Mondays…The Bane Of My Existence

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Maybe it is lack of quality sleep or the fact that I woke up stressed, but this particular Monday is making me ill. The eerie quietness was giving off a lovely early Sunday morning vibe, which was helping calm my nerves…until the mowing and trimming started, AGAIN. I’ve had a migraine since last night, so the sound is like a never-ending sickness within me. I didn’t realize it until just now, but the smell is also murdering my sinuses. Spring allergies on top of all this physical pain AND a migraine? It’s unbelievably cruel.

The migraine is never truly gone. It will lull me into a false sense of security and then come slamming back, making me feel like my brain is being rattled. Has anyone received successful Botox treatment for their migraines? If so, please share your experiences with me.

Originally, I had some semblance of a plan for today. I had ideas laid out for work and I will definitely begin the process of writing certain things, but I’m realizing right now that some serious self-care is also in order. Today is going to be one of the hottest days that I’ve seen in quite some time, topping out at either under 90 degrees or over, so I think my first order of business before it kicks into high gear is to start hydrating, and to refill the Brita pitcher as a precautionary measure. Heat and I don’t mix well. In my mind’s eyes, it’s a “Wicked Witch melting” moment.

Something about the heat always makes me sick. It affects my entire body (pain, stress, stomach issues) and it exhausts me to the point where I will close my eyes and wake up five hours later. Like many things, the heat does Fibromyalgia no favors. It irks me that a person can’t spend five minutes educating themselves about Fibromyalgia, or any chronic illness, but when you explain that you’re sick, their response is selfish and self-centered, with claims of also having it. And yet, when they describe the pain they experience, you know their journey has yet to even take place because, while it may have been diagnosed, it is the utmost of mild for them. They don’t have to spend a week in bed after two days of serious activity. The only thing they do experience is widespread pain, but it’s not constant. Well, unless you’re on a morphine drip, Fibro is a constant. There are over 100 symptoms and side effects, but if you’ve only got one or two of them, I have a hard time relating because I score over 85 on the list, and that’s extremely disturbing to me. This disease is robbing me of my youth and energy in ugly ways.

So, if I don’t do or say something today that you expected, please forgive me. I’m waging war, both physically and mentally. I don’t have time for frivolous nonsense.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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These Days

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When you suffer from any form of chronic illness, and I can only speak from experience with Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain, there are days when you cannot fathom getting out of bed, leave alone getting out of the house. The pain is just that great in its magnitude that functioning is taken out of the equation. You reach a point where you merely exist.

When I push myself, I make everything worse. It often takes me 5-6 hours just to get my mind right in order to get ready and leave. I have to factor in so many things in these decisions. My big motivator isn’t about myself though, it’s usually about making sure the girls have all that they need. If they don’t, I have no choice but to get shit done, even if it means not being able to walk at all for several days.

I woke up in a dark head space. Despite going to bed early last night, I accidentally left the air on instead of the heat. That’s how crazy the weather has been. By the time I reached the “everything hurts and I can’t move because everything is stiff” stage, it was 62 degrees inside. In this house, that’s like 45 degrees with a bitter wind chill. So, the heat went on and I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I officially woke up, it was “too hot” at 66 degrees, which just goes to show you that Fibro is no joke. There are days I am wrapped in a blanket when everyone else is in shorts and tank tops. There are also days when I’ve got two layers on and people are saying “You’re not hot?” When I’m really cold, I’m even wearing socks inside. I never know which way my internal temperature will slide or what the external will make me feel. There are days when 70 degrees makes me want to pass out and die, but if there’s a cooler breeze within the temperature, I’m okay. These days, even my hair hurts, and that’s never a good sign.

I am slowly pulling myself together today to hit two stores. If I don’t go, no one eats, including me. The last thing I want to do today is go anywhere, but for now, it’s just about calming the pain and stress levels down a few notches and hoping that a cool shower will wake me up enough later on so that I can run these two errands and come home.

I won’t lie: My first option was to have everything delivered or ready to pick up, thus minimizing my actual need to force myself out. Alas, two different stores were “out of stock”, so I have no choice but to go there myself and figure out what their deal is. Unless you’re having some kind of epic sale, there’s no way you’re completely “out of stock”, not unless you want to screw with me or there’s something wrong with your on-line system. It’s all very frustrating. It’s even more pathetic that I thought “Wow, that’ll be a breeze. I can just go in, pick up the order, and come straight home. I don’t even NEED to wear make-up!” Of course now, pride determines that I do not leave the house without looking like a human-being. Think Corpse Bride, with a lot of curves.

