Overdoing It

2015-05-06 Miss Poison Charities, Exhaustion, Musings, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Uncategorized, Writing Editing, Fibromyalgia Pain, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

When you feel good for even a split second, you try capitalizing on it by squeezing in things from your “to do” list. Mine is more like a “must do” list. I am currently packing things up from my home for donation. There are plenty of people who need home goods and other things I will never use, so I’d like to get about 10-12 boxes ready for any charity that is willing to pick them up. This always helps me feel good; purging things I will never use that can help others. I choose a different charity each time, that way I’m helping more people. I believe that the good you send out into the world is a reflection and will be there for you in times when you most need it. It’s very much the “Law Of Three” for me. “That which you send out into the world returns to you threefold. Send it again and it returns in ten.” I think that’s a really nice way to spread positivity and hope.

Unfortunately, having that brief moment yesterday where I felt okay means I can barely move my upper body today. I fully intended to do a few more boxes this afternoon, but perhaps I should take some Aleve first. It’s sad that I’ve had to depend on Aleve for Fibromyalgia pain for well over a year now. Sometimes it helps for short periods of time, and other times it’s as if I swallowed Tic-Tacs. How promising. 😦 I definitely need to go back to herbs on a semi-regular basis.

I was able to get some editing done yesterday, despite being ticked off and despite the migraine from hell. I found so much wrong with the work though that I continued to over-analyze it. There are times when, as an editor, I have to step back and remind myself that it’s the writing, and it’s not MY work causing the issues. I think the best idea is to move forward and get it done. Whatever isn’t perfect will be re-done during the final round of editing, after revisions and rewrites. I know she has several other things she wants me to edit once this one returns to her for rewrites, which will be extensive, she has no idea how serious I am with my notes, and despite wanting a brief respite to focus on my own life, I think continuing with the same client is a good thing.

One of the new things I am getting ready to do is design my book cover. Even though I will be pursuing traditional publishing, I still want to have an idea of how the book will look. I’m going to draw up a rough sketch and talk it over with a graphic designer. Branding yourself properly is never a bad thing. In fact, it’s quite smart.

And so, I am off to tackle a few boxes and then do some charity research to see who needs what and how quickly they can come.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

I’d Hoped For A Thunderstorm

2015-04-04 Miss Poison April, Being Real, Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Musings, Petty Garbage, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Saturday, Toxic People, Writing Full Moon, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Toxic People, Writers, Writing

For every weather site and app that predicted thunderstorms last night into today; I am not happy with you. Deliver your predictions, lest people start believing that you “cold read” the weather to begin with and aren’t actually looking at all the colorful charts and fancy equipment you like to show us and claim is being used to “detect storms in the area”. Cat and kitten are better at predicting the weather accurately, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Has anyone else felt the intensity of this full moon? I’ve been ready to outright harm someone since about mid-day. Mind you, I’m very in tune with the elements, so that might have something to do with that. Moreover, some people are assholes and do not deserve the attention, and yet, people are wandering around the interwebs today causing drama and trying to place blame on others. Intelligent people with intelligent comments and opinions are not a part of the “clique of the dumb”. Everyone wants to be something that they’re not, and yet they all feel as though they’re a special part of an extremely large crowd. Ask me how many people I’ve had to block today…because the number is astounding. Simply put; I will not engage with morons. You get one chance with me and if you blow it, I’m done. Plus, I’m still trying to cope with the Polyamory group that somehow sought me out (I don’t get it, but to each their own. Obviously I’m not ignorant, I fully know what it is, etc., it’s just not my personal cup of tea.). I can barely tolerate one person at a time, you want me to add MORE people to my love life?! Clearly, the “invite” was sent to the WRONG Lisa Marino. This one is too busy today, tonight, and every day until I die. Try me in the afterlife, maybe I’ll entertain the notion then, which is precisely when I suspect I will be bored. At least Walmart was happy to send me a message about a whistling tea kettle. If only their site-to-store time wasn’t so long. They say it’s not, but I once waited nearly four months for an item I ordered that was only supposed to take two weeks. That item now sits in my laundry room, clean and unused because it is way too heavy for my bed and I suspect cat and kitten would claw it to bits.

