyone professing to be something that are, quite clearly, not.
There are plenty of legitimate freelancers and there are even more that are simply liars. Aim high when searching for someone legitimate to assist you with something so important. If you have any questions, I am happy to assist where I can.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Mother & Daughter
First friend; best friend.
The reason I am who I am.
The person who encouraged me never to follow, but always to lead.
Guide-post. Lighthouse. Anchor.
Part angel, part saint.
The best listener.
Could always see the best in me, even when I didn’t believe there was any.
Teacher of so much.
Giver of books, music, art, culture, and life.
Laughter ’til we cried.
Taught me, in part, how to be a mother with a very simple gift.
Saw my talents clearer than anyone else.
Hated it when friends disappointed, lied, and hurt me. Enraged when men did the same.
Was always in awe of my strength.
Was not afraid to lean on me and allow me to be strong when she was not.
My first audience.
Lover of sunsets, rainbows, lilacs, and cats.
Honesty, Integrity, Loyalty, Love, Friendship.
You thought I was the blessing, but I know with certainty that I was blessed to have you as my mother.
You worked two jobs, took care of your children, and never once looked back. That is immense heroism.
Small aspects of who you are and what you mean to me.
Words fail…
I learned from my mother, but I also taught her in kind. Our relationship was one of kindred spirits. I’m strong and fierce because she was not able to be that kind of woman, having been raised differently. She encouraged my voice because she often felt she did not have one that others would listen to. She is the reason I am a supremely confident writer.
Days like today are very hard. They are made easier when one can honor their loved one, in their own attempt to heal. Truth be told, I don’t think one can ever repair the hole inside my heart at such a devastating loss, but I’m trying.
“Serenity is yours.
When chaos looms seek the sweet
Surrender of simplicity.
Gaze above at the glassy sky,
Feel each blade of green
Beneath your feet,
Listen to the sound of faith
Like a reed flute playing
Inside your chest.
Breathe.
Stand in witness of
Your true nature.
Remember the compassion
Of the lover’s eyes,
The calm wisdom of
The elder’s voice.
Go within. Be at rest without.
Fall to your knees in gratitude.
You have all you need.
Turn from the riot of distraction.
Let it roll over and beyond you.
Serenity is yours.
It lives always within your reach.”
-Ching Qu Lam
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
I Try To Be…
“I try to be as honest about what I see and to speak rather than be silent, especially if it means I can save lives.” -Sandra Cisneros
It Doesn’t Get Easier
Fibromyalgia Pain. Chronic Pain. Migraines. They are just a few of the evils that millions suffer from. Some suffer loudly, but many more suffer in dark rooms, alone, in silence. You’re screaming on the inside, but you don’t make a sound.
There is something about the temperature shifting drastically that changes my “Pain Game” to new levels of insanity. I’ve had a migraine on and off for three days, and after last week, I’d hoped it was just a passing tornado, so to speak. This morning I reached that “insane from pain” stage that is quite scary. You hear yourself saying crazy things, but you truly cannot stop your mouth from moving. You’ve been strong for too long and now you’re venting.
I’m usually up pretty early and by early, I mean still dark. Suffering from migraines last week into this week has meant that I’m finding justified reasons to A) Go back to sleep or B) Take naps. This morning I woke up at 7:24. I’d been up an hour before and truly saw no reason to make a bigger effort, so back to bed I went. Unfortunately, when you have animals and/or young children, you don’t get “the morning off”. I suspect if I bled out of my eyeballs, maybe. The girls were being particularly aggressive this morning, so I fed them at exactly 7:25 and then stomped back up the stairs like an insane person. Once they’re fed, they usually leave me alone. In true form, they had no interest in bothering me whatsoever once they’d been fed. But once I officially woke up, I had a little stalker doing all sorts of wrong to draw my attention. I’ve reached that pain point where saying “No.” or “Get down from there!” isn’t even worth it. If I spritz them with water, they stop doing it. However, they’re fearless and like to lick the water off right in front of me, as if to say “Really Mommy, that’s all you’ve got?” I’m not in the mood to be challenged by anything with four legs and fur, and I don’t negotiate with terrorists that look like children. 😛
Migraines that affect your neck, shoulder(s), face, and spine are fucking scary. There is always someone telling me a wild story about how “so and so had a migraine, and thus thought nothing of it, until they ended up in emergency surgery.” Yeah, that’s what I need to hear. That is totally going to make me feel better, thanks for sharing! I have no idea why so many people use the “this one has it worse” crap on you, as if that is somehow going to magically stop your suffering (and not just with a migraine, but with ALL things in life). FYI: It doesn’t curb your suffering at all, but it does piss you off, which isn’t good because that raises your blood pressure and damn near guarantees that this migraine isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
My biggest problem with this particular migraine is that I also hurt from my spine down to my calves. If it’s not severe pain, it’s a horrific ache or serious soreness. There is a 50% chance of rain and honestly, I’d like to see it rain a bit because that would explain the sudden increase in pain from my daily 8-9 to DEFCON 1. Historically we have never reached such a level of “readiness”, but I’m betting that a vast majority of pain patients HAVE reached that threshold. It is pain that is so bad, you’d rather feel ANYTHING ELSE but that pain. It applies to more than just the physical.
