Writing

All The Many Thoughts On The Winding Road

Miss Poison Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Progress, The Pen, Thoughts, Writing , , , , , ,

Part of me wants to apologize for my distance, while the other part reminds me that I have been through a lot and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I would like to believe most people understand that there’s always a reason for my lack of presence.

It’s hard to believe we are officially into Spring. These past two and a half years have been an enormous changing point for me, a challenge of mass proportions. I wish I felt it was entirely positive, but I know in my heart that certain changes are radical.

My life, prior to October 7th, no longer exists. A few people decided to disappear; people I never would have expected it from. New people are in my life, people I don’t have to explain anything to, and I am eternally grateful for this. I won’t lie; it’s hard to find out your friends of so long were never really your friends, and they secretly harbored hate for you, or actually believe a single human being deserved what happened on 10/7. As 2024 ended, I asked myself if I owed anyone an apology. The answer was NO. I stand by my decisions. It is okay to outgrow people and friendships. It is okay to let go. You can still fly, even with a slightly bent wing or two.

Most of what I intended to say here has changed since I first sat down to write this. I contemplated a complete rebrand, but the fact is; This is the brand I have established and owned for nearly my entire writing career. This brand, alongside Poison In Lethal Doses: Uncensored (Which I established in 2016, as part of Poison In Lethal Doses.), are part of an expansion to help all of this grow into something bigger, better, and smarter. It will have serious moments, but it will also showcase my sense of humor better. It’s hard to read tone, but when I talk, people get it. Unfortunately, some people misinterpret it, too. C’est la vie. I am not trying to please everyone. It’s virtually impossible, so why bother?

New information launched first to my IG Broadcast Channel, then to Buy Me A Coffee subscribers (Link is attached. The account is new-ish, and some membership spots are limited.), Patreon, and it is launched here as the final landing spot. The Broadcast Channel has a lot of audio updates, which are important. I would do them here, but haven’t yet delved into that aspect of the site. I have been busy and distracted. I am doing my best to refocus.

A new project came into my life last year, and if you’ve seen the notification from October, you know I am working on an important essay discussing and documenting what it’s like to be a Jewish woman in the diaspora. I had my project partner drop out earlier this year, without telling me, so I decided to go solo, which is what I do best. The second the stress of having to depend on another person to do their share was gone, the writing flowed smoothly, and I immediately knocked out an additional thousand words in less than an hour. I am currently eleven pages in, and I hope to get to thirty pages, or so. It is my story, a fully lived experience. The uncertainty, hate, rising antisemitism, unnecessary use of the word anti-Zionism, pogroms, attacks on every aspect of the Jewish community, and globalized threats are why it’s absolutely crucial for me to do this. For the first time in my entire career, I have the most supportive friends who can’t wait to see the finished product. No one is judging my place in the community, they are listening.

One thing I’ve been planning for the past few years has also been launched: My Etsy store. There you can find t-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, hoodies, what might be the best mug I’ve ever seen (It’s 20 ounces and heavy material. The packaging is no joke. When I opened it, I was over the moon at how stunning it came out. I had to pry it out of the box with more force than I thought necessary, and it was worth it. There are additional drink options there, as well. I am currently using the 32 ounce stainless steel water tumbler. I would buy this even if it didn’t have my logo on it. It keeps everything extremely cold. I woke up and half of the bottle was ice after eleven hours. I’ve never had anything maintain ice this well. I intentionally wanted to test it out to know it was this kind of quality, because I don’t want to promote junk. I love it!), and a nice selection of other items I’m genuinely proud of. Global shipping is offered. I handle nothing, except the original designs and customer service. Everything is made especially for you upon ordering, in your choice of colors, as applicable, and shipped to your door. I am constantly getting samples in, so if you have interest in any particular item or you have questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me there. It is linked below. Please read my listings carefully, as I am not in control of shipping charges (I personally order three items or more at a time to reduce shipping costs. I have communicated that I’d like the vendor to offer free shipping, whenever possible). I have tried to carefully choose items I felt were what I would want to see from someone like me. Most items are limited edition and will not be brought back. Inventory on certain things is extremely limited. The store intro explains that many colors are being discontinued, through no fault of my own. I will do my best to find alternative shades if you find something is unavailable.

