Stick A Fork In Me!

2014-11-19 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Writing Fibromyalgia Pain, Honesty, Migraines, Pieces Of Me, Writing

I have been hard at work for hours now. The plus side, I am getting closer to being done, which is fantastic. The downside, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the shock of the bitter cold or if the excruciating pain of the past few weeks has simply drained me of my life force, but all I want to truly do is sleep. Mind you, without deadlines, stress, cries, or meows, I might stay in bed for a week. Realistically speaking, I know full well that I cannot do that, so all I can do is rest when I need to.

There is something so incredibly disturbing about Fibromyalgia pain. Aside from being completely unnatural; It’s constantly with you. It is a never-ending cycle that makes you want to remove your own muscles and bones, and set them aside. When you cannot sit, stand, or walk, and all you want to do is scream because the pain is THAT bad, you lose the ability to feel a whole lot (if any) of sympathy for the people who DO find automatic pain relief. There’s no medication that will “fix” this and make it better. None whatsoever. I’ve tried pretty much everything available, so I can only hope and pray that when someone new is finally FDA approved, that it won’t be an epic fail.

I am certain regular use of Icy/Hot, while topical, probably isn’t very healthy for the body overall. And yet, I am convinced I should be buying them in cases of 12, as opposed to one bottle at a time. I’m pretty sure Walmart would find it odd if I bought more than 2 or 3 in one shot, but I honestly cannot take much more of this. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I want to be able to live my life the way I used to. I don’t want exercise to mean I will be bloody and bruised, and completely unable to move, but exhilarated with a sense of accomplishment. When I walk, I am faced with the consequences of bruised, aching muscles. If I turn in the wrong direction, I might not be able to move for a week, or longer. There is no over-the-counter medicine that can touch this pain. I’ve taken my fair share of pain medications and eventually, they cease to work. At this point, I’m not even sure if a pain pump would be “enough”, but I am going to bring it up to a specialist next year.

In the meantime, my stressful morning has led to a migraine. Thankfully the medication for that DOES tend to work, and I’ve just taken two. My work day is officially over right now, at least until the migraine passes and darkness falls. Here’s looking forward to 5:00 PM.

Sick & Tired

2014-10-20 Miss Poison Cats, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Kittens, Life, Mondays, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Work, Writing Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Mondays, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reading, Rest, Sleep, Stress, TV, Weekends, Writing

I am sick & tired. Mostly of being both of the aforementioned. Because I have Fibromyalgia, my body responds differently to the weather and a lot of other external things that I, personally, cannot control. I have heightened senses, so a lot of smells make me sick and I often have to retreat to my bedroom, with the blinds drawn tight, because the sun and most sources of light just plain kill me. If you ever see me coming home at 2:00 a.m., it’s almost certain you will see me wearing sunglasses. This disturbs a lot of people, but it is a necessity for me. Most people I know that have light eyes also have the same issue, but it depends. Fibro, Chronic Pain, and/or migraines can affect anyone to this degree. And yes, I do have light eyes.

I did get some rest over the weekend, but really, the entire weekend itself was a blur. Reading, writing, sleeping, laundry, cats, hot chocolate, TV, and not necessarily in that order. My DVR wants me to play “catch up”. I think I’m secretly trying to see if it REALLY holds 200 hours of Hi-Def TV or if Verizon is just screwing with me. Of course, I have NO IDEA what the hell one does with 200 hours of television. I’m not sure anything is that interesting. I deleted a show off my queue entirely and deleted the two episodes I had not seen. Once you lose me, you lose me, there’s no sense in me watching the ship sink. There are far superior shows I will be VERY sad to see go, like Sons of Anarchy. The fact that I missed a few seasons and need to catch up on those doesn’t take away from how hooked I’ve become. Others I’ve been with since day one and I’m sure I will be much sadder to say good-bye to. Alas, nothing lasts forever. Except, apparently, Supernatural. I missed a lot of last season, so I’m glad this one is holding my interest and making me laugh. I have a twisted sense of humor, sue me.