Doctors have often told me “It gets better as you get older.” That’s what they told my mother when I had horrible growing pains and constantly felt like my muscles and bones were going to pop off. Now, doctors ask whether or not you can remember if you had bad growing pains as a child, because that often signifies whether or not you might suffer from a form of chronic pain later on in life. They ask about your long-dead relatives medical histories, as if you know all about your “dead before I was born” Grandparents and Great-Grandparents. Unfortunately, I remember those growing pains the same way I will remember my current pain a month from now, with 100% muscle memory.
I fully intended to get some serious editing done today. I have a client crawling up my butt (I have more to say on this subject, but it’s unprofessional, so I’m going to shut my mouth) asking for a timeline for delivery. We’ve never discussed one before, but as I go through pages and pages of work that requires severe corrections with every sentence, I had to be honest (I chose professional honesty as opposed to niceness because I don’t have niceness in me at the moment.) and tell exactly her how much work is involved. The cleaner the manuscript, the less work there is for me, but as a developmental editor, I fact check and do way more than I’m being paid for, and yet from a writer’s perspective, I cannot tell if it’s just excitement at the prospect of having never been edited before, or anxiety that a professional is dissecting your work. I don’t know, I suspect it could be a lot of both, but I’m also in too much pain and under too much stress to sit and psycho-analyze it. I also hesitate to ask because I’m about .1 seconds from losing it on just about anyone. I’ve never failed a client before; it’ll get done, but work stops when I’m in agony and being nagged.
Right now, today is turning into another “Must Take Care Of Me” day. I truly don’t feel there are enough days like this because I often turn my attention to helping someone with a problem, or doing something else to shift my internal focus off the pain. Focusing solely on my own needs is slightly unnatural to me, but for now, it MUST be a priority.
Here’s hoping that none of my readers are hurting like this today. 😦 This is the kind of pain only Hitler deserves!
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Mondays…The Bane Of My Existence
Maybe it is lack of quality sleep or the fact that I woke up stressed, but this particular Monday is making me ill. The eerie quietness was giving off a lovely early Sunday morning vibe, which was helping calm my nerves…until the mowing and trimming started, AGAIN. I’ve had a migraine since last night, so the sound is like a never-ending sickness within me. I didn’t realize it until just now, but the smell is also murdering my sinuses. Spring allergies on top of all this physical pain AND a migraine? It’s unbelievably cruel.
The migraine is never truly gone. It will lull me into a false sense of security and then come slamming back, making me feel like my brain is being rattled. Has anyone received successful Botox treatment for their migraines? If so, please share your experiences with me.
Originally, I had some semblance of a plan for today. I had ideas laid out for work and I will definitely begin the process of writing certain things, but I’m realizing right now that some serious self-care is also in order. Today is going to be one of the hottest days that I’ve seen in quite some time, topping out at either under 90 degrees or over, so I think my first order of business before it kicks into high gear is to start hydrating, and to refill the Brita pitcher as a precautionary measure. Heat and I don’t mix well. In my mind’s eyes, it’s a “Wicked Witch melting” moment.
