This Week Is Over

2015-08-14 Miss Poison August, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing August, Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Topamax, Work, Writing

I’ve had yet another rough, stressful week. I am emotionally exhausted. I’m also in pain that no one should have to be in. In an ideal world, I’d be able to curl up this weekend and not have to face anything until next weekend. No, I’m not delusional, I’ve just had enough.

I am sitting here nursing green tea. I don’t feel well. I woke up with a myriad of health issues. I went to bed in pain, needing Aleve to fall asleep in a state of slightly less pain, but since I forgot to take the medicine that protects my stomach from NSAID use, I’m paying for it.

Upon inspection this morning, I found two chemical burns on the back of my neck. I’m not 100% certain of the cause, but I have my suspicions. One stings, the other is seemingly in the healing phase. I hope they’ll look better tomorrow because the last thing I want to do is be seen in public with what looks like brand marks. Note to self: Must find Aquaphor. How do you cover the back of your neck in August when your hair isn’t as long as it used to be and you normally wear it up? #GirlProblems

Due to the crazy influx of migraines over the last few weeks, I began taking Topamax this morning. I’ve been off of it for three years, so I am hoping it will help prevent some of what I am experiencing. If not, I will have at least made an effort and will know that another treatment method must be found. It is better to try than to dismiss something that has worked so well for me in the past. Today is the start of a month on 25 mgs. Here’s hoping it does more than make carbonated drinks taste funny.

Was anyone able to see the meteor shower? I looked for about 30 minutes last night and all I saw were a few constellations. I couldn’t keep looking, so I went to bed. I’m betting all the fun started the second my head hit the pillow. I’ve only seen a few photos from earlier in the week.

I hope I will be able to concentrate on the shit I need to do over the next few days. I want to get as much work done as humanly possible. I haven’t been able to focus on a large page count with any regularity, but I am certainly trying. All one can do is their best. If that’s not good enough for someone, tough shit.

Summer is nearly over, and soon it will be Fall in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s my favorite time of year. The nights are already getting a bit cooler, but there’s something about the crispness of October air that rejuvenates my spirit.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

As Real As It Gets

2015-08-122015-08-12 Miss Poison August, Being Real, Depression, Emotional Pain, Emotions, Empathy, God/Goddess, Grief/Grieving, Honesty, Inner Voice, Intuition, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Rebirth, Reflection, Stages Of Grief, Strength, Writing Agony, Depression, Honesty, Misery, Pain, Personal Reflection, Pieces Of Me, Rebirth, Struggles, Suicide, Writing

WARNING: Potential Triggers

I’m a ridiculously intuitive person, which has the tendency of scaring people if they aren’t used to it. I live my life paying attention to the same things most people ignore. However, it is virtually impossible to ignore your body and mind when they’re screaming at you. No matter what bad thing it is that you may be going through, it is sometimes important to take a step back, allow yourself to feel what you feel, without apologies, and regroup tomorrow.

For the majority of my life, my purpose wasn’t clear. I don’t know if I ever considered the purpose for my existence. I had so many responsibilities, and I openly admit that I took them on myself. When most people would have been taking care of themselves for their “most selfish years”, I was taking care of two sick parents. I was dealing with burying friends and loved ones, and so it took until maybe this last year for me to say “Enough!” and begin focusing on myself. I now know that it’s not selfish to be focusing on myself at this point in my life, it’s survival.

I’ve been through some awful things, a lot of which I try not to focus on. There’s a saying about not looking back or you’ll only manage to hurt your neck. In many respects, that is true. I gain nothing from reflecting on pain, but I do gain something for having survived all of it. I know that I can get through the horrible, never-ending cycle of suffering, I know I can come out the other end a far better person than I was today, but it’s not a choice one ever wants to make. It’s “kill or be killed”, so you have to regroup and “kill”, even if only metaphorically.

In times like this, a lot of people turn to religion. I am not hardcore religious, but I am spiritual. I pray several times a day for the peace and the concept that someone Higher is listening to me. That someone Higher cares. Through trial and error, I have found that most people care about themselves, and they have no room in their mind or heart for anything or anyone else. I’ll never understand it. The average person cares about five people, or less. Are we such a selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered society that we take no time at all to care about the person next to us? I often hear myself say that if a situation does not directly affect me and/or those I love/care about, then I cannot put forth the emotion to worry about it. The point though is that I actually love and care about other people. I’ve spent a long time placing others before me, and I still do it at times, but ultimately I don’t have my head up my ass. I find it easy to be emotionally present for others, and a lot less easy to be emotionally present for myself.

I’m sick of my internal dialogue because it’s so abusive. It’s something I call “self-abuse”. You’re cutting yourself apart as if you were actually cutting, but there’s no blood, the wound is entirely internal and it grows daily. You wouldn’t even feel it if someone dipped you into the Dead Sea, because you’re already a walking wound of agony.

