Greetings & Returns

2024-11-01 Miss Poison Achievements, Arthritis, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Transformation, Triggers, Writing Arthritis, Breakdowns, Breakthroughs, Cat and Kitten, Depression, Grief, Health, Honesty, Injuries, Life, Mental Health, October 7th Massacre, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stepping Into Your Power, Tragedy, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Updates, Walking Away, Writing

Today felt like a decent opportunity to hop on and try to say something of substance. It sounds great in my head, but there are no guarantees for how it flows in front of you. All I am giving for now is effort, which is better than nothing at all on a site I do all of the work on, and pay for.

There’s so much going on within the silence, which has become a disturbing form of, “normal” for my tribe, and yes, for me, as well. I made the crucial decision to let unsupportive friends, family members, and friendships go. If you haven’t heard from me, and haven’t said anything of value to me in over a year, that’s precisely where we stand. You keep being silent, and I’m going to keep myself focused on those who have stood up for me, stood with me, stood by me, and would never dare two-sides a situation they themselves have no skin in. The reality, however, is that we all have a role to play in this.

Call me crazy, but I don’t recall anyone calling President Bush on 9/12 and telling him what was proportionate, or not, after so many lives were lost on U.S. soil, so fuck those who’ve been doing this with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I am sick of messages asking me for proof. What the hell do I have to prove to you? I will cheerfully provide a list of roughly one hundred people who will be all too happy to show you, “proof”. I can’t guarantee the temperament you’ll get, but truly, I’m more than happy to pass the info along. I think it would be incredibly helpful and educational for so many to be faced with the sheer brutality. Yes, that’s partial sarcasm. Also, I’m sort of done explaining how I feel. No one has cared, and I will not pursue anything in light of this.

To get back to, “normal”, my body had a stress meltdown. I had an injury begin at the end of February. I couldn’t do anything when I needed to sleep, nor could I do much when I was completely unable to walk, dragging my leg behind me like a wounded animal. I’ve never seen my cats so terrified before. 😦 It was yet another rough patch to get through. It has returned, stopped, returned, etc. This is how stress has built up in my body to the point of a breakdown. There are many other side effects I will not discuss. Suffice to say, I am gearing up to see a new orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and a specialist who is focused on facial pain, as I officially have Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s the plague, you just can’t see it.). I’ve had x-rays done, which rendered some new and odd results, and I have three MRIs to schedule. For now, only one was approved. It’s easier to suffer once from all three, than it is to suffer separately for each MRI, but at this point, I am gearing up to do one, unless miracles happen this month.

When it wasn’t me suffering, it was Cat. There was a terrifying incident with her and a trip to an Urgent Care vet. She is significantly better now, but will be on medication for the rest of her life. I am lucky to have had previous experience with this particular health issue. 😦 She’s not liking the special diet she needs to be on, which I kind of expected might be an issue. She’s extremely picky as it is, and smart enough to pick around the new food to only eat what she likes. I have watched her spit pieces onto the floor or into her water dish. I’ve eliminated two brands, but have been lucky to find others which don’t require a prescription. I want to keep her healthy and avoid issues moving forward. I know this is not something I did or caused, but it is definitely difficult from an emotional standpoint. When she’s stubbornly fought me on food, I have been frustrated by the waste. The vet did not make this any easier on me. Medicating her initially required an extra set of hands. I have always said she takes the most liberties with me because I’m the person she’s had every day of her life since she was twelve weeks old. She fights me, dodges me, avoids me, and has not spent much time with me since this all began, but she slowly began to realize that she wasn’t being hurt, and that the medication made her feel better. She also gained weight she had initially lost, so I am hoping for good results moving forward. I am happy she is starting to socialize again and check in on me.

It’s been a trying year, an emotional year, and one where I’ve definitely felt alone and abandoned by people I thought would be in my life, for the rest of my life. I silently said goodbye to people, because I will not tolerate blatant antisemitism, nor will I tolerate selfishness, people who cannot listen, people who talk over me, and people who don’t understand that an apology has layers. I don’t miss an ounce of the drama others brought forth.

2024 has not turned out as planned, and that’s understandable. There are much bigger plans in motion, huge projects (One was announced in June. I will share it here soon.), and I am SO excited to share it all, as it unfolds. For now, I can truly say I am walking into my Red Era. Join the Broadcast Channel on Instagram (It’s linked.), which is where all members receive exclusive content, early announcements, and more. Hope to see you there. XO, L

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Brave Enough To Be Angry

Link 2017-11-082017-11-09 Miss Poison Anger, Articles, Toxic People, Triggers, Women Articles, Lindy West, Op-Ed, Sexual Assault, Truth, Women

This is incredibly well-written. It also triggered some memories for me that I knew might surface eventually. With many of my close friends coming to me with their stories, which range from offensive to disturbing and terrifying, I find myself a lot quieter.