Poison In Lethal Doses (your link is the front of the sentence) has always been important, and my logo represents a large part of what I stand for. The sword is also a pen. The ink well is Scorpion venom. Pen, sword, shield, and one of the single most deadly creatures on the planet. I intentionally chose the Gothic style lettering, because it always speaks to me. Poison In Lethal Doses, this phrase, has always been an analogy, but now it’s more. More me. More of the future. Powerful words, growth, forever changing, forever trying to be the absolute best version of myself I can be. I’m in my Red Era, and I have no time to second guess the past. It’s time to shoot forward. That’s what you’re going to see; evolution.

My goal is to make myself proud. Thank you for being on this journey with me. It has been a long time, and changes are necessary. I will be stepping into the most uncensored version of myself I’ve ever been. It is an important stepping stone. Again, thank you for being here. I appreciate your support, and always will.

“The pen is mightier than a sword, a gun, or any weapon that stands before it. At the end of the day, only one can win. Those who choose the pen know.” -Unknown

Greetings & Returns

Miss Poison Achievements, Arthritis, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Transformation, Triggers, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today felt like a decent opportunity to hop on and try to say something of substance. It sounds great in my head, but there are no guarantees for how it flows in front of you. All I am giving for now is effort, which is better than nothing at all on a site I do all of the work on, and pay for.

There’s so much going on within the silence, which has become a disturbing form of, “normal” for my tribe, and yes, for me, as well. I made the crucial decision to let unsupportive friends, family members, and friendships go. If you haven’t heard from me, and haven’t said anything of value to me in over a year, that’s precisely where we stand. You keep being silent, and I’m going to keep myself focused on those who have stood up for me, stood with me, stood by me, and would never dare two-sides a situation they themselves have no skin in. The reality, however, is that we all have a role to play in this.

Call me crazy, but I don’t recall anyone calling President Bush on 9/12 and telling him what was proportionate, or not, after so many lives were lost on U.S. soil, so fuck those who’ve been doing this with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I am sick of messages asking me for proof. What the hell do I have to prove to you? I will cheerfully provide a list of roughly one hundred people who will be all too happy to show you, “proof”. I can’t guarantee the temperament you’ll get, but truly, I’m more than happy to pass the info along. I think it would be incredibly helpful and educational for so many to be faced with the sheer brutality. Yes, that’s partial sarcasm. Also, I’m sort of done explaining how I feel. No one has cared, and I will not pursue anything in light of this.

To get back to, “normal”, my body had a stress meltdown. I had an injury begin at the end of February. I couldn’t do anything when I needed to sleep, nor could I do much when I was completely unable to walk, dragging my leg behind me like a wounded animal. I’ve never seen my cats so terrified before. 😦 It was yet another rough patch to get through. It has returned, stopped, returned, etc. This is how stress has built up in my body to the point of a breakdown. There are many other side effects I will not discuss. Suffice to say, I am gearing up to see a new orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and a specialist who is focused on facial pain, as I officially have Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s the plague, you just can’t see it.). I’ve had x-rays done, which rendered some new and odd results, and I have three MRIs to schedule. For now, only one was approved. It’s easier to suffer once from all three, than it is to suffer separately for each MRI, but at this point, I am gearing up to do one, unless miracles happen this month.

When it wasn’t me suffering, it was Cat. There was a terrifying incident with her and a trip to an Urgent Care vet. She is significantly better now, but will be on medication for the rest of her life. I am lucky to have had previous experience with this particular health issue. 😦 She’s not liking the special diet she needs to be on, which I kind of expected might be an issue. She’s extremely picky as it is, and smart enough to pick around the new food to only eat what she likes. I have watched her spit pieces onto the floor or into her water dish. I’ve eliminated two brands, but have been lucky to find others which don’t require a prescription. I want to keep her healthy and avoid issues moving forward. I know this is not something I did or caused, but it is definitely difficult from an emotional standpoint. When she’s stubbornly fought me on food, I have been frustrated by the waste. The vet did not make this any easier on me. Medicating her initially required an extra set of hands. I have always said she takes the most liberties with me because I’m the person she’s had every day of her life since she was twelve weeks old. She fights me, dodges me, avoids me, and has not spent much time with me since this all began, but she slowly began to realize that she wasn’t being hurt, and that the medication made her feel better. She also gained weight she had initially lost, so I am hoping for good results moving forward. I am happy she is starting to socialize again and check in on me.

It’s been a trying year, an emotional year, and one where I’ve definitely felt alone and abandoned by people I thought would be in my life, for the rest of my life. I silently said goodbye to people, because I will not tolerate blatant antisemitism, nor will I tolerate selfishness, people who cannot listen, people who talk over me, and people who don’t understand that an apology has layers. I don’t miss an ounce of the drama others brought forth.

