If you have ever been sexually assaulted or raped, I want you to know #IStandWithYou. The most appalling thing I have experienced during this horrific time is a woman saying to me, “It’s not like he raped her.” It took every last ounce of strength and determination in me not to break her jaw for that. Women who don’t stand with other women, who immediately take the side of a man simply because “he’s a man”, are women I don’t want anywhere near me.
For the record, men have come forward with their own stories and I believe them, because it takes a great amount of strength to stand up and speak the truth.
I’ve been trained, since birth, to speak up, speak out, do not be afraid, and to KNOW there is strength in what I have to say. As long as I know the truth in my heart, I do NOT care if I am believed by assholes who are quick to judge.
I’ve had friends come to me in light of the #MeToo movement with stories that broke my heart and took extraordinary amounts of strength to write, leave alone say to someone else. I have had friends who were raped who were verbally abused by cops when they demanded to report it as the crime that it is. I’ve had friends who were sexually molested and tortured as children, and no one believed them, not even their families. I stand with them and I will keep doing so.
Last week I was struggling pretty hard and opened up to a friend. Most people run for the hills when you’re blatant in your honesty with them, especially about anything difficult, but this friend showed me that I was not going to be kicked while I was down, that her arms and heart were open for me. Actions speak louder than words. You can say you’ll always be there for me, but actually being there? That’s far more important to me. Words, it turns out, are often meaningless when it truly matters. So, thank you for being there for me, B. I won’t forget that. XO.
When you’ve spent most of your life being abandoned by people, you come to expect that it will continue to cycle, regardless of what you do to try to break the chain. Forgiveness isn’t an option for me in most instances. I will let something go…for me, but I don’t allow the same people back into my life to continue to hurt and harm me. Once I no longer feel anything for you, be it love or respect, I’m emotionally done. I used to think that was odd, but it turns out it’s not. The heart, mind, and soul have boundaries too, and it’s okay to accept and honor that.
I’ve been contemplating for some time now getting in touch with family I haven’t spoken to in several years. Ultimately I have decided not to call until Thanksgiving, because I truly don’t feel as though I’ve ever been part of the family, and there’s only so much effort I can make. In my mind, this is their last chance and I’m not going to make any bones about that. Not everyone you share blood lines with is going to be true family. Thankfully, you can choose your friends, which makes up for everything you find lacking in your family. If you met 99% of mine, you’d never know I was related to them. My best friend Marion suggested a DNA test to make sure they’re actually my relatives. She was appalled by the differences. I spent my entire life thinking there was something wrong with me, but it turns out, it’s not me, it’s them, and she helped me see that.
This morning I learned of a friends’ miscarriage, and it put a lot of things into perspective for me. My heart breaks for the loss of the twins they were expecting. Yes, miscarriages happen every day, but if any two people deserved to be parents, it was them. I know in my heart that the right children will be gifted to them at the right time, and that they need time to fully mourn, but it knocked me down with immense sadness. An absolute stranger could tell me about a miscarriage and I’d feel sad for their loss. It’s called empathy. It never ceases to amaze me how much people are lacking in this department. I have moments where I only need to know the facts and how to fix the situations presented to me, but I’m not self-absorbed. I don’t ignore other people’s pain. Other people may ignore mine, but the humanity in me doesn’t allow me to ignore theirs. I don’t require a pat on the back for paying attention or looking deeply at other people. I’m simply being myself.
Take a moment during your busy day or week to look a little deeper at someone and a little less at yourself. You might be surprised by what you find.
There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve been devoid of all emotion, except maybe anger. Sometimes rage fuels me to be stronger, better, smarter, faster. I worry sometimes that therapy weakened me, taking my strengths as a woman and turning me into a neutered puppy. But lately, due to serious concerns about my health, I am starting to feel devoid of so much. Not just emotion, but everything. I’m a pretty fearless woman, but when I’m sick every single day from stress and I don’t act on my thoughts because I know they will only result in broken bones, it distracts me from the goal at hand.
