Exhausted

2014-11-22 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Writing Deadened, Exhaustion, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Writing

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I’d like to sit and cry, but I don’t even have the emotional capacity to do so today. I can’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly deadened.

I’ve spent an enormous chunk of my life taking care of others, being the dutiful daughter, being responsible and reliable, but now, all I want to do is not be anything. It’s not depression, per se, it’s having reached burnout. I’m not burnt out on work, but I am burnt out on almost all the exterior aspects of my life. Not all, because I am grateful for who and what I have in my life, but almost all. Sometimes you just have to say “Enough!” to all the nonsense and all the craziness, and retreat. You’re not defeated, you just need rest. You need love and support, and people who can be relied upon no matter what. You don’t want or need drama. And that is precisely how I feel. To sit here today and write would be false, and I’m not going to do it.

In fact, I am going to go back to sleep and give myself some “self-care”. I slept horribly last night, and woke feeling like I’d waged war. It feels very “Lord Of The Rings” inside my head. Maybe after a few hours of sleep and a shower, I will start feeling human again. I cannot speak for tomorrow or anything else, I can only say I have to take care of me.

I hope everyone has a phenomenal Saturday. Don’t forget to do something nice for yourself this weekend.

Another One Bites The Dust

2014-11-212014-11-22 Miss Poison Cooking, Editing, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanksgiving, Word Count, Work, Writing Baking, Cooking, Editing, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanksgiving, Work, Writing

At approximately 9:00 this morning, I submitted a completed, edited manuscript back to my current client. Ten days, four revisions, and I am DONE. I felt incredibly exhilarated by that. I think it is, by far, the fastest I have edited in a while, but factoring in that everyone gives me projects with different word counts, I still think I did rather well. I delivered way ahead of schedule since this wasn’t an absolute must until January 1st. All in all, I am pleased.

I had a little health scare this week that I didn’t mention, but now that I know I’m okay, I feel like I can breathe a little easier. By the Grace of God, it wasn’t what I thought it was, and I am eternally grateful for that.

It’s hard to believe Thanksgiving is less than a week away. I have been trying to plan my “menu” here and there this past week. Last year, while not traditional, I did break out my recipe for stuffing. If a recipe is passed down to me, I have perfected it over the years. The stuffing was my Mom’s original recipe. I don’t know where she got it from because my Grandmother didn’t cook, but my Great-Grandmother did. Even still, this stuffing is not typical of what one might expect. It is very easily made vegetarian with a few little tweaks, but I’m not making it this year. In fact, I don’t plan on making anything even remotely traditional. No turkey, no stuffing, no cranberry sauce, nothing one might expect. It’s one big plain NO. After some consideration, I found a happy alternative.

I have absolutely nothing against traditional Thanksgiving Day fare, I’m simply not going to do all that prep work for less than 4 people. It’s a lot of work and since I am the one cooking, I make the rules. A 12-16 pound turkey is a waste when only the white meat will be eaten. It’s wasteful, but it’s the truth. So, no turkey. If I do happen to qualify for the free bird at my local store, I will donate it to one of the churches in the area or give it to a neighbor who I am sure will either cook it or donate it. Either way, someone wins. The store I go to does offer some alternatives, but if none of them can be utilized by me, it’s best to donate.

I know the stores will be jam-packed next week, but since I’m not going near anything traditional, I should be okay. I can listen to the playlist for my book instead of the Christmas music I am almost certain to be attacked by upon entering, and go about my business. It will take two trips to two different stores to get everything I need, but I will be incredibly grateful if I am able to do so, and still come in under budget. What I’m planning will last for 3-5 days, but it will get better from the first bite ’til the very last and I’m looking forward to having some fun with it. I am also considering a little baking. I considered it last year and ended up not doing it. Two different types of cake have been requested, and each of them sounds really refreshing for some reason, so I am going to try. They can both bake at the same time, cool at the same time, and be frosted next to one another. Easy. They’ll both last about a day, only because everyone here has a sweet tooth. At least by baking them, I know exactly what’s going into them, as opposed to buying them, where the ingredients are listed, but make me cringe. What I have planned, even with the baking, won’t even take me two hours to pull together. Another person is in charge of an add-on that he suggested, but everything else is me. He did offer to help, but I hate it when anyone hovers over me in the kitchen like I’m fine china and might break. UGH!

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Do you have any traditional dishes you make that are absolute MUSTS? Leave me a comment and let me know. Also, how many people are making dishes that are Pinterest inspired?

Stick A Fork In Me!