Something about the heat always makes me sick. It affects my entire body (pain, stress, stomach issues) and it exhausts me to the point where I will close my eyes and wake up five hours later. Like many things, the heat does Fibromyalgia no favors. It irks me that a person can’t spend five minutes educating themselves about Fibromyalgia, or any chronic illness, but when you explain that you’re sick, their response is selfish and self-centered, with claims of also having it. And yet, when they describe the pain they experience, you know their journey has yet to even take place because, while it may have been diagnosed, it is the utmost of mild for them. They don’t have to spend a week in bed after two days of serious activity. The only thing they do experience is widespread pain, but it’s not constant. Well, unless you’re on a morphine drip, Fibro is a constant. There are over 100 symptoms and side effects, but if you’ve only got one or two of them, I have a hard time relating because I score over 85 on the list, and that’s extremely disturbing to me. This disease is robbing me of my youth and energy in ugly ways.
So, if I don’t do or say something today that you expected, please forgive me. I’m waging war, both physically and mentally. I don’t have time for frivolous nonsense.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
100% Anti-Idiot
I’m not sure who shit in everyone’s breakfast this morning, but the lunatics are EVERYWHERE. The Full Moon is next week which might have been able to explain some of this away, but no. I’m dumbfounded by the levels of idiocy I’m seeing. It’s like a disease, spreading every second. I can only follow the conversation for so long until my brain starts to hurt. I’m coming off of several days worth of migraines and horrific physical pain, so I’m trying NOT to go back to a place of pain. In turn, it’s time to speak my peace and turn the computer off for a good 8-10 hours.
We live in an opinionated world, but no one on this planet holds the key to every single aspect of knowledge roaming around. That is virtually and statistically impossible. Unfortunately, opinions ARE like assholes and the world, and Internet, are FULL of them. This saddens me, because for every 100,000 assholes, there’s one smart person looking for other smart people. Reach out smart people, reach out!
Is there nothing I can do to shield myself from all this insanity? Yes: Walk away. Let the idiots run their mouths. Let them put their feet in their mouths. Let them choke on their own hip bones, but do not, I repeat, do NOT, engage. Because apparently it’s not Thursday, it’s “Know It All” Day. And all I can think is “I did NOT know that!” LOL.
I’m too fucking tired to deal with idiots that cannot carry on an intelligent, adult conversation. The holidays are over, so I don’t expect people to preach religion at each other and sound like even bigger assholes by doing so. Even with a Presidential election coming up next year, I do NOT want to hear every Tom, Dick, and Harry’s twisted opinions. I don’t want to hear Jane, Mary, and Lizzy’s opinions either. I have my own, I am legally entitled to them, and I really don’t care who other people THINK I should vote for. For now, I simply want to eat something and take a fucking nap (kitten is napping nearby and looks so precious. I love cat-napping with the purrables.). I’ve been up longer than most people have been at work today, no judging.
Later, I just want to watch the fucking hockey game and be left alone. Peace and quiet, even if only an illusion, is still peace and quiet.
In the meantime, while I am living my idiot free existence, let me know how you’re faring as you dodge what I am sure are your very own idiots du jour. Can’t we send them somewhere? Isn’t there a country that needs a larger population?! Because I am more than happy to send them a list of people they can collect as their very own citizens. If I factor in people I know, as well as strangers, they’d have a million new citizens by tomorrow morning.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Liebster Award
Liebster Award
I would like to thank Blondewritemore, who was lovely in bestowing this upon me. I was chosen because “I keep it real”. Apparently that isn’t common place. I appreciate the sentiment because being real and being true to myself is very important to me. Thank you Lucy. I’m glad we’re getting to know each other. 🙂
This is the first award for Poison In Lethal Doses and it makes me proud.
Here are the rules for this award:
- Once you are nominated, make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated you.
- Include the Liebster Award banner in the post.
- Nominate 7 (it’s supposed to be 10, but… ) people who you feel are worthy of this award. Let them know they have been nominated by commenting on one of their posts. You can also nominate the person who nominated you.
- Answer the ten questions asked to you by the person who nominated you.
- Make ten questions of your own for your nominees.
- Lastly, COPY these rules in the post.