I haven’t said anything at all because this is not a personal place, though I think some would disagree and say that my writing is VERY personal. I don’t perceive it as being anything more than me being me, and allowing others to take it or leave it. But I digress; I am about to embark on a huge change in my life. It is going to take every ounce of internal, physical, and emotional strength I have left. It will not be easy. In fact, I expect it to be yet another bloody battle. I really wanted to get away from sword-sharpening and focus on my goals for the next few years, but all of that has been stripped from me, albeit temporarily. Now, all I am able to do is take things one day at a time.
Part of having Fibromyalgia to this extent means accepting help that is offered with a genuine heart. I’m finally seeing a few genuine hearts, as opposed to the kind that do something in the moment and then throw it back in your face at the most inopportune time. I’m shedding the toxic, negative people in my life and embracing the supportive, positive, loving people. I cannot deal with the bullshit or drama that comes with that constant negativity, period.
I will be slightly less present on here at times as I pack up my current life, weeding it down to the bare necessities, in preparation for the next phase. I will take time to mourn what I thought would be best for me, and embrace that which is new. Sometimes doors DO close, but dwelling on that is unhealthy. I have to believe that there is a different purpose for me, even if now, it simply feels like an immense inconvenience.
I know not everyone here is religious or spiritual, but if you’re the praying type, please keep me on the positive side of your prayers. I am sick, praying daily that I do not get worse, and that the change I am about to make is, overall, healthy and smart.
Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing in life is truly permanent, not even death. There will always be good things happening to bad people and bad things that happen to really good people. It’s twisted, it is senseless, but it’s unfortunately a part of life. All I can do is take each day as it comes and give it my best. If “my best” means staying in bed and asking for help, then so be it. I’m not here to compete with anyone and I’m certainly not walking around believing I am better than anyone else. I’m human. Take it or leave it, and if you leave, I really don’t care if the door breaks your tailbone on the way out.
I will check any messages sent to me and respond as soon as I can, but for now, I have no real answers. Each day brings different stressors and honestly, all I want is a problem solver. Alas, life does not work like that.
I pray that as this week comes to a close, I am able to solve the most pressing issues quickly. Wish me good luck. XO.
We know where you live Mommy, and it is not beneath us to display our utter cuteness for you to gain food, treats, or head scratches.
I have no idea why Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have become my favorite days of the week, but lately, I just can’t handle week days. Does anyone else feel like this?
I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been in a lot of pain and have required way more sleep than any single person my age should need (Still young, still fabulous. 😛 ). I work and then I look at the time, realizing that I’ve done a lot in short bursts of time, but that now that I’ve gotten work done, it’s time to close my eyes “for a little while”. The next thing I know, the day is over. I wake up from that brief little “nap”, check the time, and my cat and kitten are wrapped around each other. Apparently some kind of love fest goes on when I’m down for the count. I almost always have to be in bed and half asleep or completely out of it before they go into “love mode”.
Passive, sweet cat. Troublesome, but incredibly loving kitten. (You can see their photos on my About page.) They’re good for each other and they’re good for me, because without them, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. There are many mornings when they’re both pacing around me, marking my face with theirs (kitten does this), to encourage me to go downstairs and give them breakfast. If that doesn’t work, they start bringing toys into the bed. I have no idea where either of them are, but I know that if the food is not delivered in a timely fashion, they will try to curry my favor with gifts. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve both placed gifts in my bathtub as a reminder, as if I’ve ever forgotten to feed them.
I’m VERY lucky, they’re relatively well-behaved and sweet. They’ve got attitude, but mostly, they know that they are loved and safe. When I’m in a terrible amount of pain, one or both of them will get into bed as soon as I’m comfortable and either lay by my feet or by my head, and they do not move until they see me calm down and fall asleep, and even then, I still wake up with them close by. There is a sweetness to that which makes me emotional at times. My cat is a lot less openly loving than my kitten, but I have a bond with both of them and I see how they call for me and come to visit me when I’m working. Basically, I get treated like one of them. Perhaps this is why they often place toys under my butt and then try to bite me awake. Sassy’s been doing this since she was a baby, and at 19 months, it wasn’t that long ago that she was the ruler of the roost and tiny, aggressively shoving me awake and demanding food constantly. Now that there are two little beasts, I have them on a schedule. She’s no longer interested in most games (my little one wants to play, but also self-entertains), but is happy to bite my feet or grab my ankle for a nip if she’s feel froggy.