Is it terrible that all I want to do is watch the basketball game and eat dinner? I tried taking a nap earlier and HE annoyed me in his search for a screwdriver to “fix a belt”. I’m not sure how fixing a belt equates to “Do you have any clear nail polish?”

I get asked the oddest questions.

Hard Work Makes Me Sleepy

2015-03-24 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Editing, Exhaustion, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing

This morning I said that I would push myself to work on this manuscript. I’ve revised portions of it so many times that it’s caused me to not go further into the manuscript than I normally would at this particular point in time. That irritates me, but my client is pleased and said she’d rather I be honest and do it right, than not be able to understand why I cut certain things and why there are thousands of words full of notes. I’m around 5000 additional words, all of which are notes and suggestions, and I’m not even halfway done, which is completely unlike me. Yes, I’ve been sick and in a lot of pain and I’ve got things going on in my real life that are sucking time away, but in truth, it’s no excuse.

For two hours this morning, I worked my ass off. When I finally glanced down at the time, I was surprised how much work I’d done in those two hours. I have a sneaking suspicion that I was able to get more work done in that short period of time than perhaps in all these weeks. Sad, but true. I own it.

As it nears 5:00 PM EDT, I simply want to crawl into my bed and not leave unless A) I need the bathroom or B) I get a headache from too much sleep (Yes, this can happen to people.). My body is demanding rest. The thought of cooking dinner, feeding the girls, and then beginning the female process of “getting ready for bed” makes me want to fall on the floor. If I’d remembered to eat earlier in the day, I’d skip dinner and go straight to the “getting ready for bed” part. Alas, I did not remember, so there is much to be done. Here’s hoping I don’t lose what’s left of my mind in the process.

Talk to you all soon! 🙂

Tell Me The Truth; Was I Run Over By A Truck?!

2015-03-08 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Weekends, Work, Writing

Sleep issues, for now, seem to be on their way to looking up. I was in bed so early last night, I’m certain every 80+ year old Grandmother was still awake when my head hit the pillow. When sleeping is difficult, it’s good to go to bed the second you can no longer keep your eyes open. Mission accomplished. It was after 4:00 a.m. when I realized that I never bothered to turn the clocks ahead an hour, but in the grand scheme of things; no harm, no foul.

Somehow the downside of a full night’s rest is that I woke up feeling like a Mack Truck had run over me, backed up, and proceeded to go at it a second time. Everything from my neck down to about mid-thigh feels broken, bruised, damaged, and whatever words are worse than “sore” and “achy”. By Fibro flare standards, this is pretty standard. It was twenty degrees colder yesterday, and yet today, while the temperature is slightly under a balmy 50 degrees, my body is working against me. Even my hair hurts…that’s not okay.

Weekends are never as long as they should be. For at least a year, I’d like one continuous weekend. There are weekends where you get a lot of writing/editing done (read: work) , and others where you get to enjoy things that you might not normally get to do (Minds out of the gutter.).

I’m extremely displeased with where this weekend went, but considering how much I have on my mind and on my plate, figuratively speaking, I just have to do better this week in terms of properly managing time.

In the meantime, I’ve got a ton of work and research ahead of me this week. I look forward to none of it. I’m having a hard time being passionate about what I do because the daily pain is just too much. Normally I am speedy and efficient. Right now, I am slow and I find fault with every other word. No matter how much positivity I can manage, at the beginning and end of each day I am still in excruciating pain and it’s hard not to take issue with that.

Here’s hoping everyone’s week is bright, and full of potential. I’ll be okay with significant progress, love, support, and a lot less pain.

Spring Forward

2015-03-072015-03-07 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Broken Plans, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Spring Forward, The Sun, Writing

One of the most evil things we deal with each year is ‘Spring Forward’, where the clocks go ahead one hour. I’ve already been robbed of quality sleep for damn near a month, and this will only add to that. The birds are awake too damn early and my bedroom faces East, so what’s in my darkened room right this minute? The mother-fucking SUN. PURE EVIL.

