Pieces Of Me

Eleven Days

Miss Poison Grief/Grieving, Stages Of Grief, Writing , , , , , , ,

For some reason, the number of days hit me. December is never an easy month for me, but this year I’ve got more grief than usual weighing on my heart. It’s unbelievably intense and heavy. I try to talk about it, and the pain seizes control of my vocal cords. It shuts me up and shuts me down. In the end, I go back to a state of isolation and silence, because those are safer places to be. For now.

My voice is my strongest and best asset in this world. Whenever I have to go into a deep, dark well of silence, I feel like someone took me to the vet and neutered me (BTW, Cat and Kitten did pretty well at the vet this year. They maintained their weight, are in good health, minus my having to add some supplements for arthritis, and tolerated a new vet who I wanted to smack. It’s sad to see tiny kittens in your head, and then see their ages on paper in black and white. It startled me. I genuinely hope they will be with me a long time. Also, it was much easier to sedate them in order to avoid shrieking and any additional trauma. They still meowed their displeasure, but they were very well behaved, overall. I came out with two minor scratches, as opposed to last year’s Blood Match, so YAY on that.). I HATE feeling like I cannot be my true self. If only there was medication to fix that for me!

When you’re dealing with grief, NO ONE gets to tell you that your feelings are invalid or, “have gone on too long”. No one gets to tell you when your pain ends, except you. The truth is, some pain will stick with you until your dying day. That’s part of your humanity, and I hope you never lose it. I would be more concerned with those who feel NOTHING and/or want you to, “get over it” because it’s an inconvenience to their life. Heartless shit is a red flag; please remember this for future reference.

Unfortunately, I have to take my pain into therapy. I’m not happy about that, but I need some support. My expectations are nil. You can’t make people understand what you’re experiencing, or have experienced. Even by giving some people comparison pain, they still don’t get it. I assure you, what people do or do not comprehend isn’t your fault. For me, I’m rethinking many of my relationships because it isn’t my job to help people comprehend things and/or meet me on my level. In fact, it is almost certainly time for me to move on to new energy. I owe no one anything, and this is something I am trying to remember each day.

Yes, I have other things to talk about and share, but for now, I’m at eleven days and I am HURTING. I pray for better moments where I can celebrate, instead of feel overwhelming grief and sadness.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Experiencing What You Can’t Talk About

Miss Poison Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes, we go through something we cannot talk about. Something deeply private and painful. I want to share what I have been through, but it’s not entirely my story to tell. To some degree, it is entirely mine, but I’m not selfish. Someone else has a vested interest in this pain, and so, I am trying to honor both sides of the coin.

Personally, I need to talk. I need to know I am not alone. I need others to know they are not alone. I need support. I looked at my family, and nixed all of them. We simply don’t have the kind of relationship where I feel comfortable going to anyone and opening up on such a deep level. It’s a very painful subject and I know what I will be met with. Ten minutes after I say anything, my entire family will know my business. It’s a fucking insidious game of telephone which I find toxic, and choose not to support. That means, biological family is off grid.

I then looked hard at my friend group. Only one person knows what I am going through. I wanted to share this agony with a few other people, but since they have their own drama going on right now, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I can’t explain how much it pains me to say nothing, and to suffer silently. The simple fact that I had no one to trust and turn to bothers the hell out of me. I actually sat and thought to myself, “You need new friends.” Talk about a conundrum!

Trust is not something anyone should just hand over. Private things are so difficult to navigate. I pray that in a year from now, I am able to say, “This is what I went through. Here’s my story, here’s my truth. It was scary, it was awful, and my heart shattered. Here’s my joy in overcoming it all. I survived, and so can others.” That’s only part of what I want to say, but I also want the control to tell it when the timing is right for all involved.

