Irritability Isn’t Cute

2015-08-26 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Animals, Brutal Honesty, Cats, Exhaustion, Fibro Flares, Headaches, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Topamax, Writing

I HURT. There’s no getting around that. After nearly two straight weeks where I haven’t missed a single dose of Topamax, a migraine broke through last night. I was waiting for it. I expected it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as a migraine without a preventive in my system, but after almost two weeks with just an occasional mild headache, it was still an awful lot of pain during a time when the rest of my body was flaring up something fierce. It was only made worse by the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

This morning I decided not to punish the medication. It didn’t fail me, there will always be migraines that break through, so I took my dose, managed a little water, made a quick phone call, and now I am sitting here waiting for that call to be returned. I have documents to proof for printing later today and honestly, I am OUT after that. Just put my whiny, bitchy ass to bed and leave me here until my attitude improves. No one ever said irritability is cute, but when you can hear yourself sound utterly miserable, all you want to do is duct tape your mouth shut. Or maybe that’s just me?

Update on Maggie: This poor dog is STILL being mistreated. Apparently her paperwork checked out and the father backed off, but my next door neighbor (the husband) is expecting to be sued over the dog bite. He never added the dog to his insurance when they agreed to take the dog on temporarily for six months. His wife’s son is across the country doing some sort of mandatory USMC training and left the dog with his mother. I’m not sure if he’s ever MET his mother, but last night, while I was trying to do I don’t even remember what in silence, all I could hear was her screaming “Maggie, NO!” at the top of her lungs. I was already sick, or I would have gone outside and said “Hey bitch! What the fuck is this poor dog doing that is worth yelling at her for? Have you ever heard of a dog trainer? Perhaps they can take you for a few weeks and train you how to behave. All the dog ever does is bark and run away from you. That should tell you everything you need to know.” Alas, I was stopped because someone (not me) thought that was “a bit harsh”. I truly don’t think it could be harsh enough. Yelling and screaming at an animal is tantamount to abuse. Surely there are other family members that could take her and care for her until November/December. If you love an animal, you don’t leave it behind with an insane person. You also don’t name it like it’s a person, but hey, to each their own. People do tend to do that with dogs.

Animals don’t understand or respond to yelling. It is simply traumatic for them. I’ve seen animals run and hide if a person is simply speaking loudly, not even yelling, so some animals are more traumatized than other from being in a shelter, foster situation, from being re-homed, etc. Much like people, animals have triggers too and it is important to pay attention and be able to identify them.

In this, animals are a lot less dramatic and wishy-washy than people are. They either love you or they don’t, but once they do, they are with you ’til the end. Animals understand loyalty far better than people do.

When I come back in my next life, I am coming back as a cat.

Endings Are Abstruse…

Quote 2015-08-092015-08-09 Miss Poison Quotes Beauty, Beginnings, Broken, Chirag Tulsiani, Courage, Disturbance, Endings, Exhaustion, Hope, Mending, Quotes, Tension, Time, Transition

“Endings are abstruse, mystic and unreal. They are but depleted beginnings purposed to be substituted with newer ones. A transition of outlook and time, similar to our differing moods before and after slumber. Before the act we witness an exhaustion, a sulkiness but on gaining consciousness, we’re rejuvenated and good-humored. The wakefulness is the new beginning whereas the tension the disturbance we perceive each night is the weariness of the beginnings, of each day. So there never really is an end, all that there are, are beginnings. Beginnings which are promising, which offer hope, which have a new leash on life, which neither denounce nor belittle rather soothe and console by reconstructing the broken pieces of yesterday, mending them and reinforcing them with courage and beauty like never before.” ―Chirag Tulsiani

Friday Musings

2015-07-242015-07-25 Miss Poison Editing, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Proofreading, Work, Writing Clients, Creativity, Editing, Exhaustion, Experience, Freelance Editors, Migraines, Proofreading, Read-Through, Time, Vision, Writers, Writing

Mondays bring forth a lot of stress and anxiety. Fridays? Not so much. In fact, I feel calm that the week has come to an official end. I’m looking forward to putting up a load of laundry, eating dinner, and eliminating an hour or two off my DVR.