2024 has not turned out as planned, and that’s understandable. There are much bigger plans in motion, huge projects (One was announced in June. I will share it here soon.), and I am SO excited to share it all, as it unfolds. For now, I can truly say I am walking into my Red Era. Join the Broadcast Channel on Instagram (It’s linked.), which is where all members receive exclusive content, early announcements, and more. Hope to see you there. XO, L

copyright © 2024 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Steer Clear Of These Flames

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For those who haven’t been living in a cave for the past twenty-six days, you can (maybe) imagine the place I have been in. Or not. For those who actively follow me on Instagram, you know I have been in full-time beast mode as an activist. When a nation screams out for her people, you answer the call.

I want to be super clear with everyone reading this; the genocide which took place on October 7th, 2023 was not, and never was, about land. Modern-day Israel was repurchased by Jews in the late 1940s. You can research for yourself or approach me at a different time, but it was not colonized, and Jews are not “white, European settlers.” You cannot colonize your own land! Jews comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. British Mandate “Palestine” was divided into two states; Israel and Jordan. This was the original kingdom of Judea, so our history and ties to the land goes back over three thousand years. Judaism pre-dates Islam by quite a lot of time (Fifteen hundred years, if not longer). These are facts. By now, you all know me and you know I’m not going to sit here and bullshit you. I don’t have the time, patience, or inclination to pretend. I’m many things, but I’m not a liar.

What happened almost a month ago was never about “resistance”. It was, one hundred percent, about hate. It is Hitler’s message resurging, almost a hundred years later. Except, it wasn’t Nazis this time, but the message is similar. A different breed of terrorist, and they livestreamed their atrocities to the world. The Nazis tried to hide their war crimes; Hamas is proud of it.

Not strong enough to take over the world, which is their true goal (Read: Hamas Charter.), these cowards tore into Southern Israel and proceeded to murder over two hundred and sixty souls at a music festival. I will spare you some of the details. They tortured, burned, raped, mutilated, beheaded, hacked, and killed fourteen hundred people (women, babies, children, men, soldiers, the handicapped, elderly, and ill.), and counting. Over two hundred and twenty people, including approximately thirty-one children, remain hostage in Gaza (They were keeping the children in cages.). They went as far as to murder and kidnap Holocaust survivors. Are you outraged now? They raped babies, infants, children, and women so badly that they shattered pelvic bones. Are you still feeling like silence is a good option? If you want proof, because all terrorist sympathizers want “proof”, the videos and images are all over my social media. I was careful regarding where I sourced information from out of respect for the families of the deceased.

All of these horrors affected not just Israelis, but every religion residing in the country. It also affected over thirty-five countries who have casualties, while so many remain unaccounted for. Most of these people work in Israel or were on vacation. The numbers are staggering, and if you’re like me, and have seen the unedited photos and footage, there is no way you can justify a single incident. The mind is not fully prepared for the things I have seen, and that’s why I haven’t been here until now. Before you ask, no, I am NOT okay. I can count on one hand precisely who checked in with me and who did not. Friendships have been unmasked, and I see everyone clearly for what they truly are.

If you’re planning to leave me any kind of two-sides comment, stop right where you are. Unfollow me, and go fuck yourself. I said what I said. There are no two sides to genocide.

Yes, I am angry. If you aren’t, then you haven’t been paying attention to anything I’ve said over the years, and that’s sad. For you. I am not responsible for what you comprehend or choose to focus on. My job, my responsibility, is to write the truth. It is the first rule you learn as a writer; don’t write anything untrue and don’t plagiarize. Lies are for fiction.

My anger propelled me to launch something I have been working on since 2019. I look forward to sharing it with you all soon. And by soon, I mean it drops to my Broadcast Channel members first, and then it will be announced here with information on where to experience this next chapter. For now, I’m going to focus on my mental health, my loved one’s, and my people.

copyright © 1995-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Wound Up, Fucked Up, and Everything In Between

Miss Poison Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , ,

The days and weeks have, unfortunately, blown by. Many have been incredibly unkind. I rarely know what day it is anymore. But today, it dawned on me how long it had been since I’d updated. I am not going to apologize, because it’ll sound like a broken record. None of us wants this. It’s annoying, and it can seem disingenuous.

The past few months have been unexpectedly hard on me. So much seemed to be heading in the right direction, and the crash took me, not by surprise, but it’s made me feel like the victim of multiple assaults via vehicle. That’s only a small part of how I feel.