The other day I was viciously attacked by two women, absolute strangers, for having a definitive opinion about someone/something. These people do not know me, they don’t know where I come from or what I have been through, but like so much on social media; people love to attack from behind a device. They feel safe in saying ugly things because you don’t live next door to them, or across the street. I find that cowardly. I actually expect that from most men (Not all, just most. There was a HUGE argument the other night when some douche bag attacked my cousin on social media. Instead of keeping the horrors of what occurred in Texas to a civilized discussion, and just discussing the facts, which is exactly what was happening until this guy took a cheap shot, an ugly low blow, and then deleted it, like a punk. I wanted to punch him in the face. You can say a lot of things to or about me, but you’ll never say I’m disloyal or that I don’t have your back. In fact, my cousin immediately texted me to say “Thank you for having my back in that discussion.”), but women should know better. I wish we, as women, judged less and respected more. However, we don’t. We collectively preach certain things, but so many do not practice what they preach. I’m not perfect. I can judge without realizing I’m doing it. I’ve often looked at it as intuition, as opposed to making a judgment call, especially when I end up being right.

Yes, women are a force. I wish all of us stood for the same things and truly understood the bonds of sisterhood.

Triggers

2016-12-03 Miss Poison Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Triggers, Writing Anxiety, December, Depression, Emotional Pain, Honesty, Life, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Triggers, Unhappiness, Writing

trauma — I don’t fully agree with all of this. It’s a very complex thing and I’d never gloss over it.

December. My new month, chock full of triggers.

I woke up Thursday morning and didn’t know where I was. From the colors around me, to the sounds; I was completely and utterly disoriented. And then, it came crashing down on me in one fell swoop; it’s December 1st.

Last year, my life changed drastically on that very same Thursday morning. I worked hard to make sure the change wouldn’t come, but there are things outside our own power structure and oftentimes, we have to learn to adapt and try not to take painful tragedy personally. However, it was indeed tragic, it will forever remain personal, and it breaks pieces of my soul every day.

At the time I said I’d probably never discuss it, and I’m still not discussing it, not in its entirety. Perhaps, one day, in therapy, I will feel comfortable and safe enough to let chunks of pain out, but for now? No. There are some things that are personal; things you’ll carry with you, because they cut too fucking deep and, a year later, the memories continue to haunt you

I cannot tell anyone the last time I was truly happy, if ever there was a time, or even a moment of happiness. My life is very ordinary, and extremely unhappy. Write, edit, cook, clean, wash dishes, do laundry, shop for groceries. Lather, rinse, repeat. I sing when I cook, if I don’t have a migraine and happen to be in the mood for music. I even danced the other night while cooking, because the song was perfect. I couldn’t remember the last time I had danced around a kitchen and dining room. I take care of Cat and Kitten, because they love me unconditionally and would never intentionally harm me in any way. I have been constantly reminded that I’m “not someone’s mother”. In fact, this year I’ve constantly been reminded how little I matter to those in my life, and especially to those around me. Many people have stepped back (some permanently, others I let go of), but others have stepped up and in to my life in larger roles. I am immensely grateful to those who truly stand by me, even when I’m suffering, and don’t push. I am grateful to those who take the time to get to know you, because they genuinely want to know YOU, because they CARE. They show you your value by their words and actions. As I told a friend recently “Friendship is free.”, because it is. However, it is also an immense gift in times of good and bad. And if you’re dealing with horrible shit, you quickly learn who will stand by you and who will not.

I’m happy to say I’ve made some new friends this year, and managed to strengthen my long-term bonds into something richer and deeper than ever before. That makes me proud because I highly value my friendships. It’s nice to receive text messages that make you smile, or items in the mail that mean SO MUCH because it’s truly the thought behind the gesture. It’s nice when friends say “I wish you lived closer.”, because they mean it. I’m almost certain I’d be in jail if all of my friends lived within 1-4 miles of me. Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing, either. I might benefit from being on a first-name basis with more police officers. LOL.

11703107_10153480777918684_8018737011132906695_n — Emotional garbage. Littering is unacceptable.

I am trying hard to turn my triggers into positives by changing my reactions to days of the week, to numbers on the calendar, etc. It’s not easy, it will take time, but I am trying, and I give myself credit for the effort that takes.

So, while this will be a difficult month for me, I look forward to coming out the other side a stronger, smarter person who can look for the silver lining amongst the clouds.