I spent a huge portion of my week battling migraines. I was unsure if the cycle would continue, but I can say that after an exceptionally long day yesterday and going to bed early, I have mostly felt good today. Sore and achy, a little moody at times, but nothing I can’t handle. The downside of going through so much pain is that your body is pre-programmed to take the brunt of what it normally handles each day. It took me almost a full 12 hours to realize I wasn’t in agony. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing what tomorrow brings in terms of the physical side of things. 😦

I’ve struggled with some work-related things this week. I’ve had some personal breakthroughs with ideas for my work, I’ve made some career-related decisions for new creative outlets, but I am still being tormented by that manuscript. It requires so much time, it frustrates the hell out of me, so I’ve decided I will never edit for someone ever again without doing a read-through first. I refuse to price myself into a position that makes me feel used or abused.

I should be charging between $1000-$5000 per job, or more for additional development. I have tried to be incredibly fair to people, I even offer a payment plan, but the end result is that I am being unfair to myself, my time, my vision, and my skills.

When someone says “I’d like to pay you a penny per sentence and there are 10,000 sentences to go over.”, I shake my head. That’s a grave insult. Even worse, I bid on the job and didn’t get it. Yeah, that didn’t help my attitude one bit this week. Anyone that approaches with a disrespectful budget and the claim “It should only take an hour or so.” should Google the cost of minimum wage for an experienced freelance editor. I have exactly one client who I work for on an hourly basis and he thinks my hourly rate is “really reasonable”. Others are fearful of the hourly rate and even more fearful of the quote. I have an answer to that: Don’t write 100,000+ words and expect for it to be edited in a professional manner in a week for “$50 or less”. Be fair, be realistic, and don’t be disrespectful if you truly want to do business with someone.

What else occurred this week? Injury from cat’s back claws. I have absolutely NO idea why she’d think climbing over my scalp was a good idea. I tried to detach her from ripping me apart and she wouldn’t budge, so I have a long tear on the right side of my scalp under my hair down the side of my temple. The facial part isn’t even noticeable because she dug deeper into my scalp, which, thanks to my new hair color, isn’t visible. It hurt for a few days, but should be healed completely in about a week.

Yes, I said “new hair color”. When I get bored, I get dangerous. Last month I cut off a ton of hair. It was way more than I’d anticipated, far shorter than what I walked in asking for. I am still adjusting to having to put product into my hair as opposed to using Argan Oil and being able to work with my natural texture or straighten it. “Short Hair Don’t Care”? Bullshit. Shorter hair requires some finesse in order to look good. I’ve been every natural color a person can be. Blonde, a wide array of varying degrees of red and brunette, but this is my first time truly on “the dark side”. It’s only a few days old, but it is truly blue-black. My stylist refused to do it for me because my skin is on the fairer side of fair. I asked if it was “too dark” or “too Goth” and she said “Too dark.” I think she was trying to be diplomatic. Guess what? It is dark, and it’s a little Goth, but it looks fucking awesome. Ultimately, the only person who has to like it is the person that has to live with it and look at it day in and day out. Every time I look in the mirror I think “Man, this looks AWESOME. It’s so much better than I thought it would be.” Let’s hear it for listening to your inner voice and not the odd judgment of others. Everyone else is going lighter for summer, I’m going darker. Typical. Now all I need are sharper fangs to get my point across. 😉

11169152_427727694065299_884216905442097396_n — Quote credit: Angelina Jolie. I agree with her.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Hard Not To Feel…

Quote 2015-07-24 Miss Poison Quotes Exhaustion, Misogyny, Quotes, Roxane Gay

“It’s hard not to feel humorless, as a woman and a feminist, to recognize misogyny in so many forms, some great and some small, and know you’re not imagining things. It’s hard to be told to lighten up because if you lighten up any more, you’re going to float the fuck away. The problem is not that one of these things is happening; it’s that they are all happening, concurrently and constantly.” -Roxane Gay

The Best Part

Image 2015-07-20 Miss Poison Honesty, Humor, Images/Photos/Quotes Exhaustion, Honesty, Humor, Images/Photos/Quotes

I grasp the whole “I’m alive” concept, but when you’re not sleeping well and you just want a few days where you sleep until the sun is high in the sky, waking up when it’s still dark outside is fucking annoying.

I desperately want to go back to bed! 😦

Moody Musings

2015-06-262015-06-29 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Depression, Happiness, Honesty, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Social Media, Things That Enrage Me, Thought-Provoking, Thoughts, Writing Anger, Cat/Kitten, Depression, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia Pain, Honesty, Life, Moods, Musings, Pain, Partial Paralysis, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Police, Stress, Writing

I’m in an ugly mood. I think I went to bed that way, to some extent, which only partially explains my nasty mood this morning. I (almost) never lock my cats out of my bedroom, but when they started their petition to shove me out of bed around 5:00, I silently got up, put grain free food in their bowls, and as they both moved to their respective bowls, I shut my door. About an hour and a half later the little one started screeching like the world was ending. I let her back in to abate the crying and then ended up locking her out because she was trying to claw her way through me. When I haven’t slept well, there is no amount of annoying behavior that will push me out of bed. I also don’t want to yell at them because they don’t understand it and it’s traumatic for them. I simply cannot bend, touch my toes, or turn my head/neck at the moment. It’s upsetting to be in this much pain and not be able to take care of basic things, including myself.