2014-11-19 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Writing Fibromyalgia Pain, Honesty, Migraines, Pieces Of Me, Writing

I have been hard at work for hours now. The plus side, I am getting closer to being done, which is fantastic. The downside, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the shock of the bitter cold or if the excruciating pain of the past few weeks has simply drained me of my life force, but all I want to truly do is sleep. Mind you, without deadlines, stress, cries, or meows, I might stay in bed for a week. Realistically speaking, I know full well that I cannot do that, so all I can do is rest when I need to.

There is something so incredibly disturbing about Fibromyalgia pain. Aside from being completely unnatural; It’s constantly with you. It is a never-ending cycle that makes you want to remove your own muscles and bones, and set them aside. When you cannot sit, stand, or walk, and all you want to do is scream because the pain is THAT bad, you lose the ability to feel a whole lot (if any) of sympathy for the people who DO find automatic pain relief. There’s no medication that will “fix” this and make it better. None whatsoever. I’ve tried pretty much everything available, so I can only hope and pray that when someone new is finally FDA approved, that it won’t be an epic fail.

I am certain regular use of Icy/Hot, while topical, probably isn’t very healthy for the body overall. And yet, I am convinced I should be buying them in cases of 12, as opposed to one bottle at a time. I’m pretty sure Walmart would find it odd if I bought more than 2 or 3 in one shot, but I honestly cannot take much more of this. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I want to be able to live my life the way I used to. I don’t want exercise to mean I will be bloody and bruised, and completely unable to move, but exhilarated with a sense of accomplishment. When I walk, I am faced with the consequences of bruised, aching muscles. If I turn in the wrong direction, I might not be able to move for a week, or longer. There is no over-the-counter medicine that can touch this pain. I’ve taken my fair share of pain medications and eventually, they cease to work. At this point, I’m not even sure if a pain pump would be “enough”, but I am going to bring it up to a specialist next year.

In the meantime, my stressful morning has led to a migraine. Thankfully the medication for that DOES tend to work, and I’ve just taken two. My work day is officially over right now, at least until the migraine passes and darkness falls. Here’s looking forward to 5:00 PM.

Writer Struggles: Part One

2014-11-182014-11-18 Miss Poison Being Real, Family, Fiction, Friends, Honesty, Non-Fiction, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thought-Provoking, Thoughts, Writers, Writing Death, Family, Fiction, Friends, Grief, Honesty, I Make No Apologies, Life, Non-Fiction, People, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Sports, Thought-Provoking, Thoughts, Women's Issues, Writer Struggles, Writers, Writing

One of the things I struggle with as a writer is friends and family reading my work. If it’s fiction, they really don’t spend a lot of time reading personal things into it, but when it’s on a platform like this? UGH!

I cannot tell you how many times I have received e-mails, text messages, or phone calls that goes something like this: A- “Is this about me?”, with an attached link to something I’ve written. (It might be, but unless I’ve named names, you might not want to assume so much self-importance. Did you really print it so you could read it back to me?! Seriously?!!?) B- “Are you angry with me?” (Do I seem like the shy type?) C- “I don’t understand why you would write this…” (That’s why I’m a writer and you aren’t.) The best part is when they write to “advise me” on a situation I have written about that really doesn’t require a response. Unless I specifically ask for advice, chances are, I’m doing just fine with the thoughts in my head and don’t need mixed messages, but thanks for thinking of me. It is frustrating, to say the least.

I think the most profound thing anyone can say to me, which happened this past weekend, is “I am so proud of you.” For someone to acknowledge how I have grown in my talent and how I am not hesitant to tackle difficult subjects that make other people uncomfortable is something I value and respect. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it is sincerely appreciated. (Hugs Aunt L.)

I generalize a lot of what I write because too many people assume it’s about them, when the truth is, it could be about anyone in the world. Most of the time someone will stumble upon something I have written, leave a comment about their own experiences on the subject, I will respond in kind, and dialogue is born. It’s one of the reasons you write; To have other people read your work, understand it, relate to it, remember it, share it, etc. It’s not meant for me to throw random shit at anyone, it’s meant to be thought-provoking, and often times it is therapeutic, as the writer, for me to write things out of my system. If I didn’t, I’d have murdered someone by now. So thank you Mom, for realizing I was a writer and encouraging me to be what I am today. It is far better than what I ever imagined it could be. I wish you were here for all of this, because I think now, I understand what your vision for me really was.

For most of my years as a writer, I covered facts, life, death, grief, women’s issues, and sports. That’s what makes up the majority of my portfolio. I can revert back to any of those things on a dime, and tackle a subject quite competently. I do go out of my comfort zone at times to really challenge myself, but I also know what I’m good at. There is a way, no matter what genre you write in, to still adhere to your values and be yourself.

I would rather be myself and not make any apologies for it, than be spoon-feeding my readers bullshit on gilt plates. But hey, that’s me, and I refuse to apologize for doing something that is not wrong.