If you’ve never heard me talk about how I am paler than most corpses (One of my best friends calls it “the beautiful Snow White complexion”. Everyone else asks if I’m sick and suggests I “get a tan”.), you know why the sun is such an issue for me. I probably wear more sunscreen than is considered normal, but when you’ve lost multiple family members to various forms of cancer, you really shouldn’t take any unnecessary chances with your skin. It’s one of those things that is with you for your entire life. I am also highly photosensitive, so I avoid the sun and bright lights like the plague. I wear sunglasses at night because people’s headlights make me want to die, especially those attached to newer cars. I also avoid fake people, simply because they piss me off. 😛

Some people look forward to Spring, as a precursor to Summer. They look forward to being outside as often as possible, to flowers, gardening, etc. I do not, though I’d love a nice herb & veggie garden. Sadly, the green thumb went to a different relative. If I could find a climate where it was 65 degrees year-round, that is precisely where I would move. Once it’s below 40 degrees, I go into terrible Fibro flare. Once it goes over 70 degrees, I’m convinced I’m melting and I also flare up with ease. Extreme temperatures and I do not mesh well. It’s hard to believe I used to go out in single digits temperatures, or lower, with soaking wet hair all winter long. Times, they are changin’.

I had plans for today that suddenly went poof yesterday because a family member is sick (read: whining like a big fucking baby.) and apparently requires a round-the-clock nurse/maid because he is refusing to go to Urgent Care or the Emergency Room. I am LIVID that I got roped into this. Payback is a bitch, and he’d best be prepared for what I have in store because he waited until the very last minute, knowing full well I had places to be today. Yes, I can do most of these things another day, but that’s not the point. Sometimes you need “me time” to breathe and take care of yourself. Today was supposed to be that time for me, even if only for a few hours. I could attempt it tomorrow, but “Spring Forward” always screws with me badly for the first few weeks, so I don’t anticipate being able to get out early. On the plus side, one place IS open 24 hours, so if I really want to get those things done, I can still go, even if it’s later on in the day.

So now, on very little sleep, I’m off in search of something just slightly caffeinated (because I’ve already taken two Excedrin Tension Headache capsules and that’s enough to keep me awake for three days straight. Plus, I’ve mentioned my caffeine detox, right?) so I can have a little breakfast and watch Banshee. After that, I’m contemplating drowning myself (I’m KIDDING. The last thing I need is one more idiot taking my words and tone out of context!). In all seriousness, that probably can’t happen in the shower, but at the very least, it means I get privacy and silence for an hour or so. After I thoroughly Lysol the place to make sure his infectedness does not decide to hop on board. It might seem like overkill, but I really cannot afford to be any sicker than I already am. If I wasn’t mildly concerned, I would have already strangled him for waking me up with his coughing and kvetching. If I didn’t have real evidence of the illness, I’d think he was one of the greatest performance artists of all time, because the drama is off the charts.

Whatever your plans are today, I hope they’re the exact opposite of mine. Enjoy your weekend. Visit with friends, see a movie, read a great book, do something for YOU. If you’re miserable or feeling lonely, look into adopting a pet. They’re great company and will utterly ignore you just as completely as a person. However, they are often far superior in terms of company.

It Doesn’t Feel Like A Saturday

2015-02-07 Miss Poison Being Sick, Exhaustion, Life, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Work, Writing Being Sick, Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, Life, Musings, The Judge, Work, Writing

Perhaps having a stressful week and being sick has made me feel like today is Friday, instead of Saturday. It’s disorienting. The sunrise looked more like a sunset, so incredibly stunning in blues and pinks. I have little interest now though in watching the actual sunset. I think it’s just laziness.

I completed a job this afternoon. I must be underestimating myself because I don’t usually pay attention to how many words I read in a day. I am very pleased to have this one behind me, it was incredibly quick and painless. I have several jobs waiting in the wings, minus the contracts. Until the contracts are signed, I get a brief respite. One contract will be printed, signed, and scanned tonight. Hopefully that will keep me busy for a while, especially since the only part of it I’ve worked on thus far is the first two pages.

