My Goal This Weekend

2015-01-102015-01-10 Miss Poison Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Goals, Honesty, Humor, Images/Photos/Quotes, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Blood, Bone Marrow, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Humor, I Hate Being Sick, Images/Photos/Quotes, Life, Poison In Lethal Doses, Registry Drive, Save A Life, Work, Writing

In all seriousness, being sick made this a long, drawn out week. It was only made better by lots of fluids, rest, and soup. I am nothing if not serious about soup. Unfortunately, whatever this virus is, it lulled me into a false sense of security because it’s a sadistic bastard. I was fine for a day or two, and then it came back stronger and took me out. I lost an entire day of work because I desperately needed medicine and rest. I’m taking a less powerful dose of the medicine now, but I am still achy and not feeling like myself, plus the medicine is working on my lungs big time. Quite frankly, I did not know they were so deeply involved. It’s disgusting, really. Moreover, should this be making my kidneys feels like they’re going to run off and leave me? I’m certain the answer is “No.”

“Starve a fever, feed a cold.” is not nonsense, it’s true. My appetite hasn’t once been off. Obviously, I can’t eat certain things at the moment, but everything I can eat is making a difference, or at least that’s what I am being led to believe.

All things taken into consideration, I think I was a rock star this week. Sick as a dog, but under deadline, I completed the big manuscript yesterday afternoon ahead of schedule. Unlike the previously aforementioned ~~asshole~~ client I alluded to days ago, this one was incredibly respectful and immediately gave me professional feedback. I address issues right away, I don’t slip them into something serious nearly two full months after the fact. Yes, it still pisses me off.

I have two additional, albeit smaller, manuscripts to get through by Friday and then another client would like me to take a look at a couple of chapters. Both of them are aware that I am sick and both of them told me “No rush at all, there’s no deadline for this.” In all fairness, that probably only makes me work harder because I take my contracts seriously. I’ll do my best, but I might give myself part of this weekend to stay in bed and (possibly) watch season 3 of Sons of Anarchy. Approximately thirteen hours of Charlie Hunnam… It’s all part of the healing process, folks. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

I’m tired, achy, unpleasant, and seriously contemplating breakfast. How badly do I want it? How much work is truly involved, and do I REALLY want to eat? The truth is, I’m hungry and I do want to eat, but knowing this involves some work on my part means I’m not running to the kitchen just yet.

Also, I am beyond saddened to learn that I will be unable to donate bone marrow because of the Fibromyalgia. I didn’t talk about this when I first found out earlier in the week because I was very upset and found myself in tears. One of my neighbors has been stricken with cancer. My first thought was “I can donate blood and get tested to see if I’m a match to donate bone marrow.” I lost my father to cancer when he was 63. He bravely battled various forms of cancer for 15 years before it took his life. I’ve lost many key family members to cancer, and hearing about this makes me ill to the core. I don’t feel that my neighbors’ children deserve to lose their father so young (I was both young enough, but still adult enough to handle it to the best of my ability without self-destructing.), so I am determined to do whatever I can to help. After days of research, I found out this morning that Fibro patients cannot donate at all. My brother CAN be tested and is more than willing to donate, but since I cannot, and feel like shit for it, the organization has suggested I put together a registry drive in my area to help bring about awareness and possibly save some lives. I will speak with them about this next week. I’m very upset that this is all that I can personally do, but I believe something MUST be done, so I am taking the initiative. If you live in the Northeast Philadelphia area, maybe you can volunteer or come out to the drive and get tested. I will provide a date and time as soon as I know more.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled Saturday. I hope everyone has a good one.

The Pen…

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“The pen is mightier than a sword, a gun, or any weapon that stands before it. At the end of the day, only one can win. Those who choose the pen know.” -Unknown

My pen IS my sword, gun, shield, etc. Screw with me and find out, but do so at your own peril because you live and die by the sword.

How Not To Kill A Client

2015-01-07 Miss Poison Clients, Editing, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Being Real, Clients, Editing, Musings, Pissed Off, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing

How Not To Kill A Client

99% of the time, I love what I do. I’m a writer who doesn’t have to answer to anyone, but on the day-to-day, as an editor, there’s a plethora of crap that gets to me occasionally.