Believe It Or Not, I DO Have Boundaries

2014-11-172015-05-28 Miss Poison Anger, Being Real, Boundaries, Commitment, Communication, Feelings, Friends, Friendship, Honesty, Life, Loyalty, Men, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reality, Relationships, Stupidity, Things That Enrage Me, Thoughts, Toxic People, Unbelievable Crap, Unnecessary Drama, Women, Writing Anger, Attack, Dos and Don'ts, Ego, Friends, Friendship, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Writing

“There are two kinds of friendship: the beneficial friendship and the erroneous friendship. The erroneous friendship balances on the principle of “The closer we are, the more okay it is for me to say anything I want to you and for me to treat you any way that I want to, and for me to disrespect you and take advantage of you.”, while a true friendship is rooted in this principle: “The closer we are, the more respect I have for you, the better I will treat you, the higher I will regard you, the more good things I will wish for you.”

You will know someone is a true friend by basis of observing their actions towards you as the friendship grows deeper. A true friend will continue to hold you in higher and higher regard, while the error of a friend will see your goodwill and newfound fondness as basis to do and say whatever he/she wants, that is disrespectful and non-beneficial to you.” C. JoyBell C.

Believe It Or Not, I DO Have Boundaries

Generally I say what I mean and I mean what I say, but when you push my buttons and you keep pushing, you’re going up against the wrong woman. You cannot win, you will not win, and here’s why.

I am not so comfortable with the people in my life that I will over-step my boundaries intentionally. However, yesterday someone SERIOUSLY over-stepped with me, and unless I write my feelings out, I won’t ever speak to this person again, so I’m sorry for involving my readers in something they may not fully understand.

As a friend, and as a person, I am incredibly devoted. Loyal to a fault and “Ride or Die” are the usual terms used to describe the type of friend I am. What I am NOT, is inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, rude, bitchy, disrespectful, unappreciative, or a habitual line-stepper. It’s okay to tell me to back off, so long as you do it politely. It’s okay to say “I can’t talk about this now.”, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Basically, it’s okay, so long as you communicate with me properly.

Here’s what is, under no circumstances, NOT EVER okay: Attacking me, accusing, and/or assuming. If you intend to provoke me, do so solely at your own risk, but be forewarned: It might very well be the last thing you ever say or do to another living being.

I do not have the time, patience, or inclination to babysit everyone’s egos. Yes, I have more than one friend in my life. Get.Over.It. I once had a friend who would say “Don’t worry about it, more Lisa for me!”, because she didn’t like to share me with other people. Where is she now? I’d answer, but just in case she stumbles upon this, I will simply say: “ALMOST FIVE YEARS, what are you waiting for? God to say go?!”

I don’t need anyone to pat me on the back for a good deed. You say thank you, and we move on. However, if you’ve done, or are doing, something for me and then you throw it back in my face every opportunity you get, we’re going to either throw down or I am going to throw you right out of my life. I don’t need the drama or the bullshit. Again, I don’t have the time to babysit egos. If you’re feeling “unloved”, hire a hooker, but don’t insult the very kind, respectful, genuine things I say to you, especially after I have just praised you and told you how wonderful I feel you are. When given a compliment of the highest order, say thank you, take it to heart, especially since you know me, but do NOT attack me to the point where I ask myself if you’re worth it any more because I have been betrayed enough to know that walking away from someone is the absolute healthiest choice I can make at times.

Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am pissed off. I’m not going to accept this kind of attitude and behavior from anyone simply because they have been in my life for a long time. I have learned that not every relationship in life will stand the test of time, and while it saddens me to feel this way, maybe saying goodbye (Okay, that would be if I were feeling polite. I don’t feel polite.) is really the best thing for everyone involved.

I have found that people are much more apt to say shit to me via e-mail or social media, than they are to ever so much as consider saying it to my face. There’s a reason for that. Once my tone of voice changes, you might as well just lay down and die, because you will wish for death by the time I’m done with you.

I understand that part of this issue is genuine jealousy and insecurity, and I have no words in ANY language to respond to that. I think the best thing I can say is that I will NEVER understand the way other women’s brains work. I understand myself just fine, but the basic female psyche alludes me. They say that “Men are simple creatures.” (Whoever “they” are.), but the fact of the matter is, men are often a lot less complicated. I say this as a total Girl’s Girl. I have maybe a handful of laid back, easy-going friendships with women, but the rest of them are SO incredibly complicated that it gives me a fucking headache.

Ultimately, I think it is perfectly acceptable to be open about your needs in any relationship. However, your delivery has to be flawless. This is a sad truth. If you say the right thing to a person at the precise right time, you both win. If you say the wrong thing to a person at the wrong time, I don’t expect them to just accept that and say “Okay.” Maybe some people do, but I do not. I’ve been calling people out on their crap since the day I was born, and today is no different.