Today I am going to attempt to finish Bones Never Lie. I openly admit to being hooked to these books, even when on the rare occasion, they scare the crap out of me. It’s only happened once or twice. Patricia Cornwell is much more apt to terrify me and make me double-check that I’ve locked all the doors. Her books have also made me think someone was hiding in my trees, but that’s a story for another morning. We’ll blame that moment on cold medicine I may, or may not, have been taking at the time. 😉

I want to take a moment and thank Nicholas C. Rossis for sending me a copy of one of his books. Go over to his blog and let him know I sent you. 🙂 It’s important for writers to support one another.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled “stuff” for the day. Happy Monday.

Caring For Pets With Chronic Pain/Fibromyalgia

2014-09-202014-10-03 Miss Poison Animals, Cats, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Kittens, Pet Owners, Pets, Pieces Of Me Cats, Chronic Pain, Fibromylagia, Kittens, Pets, Writing

Caring For Pets With Chronic Pain/Fibromyalgia

Across the scale of Chronic Pain/Fibro sufferers, I have noticed a very high percentage of us are pet owners. I, myself, adopted a kitten last Fall. The tiny, under three pounds, kitten I brought home (see photo in the About section) that fell asleep in my lap after a few hours of being home that first night is now a rambunctious, troublesome, cheeky, full sized cat, but she’s still got a lot of kitten in her in terms of youth and spirit.

When I want to sleep, she wants to play. When she’s asleep, I’m usually working. This does not bother her, she curls up into a ball and sleeps deeply, or she sprawls out like royalty and takes over half the bed. Of course, there are also times where she’s off being a cat. She has a lot of odd little hiding places.

Initially, I ran myself ragged caring for her. She was so tiny, I didn’t want her to get trapped someplace or be afraid, especially since she’s one of those rare breeds that doesn’t really meow. After a short confinement period, she took over the entire house. The shelter told me she was my property, but I don’t think she quite sees it that way. I am pretty sure she’s got Kitty LoJack on my ass.

As we’ve slowly gotten to know one another, the daily care is minimal. I feed her, I change her water multiple times a day, I brush her (for a short-haired cat, her belly is similar to that of a medium-to-long haired cat. I can brush it daily and a ton of hair will come off. She finds this rude. Why am I stealing her hair?!), I clean her ears and clip her nails, I talk to her, and throw toys for her, because “playing fetch” is one of her favorite things to do. She runs around with a toy in her mouth, brings it to you eagerly, plops down, and then waits to see what you will do with it. And then, she’s off and running on her next fetch adventure. This can go on for hours.

She came from a very cat filled household, but since all of her siblings had already been adopted out, I decided she could be the solo kitty for a while. However, for the past few months I have been communicating with a foster parent and I am about to embark on kittens again, this time slightly older than she was when I got her. The shelter told me they feel she is the right age to accept them, but that I can return them within 21 days if things don’t work out. I’d feel terrible if she rejected them or hurt them, but they’re bonded siblings, they’ll have each other to play with if she’s being a shit for a while. I expect she will be. I expect she’ll wonder who these encroachers are in HER home, especially if Mommy is sweet to them.

In all fairness, I have been telling her about them for months. I have used soft, dulcet tones to tell her how excited she’ll be to have a little brother and sister to play with. How they’ll get to do all the fun stuff together that Mommy can’t do because she’s in too much pain. I use their potential names when I tell her about her siblings, and I try to make sure she understands that some sharing will be involved.

And then, anxiety set in. I can barely get out of bed and see to her needs each day, what am I THINKING bringing in two additional little creatures? The shelter and my vet’s office said I was “A shining example of what all adopters should be.” Color my ass surprised, and flattered. However, is this realistic? I am deeply concerned.

Strictly speaking, I fly solo in almost all things, but especially when it pertains to pet care. I may not do all of the playing, but everything else, it’s 100% Mommy. I’ve never truly had just one cat before, except as a child and much later on in life, when my cat’s sister passed away, leaving her the solo cat. That was different. This time I see my little espresso bean wanting to play, looking bored and unhappy at times, and all I can think is “She needs a friend.”