Pain from my hands to my toes. From my head, up. My entire body has been, “off”, for lack of a better term. At times, the issues I’ve been having and the pain have been so bad, I’ve prayed for my death. All I want is quality of life, and I am constantly being told, NO.

For example, I met a new pain specialist last month who had nothing to offer except x-rays of my neck and lower lumbar spine (To see what everything looks like now. After verifying that I NEVER had a pinched nerve, despite being treated for one; twice!), a mild muscle relaxer which I can take long-term, and a list of treatment methods I’ve already done. I was fed up, mostly because I felt like my appointment took forever. My handwriting wasn’t even legible on the forms I filled out, except for my signature (Yes, I have a real one.).

Despite what this woman rambled on about, I am not stupid enough to do physical and aqua therapy for the next 2 to 5 years of my life before she will act on my pain. What’s worse? She made herself into the victim for having to do some paperwork. REALLY?! I’m in pain 24/7, it is getting increasingly worse, but I should feel bad for her because she gets paid half a million dollars a year to do her fucking job? NO. No fucking way! It was one of the worst attitudes I’ve encountered in a while, and it reminded me why I try to handle all of this without medical intervention. Each new doctor insults me, says or does something completely disrespectful, and/or inappropriate. I expected nothing, and that’s pretty much what I got.

I walked out that day and had no tolerance left for the constant medical gaslighting. I will have the x-rays done ASAP. I will not see this doctor again. I can read the x-ray report myself, and communicate by phone. I will request a new referral to a different pain clinic at a completely different hospital. I spent more time with the intern, who really took the time to get to know me and my history, than I did with the doctor who walked in with a, “There’s nothing I can do for you.” attitude. What bugged me the most was the intern telling me I am still a competitive athlete, and I “can power through this.” Intractable, chronic pain is not something you, “power through” when you aren’t sleeping, can’t do 95% of what you would like to do, and your pain has worsened exponentially in the past year, alone. Sitting is the only time I am semi-comfortable. Sleeping is painful. Walking isn’t always possible. Sudden movement? Not a good idea.

As I write this, I have severe contusions from getting blood work done. My left forearm is deep black, blue, and purple, a vein which produced so little blood, the phlebotomist said it would be disposed of (Lovely! Go on and waste what little I’ve got!). My right hand is a full blown bruise encompassing the entire top of my hand down to my knuckles in lovely shades of red, blue, black, and purple, swollen, and this was just for two vials. What’s worse? My results are confusing. Despite supplementing, eating foods high in vitamin D, and actually being in more direct sunlight than usual this summer, I am once again D deficient. This means two plus months of high-dose supplementation. Ultimately, this also means more testing. Something is wrong, and I can’t figure out precisely what it is just yet. Not without additional answers. This will include a full genetic screening to find out what the hell is going on. If I go missing, I am overbuying Gatorade, coconut water, bottled water, and mushroom elixir (Check out my Instagram page for updates on that!). I started the year off with jasmine rice, egg noodles, and homemade chicken soup. Looks like I will end it in similar fashion.

Summer is officially over on the 23rd, thank G-d! I am looking forward to Fall weather, but not the actual fact that 2023 blew by in a whirlwind of illness, unanswered questions, trying to be strong, suffering, lots of needles, nearly going into complete brain and body meltdown, and my constantly wondering why the medical community hates their patients. I am the perfect example of doctors going against the Hippocratic Oath. They are doing harm. One doctor numbed the back of my head so badly early this year, that she managed to numb my bladder. It’s been close to five months, and I am still experiencing side effects. Just ponder that for a moment, because she completely forgot to tell me it was a possibility.

The Jewish holidays are also approaching, with Rosh Hashanah beginning on the evening of the 15th. I intend to be as low-key as humanly possible for all of the holidays. I will be focusing solely on my health for the remainder of this year, as well as the manuscript I have been hard at work on, along with fun projects I’ve got in the pipeline, which are being held up from a legal perspective, as opposed to procrastination or any kind of laziness on my part. It will all work itself out, this much I know. I (finally!) will meet with a new primary care doctor this Fall, so here’s hoping I do get some answers before I’m old and grey.

For today, that’s my update. Sleepless, writing my ass off, and trying to be present when all I can truly say is, this year has been a fucked up nightmare. Here’s to pulling myself out of it and finding the proper path.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Tempus Fugit

Miss Poison Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , ,

Indeed, time flies. It’s the end of July, and I have no idea where this year has gone. One minute I’m discussing a specific holiday or event, and the next thing I know, BAM, it’s all in the past and cannot be relived. I know I will blink, and it will be Fall. Things are moving differently right now, and I won’t lie. It’s disturbing to my soul. Time is on a whole other level these days, and if other people didn’t acknowledge this with me, I might think I was losing my mind.