There is a fine line between being professional and being a bitch. Some people are slightly afraid of their editors, others think our jobs are “so easy a toddler can do it”, and others have more respect. I am pretty laid back and I will not mess with quality on the off-chance it’s actually presented to me (It’s becoming a rarity.). I have mastered that line between total pro and bitch. So when I got feedback on a job the other day and didn’t receive my usual 5 star rating all across the board, I had to go and check my interactions with this particular client.

Despite his one line comment (stating that I was efficient and delivered way ahead of schedule) and ranking, I know I was the epitome of skilled and professional. I looked at our conversations and all I can say is that he had very little to say, but asked me to be 100% honest and extensively edit, no holds barred. His first reaction upon receiving the completed manuscript was “It looks GREAT!” Furthermore, I asked him twice if he needed me to go back in and do anything more, even after I’d been paid. Technically, that is far more than anyone else would be willing to do. I know this because I always go above and beyond where others will demand more money to do so. As my “reward”, he gives me a low score on professionalism and quality. (In all fairness, he ranked those two sections at 4 stars instead of 5, but I KNOW I earned 5 stars.) WHAT.THE.FUCK?! Again, I had to double-check to see if I’d done or said something that could have been taken the wrong way. I went through our discussions and the body of work submitted back to him. Not a thing. I was thorough, honest, and highly complimentary of his work because it really is very interesting and well done.

I won’t lie; when I saw the feedback, I was PISSED. It doesn’t take much to piss me off these days, but I was violently livid, and rightly so. However, I know better than to confront someone about this. Instead, I decided that to show my professionalism was the BEST revenge. I turned around and left him stellar feedback as a client. I meant every word, but I wanted him to see I’m not some unprofessional lowlife. For anyone who has ever worked with me to say that speaks for them, but it says absolutely nothing about me, especially if I’ve only worked for you for a few weeks.

Truth be told, I’d rather a client say absolutely NOTHING than leave feedback that is less than stellar. If you have an issue, it’s perfectly fine to come to me directly and ask me to fix something, or go over the work again. Go directly to the source. Ultimately, this is my livelihood, not eBay. This is not amateur hour. My mother and Grandmother both taught me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. I do utilize that tactic most of the time, but if you piss me off, all bets are off.

Mind you, I do not name names. Not ever. A client could be on the New York Times Best Sellers List and I will NEVER talk about that or mention them by name because it is not my place to do so. Even if I don’t sign an NDA with a client, I still don’t discuss their work or give away their ideas. I have integrity, even when they drive me to the point where I’ve contemplated melon-balling my eyes out, or worse.

He’ll never read this, but he CAN bite me over that feedback. Moreover, while he was being an asshole, I am now officially triple-booked. My new client told me I am “seriously over-qualified for pretty much every job”. That comment alone made my day. 🙂

Better To Write…

Image 2015-01-03 Miss Poison Honesty, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Truth, Writing Cyril Connolly, Images/Photos/Quotes, Inspiration, Public, Write For Yourself

This is utterly fabulous.

Brain Fog

2015-01-022015-01-03 Miss Poison Be You, Being Real, Believe In Yourself, Doubt, Musings, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Power, Support, Talent, The Mind, Writing Anais Nin, Brain Fog, Doubt, Fibromyalgia Pain, Life, Migraines, Musings, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

It feels like a horrible Monday, the way my brain is fogged up and refusing to fire on all cylinders. No, I haven’t been drinking, but apparently having a holiday in the middle of the week has screwed me up, BIG TIME.

I did manage to get a lot of work done this morning. Considering I have a migraine that is coming and going, that’s astounding. I did have to remind myself not to edit this person’s work (When I edit, it’s probably because it’s necessary, but also because I am a fixer of words.), merely to critique it and give an honest opinion. That is going to prove VERY hard. I sat here for over an hour with my jaw damn near on the floor while I read.