There is a person in my life who really needs to decide if they are going to “shit or get off the pot.” But make no mistake, once I make the decision that I am done with you, I am truly done. There is no revolving door in my life for bullshit, drama, negativity, childishness, or stupidity. If you go from friend to enemy, you do not go back to friend, not EVER. I do not suffer fools. If you’re going to be a bitch or an asshole, please, do so on your own time, and with someone else entirely. I value my time. Next to my name on the Tree Of Life it says “No time for idiots.” So mote it be.

Remember That People Who Know…

Image 2014-11-17 Miss Poison Honesty, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses Character, Dodinsky, Images/Photos/Quotes, Knowledge, Opinions

Sometimes people over-estimate their comfort level with me and say the most heinous things, all under the guise of “friendship” and/or “honesty”. It’s something I have absolutely no respect for.

I am taking a “sick day” today to work through that because no one deserves to receive my work when I’m pissed off to the point of seeing red. In fact, no one deserves to hear anything I have to say today because it’s only going to come off volatile, even though my intentions are good. Silence is truly golden.

I Love…

Quote 2014-11-172014-11-16 Miss Poison Cats, Home, Pieces Of Me, Quotes, Soul Cats, Home, Jean Cocteau, Quotes, Soul

“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.” ~Jean Cocteau

There Is A Place…

Image 2014-11-152014-11-15 Miss Poison Family, Generosity, Images/Photos/Quotes, In Memory, Inspiration, Life, Light, Love, Pieces Of Me, Reflection, Strength Images/Photos/Quotes, In Memory, Inspiration, Love, Michael David Virtue, My Uncle

In Memory of my Uncle, who passed away suddenly three years ago. Today would have been his 62nd birthday. If anyone lived life to the fullest and gave with his whole heart, it was him. He was my guide post for so much in my life, and for that I will forever be grateful.

RMP

1952-2011

“Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Surely heaven waits for you…” -Kansas

Welcome & Thank You

2014-11-13 Miss Poison Editing, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Unfiltered, Work, Writing Editing, Gratitude, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanks, Unfiltered, Welcome, Work, Writing

Readership has really grown a lot in the past month, so I wanted to say hello to all of the new people that have kindly followed, liked, and commented. It is a joy to read messages from like-minded souls. I see everything, and I appreciate all of you for stopping in. I especially have to thank my friends who followed me from the old blog (which I still do), to my main focus, which is this platform. It’s nice to get feedback based solely on true merit.

While I try to post daily, sometimes my brain is a bit shattered, so I try to share nice things with you that I’ve come across, or that inspire me in some way. Sometimes I will address specific issues or causes, and you don’t have to take them to heart, you can breeze through or past them, but I do hope they’ll be of some value.

I am currently editing a new novel, which is an interesting, fun challenge. When you grow up with specific mysteries and stories, be it in book form, film, or even on television, it is always nice to see them brought back to life by someone new. It’s nice for me to step outside of my own work world, which is drastically different, and immerse myself in a world of someone else’s creation. I was pleased to discover the client is already published and successful, so that was a nice surprise, and I’m so happy to be working. It does mean I will work straight through the holidays, but quite frankly, I appreciate the distraction. It’s been a rough year. I will be happy to take the good from it, leave the negative behind, and move into a new year with a lot of newly absorbed knowledge about myself and those around me. It’s important to look ahead, because looking behind you only causes chronic neck pain.

Beyond all of that, I can say that Fall is winding down. The trees on my property are blowing leaves all over the place. The two larger trees were bright, lush green and are now dappled with yellow and peach. The Japanese Maple will slowly transition from stunning plum leaves to a bright red, but as of right now, they’re still holding strong. It’s my favorite of the three trees and it’s also the one that was still pretty young when I got here. The air is now turning bitterly cold, which makes my Fibromyalgia flare-up in unpleasant ways. Every muscle in my body hurts and every joint feels like I’m Tin Man from the Wizard Of Oz and need to be “oiled”. I can feel the cold deep within my bones, especially anywhere I have an injury. Gymnastics isn’t always kind to you years later, but the same can be said for all sports.

It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I haven’t even sat down to make a tentative menu because I don’t know how many people I will be cooking for, but I’m also not that interested. I think the sentiment behind the day is awesome, it always has been, but it is greatly ruined by the pre-Black Friday crap that is already being advertised. I’m much more concerned with making a nice meal and having a day of movies or books to keep me happy. That’s my usual tradition. Perhaps I will re-read a series of books throughout the holiday season, in my spare time.

Are there are books you like to re-read during this time of year? If so, leave a comment and tell me what you re-read and why.