Injustice and abuse of power infuriate me. Alas, I don’t look good in orange, so going after a power-hungry cop, fresh out of the academy, who thinks his dick is as tall as he is, is probably NOT a good idea. With all the police issues in this country, I figure the asshole will eventually say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I have to believe there’s some kind of karmic justice at play here, and that I have to just take care of me and mine. However, factoring in that I cannot physically move and that I’m in excruciating pain, I feel like there’s some kind of evil joke at play here.

Several weeks ago, a church was firebombed in my area by someone who got early release after kidnapping two minors back in 2008. Tax dollars hard at work. <rolls eyes> Emergency responders were already in the area and able to handle the situation quickly, but $50,000 worth of damage was still done.

At the moment, there is a huge carnival going on at a different church. It usually lasts for about a week or two. Ever since it started, there have been break-ins ranging from small to large, even if people are already home and asleep. Whoever is doing it doesn’t give a shit if there are cars in the driveway, they’re still going to risk their lives for “stuff”. This is occurring not even two minutes from my neighborhood. It’s within walking distance. A woman walked into her house yesterday to find a man going through her things. She, in her infinite stupidity, asked who he was and what he was doing there! He hit her in the face and took off, but now it’s clear that it isn’t just one person. The various local police departments decided to let people know about all of this via social media. Every single person that responded said “I have dogs and guns, go for it.” I do not currently possess the strength to utilize a shotgun properly, so, God forbid, my only option would be something smaller. I highly recommend no one sneak up on me for a while.

Are naturally perky people drinking too much coffee, on a drug I’m not aware of, or are they born that chipper? Are they simply “bright side of everything” types? I truly don’t know because I cannot relate.

95% of the time I wake up like a sleeping dragon. Unless I am able to go back to sleep or take a nap, I’m pretty unpleasant in the mornings. For quite some time I was up at 4:00 a.m. every single day. I was in bed early each night, it worked out well for me. But now I cannot seem to fall asleep and stay asleep. Being woken every morning at 5:00 a.m. is tiresome, to say the least. You’d think they were being starved, but the opposite is true. They like routine, but they were also thundering up and down the stairs after midnight. Where do they get the energy?!

Studies claim that people who wear lots of grey and blue are depressed, and people who wear bold colors are happy. Don’t we all get depressed at times? Who the hell lives the absolute perfect, trouble-free life? Even Fortune 500 CEO’s have problems, but everything is covered up beneath the shiny veneer. FYI: I wear a lot of grey and blue because they’re two of my favorite colors. I hate red, but that’s not exactly a well-kept secret.

In simple terms, I feel moody as hell today. I’m pretty sure it’s a 50/50 toss-up between life and…life. I am trying to pull myself together to run errands and not commit any murders today. As an introverted extrovert, this means headphones are going to be my best friend today.

I hope everyone has a calm, pleasant weekend to look forward to. Keep cool, don’t get too much sun, and remember to reapply sunscreen every 80 minutes, even if it’s cloudy out and you haven’t been sweating. Sun damage and sunburn(s) are things no one wants to deal with.

Emerging From The Cave

2015-06-24 Miss Poison Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Chronic Pain, Clients, Editing, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Graphic Design, Pain, Sleep, Work, Writing

I woke up from a dream this morning that could have doubled as the weirdest movie EVER. Or a book. In fact, I’ll be writing it down later since my dreams revert back to a clearer picture within a certain amount of time. Rule #1- Never share your writing ideas.

I’m exceptionally exhausted and in an extraordinary amount of pain. I was up late working for a client last night. I then referred her to a graphic designer, that way her product will look professional. If anyone is in need of a professional graphic designer for any number of things (banners, book covers, etc.), please let me know and I will put you in contact with her. She’s worked for Harper’s Bazaar and Disney and has been in business for 25 years. She knows her shit and can work with ANY budget. Plus, if I am going to pass business on to anyone, it’s going to be someone who I know needs the work.