- ALL THE NOMINEES ARE FREE TO ACCEPT OR REJECT THE NOMINATION
My nominated bloggers are:
Moongazer, who is perhaps one of the sweetest people I have come across here.
Megan, who generously made toys for cat that kitten stole. She’s a sweetheart with a little cutie of her own. 🙂
My Small Surrenders, who is fighting way too many battles and needs support on this journey.
High, High, Higher, because she just showed me that’s she’s far from a fair weather friend. Compassion, kindness, and simply caring about another human being is so rare.
Jodi Ambrose Blog, because Jodi is a sweetheart who never ceases to make people roll on the floor laughing.
My Spoken Heart, because I like what she has to say about so much.
Fish Of Gold, because I said so.
- Here are my questions for my nominated bloggers:
1. Where are you originally from?
2. What do you think is the most unique trait you possess?
3. Who is the single most important person in your life?
4. What is the most thrilling or inspirational thing you’ve ever done just for yourself?
5. Your own cooking or take-out?
6. Coffee or Tea?
7. Do you have a special ringtone for anyone that always makes you laugh or smile?
8. What is the one thing you cannot live without? (It can be a material object.)
9. How much music would you say you listen to each day?
10. Is your goal to blog and keep on blogging because you love your audience or to complete a novel for any form of publishing at some point? (You can let this one slide Jodi, because I’ve decided your goal is to get your own podcast, Miss Thing!)
These are the questions I was asked.
1. Where do you get your creative inspiration from?
I don’t know that I actually have creative inspiration. I’m simply being myself. It’s basically “Piss me off, pay the consequences.” most days, and other days I have something very specific that I want to say. It’s important to me to cover a wide array of topics and not box myself into any one thing. You have yet to see an excerpt of any of my works in progress here and there’s a reason for that.
2. How often do you blog?
There are blogs and there are platforms. I am a writer, therefore this is a platform. It’s drastically different from my beauty blog (which I do for fun) or other things that I do on-line that I’d consider more along the lines of a true blog. I try to do something daily, or at the very least 2-4 times a week. It depends on what else I have going on inside my head. It’s very busy up there since I took the curtains down. 😛
3. What motivates you?
I come from absolutely nothing. My mother was the guiding force behind my talents, and since her passing, I am motivated by stories she would want me to tell, the kinds of books she loved to read. She believed wholeheartedly in my “no holds barred” approach and would often read books and say “You could do this, but better.” She is the reason I can now write fiction with absolute confidence.
I’ve had to work my tail off for every single thing I’ve ever achieved. Getting out of an abusive home, staying out of abusive relationships and friendships, surviving and thriving; that motivates me. Being who I am, without apologies, THAT motivates me. Remembering who I am, where I come from, and that those streets are always a part of who I am, THAT motivates me. Whenever I lose sight of myself, the song “Jenny From The Block” by Jennifer Lopez comes on or “Empire State Of Mind: Part II” by Alicia Keys. THAT reminds me who I am, and it’s motivational. It’s like flipping a switch. It reminds me that I can accomplish and achieve anything, without someone else’s approval or permission. And I think of my mother and her words, because no one else believed in me more than her.
4. Why did you start blogging?
In late 2012, I started a blog, …..And The Moon Sees All. It still runs today, just not daily. I transitioned over to this platform in 2014 because I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t being true to myself on the blog. I also disliked a lot of the blogging negativity that was going down. Way too much juvenile behavior for me. I felt strangled and boxed in, and I hated it. I wanted a place where I could unapologetically say anything and everything I think and feel, and I wanted it to be a highly positive, supportive place. Thus far, I have succeeded.
My reputation is what lead me to writing various things under the Poison In Lethal Doses title for 20 years. I decided it was time to go back to my roots and unleash the beast, so to speak. I have a series of Dark Urban Fantasy novels in the works that are steeped in mythology and minor aspects of historical fiction. I feel like this is the right place for that readership. It’s a wonderful way to connect with readers on every level possible; allowing them to get to know me as a person first, and as a writer and editor second.
5. What is your favourite quote?
I have a great many, as I am a collector of quotes. The two that are crucial to my life are:
“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ―Franz Kafka
6. Describe yourself in three words?
Loyal. Direct. Genuine.
