“Trust your partner’s way of coping to be the best they are able to do and be at every moment in time.” ―Nathalie Himmelrich
Month: December 2022
I Wish I Had Words, But That Isn’t What I’ve Got
It would be great to have words on the fifteenth anniversary of my father’s death, but all I’ve got is anger. Anger, frustration, zero tolerance for bullshit, and absolutely no patience, empathy, or compassion for humanity at large right now. Facts are facts; why sugar coat it?!
While this year held many incredible and beautiful moments for me, it was also a stark reminder of isolation, the absolute fragility of life, and opened my eyes even further to the behavior of those who claim to love me. I have come to the decision that this fake love needs to be eliminated from my life, along with fake friendships which, while they may have been good for many years, no longer hold any meaning or value. There is no need to hold on to people who do not wish to put forth any effort. You do not need permission to let go of people who sicken you; whoever they may be.
The past few months have taken an epic toll on me. I have tried speaking about it here and there, but I have not been met with much support. This left me feeling like I couldn’t share it with anyone because no one care enough to hear my thoughts. This sort of explains my need to eliminate that which does not fit, and perhaps have room to embrace new people along the way, or not. The choice ultimately lies with me.
I wish I had more to offer today, but I don’t, and my honesty on the matter will have to be enough.
copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.
We Are Each Alone In Our Bubble Of Grief…
“We are each alone in the bubble of our grief, and while it’s true that misery loves company, sorrow is not reduced or diminished in any way when it’s shared.” ―Bianca Marais
Breathe Through It
I’ve always wondered what the hell is wrong with the majority of the people in this world. For some unknown reason, they believe caffeine, sunshine, fresh air, a glass of water, or a cup of tea will magically solve ALL of your problems. If only it were so simple!
Have you ever felt better when someone says, “You need to calm down?” Of course, not. It’s so rarely said with good intentions. Usually, it is said to stop you from talking, or to shut a situation down. FUCK THAT.
I recently had a panic attack that was so bad, I had to keep telling myself, “Just breathe through it.” repeatedly. For hours. No, I did NOT feel better trying to minimize what I was going through, or why. In fact, I felt stupid for thinking I could mantra my way out of a panic attack which was impeding my ability to breathe.
Someone finally stopped me to chat, and told me I am so heavily triggered right now, that everything is bothering me on a higher frequency. They suggested talking to my doctor about this, in order to get some support. Stupidly, I brought up the issue, only to hear the most insincere, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I have family for that comment, I do NOT need it from my support system. I found myself angered, and unable to talk about how painful it was to have to bring it up at all. I speak to him again after the holidays, and I am genuinely torn between speaking up or simply going elsewhere for what I need. The second you feel like your needs aren’t being met somewhere, you should not be inclined to blame yourself. I’d like to normalize talking about this because too often, women do not.
The month of December brings up a lot of pain and heartache for me. I cannot just “breathe through it”. It’s been a while since I’ve acknowledged how bad my Complex PTSD is, but it’s bad. and I feel unable to fully cope. Mostly because, medication usually helps, but this year, it is all just hitting harder than usual. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot to distract me, so it’s present every minute of the day. It’s beginning to cause insomnia, which worries me, because I’m finally going to bed at a decent hour and often getting decent sleep, but not now. Now I am tormented, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Alas, I will probably survive. Or maybe I’ll just breathe through it. 🙄
copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 