Tonight, I try to power through what is haunting me. I don’t know if I am capable of crying because I’m in such shock and denial, but I do know that when the tears come, it will not be the worst day of my life. I’ve survived some of the most awful moments; so my track record is pretty good. It’s coming out whole on the other side that bothers me, because I don’t entirely know if this is possible.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Awakened

Miss Poison Writing , , , , , , , , ,

A lot has been going on. Some good, some not so good. I tell myself there’s a reason for everything, but sometimes you feel grief and you’re not entirely sure where to place it. Was it a good thing? Was it a horrible, tragic thing? Ultimately, I came to the decision that it fucking HURTS. I’m a human being, and no one gets to take pain away from me and make it seem like it’s no big deal. Just as I am not allowed to define it for you, no one can define it for me.

It’s hard to know what to make out of senseless loss. This was my second time experiencing such soul-sucking grief that I truly need to shut myself down for a while, and attempt to process it. Hopefully when I return, I will feel less hurt, less angry, and more awakened. One can hope, I guess.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

The Selective Silence

Miss Poison Anti-Semitism, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Silence Breaker, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

You read the news. You see the headlines. They are everywhere. The voices, however, are so silent, I can hear a pin drop from thirty states away. Sit in your silence. I view it as violence and selective hate.

Antisemitism. It’s beyond systemic. It is dangerously out of control. I’m sick of it, and I am sick of having to address it.

This isn’t about the hate on the UC-Berkeley Campus that is shameful beyond words. Don’t believe me? I have video footage of how a pro-Israel activist and Jewish students were treated while trying to engage with other students and speak the truth.

This isn’t about Kanye West, who deserves to be taken down for his hateful rhetoric, and left beneath the rock from whence he came. Things are pretty bad when Kim Kardashian is standing up for Jews and the Jewish community. Unadulterated, unprovoked hate is NOT in the DSM-5, so please don’t use mental illness as an excuse for all he has said. He got cocky; he thought no one would touch him. Instead, he was systematically dropped from one company after another. Read your MORALS and ETHICS clauses, assholes. It’s in the fine print, which is probably why you’ve all managed to miss it.

This isn’t about Kyrie Irving’s bullshit, for which he will likely come away unscathed in BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, where my family settled upon immigrating to this country. You cannot educate the truly ignorant who, through the NBA, will continue to achieve riches, but will use antisemitic, Black Hebrew Israelite bullshit to make far more than the league minimum of $8.9 million dollars a year. For those who don’t know, BHI is the equivalent of a terror organization. The NBA allows Kyrie to be obscenely wealthy playing a sport, yet he will remain a sick, twisted fool.

Jews do not need to be told by non-Jews what is or isn’t antisemitic or anti-Zionist. We KNOW what is wrong, and so do you. Stop dictating to us when we’ve stood by every minority, but receive none of the same respect.

This isn’t about Dave Chappelle, who hasn’t been funny since the beginning of time. It IS about the danger of what they are spewing. They are trying to normalize hate against Jews, Judaism, the Jewish community at large, and they are spreading falsehoods against the state of Israel. What side of history would YOU like to be on?

I have watched my friends and family stay silent on almost all of this. I am ashamed of each and every one of you. Even the smallest voice can make a ripple. Thank G-d I have both the voice, and the platform, not to pretend to be proud of my faith and hide behind it, but to speak the fuck up and declare it. If you’re offended, then I am doing something right.

I have and will continue to stand for marginalized communities. As a Jewish woman, I represent many communities due to my ancestry and things I support; things I wholeheartedly believe in. I do not waver in my stance. Ever.

I am ashamed people have learned nothing from the genocide of the Holocaust, to the point where they have the audacity to question its validity. How often to six million plus people simply vanish?! Was this a Bermuda Triangle story, or is their fact-based evidence all over Europe that this occurred? I’ll simplify it for you; four members of my family survived on my mother’s side. FOUR. Look at your family. Imagine being the sole survivor. It’s not a good feeling, is it?

I encourage you to educate yourself before believing Neo-Nazi propaganda and any form of supremacist hate speech. All of it is racist. By remaining uneducated, you are letting people know you stand on the side of terrorism. If you’re not sure where to start for factual information, please feel free to comment on this and I will provide a list of reading material at my earliest convenience. In the meantime, get smarter or get off this site.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.