For the most part, due to illness (My migraines have been the absolute WORST.), I had to cancel this month and rest. I was battling as many as two migraines per day, and also managed to twist out both knees and sprain my ankles. This requires some talent where you do your own stunts, mostly in your sleep, and wake up wondering what the hell happened, or if a truck hit you. It’s been a rough time, and I’ve hated it.

I decided to keep to myself, for the most part. I hit the research hard (Special thanks to my assistant-in-crime. Without you, I would delegate absolutely NOTHING.), and began to put in the work on what will be a lengthy nonfiction manuscript. I am under complete silence on the subject matter, but suffice to say, this is some mind-blowing, heinous shit. As a woman, sometimes we must take it upon ourselves to really use our voice in a powerful, “change the system” kind of way. I was put in this position for a reason, but I also catch myself writing and thinking there’s no one better for this particular job. The feeling isn’t coming from a place of ego, but from a place of, “Everyone else seems to think this is okay, and it’s NOT.” I genuinely catch myself in various states of shock each day, and it doesn’t seem to get better.

If you are going to put ink to paper, do it to make a difference. There’s obviously a very real place for fiction and entertainment (Two of my favorite things to escape into.), but when all is said and done, my headstone isn’t going to say I made people laugh. I may do so inadvertently, but the message for me is clear; MAKE A FUCKING DIFFERENCE. BE A VOICE FOR CHANGE. If you catch yourself wondering what I might be up to, that’s precisely what I am doing. I’m working my ass off to dismantle something. Piece by fucking piece. Inch by inch. It’s going to come tumbling down, and it is all too necessary.

May you all have a marvelous August ahead. I’ll do my best to be as present as possible, but when I can’t be, know I am hard at work. Bright Blessings one and all.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Emotional Support?

Miss Poison June, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

At the beginning of last month, my world began to cave in on me. There’s nothing like finding yourself on a city street feeling confused, disoriented, and so stressed, you couldn’t even figure out where you were, or why. I was unsafe and needed to quickly get to safety. Once I did, my brain couldn’t catch up. I was able to communicate via text and written messages, but I couldn’t fully express the shape I was in, or how much help I needed, and still need. Even now, the realization shocks me.

The worst part was the following day; sitting early in the morning as my body and mind began to collapse in on each other. Shooting pains from head to toe. Swollen eyes, joints, and this excruciating non-stop pain in my body. I couldn’t be calm. I had a vicious migraines, a foggy mind, and I was scared. I reached a point where I couldn’t walk. Stress was beginning to break me. I kept thinking, “You’re going to have a heart attack or a stroke. You NEED your mind. You cannot let this happen.” And so, I decided to press pause and take care of myself. I needed rest, and I still do. When you are a survivor in fight mode, you do not know when to stop or slow down. Stopping means death. In this particular case, it genuinely was almost the end of my life from complete burn out. Even as I type this, I am not okay. Not even close.

Obviously, it’s been a difficult time. I had to set so much aside to try and heal. To truly rest my body and mind. I’m not quite there, yet. I am struggling daily; most especially with sleep, pain, and keeping my brain calm. 2023 has been one of the hardest years of my life, and that’s saying something considering all I have been through, thus far. This was not the kind of year I anticipated or planned for.

I wish I had been able to come here and say all of this. I told practically no one what I was going through, and that includes people I am extremely close to. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my pain, and to this day, I feel like the very concept of emotional support is laughable. I have never felt more alone, despite having people in my life who *might* be willing to help. Most people have their own shit to deal with, and they lack the ability to listen. They don’t want or need my problems on top of their own. No, that’s not martyrdom; this is what it’s like when you’re an unselfish person. You help others, but you never receive what you need in return because people look at you and fully believe that no natter what, you’ll be fine. I can’t tell you how many people say this at funerals. “I thought she was fine.” She wasn’t. She isn’t.

I would have written more this month if I had felt better. I don’t, and I have no idea what July has in store. For so many years, I posted daily in some capacity. This year is not a “daily” kind of year. I wish it were. I wish things felt normal. They don’t, because they aren’t anywhere near normal. I can only hope things will get better and normalize, with time. How much time? I have no idea. It is better to be honest, as opposed to pretending you have all the answers.