I am professional. I adhere to very specific guidelines, but I am truly astounded by the idiocy submitted to me at times. It’s easy to miss a word here and there, to lose track of little things, but it’s another thing entirely to write for the sake of writing. It’s like listening to a person talk, except you’ve tuned them out after the first 100 words and now you’re staring at them in utter amazement that they haven’t noticed that you’re just not listening. When I space out, I often feel disconnected. For me, it’s not entirely dissimilar to an out-of-body experience. However, when I’m reading something that feels like someone is rambling for the sake of rambling, I stare at the screen and think “Did someone REALLY write this or is there a hidden camera here somewhere?” I’ve contemplated looking.

For today, I think the best thing to do is focus on my health. I’ve already done some work, far more than I originally intended to do, so tomorrow is another day, or later perhaps, if I feel like being masochistic.

I’m in excruciating pain from this migraine and the rest of me from the neck down to mid-thigh doesn’t feel so hot either. I’m disturbed that today is Friday, but will take the weekend to really rest (and work). Next week has its own battles, none of which I am looking forward to. However, my faith is strong and I believe everything will work itself out. Not because I’m being unrealistic, but because I have a very good sense of self and most of what I am attached to. Sometimes I think we’re trapped in the middle of someone else’s major life lesson, and while it doesn’t always feel good while we’re in it, it’s important to remember who you are and exactly what you are capable of.

I know many people teach their children that they can “be anything they want to be”. It wasn’t much different for me, however my mother never would have encouraged or supported anything short of talent. If I wasn’t good at something, she would say “Don’t quit your day job.” Not to be mean, but because she was a firm believer in my talents and did not believe in sugar-coating anything regarding her children.

I’ve heavily doubted and questioned a lot of my talent over the last year or so. Maybe I’ve had those issues deep inside my own head without even realizing it for far longer than I know. I’ve made myself sick from the doubt and unending questions in my mind. It’s a bit like being brainwashed, except you’ve done it with one negative moment where you allowed yourself not to fully be you. The second you allow a sliver of doubt in, it takes over.

I adamantly refuse to allow anything or anyone to tell me who I am. I refuse to be defined by other people’s beliefs or opinions. Ultimately I can refuse these things because I know who and what I am. At the beginning and end of each day, I am a fighter. There is great power in that, I just have to remember to allow the fog to clear.

Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

2014-12-31 Miss Poison Blessings, Empathy, Fibromyalgia, Friends, Friendship, Generosity, Goals, Growth, Happiness, Honesty, Integrity, Kindness, Life, Love, Loyalty, Musings, People, People Helping People, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Professional, Reflection, Relationships, Spoken Words, Thoughts, Unfiltered, Writing 2015, Family, Friends, Gratitude, Humanity, Images/Photos/Quotes, Kindness, Love, New Year's Eve, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Prayer, Random Acts Of Kindness, Relationships, Respect, The Law Of Three, Writing

Where The Hell Does The Year Go?

Every year I’m semi-amazed I’ve survived and gotten this far: Both in life and in the day-to-day struggle. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I’ve had an incredibly rough two years. The years before that were not perfect, some were horrific in their lack of kindness, many had their battles, but this past year has humbled me in ways I never thought possible. It is very easy to lose sight of what we have in life, basic things we should all have. It’s a little too easy to take those basics for granted, until they’re taken away for long periods of time.

I read so many things where people are going through difficult shit. I choose not to advertise my problems because I do have some semblance of privacy and dignity. I also don’t feel that’s what people come here for. I know I can bitch and be myself, but do I really want to dwell on that crap? No. I want things to get better, I want to be positive, and I want to move forward. By whining, you drown in your own crap. On top of being a disgusting visual, it’s also very negative and I don’t want that, for myself or for anyone else.

I am eternally grateful for being blessed with the ability to project my voice through the written and spoken word. As I watch so many people struggle with something that comes so easy to me, I can’t help but see the differences between art and mere words. I openly admit it leaves me frustrated with a lot of people at times.