7. If you were a famous brand – what brand would you be and why?
I’d be something I believed in, was not embarrassed to attach myself to, and allowed me to be financially stable and secure.
8. When was the last time you got angry?
Saturday night, but hey, the day is still young…
9. What is your star sign? Are you like your star sign?
I’m a Scorpio. It comes up eight times in my birth chart.
I am not the quintessential stereotype of the sign. I’m not jealous (I learned very early on to conquer that or it would be my destruction) or insane. Will I destroy you if you fuck with me and/or those I love? Yes. Will I be the most loyal friend you’ve ever had? Yes. I encourage people NOT to get on my bad side because once you are, you might as well shrivel up and die. I might forgive someone or something for myself, but I will NEVER forget someone who has done me wrong or hurt me, and the same is true for my loved ones. I do NOT forget evil-doers and if you say something to me that cannot be unheard, it might take me ten years, but eventually you’ll be sorry it ever came out of your mouth. As a friend once said “If you’re lucky enough to be friends with Lisa, take that very seriously because she is not someone to be screwed with!” That sums it up quite nicely. 😉
10. If you could go back in time where would you go?
I’d go back to my early teen years. I’d make a lot of changes, though when I look back on it now, I realize I had my shit together, even then. Everything happens for a reason, and a lot of those moments helped strengthen me. Perhaps I wouldn’t go back at all, perhaps I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Please take a moment and visit all of the blogs I have posted here. I promise you, it’s worth it.
Blank, Empty, Devoid
There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve been devoid of all emotion, except maybe anger. Sometimes rage fuels me to be stronger, better, smarter, faster. I worry sometimes that therapy weakened me, taking my strengths as a woman and turning me into a neutered puppy. But lately, due to serious concerns about my health, I am starting to feel devoid of so much. Not just emotion, but everything. I’m a pretty fearless woman, but when I’m sick every single day from stress and I don’t act on my thoughts because I know they will only result in broken bones, it distracts me from the goal at hand.
I haven’t said anything at all because this is not a personal place, though I think some would disagree and say that my writing is VERY personal. I don’t perceive it as being anything more than me being me, and allowing others to take it or leave it. But I digress; I am about to embark on a huge change in my life. It is going to take every ounce of internal, physical, and emotional strength I have left. It will not be easy. In fact, I expect it to be yet another bloody battle. I really wanted to get away from sword-sharpening and focus on my goals for the next few years, but all of that has been stripped from me, albeit temporarily. Now, all I am able to do is take things one day at a time.
Part of having Fibromyalgia to this extent means accepting help that is offered with a genuine heart. I’m finally seeing a few genuine hearts, as opposed to the kind that do something in the moment and then throw it back in your face at the most inopportune time. I’m shedding the toxic, negative people in my life and embracing the supportive, positive, loving people. I cannot deal with the bullshit or drama that comes with that constant negativity, period.
I will be slightly less present on here at times as I pack up my current life, weeding it down to the bare necessities, in preparation for the next phase. I will take time to mourn what I thought would be best for me, and embrace that which is new. Sometimes doors DO close, but dwelling on that is unhealthy. I have to believe that there is a different purpose for me, even if now, it simply feels like an immense inconvenience.
I know not everyone here is religious or spiritual, but if you’re the praying type, please keep me on the positive side of your prayers. I am sick, praying daily that I do not get worse, and that the change I am about to make is, overall, healthy and smart.
Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing in life is truly permanent, not even death. There will always be good things happening to bad people and bad things that happen to really good people. It’s twisted, it is senseless, but it’s unfortunately a part of life. All I can do is take each day as it comes and give it my best. If “my best” means staying in bed and asking for help, then so be it. I’m not here to compete with anyone and I’m certainly not walking around believing I am better than anyone else. I’m human. Take it or leave it, and if you leave, I really don’t care if the door breaks your tailbone on the way out.
I will check any messages sent to me and respond as soon as I can, but for now, I have no real answers. Each day brings different stressors and honestly, all I want is a problem solver. Alas, life does not work like that.
I pray that as this week comes to a close, I am able to solve the most pressing issues quickly. Wish me good luck. XO.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
