I admit, I have become moody due to the limitations from pain. If I don’t cook dinner by a certain time each night, which is the right time to allow me to be in bed in a timely fashion, then it’s simply not happening. And if I don’t eat a balanced diet, I will be deathly ill. One of my best friends joked that I’m damn near a vegetarian these days, which isn’t true, but can seem that way at times from the outside looking in. I don’t share in the vegetarian or vegan belief systems, so it’s really not possible for me to be either. It’s not about achieving some kind of goal or physical look, it’s merely about eating to live and getting proper amounts of rest. I hurt too damn much to get into semantics with people.

As the sun begins its rise above all the clouds, I keep wondering exactly when the “perfect” time is to get the hell out of here. Truth is, by the time I clean my bathtub (which I do several times a week because it annoys me), get ready, put up a load of laundry, and leave the house, it might very well be 4:00 PM. Trust me, the clothes are already in the dryer by the time I’m leaving, if not already dry, so there’s also that time in the “getting ready” process. Waste not.

It would be SO NICE to have someone to rely on in times like these. Someone dependable to say “I’ve got this, you go rest.” Not everyone is blessed with people in their lives who are willing to physically assist with errands and chores that have to get done. It’s not that I don’t want to do these things for myself, this isn’t about laziness, it’s about illness. I promised myself I’d learn how to ask for help this year, and accept the help that comes my way, but so far, I’ve hit a lot of brick walls and it’s disturbing to me. I loathe people who say one thing and do another, in all aspects of life. Don’t open your mouth unless you can follow through.

I’m sitting here with my tiny list, but all it does is stress me out. Normally I love grocery shopping and taking care of others, but in this moment, I’d really like someone to take care of me. I physically feel too broken to do it myself.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Beltane Blessings To All

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Beltane Blessings everyone! 🙂 I wish I were able to enjoy this holiday as I once did, but seeing as how it is the anniversary of a loved ones’ death, it’s still a bitter pill to swallow. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of the death of a beloved cat, so I’ve decided to take it easy this weekend and do my best to decompress. This week has already been stressful to the point of severe darkness.

I am still trying hard to focus on the manuscript I’m working on. You KNOW you have flipped over to the dark side of OCD when you find something wrong with your own work every single time you open the file. I keep making changes and then I have to remind myself that revisions will be made by the author, and it will be edited a final time. So, I need to push forward and let some, if not all, of the nagging in my brain go. I can’t really afford to rip any hair out of my head. Short hair, on me, is not a good look.

If you’re going to the movies this weekend, please let me know how the new Avengers movie is. I am really looking forward to seeing it. Unfortunately, I’ll have to get it on DVD because I simply do not have the time now for a movie or anything even remotely social on an external level. It’s quite sad, really, but I suspect it will be quite a while before I am able to focus on my social life, or even mild entertainment. For now, my DVR is difficult enough.

Last night I watched my team lose Game 1 (I’m going to hunt Henrik Lundqvist down and have a little chat with him about his idea of goaltending. I didn’t have time last night to threaten to beat him with his own stick when he allowed the Caps to win with 1 second left on the clock!! I’d rather sit through overtime than have my team lose at home. UGH!) of the second round of the playoffs, flipped over to The Blacklist, and then went to bed. That means there’s approximately 8-9 hours of “How much do I WATCH?!” on my DVR. If you saw the queue, you’d think I had absolutely no brain cells OR a lot of free time on my hands. I have all of my brain cells, that I’m aware of, and damn near no free time on my hands. If I had free time, I’d use it to murder my neighbor across the street who is currently mowing his lawn for the third time this week. The first two times were while I was trying not to cave my own skull in from migraines. Each time he saw another neighbor mowing within a 1-3 house range, which automatically spurred him to come out and proceed to mow, trim, and be a pain in the ass. I suspect now he is trying to make it even shorter than it was two days ago, before we get rain. Either the man is incredibly bored to be mowing in 50 degree weather OR he needs a hobby. I’m thinking it’s a combination of both. No one needs to mow their lawn that often. This is NOT a golf course or Yankee Stadium, nor is it a football field with real grass on it. Unless you’ve somehow managed to use 10-30 bottles of Miracle-Gro in a matter of days, you don’t need to be out there every few days mowing the same patch of grass over and over again. It’s borderline psychotic. (Plus, every time I sneeze from the smell of cut grass wafting in, which drives me allergies insane, my kitten mimics the sound with a meowish squeak. She feels my pain.) The fact that another neighbor across the street just joined in on this madness makes me feel like I’m listening to a dentist’s drill on a loop.