The very small group of people that matter in my life: THANK YOU. You all know who you are. I am blessed with people who talk me down from my various ledges, entertain my insanity, listen to me, commiserate with me, support me, and are loyal with kind, caring, generous hearts. I respect and appreciate the lack of drama. I respect and appreciate your love, friendship, humor, and the things so many of you go out of your way to do to make me laugh, smile, and/or cheer me up. The thoughtfulness knows no boundaries. It is amazing to know that there are people who have my back, as opposed to those who would prefer to stab me in it. Please know how appreciated you all are. I have an outrageous amount of love in my heart for all of you.

It gives me an endless amount of professional pleasure and pride to be able to bring you “Poison In Lethal Doses”. Tomorrow marks 20 years of both my experience as an editor and the amount of time I have spent writing “Poison” pieces. It feels like it all just started yesterday. I’ve grown so much as a writer that I know time has passed, yet it feels surreal to me. What I used to do and what I do today are two very different beasts. The evolution is amazing for me to see.

2015 will challenge me in my personal and professional lives. I pray it is not quite as challenging for all of you because I would not wish aspects of my life on anyone, but I do hope it challenges you in positive ways that brings an abundance of happiness into your lives.

Ultimately, my vow is to be here and be present for all of you, and for myself. I vow to finish the unfinished and move forward with things that are of the utmost importance. On a smaller note, I am going to attempt to be 98% caffeine free by February. I would prefer to use it just when I have a migraine, as opposed to using it as a stress crutch.

Big things, little things, good things, bad things. No matter what, let us be grateful for it all and what it teaches us. Life is short. It’s not always easy, and it’s a very lonely place without someone in life to turn to that understands. Tonight, no matter what it is you’re doing or believe in, stop and say a little prayer for everyone that matters to you in life. It’s not about religion or belief systems, it’s about humanity. Once you lose sight of that, it’s all downhill, so I think it’s important to remain in touch with what makes you a human-being. While not the most friendly person on the planet, I still have compassion and empathy for others. I still make an effort. I am always present for those I care about, no excuses. Practice a random act of kindness, you’ll see how good it makes you feel as well, thus serving a dual purpose. That which you send out into the world comes back to you threefold. Make it count.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, and safe New Year!

A Mood

2014-12-30 Miss Poison Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Positive, Work Honesty, It's Okay, Just Breathe, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work

Every once in a while, or possibly more often, you get into a mood. It’s usually because you don’t feel well, haven’t been able to get quality sleep, or because there’s a shit-ton of crap going on in your life and you’ve had enough. For me, it is D) All of the above. It’s not even 7:00 a.m. and I’m in “a MOOD”.

In the midst of “the mood” moving in, I get double-booked for proofreading jobs. They both asked for the exact same delivery date to boot, which makes me feel like a machine and less like a person. I am 25 pages in on the first one, which is pretty good considering I was in bed at 6:00 PM last night due to a migraine. The second one shocked me. I found it late last night well after waking up, making dinner, and watching Major Crimes. I briefly checked my e-mail and the “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” look was on my face when I saw that a second proposal had been accepted, no questions asked.

That’s when I know someone is serious about their work. They don’t play games, they simply give you the job, they fund the job immediately, and that’s it. You get to work. It’s incredibly drama free, but I had to respond to the second client and ask for an additional five days, to make sure they both receive quality work. Two 85,000+ word jobs done at the exact same time means my brain will eventually shut down. However, at the pace I am going, I can do the first one in about 7-10 days, and then turn over to the next one and finish it all within the time frame I have proposed. I don’t want to go back and forth, because it’s way too easy to confuse work in your own head when you’re working on multiple projects. When you’re paying me, you deserve for me to be 100% fair to you and your work. I will find out later today, I suspect, if this is all right or not.

And yet, even with those positive bits, the mood still exists. I suspect being tired, sore, unable to sleep, and feeling an overall sense of blah isn’t exactly helping things along. But you know what? It’s okay. I cannot expect to be a ray of sunshine, nor will I push myself to have an attitude or behavior that isn’t genuine. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay that my plans for this week have suddenly shifted and will now have to be primarily work focused.