Now that Miss Sass has a constant playmate, she’s no longer ripping me to shreds and biting me. Her breed isn’t known for a lot of verbal communication, so she spent ten months aggressively hurting me several times a day until I found her the perfect little companion. It was NOT love at first sight. It took about a week or so, and they slowly became obsessed with each other. Mini is also incredibly obsessed with me, but she’s still a baby.
What else is going on? Oh, yes! Because I’m a total hypocrite (And honest enough to admit it.), I am back on Facebook. My original account is still up in the air. Facebook and I have exchanged countless e-mails, and nothing has been worked out, so I waited a while and established a new account. I intentionally linked it to my cell phone which somehow authenticates that I am indeed a “real person” and not the countless things I was accused of in all of their e-mails back in January. If you want to pal around with me, let me know and I will send you my new hypocritical info.
Speaking of which, Facebook has changed quite a bit since I was gone. I am pretty sure someone peed in everyone’s coffee this morning because for every 30 people who liked something I said, I had one person go ballistic. To avoid future problems, I’m keeping a low profile. However, when subjects are open for discussion and you don’t know a person, I think it’s crucial not to call them “OCD” or “rude”, especially since you’re clearly not understanding the context. I was called both this morning by two absolute idiots. Mind you, gutless wonders like to hide behind their computers and spew horse shit.
My first thought was “Go fuck yourself!”, but I decided not to lower myself to their levels. Second, throwing obsessive compulsive disorder around as some sort of joke or insult is incredibly rude, and when one is not a healthcare professional, one has no right to say that to someone they do not know and have never met. That actually IS rude. Disagreeing with someone isn’t rude, we’re all entitled to do so.
I’m a supportive writer. I’m going to be honest, polite, and concise because that’s how I am. I’ve NEVER been rude on Facebook or any form of social media that I am aware of. If anyone has ever read my work and deemed me rude, then that was YOUR perception and not the facts. I’m not Ms. Sweetness & Light, I do not throw rainbows at you, nor do I shoot sugared unicorns when one deserves venom.
There is a fine line between sharing thoughts and being a bitch. I don’t bring out the bitch side unless it is warranted and I don’t do it on Facebook because I have a professional reputation to uphold. If I wouldn’t say something to your face, then I certainly wouldn’t say it behind your back or in a public forum. That’s not how I operate.
People like to throw my astrological sign into play in their “defense” quite a bit, but the truth is, I’m a pretty controlled Scorpio female. I might not always have been, but I learned a long time ago to get the negative aspects under control or they would control me. Lesson learned, and once broken of those habits, I did not return to them.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That’s a load of shit. Words can hurt, they do hurt, and people throw them out there like it’s no big deal. I’m known for my “say anything” policy, but there ARE things I absolutely won’t say because I have morals, dignity, manners, self-respect, and boundaries. Some things are so below the belt that you simply don’t go there. You can think them, but then you must let them go because that kind of negativity breeds more negativity, and it’s unhealthy.
More and more, people are offended by anything and everything, but they care little for who THEY might offend. They have no manners or coping mechanisms for difference of opinion or basic relationship skills. Junior high school drama wasn’t cute in junior high school, and I won’t tolerate it as an adult. By all means, disagree with me. That’s fine. If you don’t know the context in which I mean something, don’t assume, ask. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Overall, I’m glad to have the account for my cousins and the few real friends I have, and for specific things that I’ve discussed here many times, but outside of that, I realize that I don’t miss it and that it’s a terrible waste of time. Who knew I’d grow to love Twitter?! By the way, thank you Lillian for suggesting it, and for clearly being a friend to me when others are full of crap (Link to her blog is attached to her name.). You go away for less than two months and you actually find out who your REAL friends & family are, both on and off social media. How utterly pathetic. True colors are shining bright and a lot of people are chicken-shit yellow. C’est la vie.