I am fighting off something ugly (Kindly pull the knives out of my back so that I can feel my lungs, thank you.), so I’m trying to get better rest and do what I can to de-stress. All easier said than done. One day I was fine, the next day I was coughing so badly that my ribs feel bruised. Being sick like this has a way of making you feel far more fragile than you actually are.

I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I’d like my own personal cave, complete with WiFi.

Yesterday, while in the middle of cooking, I finally got to see Gone Girl. The book was excellent, and I’m pretty sure it reiterated by issues with marriage, but the movie was also well done. Kudos to Gillian Flynn for not only writing the book, but also writing the screenplay. Next up will be The Judge. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m happy to say that two weeks in a row, I managed to score a good two hours of “me time”, with no interruptions. It really helps ones’ psyche to place themselves first at times and not allow anyone to interfere with that. I will be busy this week, but I still intend to set aside a few hours for myself, even if only to breathe or catch up on all the shows I’ve been missing.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

1390696_621009854605061_294094327_n — When not sprawled out like spoiled beasts, this is precisely what my girls have been doing. I think they’re multiplying.

Freelance Doesn’t Mean Free

2015-01-20 Miss Poison Being Real, Clients, Creativity, Editing, Exhaustion, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Things That Enrage Me, Unbelievable Crap, Work, Writers, Writing Being Real, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Work, Writing

Some days, I am utterly appalled by the audacity of others. There is a fine line between offering to help someone as a form of empowering another woman, and then dealing with the opposite side of the coin where someone wants you to do a job, but then wants you to lower your rate.

When I work with someone for the first time on a novel length project, or something larger (like a trilogy), I respectfully ask for 30-50% up front as a down payment. This protects me if the person eventually backs out. If they do, I’ve at least gotten something for my hard work. When a person jumps on my schedule and then tells me the down payment is “too high” (By my standards, it was actually too low.), but already admitted she was going to pay a hell of a lot more to another editor who could not take her until the end of next month, it grates on my hard-working nerves. I don’t like being screwed with.

Just like everyone else, I have bills to pay. They come every month, like clockwork, and none of them are willing to negotiate with me. Sometimes, you don’t eat because someone wants to wait two weeks to pay you. It sucks.

I’ve discussed my philosophy before about hiring an editor and it still stands solid: COME TO PLAY. Expect to pay. Yes, you can “shop around” for someone less expensive, but inevitably, you do get what you pay for.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve done thousands of dollars worth of work for little to no money. It’s terribly insulting to someone with 20 years of experience, but a job is a job. I will take a proofreading job if it will pay a bill or put food on the table. I will beta read for someone if that means I’m being paid. It’s not fun, but it is what it is.

I truly wish every aspiring writer knew how to use spell check, understood that commas are crucial, and didn’t have a negative attitude towards having to pay someone for WORK. Lets face facts, no one goes to work for free. You may love your job (I know a handful of people that do.), but ultimately you love your paycheck as well. Even a shitty paycheck can pay the rent/mortgage, pay for food, keep the lights on, etc. As a woman that has to do it all herself, I find myself less and less amused by the greed of others.

Alas, I’m simply venting. I have a migraine and because I’ve had terrible struggles with sleep of late, I know it will be a long time before my head hits the pillow. On the plus side, I have several hours all to myself tomorrow afternoon into the early evening. I am FINALLY going to change my hair color after saying I would do so for the past month. That might seem silly, but a company did send me a product to use and write reviews, and that’s one of the fun things about having a beauty blog on the side. I really think going back to that for a while and allowing myself to be creative would be beneficial to my health. I’m sure no one wants to read my bitching. God, please grant me the Serenity not to murder all of these idiots.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is a superior day for us all. 🙂

Overreaching

2014-11-272014-11-27 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Musings, Pain, Pet Owners, Pets, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanksgiving, Writing Cooking, Family, Fibromyalgia, Food, Friendships, Gratitude, Pain, Pets, Poison In Lethal Doses, Relationships, Thanksgiving, Writing

I decided a few weeks ago to forgo all the “traditional” Thanksgiving Day fare. I did not relish the idea of dealing with a turkey when a good half of it would end up in the garbage or making stuffing because I made it last year and there is simply NEVER enough stuffing one can have. I’m a carb fiend, take my word on this. FYI for all pet owners: Do not give your dogs or cats dark meat, it’s too rich for them.