It’s okay. Just breathe. This too shall pass. However, if someone tries to triple-book me, I just might lose my shit.

Timing Is Crucial

2014-12-26 Miss Poison Being Real, Honesty, Judgment, Life, Music, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Unfiltered, Wisdom, Writing Honesty, Judgment, Know Thyself, Poison In Lethal Doses, Timing, Writing, Your Voice

Your voice is one of the most important tools you are given in life. Sadly, it is an under-utilized tool that we are born with.

While I do often say that sometimes people take “freedom of speech” way too far, I also believe that far too many believe hold back for fear of what others will think and say.

One of my best friends admonished me for pulling yesterday’s piece, saying that I should not have to edit myself to appease other people’s issues. I agree, but since this is a newer platform, maybe next year would be a better time to bring up the points I would like to make, and by then, there might be additional like-minded people who wouldn’t be hurt by opinions and basic facts. However, while she’s right about me holding back my voice so as not to stir up drama, I also believe there’s a time and a place, for everything. Yesterday wasn’t the right time, but this will always be the place.

I’ve been accused of having “no filter”, and that’s partially true. I will filter myself in public to some extent, and I will filter myself in a room full of people who I don’t know, but I will still adhere to some basic principles. One of which is: Always be yourself. So many people worry what others will think of them, for one thing or another. I don’t. In fact, if you’re reading this and you DO worry about what people think of you, stop right now.

Ask yourself if other people’s opinions truly matter at the beginning and end of each day. I assure you, they do not. Opinions do not make or break you. What matters most is how you feel about yourself. It’s not ego, it’s not cockiness, it’s confidence and grace. Know thyself, and in doing so, be true to yourself. Don’t tell yourself negative things because that’s what others tell you. For one, it’s unhealthy and two, it’s what I call “self-abuse”.

When your inner voice (not your intuition, but your internal dialogue) turns against you and whispers negativity in your head, tell it to fuck off. I’m not kidding, tell it to fuck off. Do not allow yourself to take any of that negativity to heart. If you do, you’ll spend a lifetime with self-doubt and you’ll spend a fortune on therapy that could be better spent elsewhere.

Ultimately, it comes down to judgement. It’s your call. Speak up and speak out, be yourself, and live a more fulfilling life. In the same vein, sometimes you have to know when to let something rest. Just because you file something away for another time doesn’t mean you have failed in any way. It’s important to know when the time is truly right, even if for something as simple as the written word.

Originally…

2014-12-252014-12-25 Miss Poison Being Real, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Spirituality, Writing Being Real, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Originally, I prepared a post for today that, after sleeping on it, I realized could be considered quite offensive for some of my readers. In an effort to be respectful and courteous, I’m going to file it away for my portfolio and not post it.

I’m not a “Lets hurt as many people’s feelings as possible and lets to do it intentionally” kind of person. I’m incredibly direct and blunt. I don’t have much of a filter, and sometimes that can seem “harsh” to some or “angry” to others when what it really is, is me being me and being real. I’m not a fan of dusting life in sugar. That’s not honest.

Religion and the differences between them is a very touchy subject. Not for me, as I am always open to a theological debate, but for me it’s more about spirituality, not so much anything else. It’s about explaining things to people so they aren’t walking around completely ignorant. Alas, I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m going to keep my mouth shut. So yes, it was a holiday related post and I do realize it could have come off hurtful as opposed to honest and humorous. Not everyone understands my humor, and that’s okay.

There are words being used today that you will not see on this page. Ever. That is my choice. I try to be polite and respectful of others, which is precisely why I’m not posting what I originally wrote.

Instead, I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled cooking and reading. I am trying to finish up The Bane Chronicles by Cassandra Clare (Interesting and entertaining, if you’re considering it.) and Sons Of Anarchy: Bratva, which is basically like reading an episode of the show in a book. And, as I said, cooking. If nothing else, I still have to “feed the people”, or at least that’s what I’m told. LOL.

I hope everyone near and far has a great day. Be happy, healthy, and safe.