As Americans move into a holiday weekend, please aim for safety. It’s hard to feel good about the 4th of July as we watch important things be decimated, like affirmative action. We are just slightly over a year from Roe v. Wade being overturned, and a large amount of states standing behind it. Women trying to dictate to other women what we can do with our own bodies; it’s fucking disgusting. I’m proud to be from a state which chooses to give the Supreme Court a gigantic middle finger. and protects women’s rights.

More will happen. God only knows what, but it’s coming. The world is changing, and not necessarily in good ways. Remember to register to vote and do so accordingly. A lot of sycophants need to be removed from office via your vote. Others need to be voted in. I will be voting out hate, and voting in change. If you’re not sure where to start and would like more information for your state, please go to A Starting Point.

May July be a greater month for us all. Enjoy something, and thank you for sticking with me. Bright Blessings.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

All The Messy Shit (At Least It’s Honest)

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If you’ve wondered where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, Instagram was probably a good place to start. I wasn’t posting too much of the personal journey, which is ongoing, but I was active enough to make a dent in this crazy world of balancing life with social media activity.

When it comes I writing, I have a few partially started pieces (and multiple manuscripts), but I didn’t get very far with anything because I’ve been distracted, sick, and trying to live. The living part is where things get tricky. The art of balancing means I’ve been close to hitting my head many times.

No matter what you may or may not be going through, it’s important to know who is on your side. Over the past year, I’ve watched my circle shrink to a dot. Nothing I say here is anything I will not, or have not, said to someone’s face. Establishing hardcore boundaries showed me who was going to ride things out with me, and who wasn’t. I’m okay. I’m mentally prepared to cut off family members, empty friendships, and anything and anyone who is unhealthy or toxic. People are going to be surprised, but I am ready for this next chapter. My patience is gone. My temper is at an all-time high. I am never one hundred percent sure what is going to come out of my mouth, and I’ve been super honest about this.

Part of my silence here is because my life is changing and for a long time, I felt like I was losing my identity. It felt as though someone had erased my accomplishments, wiped things clean, and took me along with them. It is a horrible feeling. I’m struggling, and I have exactly two people who are aware of what is going on. It feels like a burden; a two person support system. It makes me even angrier, because I listen to everyone with a genuine heart. I answer texts and e-mails. I take calls, even when I would prefer not to. I’m hurting, and that’s actually kind of dangerous because I am dealing with so much narcissistic selfishness that it’s borderline unfathomable, and I do not use this expression lightly.

I wear many hats and titles, some more important than others, but as a writer, you never want to lose your purpose for speaking up and speaking out. You will have occasional ups and downs, because that is life in a nutshell, but lifting yourself back up into your role, and your gift, well, it’s been difficult for me. It is important to talk about it, to address it, and to remember you only compete against yourself. No one else on this planet has what I have to offer. There’s a reason for everyone’s unique perspective. It is a Divine gift.

Someone suggested I put one word in front of the other, and just keep going. They weren’t in the same room with me when they said this, or I would have tossed them out the closest window. It came off so dismissive. Two days later, I had someone else be even more dismissive with me, and I returned from that interaction sick as a dog.

Covid has taught me that I am actually sickened by people in all kinds of situations, large or small, and would prefer to keep things as small and as private as humanly possible. Some things are too damn precious to share. I am adjusting to this knowledge, while honoring my very real feelings on this matter.

When everything is “officially” reopened next month, I will still be taking precautions. I am going to prioritize my safety, and the safety of my family. I am going to put my mental and emotional health first. I am not going to jump into anything, because the cast iron skillet isn’t ever safe. It’s not about fear or paranoia; it’s about common sense. The world has changed. So have I; for the better.

Life is chaotic and messy, but I’m looking forward towards all the beauty coming my way. I’m going to absorb all of it, privately. In peace. And yeah, I will write about things, because it’s what I do.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Don’t Shake The Bottle

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I’ve been quiet. I am still recovering from the virus which refuses to leave, so I’ve spent the entire start of this year rescheduling my life. Ultimately, certain things happened to remind me I will forever be a work in progress. I thought I had worked through a very specific set of issues, but so much has come to the surface recently to let me know I’m not okay at all.