Also, there is a brand new blog, started by one of my best friends, that I am going to be interviewed for. I will make sure the link goes up ASAP.
And on that note, I hope you all have a lovely weekend. If you’re an NCAA fan, I hope you’re cheering for my team tonight in the Sweet 16. 🙂 GO DUKE!
This is one of the most fabulous things I’ve read in a while. As a writer, I come across a lot of negativity for my successes. There’s so much jealousy, and yet none of it comes from me. I do not see other people as competition. Support people if you want to be supported in kind. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
I am currently in one of those moods that is hard to define. Lack of sleep and a full body flare-up haven’t helped matters much. You either allow yourself to feel all of the pain, or you mentally allow yourself to be dulled. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. I’m simply saying that after a period of time, you shut your mind off because all of the pain is too much.
Not being able to sit for very long, walk the way I used to, or turn my head and neck properly, was something I focused on for a very long time. All I could think about was what Fibromyalgia was taking away from me. Being able to fully take care of myself being high on the list. Other things start becoming afterthoughts because without dulling the mind, the intensity of everything I think and the pain I feel comes rushing back. No one deserves to live like that and call it a “life”.
By all accounts, my life would be considered full to the eyes of many. I know differently. I know that just getting out of bed is a struggle, especially if I haven’t gotten any real rest. Nights spent tossing and turning are equally as exhausting as the pain itself.
There are days when I truly need a nap. Sometimes I fight it, other times I give in. Sometimes a 2-4 hour nap is the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. It upsets me that I cannot make definitive plans because of the pain. When I do make definitive plans, I do my level best not to back out at the last-minute, unless it is something that is truly easy to re-schedule. People, it turns out, aren’t very understanding. Over time, you lose people in your life, but you hold on to those that are quality. A real friend doesn’t turn their back on you, period.
I think it’s important to support others through any form of Chronic Pain and Fibromyalgia. I don’t think it’s acceptable to walk away from someone who is really suffering or turn your back on someone without just cause. Essentially, many people want things they are not willing to give in kind. Hard times help you to see other people’s true colors.
I’m the same person I always was: Inappropriate, funny, honest, direct, loyal, and real. Pain has not minimized my personality or the lengths I will go to for others. It has slowed me down, yes. It has made me focus on other things at times, but it has not changed the core of who I am.
Love, loyalty, and friendship mean different things to different people. I know what it means to me, and I honor that. I will not stand for those that cannot honor any aspect of it. Apologize when you are wrong, fuck off if you’re not genuine, and basically, don’t waste my time; it’s valuable. Pain might limit certain things, but it’s not a lobotomy.
There are a lot of false people in this world. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by them. See people clearly, for exactly what they are. Stop looking for the good in people (Despite what some people believe, there is NOT good in “everyone”.) and start looking at what’s right in front of you. Trust is not something to be given away freely, it is something to be earned.
What a horrific week. I am not sorry to move into the weekend, not even with 4-7 inches of snow currently predicted between tonight and tomorrow. There hasn’t been much snow to speak of this winter. Yes, for that I should be grateful, and I am, but I do like a few inches on the ground to sort of make a weekend feel cozy at times. It’s nice to settle in front of a movie or hunker down with a book and a gigantic mug of tea.
I have absolutely no plans for this weekend. Serious rest & relaxation are probably the only things I truly need now.
I am working on a manuscript for a client and I am doing it completely gratis. Yes, I do have my rules about this sort of thing, I’ve spoken about this many times, but there was something about this person that tugged at my heart, and I 100% offered to do it in my spare time. There’s a difference between someone expecting it for nothing or next to nothing, and an entirely different thing when you are offering to help someone.