Alas, I came up with a different idea. It’s a great idea. However, after a very long day of shopping in two different stores for everything I needed yesterday, I woke up this morning (way too early) and had a moment of utter panic.

What possessed me to think that chopping 7 pounds of vegetables would be “no big deal”? I’m more concerned with my Fibromyalgia, because it is flaring up BIG TIME today from my neck to my ankles, than I am about my skills with a knife (I already sliced myself last night on a mixer blade.). I will have no choice, but to take breaks in between each veggie (there are 4 in total, but there is, obviously, a LOT of it.). My only “plus” is that having had a migraine yesterday afternoon, which required medicine with caffeine to abort it out of my system, I was left wide awake into the wee hours of the morning. It was around 10:30 or so last night when I decided I was “awake, therefore I should bake”. It took more time to mix up the batter than it did to bake the two cakes I made. I thought they were awful, until I tasted the 100% cooled product this morning. It’s a little like dying and going to heaven, depending on what you like cake wise. I’m only feeling certain flavors these days. But hey, that’s one additional thing out of the way. All I have to do is frost the cake, though I do have to say that certain frostings are so disgusting, and filled with chemicals that terrify me, that I wish I’d taken a spare 30 seconds to read one can before agreeing to it. However, it’s not going into MY body, so it’s not on me. At least the normal one has ingredients in it that I can pronounce, as opposed to “Let me just Google this…” That is the quickest way to ruin dessert.

I think Aleve should be forced to change their advertising slogan from “It’s your life, pain shouldn’t get in the way. 2 pills will provide up to 12 hours of relief.” (Less than ten years ago, they claimed that 2-3 pills was 24 hours of pain relief compared to 8 Tylenol. Who the hell are they kidding? Neither of them work.) to “2 pills MIGHT give you an hour or so of peace.” There’s absolutely no drastic difference if I use the brand name or a generic version, there’s no such thing as true “relief”. I’m willing to do a LOT right now for true pain relief, but I have my limits. I already feel like someone beat me to death and no one has found my body yet, so if you don’t hear from me for a while, I must have posted from the spirit realm.

Dinner won’t be “early” tonight, hell, it might not even be served in a timely fashion, but I’ll do my best to get it all done. I have an assistant, we’ll see how long he lasts before I throw him out of the kitchen. As long as there’s no bloodshed (from my chopping knife), it’s all good.

No matter how you spend this holiday or where you are spending it, especially for our troops overseas who are away from their families, take a moment to appreciate the good things in your life and all the unhappy, bad shit that lead you to this place. Take stock of all that is important to you. Sometimes we find that the list is huge and other times we find that the list is smaller. My list is in the acknowledgements of Book One. I cannot say it’s short.

Don’t just be thankful today, be thankful every day.

Exhausted

2014-11-22 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Writing Deadened, Exhaustion, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Writing

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I’d like to sit and cry, but I don’t even have the emotional capacity to do so today. I can’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly deadened.

I’ve spent an enormous chunk of my life taking care of others, being the dutiful daughter, being responsible and reliable, but now, all I want to do is not be anything. It’s not depression, per se, it’s having reached burnout. I’m not burnt out on work, but I am burnt out on almost all the exterior aspects of my life. Not all, because I am grateful for who and what I have in my life, but almost all. Sometimes you just have to say “Enough!” to all the nonsense and all the craziness, and retreat. You’re not defeated, you just need rest. You need love and support, and people who can be relied upon no matter what. You don’t want or need drama. And that is precisely how I feel. To sit here today and write would be false, and I’m not going to do it.

In fact, I am going to go back to sleep and give myself some “self-care”. I slept horribly last night, and woke feeling like I’d waged war. It feels very “Lord Of The Rings” inside my head. Maybe after a few hours of sleep and a shower, I will start feeling human again. I cannot speak for tomorrow or anything else, I can only say I have to take care of me.

I hope everyone has a phenomenal Saturday. Don’t forget to do something nice for yourself this weekend.