Our brains try to protect us through the deepest traumas, so we block out painful things, and/or extremely stressful shit. When it starts to surface out of nowhere, it’s ten times more painful. Your brain didn’t protect you at all; it made things worse by allowing horrors to surface at the absolute worst time in your life. It’s difficult to reconcile those things with your memories. A good example was when I returned to my childhood home. I didn’t think it was the worst childhood anyone on the planet could have had (I have heard stories which make my childhood seem pretty darn shiny and happy. It was not.), but I had completely blocked out living there. For some reason, there was zero familiarity to the space at all. In fact, I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to get in and out as quickly as humanly possible. I tried to avoid dealing with it, because yes, it was bad and I didn’t deserve it.

For the past few months, I was unaware there was extensive rage bubbling underneath the surface. For starters, I am not the most patient person on the planet. I warn people about this. I probably spend a bit more time than I care to by prefacing things ahead of anyone having to deal with me directly. In reality, I can stop doing this because it doesn’t matter anymore. Ultimately, no one gives a shit. The majority of people are so wrapped up in themselves, they won’t notice your behavior if it’s a little off. They aren’t paying attention to it the way I probably do.

As you try not to lose your rage at any given moment, sometimes it comes out unexpectedly. It’s not dissimilar to improperly opening a bottle of champagne. I am equally shocked by half of what comes out of my mouth these days as anyone else might be. I am learning to be okay with that, because it might be raw, but it’s also real. Real is good. It might not always feel good, but it’s better than false perfection.

My main goal this year is to do my best. Having to admit that I cannot post every single day this year was incredibly hard for me. I felt angry and torn by this, because yes, I pay to keep my site up and running. It’s my job to produce content. However, when you are suffering from extreme burn out, it is okay to admit that 365 days a year is maybe a lofty aspiration, especially this many years in.

I feel good that I am back on my manuscript. I wish I had more time for it, but I am doing my best, and closing in on 110,000 words is no small feat. Much of the career stuff I have on my plate involves change, big moves, and gaining funding for an idea I feel passionate about. I am a writer, and this is never going to change, but I need more than one thing to be completely passionate about. I will soon have another website for what I will be doing, and will be the Social Media Director for this passion-project, along with many other hats I will have to wear initially. Not only am I cool with that, but the very thought makes me deliriously happy. I hope you will follow the journey, but if not, I will still be here. I will still do my best.

copyright © 1995-2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Wondering When It Gets Better

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It’s hard to believe tomorrow is February, but it’s harder still to believe how sick I am. This virus is no joke. A few days and I’ll feel better? Not so much. Third bottle of cough medicine. Insomnia and parasomnia. The overall feeling this will not go away because it was a misdiagnosis on top of multiple misdiagnoses. I hardly know what day it is, and sometimes, I don’t know who I am. Quite frankly, none of this gives me “virus” vibes. Yes, I may need to see another doctor. What kind of doctor? Therein lies the ultimate question. <Sigh>

Last week, things got really scary when, within a few hours of feeling like I was freezing to death, my temperature had spiked to over 102 degrees. I had checked three times, and each time my fever increased, but I was way too sick to rationalize with myself. Moving was difficult. I was really weak. I couldn’t keep down water. I was sick in all caps, and my throat was raw. In total, it took about six hours for me to be able to swallow four Tylenol. I was deathly ill and so slow; and I have repeatedly tested negative for Covid, so I was pretty sure this was more of the same (With a follow-up negative for Covid.). I rescheduled an important appointment that morning because keeping my head up was too painful, and quite frankly, too much work. I then proceeded to sleep for almost seventeen hours straight. That is definitely not normal for me.

One benefit of being sick is having Cat and Kitten be sweet, little caretakers. Kitten only leaves my side for meals and short breaks. I go to sleep and she’s by my side. I wake up, and she’s watching me. I go back to sleep, and she’s snuggled up close. Occasionally, Cat is also with me. Either by herself, or within 1-2 feet of Kitten. Even though the new vet stupidly referred to them as “old lady cats” (I suggested they bite her.), it is more appropriate to say they are adult cats. Cat turned nine this past Fall, and Kitten turned eight. Collectively, they still have far more energy than I do. There’s something so pure and genuine about the affection when I reach over and pet Cat’s bunny soft fur. She almost doesn’t feel real, but she is, and the second I do anything she doesn’t like, she will run off. I require written permission for affection, which means, no touching. Kitten wants all the affection, all the head scratches, all the chin scratches, everything. She doesn’t hold grudges or take anything personally for too long. They truly have very unique, individual personalities.