Initially I only wanted one, but I ended up falling in love with the 2nd of a bonded pair of siblings. They’re utterly adorable and closing in on six months in foster care. I am deeply concerned about my little girl A) Rejecting them, B) Acting out because she thinks she’s being replaced, and C) Hurting one, or both, of them. I’m also concerned with my health getting worse and what it will be like for me to have to handle two litter boxes per week instead of one (at least for now), feeding the little ones at meal times because they’re on a schedule and espresso bean is not, playing with all of them when I’m already exhausted from just the one, and then sleep time. The little bean sleeps when she feels like it, especially since Mommy doesn’t feel well, writes when she can, and sleeps when she’s ready to pass out. She will sleep with me when she feels like it, and other times I look over and she’s standing on my night-stand staring at me, making little chirping sounds. The little ones go to sleep each night, sleeping next to their foster mother. What will the bean do when she finds two new cats in my bed?!? Will she kick them out, act out, be violent?! This is completely and utterly freaking me out.

So, I ask my fellow pain sufferers: How do you handle multiple animals in your home? Do you have help, do your pets act out towards one another, am I just over-thinking this? I expect an adjustment period, obviously, but should I be questioning whether or not to just take one, or should I take them both and let the chips fall where they may?

A small part of me is also concerned about the adoption fees. I got the bean for a steal because she’s an all black cat and no one wanted to adopt her. Her adoption fee was so cheap, I felt like I stole her, except I didn’t, I got an awesome little friend. If I wait a few more weeks, the fees will be considerably less than if I do it now, and the truth is, I have to wait a few weeks regardless because I am already dealing with some heavy shit and that must be handled first. Only then can I handle stocking up on cat litter and their current kitten food, and setting them up for their new life with me.

Am I being ridiculous, unreasonable, unfair, or thinking this through intelligently? Please leave your comments and let me know what you think. Generally I am not an advice seeker, but I’ve been freaking out over this for weeks now and I need to make a decision soon. Is three too many, or is two more realistic?

Emotionally Bad Days

2014-09-09 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Growth, Health, Humor, Pieces Of Me, Unfiltered, Writing Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Finding My Center, Growth, Health, Humor, Laughter, Pieces Of Me, Writing

I don’t care how positive you are about life, or the world at large, an emotionally bad day can, and will, screw with you.

I was up way too late last night, which I partially blame on a phone call, but take full responsibility for the rest. I was beat, but for some reason, I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep. By the time I got into bed, my pain had escalated so bad I wanted to cry, scream, throw things, and just plain have an epic tantrum. Alas, I’m not under the age of 10, so tantrums don’t look very good and aren’t acceptable, not even in the privacy of my own home. All I truly wanted was some rest and the pain to stop. I am not sure if anyone else uses any Icy/Hot type of product with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain. I have had decent results with an organic one, but right now the pain is so bad that there’s simply no reason to be concerned about a chemical that MIGHT affect you some day up the road. Not when you’re a step away from ripping your own limbs off with your bare hands. Believe it or not, Walmart makes the BEST generic version of this stuff that I have ever used. I can cover my entire back and legs in it and fall asleep in bliss. Even better, it lasts longer, so I will remain asleep. Note To Self: MUST BUY TOMORROW.

Experiencing pain like this day in and day out is very difficult for me to navigate. It screws with my creative process, it slows down my brain capacity because my body is, essentially, battling itself, and it makes me feel like a complete and utter moron that cannot find her words. I am incredibly articulate, but I have days when my words are absolutely baffling, even to me. Sometimes they’re funny, and easily laughed off, and other times I am disturbed by how the concise thought in my head became the most distorted sentence ever to be heard by another person. Thankfully the people in my life aren’t judging me too harshly. I’ll say something bizarre, I’ll get stared at for a second or two, and then we’ll laugh. Or it will be SO outrageous that I’ll still be hearing about it weeks later, because it’s that funny and so unlike me. I say goofy shit all the time to make people laugh and to make them feel better, but when it’s completely unintentional, it can become a bit of a laugh fest.

Today, I take the time to rest. Yesterday was too highly charged emotionally for me, and I am still freaked out. I am praying for better, stronger days ahead. I am trying to ward off the negative by focusing on the positive and looking clearly at my future. Some days I feel so incredibly old that I don’t think there’s much of a future there, but then I realize that I’m not in the grave just yet, so it’s time to keep fighting.

And fight on, I shall.