Grief Is

2014-12-23 Miss Poison Dad, Death, Emotions, Feelings, Grief/Grieving, Honesty, In Memory, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Respect, Survival, The Holiday Season, Writing Being Real, Dad, Grieving, Honesty, Loss, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Grief is like a snowflake? If you want to be poetic about it, okay. If you want to be honest about it, which I am going to be, grief is a demonic fucker that sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

I buried my father seven years ago today. The morning of the funeral I was up until nearly 2:00 a.m. finishing the eulogy. I have no idea how I functioned that day because eight hours later I was heading back home, back to the funeral home where I’ve had to bury almost every key person in my life. I stood up in front of family and friends and brought the house down. The rabbi went up after me, saying “She’s a tough act to follow.” My father’s co-workers came up to me afterward, blown away by what I had written and how I speak in public. A few of them had known him for 40+ years, others nowhere near as long, but they all came, right before Christmas, and paid their respects. I can say a LOT about that because it’s a level of respect that I respect and appreciate. It’s something I will never forget. My father’s own family (all but a few did not live locally), never bothered to show up at the funeral, call, or send so much as a card. I damn near kicked a headstone over this disrespect at the neighboring cemetery where, in four inch heels, I flipped out at my Uncle’s grave and told him he should be ashamed of his family. The tone of voice I was using was enough to probably break bone. If any of them ever need an exact match for tissue or organ donation, I would have to seriously re-think my views on “family” because I don’t tolerate disrespect. There are moments in life when you truly see everyone for who and what they truly are. Sometimes it’s heartening, and other times it makes you murderous.

I’ve been sitting here for the last few hours wondering why I feel so terrible. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I’ve wondered if I was coming down with a cold, and a plethora of other issues. While it is entirely possible that I have a cold in my system, the truth just hit me: I’m upset and when I realized the date, I changed my plans for the day. I don’t want to have a nervous breakdown in public. I will make sure the two places I need to go are open tomorrow and go then, because it’s not an emergency, but it does need to get done before everything shuts down on Christmas Eve, which I totally understand and respect. I think the only thing that will be open Christmas Day is Walmart (Every year I call them to check, expecting a different answer. Every year they tell me “We never close.”) and the movie theater, and probably a Chinese restaurant or two. I’m cooking, so I want fresh ingredients because I am on some insane mission to get through the rest of this year without going ballistic or tearing someone apart. I’m not certain the latter won’t happen. There is a LOT I can accomplish in eight days.

Today, it’s okay to have a mini-meltdown in the privacy of my own home. It’s okay to be upset and angry, and to feel abandoned.

I thought I’d reached the stage of acceptance. Maybe I have, but that doesn’t mean loss is not upsetting to me. When you lose your parents young, the way you view life is very different than it is if you lose your parents at a more appropriate age, like 90. We all live hoping to make it past retirement age, but the truth is, even though many of us say that a specific age is “too old”, we still want to live into the future. Our desire to survive is still present. A family friend once said “I’m never retiring. I’ll still work when I’m 100, so long as I can do so.” He’s a good person, a hard worker, and I pray he makes it to 100 and can see his grand-daughters grow up, maybe even become a great-Grandfather and be able to enjoy that too.

My father never got to see any of those things. I don’t know that he would have truly been interested to do so, but still, it hurts. I do not hurt solely for myself. I hurt for my brother, who really needs a parental figure in his life right now. My father was everything to him. He is not as strong as I am and I spend a lot of time worrying about him because he & I are so different. It’s hard to believe we’re brother and sister, unless it comes down to our sense of humor, passion for things that are important to us, and small things that brand you as “siblings” to others, even if you don’t look alike.

Losing a family member is never easy. Losing one during the holidays is very hard. Having to re-live it year after year is a choice. I tried working through it, but sometimes it creeps up out of nowhere and slaps me across the face. I remember it happening last year too. I did so well on the anniversary of his death, but today, I just have to let myself cry and grieve. Odd as it sounds, tomorrow will come with an entirely different set of emotions.

As the great Billy Crystal has often said “Grieving is a process.”