If only this virus would move along as quickly as Cat when I so much as move a muscle. Being sick has zero perks. In a full months I have gone to Urgent Care, the pharmacy, grabbed groceries and some cat supplies. I got sicker after the grocery run, and that was with two masks on! My life has legitimately been sleep, sleep, and more sleep. It’s important to listen to my body. None of this rest has seemed to help, and neither have all the vitamins and healthy choices I’ve made, either.

Yesterday was my first step back into “real life”, and I ended up in bed before six o’clock, exhausted beyond words. I felt overwhelmingly ill. I still don’t feel great. Never a worse time for Amazon to lose not one, but TWO tissue deliveries when I need them so badly. UGH! “We promise you’ll have these on Monday.” That was on Friday, so I thought, “Okay.” No delivery. We promise you’ll have them by February 1st. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU LOSING 18 BOXES OF TISSUES?! How does it leave a facility and disappear? Why can’t you lose the orders I try to cancel?! Yeah, I have questions. Who wouldn’t?!

Despite the fact that Covid restrictions are going to be lifted this Spring, I still don’t feel well enough for certain things. February is a short month and I am concerned about how to navigate it in a healthful way. The same is true for March and April. It seems far away, but one look at my phone calendar says otherwise.

Ultimately, I had to make the decision that 2023 would not be the year where I would be able to post daily. This hasn’t been true in the past, even at my worst, but it must be true this year. I have to heal, focus, and work on projects I am passionate about. I will share things as they come up, but I’m going to do what I feel is right. I hope you’ll hang in for the ride.

I’ll be back with an update when I am feeling better. Wishing you all the best. Also, Happy Lunar New Year!

copyright © 2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

It’s All Fun And Games…

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How did your year begin? I woke up on New Year’s Day with laryngitis and a sore throat that made no sense. I can’t tell you the last time I had both happen at the same time. It’s been a long, damn time since I’ve had vocal issues. My voice went from nothing to a whisper. The following morning, I had a voice, but it was accompanied by a fever and a vicious cough. I sounded awful and my head felt like heavy, wet cement had taken up residence. I tested negative for Covid, but still decided it was best to go to Urgent Care on day three when my symptoms were worse. It’s all fun and games until you’re forcing yourself to see a doctor, or in this case, a Physician’s Assistant.

The wait was reasonable. The nursing staff and technicians treated me with absolute kindness. I immediately tested negative for two forms of strep, two forms of the flu, and Covid. I was convinced I had an infection, and I still sort of question if I do.

When the PA walked in to do his thing, I was prepared to be dismissed. He skipped a few steps, for sure. He didn’t check my eyes and he didn’t bother to check my sinuses. After declaring that he was pretty sure I had an acute upper respiratory infection, I was informed my ears and lungs were perfectly clear (I still think there’s a kitten meowing inside my chest when I breathe.). I was dismissed with a prescription for Tessalon perles. He actually became visibly annoyed when I asked a few questions. I was looking for clarification, especially since I’d been careful.

I’ve spent almost a solid week in bed, when I could, but mostly I’ve dealt with horrendous coughing, a dry throat which sometimes triggers other issues, severe headaches, facial pain, mild wheezing, sneezing marathons, and ear crackling which drives me insane. I’ve either had an appetite for real food or I’ve been craving comfort food, like homemade chicken noodle soup. This is a specific recipe and requires kosher ingredients. I recently moved on to swollen eyes, where I actually looked like someone had hit me.

This virus SUCKS. The Physician’s Assistant told me I’d be fine in a few days. I’m not. I am still experiencing sore throat issues and this cough is keeping me awake and leaving me unsettled.

Your Covid vaccines will NOT prevent you from getting any virus that is floating around. Double mask, if you can. Especially in public. I only got lucky in the sense that this did not progress to bronchitis, but it still could. I am taking precautions and trying to get myself healthier. Right now, depletion of energy is my biggest challenge each day. As of right now, I am pretty sure I will miss at least one in-person doctor’s appointment this month. My doctor did warm me in advance that if I so much as had a sniffle, not to come in. This is the kind of thing I definitely don’t want to spread around any medical office.

It’s all fun and games until you can’t rest, but need copious amounts of sleep. It’s ridiculous how hard this virus as hit me, but I am trying to hit back harder, and failing. Hopefully, it will pass entirely in another week or two. Hopefully, most people will not get this. If you do, stock up on tissues, vitamins, honey, and do whatever you can to feel better. No one hates being sick more than I do. This “acute” URI ISN’T cute at all.

Thank you to everyone who helped take care of my in some way since this all began. It’s appreciated. Stay well, folks!

copyright © 2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.