All I really want is a nap. Unfortunately, I know full well that a “nap” will lead to me screwing up my sleep patterns. The storms that passed through my area last night knocked power out for a lot of people. As hideous as the sky looked, making me believe it would be an intense summer storm, there was merely some “scary to watch” lightning, a sprinkle of rain, and later on, a truly stunning sunset. If there was anything else, I missed it in between making dinner, decompressing for two hours, and then going back to work before bed (NOT a wise decision! The last thought I had was “Did she spell chili wrong on the product label!”). I’m running on fumes today, looking forward to the moment when it’s acceptable for me to simply fall into my bed.

My pain levels are off-the-charts insane. I am certain there’s a rod in my spine, that my right hip is disintegrating, and that my attitude matches how I feel. Being in pain 24/7, with no reprieve, is a challenge unto itself. If anyone would like to take it off my hands for a few weeks, I’d be happy to help you understand how real Fibromyalgia is. I am so sick of people saying that sufferers are “lazy” or “Doctors say it’s a fake disease.” I’ve got two words for that. Yes, those are the words.

I should be placed inside an insulated cave with running water, electricity, and WiFi. We’ll slap a label on me that says “Not fit for human consumption”, and I don’t mean that in a Hannibal-esque way at all.

Blame It On The Pain

2015-06-142015-06-15 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Rain, Sunday, Work, Writing Cat and Kitten, Chronic Pain, Cooking, Editing, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Pain, Sunday, Work, Writing

UGH! Yes, that’s what I have to say. I’m tired, because apparently “crack of dawn” in my house means “We’re all awake Mommy! Don’t you want to feed us?” Mmm…not so much. LOL.

After truly forcing myself to get things done yesterday, today barely feels like a Sunday. It is quiet, thankfully, and there’s supposed to be a thunderstorm later on. At the very least, rain is predicted for the first half of the week, so I’m content with that because it explains a lot of my aches and pains. The rest is from overdoing it. The mileage I clocked on my pedometer over the last few days is insane.

I completed all of my jobs, except for the big one. I will focus on that this week, as much as humanly possible. I hope additional work comes in, especially proofreading and anything else that isn’t mind-numbing and/or soul-sucking. The faster the job, the faster I get paid, and that makes my life slightly easier in the moment, which is a huge help.

Today I am allowing myself to take it easy. I’m in clean PJ’s with wet hair, I already did a load of laundry, and I completed 95% of the prep for Sunday dinner. Everything else can wait until later or tomorrow because “rush” isn’t in my vocabulary at the moment.

For now I think it’s safe to say that I have some things I want to accomplish going into this week, but beyond that, I can only take things on a day-to-day basis. My pain has escalated to the point where my daily activities revolve around how much pain I am in. I have been off of traditional prescription pain medication for over two years now. For every doctor that assumes we are all drug-seeking addicts: SCREW YOU. Living my life each day with little to no access to genuine pain relief is agonizing. I do take Eastern medicine when I am able because herbs work when taken properly, but through trial and error I have come to decide that the new herbs for lower body pain is not something that should be taken each night. I’ve had several episodes where the combination of different compounds made me sick for a good 24 hours after taking it. So seen, even some herbal remedies have their side effects. Acupuncture is next on my list. No, I am not afraid of needles. In fact, I barely register that sort of thing because the pain I am in each day is so severe, little things simply don’t show up on my physical radar.

I am hoping this will not be a summer chock full of migraines. I am strongly considering starting a new migraine journal if things get out of hand again. I do have medication for that which can be taken daily, but it’s horrible to start during the summer because one of the side effects is that you MUST drink at least 120 ounces of water every single day and the second is that you don’t sweat. It’s not a good combination of immediate side effects during rough summer conditions, so I might start it again in September when things start to cool down and I am able to focus on the dosing. I’ll have to download an app for my phone because it is all too easy for me to forget whether or not I took medication each morning. With tiny pills, I often find it easier to forget as opposed to the monster pills that you simply cannot forget. Odd, but true for me.

I hope everyone has had a delightfully restful weekend. I’m off to take a nap. I woke up WAY too early this morning and since I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m not going to beat myself up because I need to rest. In the words of my Uncle: It is what it is.

I’ll be back with more interesting things soon.

XO…L

alarmclock — It’s usually 4:00 a.m., I’m lucky if it’s 5:30 or later. The enchantingly beautiful cat and kitten are featured on the ABOUT page.