P.S. Thank you & WELCOME to all the new subscribers. I am so humbled and awed by the positive support. I notice many of you are following me on both platforms and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. 🙂

Have You Ever Had A Day…

2014-09-08 Miss Poison Being Real, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Uncategorized, Unfiltered, Writing Answers, Fibromyalgia, God/Goddess, Help, Hope, Horrific Days, Power, Prayer, Strength, Writing

Have You Ever Had A Day…

We’ve all had days where we’d like to call into work or life “dead”. For me, today is one of those days. I’ve reached a breaking point. It started yesterday, when I had to walk away from a very serious look at suicide. No, I am not seeking attention with my honesty, I am simply being forthcoming. Why do so many things have to go wrong all at once? Why does every single thing in life revolve around money?

Money equates security, and it also equates greed, depending on how you look at it. Some people are so greedy for “stuff” that they never realize they could be helping someone in need. It doesn’t even occur to them. No matter how bad things get in my life, I always look at where I came from and if a small donation to charity will make a difference, then I will do it. If helping someone with a problem, or simply being a good person is what is needed of me on any given day, then I don’t even think about it, I just do it.

For me, money is about security. It’s about making sure the bills are paid, there is a roof over my head, and food on the table. It’s also about providing for my overall health. Yes, I like nice things, what woman doesn’t, but if it comes down to buying something shiny and buying food, I am going to choose food. If it comes down to paying my bills or buying something fancy, I am going to pay my bills. In this, I feel like my priorities are in check. Someone suggested to me that during my struggles, I get rid of my cat. I was LIVID. I would rather STARVE than surrender a precious little life that trusts and loves me into the hands of a shelter. Who else will cheer me up with her insane antics and ankle biting?!

Some days though, I simply don’t know how I survive, or why. These past two years have been a terrible struggle for me with my health, with family, and life in general. When you’re suffering, finances dwindle pretty quickly. As my health worsens, I am faced with the very real possibility of being homeless, of requiring a pain pump to help manage the Fibromyalgia, and possibly a wheelchair. I assure you that I am far too young for the last two, and yet, these are all very real possibilities. Moreover, they’re terrifying.

If you believe in a Higher Power, today I ask that you say a little prayer for anyone and everyone suffering and struggling. I will do the same. I believe strongly in the power of prayer, and I also believe that sometimes the best things comes out of the absolute worst things.

Today I find myself desperate, humbled, and scared for so many reasons. I have nothing left, but to believe that God has answers, and that they will soon show themselves in unexpected ways.

Out Of The Ashes

2014-08-082014-08-17 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Pieces Of Me, Writing Chronic Pain, Doctors, Drug Addiction, Fibromyalgia, Health, Medicine, Painkillers, Writing

Out Of The Ashes

One of the first PILD pieces I ever wrote was about drug addiction. It was an incredibly poignant piece of prose, but the basic theme was this: Anyone can become addicted to prescription pain medicine. This is a simple fact.

This is a new blog, and since many of the readers may not know me from “…..And The Moon Sees All”, let me clarify why I am writing about this particular subject.

In 2003, I believe, after years of bizarre pain and recurring injuries that I could not explain, a doctor sat me down and said “All of your tests have come back negative. Your blood work is good, everything’s negative. Your MRI is clear. Your x-rays only show the spinal issues that the MRI showed 4 years ago. Have you ever heard of Fibromyalgia?” I had only heard about it in passing, I did not know a lot about it. Not much was known about it on a whole, but in all honesty, I was a little too distracted, because knowing that what I had was not Lupus was much more prevalent in my mind.

My world changed that afternoon, and has continued to change every day since then. I finally had answers for what was plaguing me. Unfortunately, I did not know just how much the disease itself would plague my life, what it would take away, the time it would rob me of, and I still have no idea what it will do to me in the future.

When all of the pain began, I was put on several different types of pain medication and a muscle relaxer as the standard operating procedure. Coming from a background where I had worked for a professional athlete who’d had his demons with pain medication, I was not a fan of what this entailed. I was not going to become a person that lived her life based on her next dose, nor was I going to become this person that abused what she was given. To this day, I am still one of the most responsible users of medication that I know.

As the years have come and gone, I’ve pretty much adhered to a 2-3 times a day policy, even on my worst days. Technically I am allowed 8-10 pills per day. Many years ago, when the medication simply wasn’t strong enough because I’d been on it for so long, I was taking the maximum allowed dose every single day. Eventually, it all stopped working and I lost my patience. I then weaned myself off of it and now, on the absolute worst days, I will only take something at night. During the day I will take Tylenol or Aleve, but at night, I allow myself the prescription. On days when I cannot move a muscle or get out of bed, I might allow myself a morning pill, but I’ll definitely chastise myself over it.