Everyone deserves to have a great editor work with them, even if they cannot afford to pay for that person’s services. Good deeds are good for the soul, and they’re unselfish. I had some wonderfully supportive educators very early on in my writing career. By helping someone out, I feel as though I am honoring everything they instilled in me. A mitzvah is a mitzvah, I will not be asking for credit as her editor. It feels good to help someone bring their story to life and to others. If I can empower a woman by assisting and/or advising, I will. I might come off a certain way at times, but at the core of who I am, I’m a good person. No one has to tell me that, I see it in the things I willingly do for others without thinking about it.
To everyone that sent me messages of support yesterday and this morning, or simply checked in on me: THANK YOU (You all know who you are. You guys ROCK!). I really appreciate you all having my back like that. I am considering an alternative, that way you all still get a social media page for this platform. If anyone has any legitimate suggestions, could you please pass them along via the comments section? That would be most appreciated. 🙂 I’ve thought about Google+, but quite frankly it confuses me. However, out with the old, in with the new. When I logged in this morning, Google greeted me like a person. There’s a lot to be said for that.
Okay my lovelies, I am off to check on my girls and, because I’m so sleep deprived, catch some rest. Here’s hoping today is a better day than all the other days that came before.
It feels like a horrible Monday, the way my brain is fogged up and refusing to fire on all cylinders. No, I haven’t been drinking, but apparently having a holiday in the middle of the week has screwed me up, BIG TIME.
I did manage to get a lot of work done this morning. Considering I have a migraine that is coming and going, that’s astounding. I did have to remind myself not to edit this person’s work (When I edit, it’s probably because it’s necessary, but also because I am a fixer of words.), merely to critique it and give an honest opinion. That is going to prove VERY hard. I sat here for over an hour with my jaw damn near on the floor while I read.
I am professional. I adhere to very specific guidelines, but I am truly astounded by the idiocy submitted to me at times. It’s easy to miss a word here and there, to lose track of little things, but it’s another thing entirely to write for the sake of writing. It’s like listening to a person talk, except you’ve tuned them out after the first 100 words and now you’re staring at them in utter amazement that they haven’t noticed that you’re just not listening. When I space out, I often feel disconnected. For me, it’s not entirely dissimilar to an out-of-body experience. However, when I’m reading something that feels like someone is rambling for the sake of rambling, I stare at the screen and think “Did someone REALLY write this or is there a hidden camera here somewhere?” I’ve contemplated looking.
For today, I think the best thing to do is focus on my health. I’ve already done some work, far more than I originally intended to do, so tomorrow is another day, or later perhaps, if I feel like being masochistic.
I’m in excruciating pain from this migraine and the rest of me from the neck down to mid-thigh doesn’t feel so hot either. I’m disturbed that today is Friday, but will take the weekend to really rest (and work). Next week has its own battles, none of which I am looking forward to. However, my faith is strong and I believe everything will work itself out. Not because I’m being unrealistic, but because I have a very good sense of self and most of what I am attached to. Sometimes I think we’re trapped in the middle of someone else’s major life lesson, and while it doesn’t always feel good while we’re in it, it’s important to remember who you are and exactly what you are capable of.
I know many people teach their children that they can “be anything they want to be”. It wasn’t much different for me, however my mother never would have encouraged or supported anything short of talent. If I wasn’t good at something, she would say “Don’t quit your day job.” Not to be mean, but because she was a firm believer in my talents and did not believe in sugar-coating anything regarding her children.
I’ve heavily doubted and questioned a lot of my talent over the last year or so. Maybe I’ve had those issues deep inside my own head without even realizing it for far longer than I know. I’ve made myself sick from the doubt and unending questions in my mind. It’s a bit like being brainwashed, except you’ve done it with one negative moment where you allowed yourself not to fully be you. The second you allow a sliver of doubt in, it takes over.
I adamantly refuse to allow anything or anyone to tell me who I am. I refuse to be defined by other people’s beliefs or opinions. Ultimately I can refuse these things because I know who and what I am. At the beginning and end of each day, I am a fighter. There is great power in that, I just have to remember to allow the fog to clear.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 