When you suffer from migraines, you become incredibly sensitive to noise. I rarely mind good music (I said GOOD.) and I can tolerate certain things at an extremely low level, but everything else is just a great big NO and has been for almost 18 years. My migraines have progressively gotten worse, so I’m extremely audio-sensitive and equally photosensitive. For me, the latter is far easier to manage most days, but especially on dark, grey days like today.

Okay peeps, I am going back to work, or at the very least, I am going to try. Enjoy your day and have an awesome weekend. 🙂

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copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

100% Anti-Idiot

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I’m not sure who shit in everyone’s breakfast this morning, but the lunatics are EVERYWHERE. The Full Moon is next week which might have been able to explain some of this away, but no. I’m dumbfounded by the levels of idiocy I’m seeing. It’s like a disease, spreading every second. I can only follow the conversation for so long until my brain starts to hurt. I’m coming off of several days worth of migraines and horrific physical pain, so I’m trying NOT to go back to a place of pain. In turn, it’s time to speak my peace and turn the computer off for a good 8-10 hours.

We live in an opinionated world, but no one on this planet holds the key to every single aspect of knowledge roaming around. That is virtually and statistically impossible. Unfortunately, opinions ARE like assholes and the world, and Internet, are FULL of them. This saddens me, because for every 100,000 assholes, there’s one smart person looking for other smart people. Reach out smart people, reach out! 

Is there nothing I can do to shield myself from all this insanity? Yes: Walk away. Let the idiots run their mouths. Let them put their feet in their mouths. Let them choke on their own hip bones, but do not, I repeat, do NOT, engage. Because apparently it’s not Thursday, it’s “Know It All” Day. And all I can think is “I did NOT know that!” LOL.

I’m too fucking tired to deal with idiots that cannot carry on an intelligent, adult conversation. The holidays are over, so I don’t expect people to preach religion at each other and sound like even bigger assholes by doing so. Even with a Presidential election coming up next year, I do NOT want to hear every Tom, Dick, and Harry’s twisted opinions. I don’t want to hear Jane, Mary, and Lizzy’s opinions either. I have my own, I am legally entitled to them, and I really don’t care who other people THINK I should vote for. For now, I simply want to eat something and take a fucking nap (kitten is napping nearby and looks so precious. I love cat-napping with the purrables.). I’ve been up longer than most people have been at work today, no judging.

Later, I just want to watch the fucking hockey game and be left alone. Peace and quiet, even if only an illusion, is still peace and quiet.

In the meantime, while I am living my idiot free existence, let me know how you’re faring as you dodge what I am sure are your very own idiots du jour. Can’t we send them somewhere? Isn’t there a country that needs a larger population?! Because I am more than happy to send them a list of people they can collect as their very own citizens. If I factor in people I know, as well as strangers, they’d have a million new citizens by tomorrow morning.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Liebster Award

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Liebster Award

I would like to thank Blondewritemore, who was lovely in bestowing this upon me. I was chosen because “I keep it real”. Apparently that isn’t common place. I appreciate the sentiment because being real and being true to myself is very important to me. Thank you Lucy. I’m glad we’re getting to know each other. 🙂

This is the first award for Poison In Lethal Doses and it makes me proud.

Here are the rules for this award:

  • Once you are nominated, make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated you.
  • Include the Liebster Award banner in the post.
  • Nominate 7 (it’s supposed to be 10, but… ) people who you feel are worthy of this award. Let them know they have been nominated by commenting on one of their posts. You can also nominate the person who nominated you.
  • Answer the ten questions asked to you by the person who nominated you.
  • Make ten questions of your own for your nominees.
  • Lastly, COPY these rules in the post.
  • ALL THE NOMINEES ARE FREE TO ACCEPT OR REJECT THE NOMINATION

My nominated bloggers are:

Moongazer, who is perhaps one of the sweetest people I have come across here.