Millions of people suffer from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain. There are a laundry list of side effects from each and the truth is, to this day, I still don’t know for sure if I have one or the other, or a combination thereof. My doctors have been lax. They have found it easier to refill prescriptions and try to refer me elsewhere because what I am going through is truly out of their wheelhouse.

I took very high doses of Cymbalta for 8 years and it did give me aspects of my life back. I almost felt like a regular person again. However, once it stopped working, I could no longer go back on it. I have tried multiple times at the 20 mg level (the lowest dose possible) and even that is too high a dose for my body now. I have tried Lyrica and while I know it helps some people, for me personally, I think it is a seriously awful drug. It was like being 100% aware in a coma. In turn, I’m not touching Savella with a ten foot pole.

My first referral was to a pain management center where they spend the entire day performing epidurals and nerve blocks. Strictly speaking, unless you are done having kids (which I am NOT, and obviously this only applies to women), you shouldn’t be using this as a form of pain relief unless you’ve chosen not to have kids. The risk of an epidural wearing off for me in the future in the middle of childbirth is a risk I am not willing to take. I spoke with my doctor about it and he was mortified that this was the only option being made available to me. He agreed with my perspective and said that if I went through with it, I would absolutely have one fail during childbirth. At that point, I was left without options.

I have tried experimental medications, some of which have only recently been approved for the treatment of Chronic Pain. One in particular robbed me of a week of my life, I will never take it again. I have done several courses of Eastern Medicine and while some of it worked well, others were so temporary that I don’t feel like two hours of pain relief is worth spending a week in bed. Herbs are not addictive, but you do continue to seek pain relief from them if they work. It becomes a different type of pattern, albeit a natural one that isn’t habit-forming.

My next step in this lengthy, exhausting process is a Fibromyalgia specialist. Yes, they do exist, but they’re hard to find and it’s not easy to get on a waiting list to see one. Many of them do not take any form of insurance, except Medicare, so they definitely don’t make it easy for you to seek out pain relief and the proper treatment method for your body. However, I am determined to get in to see the one in my area, even if that means a 6+ month wait, or longer.

I did nothing to cause the Fibromyalgia from creeping into my body and systematically trying to take over. There is a widespread belief that it is caused by physical and/or emotional trauma in your life, and the on-set is different for everyone. It is widely speculated that mine was caused due to a gymnastics injury that lingers to this day, but the truth is, my doctor was simply going over my history and looking for a particular physically traumatic event to try to help me find some closure as to how it may have happened. We will never truly know with any certainty.

Some people have Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain so mildly, that their flare-ups are just a few days per month. Others are experiencing pain so severe that they cannot function or take care of themselves, their lives change in the blink of an eye. None of us WANT to end up in wheelchairs, but I keep hearing about it and that is incredibly scary to me.

This disease is like many, it is a predator. It targets anyone, it does not discriminate. It can, and it does, happen to anyone.

So, the next time someone tells you they have Fibromyalgia, do not tell them they “don’t look sick”. I can’t tell you how often I get told that I “look great”. Yes, and it takes me 5 hours to look that way.

Don’t judge someone with any form of Chronic Pain or Fibromyalgia. Do some research and do what you can to lighten their load, even if it means cleaning a room for them when you can, taking them to doctors appointments when you are able, or cooking for them so that they don’t have to struggle in their attempts to put a meal together for themselves and/or their family. Be a supportive ear, and don’t take it personally when they inevitably have to cancel plans with you constantly because the pain is too much. They aren’t doing it on purpose, they don’t hate or dislike you, but they DO hate their pain. Do what you can to put their mind at ease. Be kind, be courteous, and above all, treat them the way you’d want to be treated if you found yourself in the same position tomorrow. If they weren’t able to go with you to see that movie, bring it to them when it comes out on DVD and provide them with a fun movie night at home. Make them comfortable. Show them that you care. Take their pain seriously and they will respect you for that. If you walk away from them thinking that they’re faking it or that it’s “all in their head”, pause for a second and factor in the simplicity of karma.