Exhausted To The Bone

2015-05-08 Miss Poison Adult Orphans, Exhaustion, Honesty, Mother's Day, Motherless Daughters, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Adult Orphans, Exhaustion, Limitations, Motherless Daughters, Musings, Not Today, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reading, Rest, Sleep, Writing

I went to bed exhausted, I woke up more exhausted than when I originally went to bed. Lately, there never seems to be enough sleep. I found myself wanting to nod off for four hours yesterday, but when I finally committed myself to “a nap”, I ended up reading for over three hours. I hadn’t planned on reading at all, I simply thought if I started reading something nonsensical, I’d make myself even sleepier. It was counter-intuitive.

I think the stress of the week and of many, many months has finally hit me today. I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just want to rest. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and you can only ignore your body for so long before exhaustion catches up with you and doesn’t let go. That is definitely chronic fatigue.

My brain is barely working to form complete sentences properly. I have dueling issues. My stomach is telling me that we’re hungry and should try making some soup. My brain is saying that the soup can wait because if we’re not properly rested, we will burn the house down. I got distracted last weekend when I had something in the oven. I set the timer and instead of staying within a 15 foot range of the kitchen, I walked upstairs to check my phone. I went to check e-mail quickly or something, but then I got into texting with someone and the next thing I know, the timer is going off and there’s a slight smoky smell rising. I was also doing laundry, so clearly I was pulling myself pretty thin. Sadly, I didn’t hear the timer, which is quite scary. When I did go downstairs because the smell wasn’t right, I finally heard the timer and felt like a complete and utter moron. On top of being dangerous, I was just plain out of it. Now I stay close by, because the last thing I should be doing is something that could lead to the harm of myself or others. I’m too drained to be able to leave something alone while I’m in the middle of making it, and right now I’m truly too drained to actually make something. I don’t even think I’m capable of walking down the steps.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, so don’t be alarmed if I make myself extremely scarce. This is an incredibly difficult time of year for me. Each year, I’m reminded that I am a Motherless Daughter. One year I waited until the day settled and went grocery shopping that night, because all I wanted to do was avoid the mother/daughter bonding that this weekend brings forth. If you haven’t experienced this kind of loss, or the kind of bond I shared with my mother, it’s not something one can easily relate to, so I tend to just close up shop for about 10 days and keep my mouth shut, lest I somehow manage to offend someone with my honesty and/or directness. Ultimately, there is always someone who will find me offensive in some way. It’s not my issue, it’s theirs, but I don’t want or need the drama.

So in advance, I wish ALL mothers: Pet mothers, Grandmothers, Godmothers, Aunts, and especially single mothers a very happy day. I’ll be okay, but if you can’t find me I MIGHT be sitting in the dark with chocolate pudding.

Pie For Breakfast

2015-04-05 Miss Poison Cooking, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Chocolate, Cooking, Exhaustion, Fruit, Musings, Pie, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Sweets, Writing

When someone brings you two pies, each covered in chunks of Oreo cookies, with an Oreo cookie crust, and whipped cream as the filling to this confection, do you ignore this sugary delight before you (Especially when you’ve had minimal sugar for months on end.) or do you blissfully enjoy a few bites?

I have a love/hate relationship with sweets. (I said sweets, not chocolate. Dark chocolate and I are on a first name basis.) I know that too much sugar is not a good thing for anyone, but a sweet treat once in a while is not going to prematurely age you, nor will it kill you (Unless you’re diabetic and truly cannot have even small amounts of anything that is made with real sugar.). People who claim they “don’t eat sweets”, but eat pounds of fruit aren’t being realistic about their sugar intake. Natural sugar and sugar in desserts is processed the same way by the body. We know if we’re eating chocolate or peaches, but our body simply takes the vitamins from the fruit and uses what is needed, or it allows the chocolate to “calm the beast”, but after that, your body does the same thing with it, regardless of what type of sugar is may be.

Some people are traditionalists; they’ll only eat breakfast food for breakfast and “dinner food” for dinner. Me? I will reheat pizza or even Chinese food for breakfast if that’s what I’m in the mood for. Sometimes I will make breakfast food for dinner, because that’s what I felt like making/eating. Sometimes cooking an elaborate meal is simply too exhausting, so I will do whatever takes between 10-30 minutes, or less. I cook a LOT, so there are days I simply want to go on strike and not cook again for a month. This stems from exhaustion of the soul and honestly not giving a damn about what’s being prepared However, if I did go on strike, I’d probably starve, so I cook. No matter how many times you make different things, it all becomes boring at some point. I eat to live.

This is precisely why you sometimes need to be a little crazy and have pie for breakfast, or whatever suits your fancy.