Megan, who generously made toys for cat that kitten stole. She’s a sweetheart with a little cutie of her own. 🙂

My Small Surrenders, who is fighting way too many battles and needs support on this journey.

High, High, Higher, because she just showed me that’s she’s far from a fair weather friend. Compassion, kindness, and simply caring about another human being is so rare.

Jodi Ambrose Blog, because Jodi is a sweetheart who never ceases to make people roll on the floor laughing.

My Spoken Heart, because I like what she has to say about so much.

Fish Of Gold, because I said so.

  • Here are my questions for my nominated bloggers:

1. Where are you originally from?

2. What do you think is the most unique trait you possess?

3. Who is the single most important person in your life?

4. What is the most thrilling or inspirational thing you’ve ever done just for yourself?

5. Your own cooking or take-out?

6. Coffee or Tea?

7. Do you have a special ringtone for anyone that always makes you laugh or smile?

8. What is the one thing you cannot live without? (It can be a material object.)

9. How much music would you say you listen to each day?

10. Is your goal to blog and keep on blogging because you love your audience or to complete a novel for any form of publishing at some point? (You can let this one slide Jodi, because I’ve decided your goal is to get your own podcast, Miss Thing!)

These are the questions I was asked.

1. Where do you get your creative inspiration from?

I don’t know that I actually have creative inspiration. I’m simply being myself. It’s basically “Piss me off, pay the consequences.” most days, and other days I have something very specific that I want to say. It’s important to me to cover a wide array of topics and not box myself into any one thing. You have yet to see an excerpt of any of my works in progress here and there’s a reason for that.    

2. How often do you blog?

There are blogs and there are platforms. I am a writer, therefore this is a platform. It’s drastically different from my beauty blog (which I do for fun) or other things that I do on-line that I’d consider more along the lines of a true blog. I try to do something daily, or at the very least 2-4 times a week. It depends on what else I have going on inside my head. It’s very busy up there since I took the curtains down. 😛  

3. What motivates you?

I come from absolutely nothing. My mother was the guiding force behind my talents, and since her passing, I am motivated by stories she would want me to tell, the kinds of books she loved to read. She believed wholeheartedly in my “no holds barred” approach and would often read books and say “You could do this, but better.” She is the reason I can now write fiction with absolute confidence. 

I’ve had to work my tail off for every single thing I’ve ever achieved. Getting out of an abusive home, staying out of abusive relationships and friendships, surviving and thriving; that motivates me. Being who I am, without apologies, THAT motivates me. Remembering who I am, where I come from, and that those streets are always a part of who I am, THAT motivates me. Whenever I lose sight of myself, the song “Jenny From The Block” by Jennifer Lopez comes on or “Empire State Of Mind: Part II” by Alicia Keys. THAT reminds me who I am, and it’s motivational. It’s like flipping a switch. It reminds me that I can accomplish and achieve anything, without someone else’s approval or permission. And I think of my mother and her words, because no one else believed in me more than her.     

4. Why did you start blogging?

In late 2012, I started a blog, …..And The Moon Sees All. It still runs today, just not daily. I transitioned over to this platform in 2014 because I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t being true to myself on the blog. I also disliked a lot of the blogging negativity that was going down. Way too much juvenile behavior for me. I felt strangled and boxed in, and I hated it. I wanted a place where I could unapologetically say anything and everything I think and feel, and I wanted it to be a highly positive, supportive place. Thus far, I have succeeded.

My reputation is what lead me to writing various things under the Poison In Lethal Doses title for 20 years. I decided it was time to go back to my roots and unleash the beast, so to speak. I have a series of Dark Urban Fantasy novels in the works that are steeped in mythology and minor aspects of historical fiction. I feel like this is the right place for that readership. It’s a wonderful way to connect with readers on every level possible; allowing them to get to know me as a person first, and as a writer and editor second.   

5. What is your favourite quote?

I have a great many, as I am a collector of quotes. The two that are crucial to my life are: 

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ―Franz Kafka

Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior – I require myself not to be equal to the best, but to be better than the bad.
There is also the one on the header of this platform that translates to “I am not led; I lead.” I was raised to be a leader, not a follower.

