A lot has been going on. Some good, some not so good. I tell myself there’s a reason for everything, but sometimes you feel grief and you’re not entirely sure where to place it. Was it a good thing? Was it a horrible, tragic thing? Ultimately, I came to the decision that it fucking HURTS. I’m a human being, and no one gets to take pain away from me and make it seem like it’s no big deal. Just as I am not allowed to define it for you, no one can define it for me.

It’s hard to know what to make out of senseless loss. This was my second time experiencing such soul-sucking grief that I truly need to shut myself down for a while, and attempt to process it. Hopefully when I return, I will feel less hurt, less angry, and more awakened. One can hope, I guess.

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Remember and Recover

Right now, I am following my mantra; Remember it all. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind.

I am slowly recovering from the two procedures I had this week, along with a mess of x-rays. Today’s procedure triggered a bad migraine, so I’m hoping my system will respond to the medication and cut me some slack. I was in bed early last night, but after tossing and turning for almost two hours, I ended up reading, crying (I’m going through some rough things.), and then getting very little rest before my alarm went off. After that, I was on an insane mission to rush to get things done. My body HURTS because I pushed myself too hard, but at least now I feel like I can breathe knowing that I took care of me and some chores which were necessary.

I am waiting for approval for scans of my knees and my right calf, ankle, and foot. A muscle in my right calf was startingly painful during the exam, and the doctor is concerned. Hell, so am I. My doctor’s office said the approval process could take a week or two. The doctor didn’t mark the request(s) as urgent, so I could see a denial before I see an approval. It slows things down, for sure. For now, I’m under orders to physically rest my legs whenever possible and to stretch carefully 2-5 times a day. That’s reasonably fair. I can do it, and I’ll be careful.

Moving into the holiday weekend, I’ll be doing as much writing as I have in my head and heart. I have no desire to partake in any kind of celebration because, and I’ve only recently started to talk about this, but certain holidays are very traumatizing for me, and more so as we move towards the month of May. I’ll do my spiritual thing, rest, heal, and hopefully next week I will feel a lot stronger. I am making big decisions and changes, and I’m proud of myself for all of it.

For now, it is what it is, but I am taking names and I am more than ready to kick some ass. Of course, some people will have to remove their semi-permanent sticks first. 😉 Unfortunately, certain types of people ask for things they are not willing to give you; like privacy, a thousand tons of respect in the face of constant hatefulness and disrespect, and they lack the absolute basic understanding that certain types of selfishness can actually kill me, which is why I carry an Epi-Pen. Yes, I will be writing about some of those things over the next few months, and I might even leave their names out of it, if I’m feeling kind. Newsflash: I don’t feel kind; I’ve had enough.

Buenos noches, beautiful people. May your Friday, and your respective holidays, be peaceful. I’ll see you on the other side.