6. Describe yourself in three words?

Loyal. Direct. Genuine. 

7. If you were a famous brand – what brand would you be and why?

I’d be something I believed in, was not embarrassed to attach myself to, and allowed me to be financially stable and secure.

8. When was the last time you got angry?

Saturday night, but hey, the day is still young… 

9. What is your star sign? Are you like your star sign?

I’m a Scorpio. It comes up eight times in my birth chart.

I am not the quintessential stereotype of the sign. I’m not jealous (I learned very early on to conquer that or it would be my destruction) or insane. Will I destroy you if you fuck with me and/or those I love? Yes. Will I be the most loyal friend you’ve ever had? Yes. I encourage people NOT to get on my bad side because once you are, you might as well shrivel up and die. I might forgive someone or something for myself, but I will NEVER forget someone who has done me wrong or hurt me, and the same is true for my loved ones. I do NOT forget evil-doers and if you say something to me that cannot be unheard, it might take me ten years, but eventually you’ll be sorry it ever came out of your mouth. As a friend once said “If you’re lucky enough to be friends with Lisa, take that very seriously because she is not someone to be screwed with!” That sums it up quite nicely. 😉   

10. If you could go back in time where would you go?

I’d go back to my early teen years. I’d make a lot of changes, though when I look back on it now, I realize I had my shit together, even then. Everything happens for a reason, and a lot of those moments helped strengthen me. Perhaps I wouldn’t go back at all, perhaps I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Please take a moment and visit all of the blogs I have posted here. I promise you, it’s worth it.  

Blank, Empty, Devoid

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There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve been devoid of all emotion, except maybe anger. Sometimes rage fuels me to be stronger, better, smarter, faster. I worry sometimes that therapy weakened me, taking my strengths as a woman and turning me into a neutered puppy. But lately, due to serious concerns about my health, I am starting to feel devoid of so much. Not just emotion, but everything. I’m a pretty fearless woman, but when I’m sick every single day from stress and I don’t act on my thoughts because I know they will only result in broken bones, it distracts me from the goal at hand.

I haven’t said anything at all because this is not a personal place, though I think some would disagree and say that my writing is VERY personal. I don’t perceive it as being anything more than me being me, and allowing others to take it or leave it. But I digress; I am about to embark on a huge change in my life. It is going to take every ounce of internal, physical, and emotional strength I have left. It will not be easy. In fact, I expect it to be yet another bloody battle. I really wanted to get away from sword-sharpening and focus on my goals for the next few years, but all of that has been stripped from me, albeit temporarily. Now, all I am able to do is take things one day at a time.

Part of having Fibromyalgia to this extent means accepting help that is offered with a genuine heart. I’m finally seeing a few genuine hearts, as opposed to the kind that do something in the moment and then throw it back in your face at the most inopportune time. I’m shedding the toxic, negative people in my life and embracing the supportive, positive, loving people. I cannot deal with the bullshit or drama that comes with that constant negativity, period.

I will be slightly less present on here at times as I pack up my current life, weeding it down to the bare necessities, in preparation for the next phase. I will take time to mourn what I thought would be best for me, and embrace that which is new. Sometimes doors DO close, but dwelling on that is unhealthy. I have to believe that there is a different purpose for me, even if now, it simply feels like an immense inconvenience.

I know not everyone here is religious or spiritual, but if you’re the praying type, please keep me on the positive side of your prayers. I am sick, praying daily that I do not get worse, and that the change I am about to make is, overall, healthy and smart.

Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing in life is truly permanent, not even death. There will always be good things happening to bad people and bad things that happen to really good people. It’s twisted, it is senseless, but it’s unfortunately a part of life. All I can do is take each day as it comes and give it my best. If “my best” means staying in bed and asking for help, then so be it. I’m not here to compete with anyone and I’m certainly not walking around believing I am better than anyone else. I’m human. Take it or leave it, and if you leave, I really don’t care if the door breaks your tailbone on the way out.

I will check any messages sent to me and respond as soon as I can, but for now, I have no real answers. Each day brings different stressors and honestly, all I want is a problem solver. Alas, life does not work like that.

I pray that as this week comes to a close, I am able to solve the most pressing issues quickly. Wish me good luck. XO.

 

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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