I can point out positive things in other people, but when it comes to doing the same for myself I usually say “I’m loyal.” and when asked how I’m feeling I often say “I exist.” I will never lie and say “I’m fine.”, because then I’d be lying to myself. I’m not fine. I’ve never been less “fine”, but because I’ve been through so many “not fine”, “not okay” times, I would rather not pick at the scabs, so to speak. How much negativity does one need to focus on before they become batshit crazy and hurt someone, or themselves?

I will never lie about often feeling suicidal. Never. I will never pretend that darkness doesn’t coat aspects of my life so thickly that it’s hard to see the light. I will never say it is a topic that is “off-limits” or “taboo” because the fact of the matter is, not everyone acts on their thoughts, but those that do aren’t weak. It takes an immense amount of strength to say “I’ve had enough pain.”

Many people advocate for “assisted suicide” for terminally ill patients, but what do we advocate for when a person cannot be healed in any way, shape, or form, through no fault of their own? Do we pretend the issue doesn’t exist and go off into our own selfish bubble? Do we say “That’s not my problem?” Do we walk away? Do we ignore it?

So many people have been unable to see the signs in a loved one and have later been devastated that they chose to end their own life. Instead of thinking about how much pain THEY had to be in to go there, to reach that point, all I ever hear is “How could s/he do this to me?”, “How could they leave me behind?”, “Why didn’t s/he tell me?” Bringer of honesty: It’s NOT about you.

It amazes me how people don’t look closely at situations or loved ones. It blows my mind how people choose to see the surface, and nothing more. It behooves me how few people ever say “I’m here for you, no matter what. And I will NOT judge.” Once a person commits suicide, people can lie ’til the cows come home, but they are absolutely judging. If you’re unaffected by the deeply personal pain of others, you aren’t human.

It is important to check in with those we love. It is important, and crucial, to look deeper. There will still be times when you will not see what a person chooses not to show, but there will also be times when a hug, a hand to hold, a kind word, a moment of inspiration, a thoughtful phone call, or card will pull a person back and show them that they mean something, that their life has value and purpose.

This will be painful for some people to read because they choose to avoid brutal truth. This may be painful for suicide survivors who are still left asking themselves “Why?” As a person who thinks about it deeply, I have very few reasons for not acting on my feelings. Those reasons become less important each day.

I am touched by the people who genuinely reach out to me in love or friendship. I am touched by the people whose actions say “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.” But those moments, and people, are few and far between.

One day I may not be able to rely solely on my self-talk to pull me back. And the excuses you might very well hear in the wake of that will be: “I work 60+ hours a week, I have no time to talk.”, “I never returned her phone call. I feel TERRIBLE.”, “I didn’t answer her text message.”, “I stopped speaking to her because she was too honest.”, “She was so young, smart, creative, and beautiful…I don’t understand. She had her whole life ahead of her.”

No one will say “She was in so much pain, she couldn’t take it anymore and I understand.” No one. And that is truly fucking sad.

Pain In The Neck

2015-08-102015-08-10 Miss Poison Editing, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibro Flares, Musings, Neck Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Good morning. Buenos dias. Buongiorno. Guten Morgen.

I’ve been up since 4:50 (I know this because I checked, hoping it was later.) and the only thing I can say is “UGH”! I’m in so much pain, it’s wrong. I slept in a delusional fit early last night, and again for a few hours early this morning. I am trying not to let the pain get to me, otherwise it will result in yet another migraine from the stress it is placing on my body. I do NOT need that. I do, however, need to be adopted. Any takers?

I suspect I am in so much neck pain partly due to my marathon laundry session yesterday. Did it all need to be done immediately? No, but I was trying to make the most out of a Sunday after suffering on Saturday through migraine hell. My efforts resulted in two phone calls: One to my mattress manufacturer, the second to the store where I bought said mattress.

Upon removing the mattress protector to throw it in the wash, a protector which has remained on the mattress at all times (I have more than one, obviously) since I purchased it, I discovered a hole in the top of the actual mattress. It was not there two weeks ago, or even a month ago. My immediate reaction was “What the fuck is THAT?!” At first I thought it was merely a surface tear, which wouldn’t have been an epic deal, but no, it’s a one inch by one inch hole. If you stick your thumb into it, you will hit a spring pretty quickly. The second you do and realize what a piece of crap a nearly $2000 mattress is on the inside, you feel a plethora of things. Mostly I was glad I got it on sale with my bedroom furniture because in that initial moment, I wanted to throw it at someone.

The mattress manufacturer said I should try to work with the store first since I didn’t buy it directly from them, but that if they don’t make it right I should call their warranty department and see what they are able to do for me. Yeah, I bet. 😦

I will say this: The store called me back pretty quickly. On a Sunday. Damn near unheard of. After a nice conversation with one of their “furniture specialists”, I took some photos for him and e-mailed them off yesterday afternoon. I am sure they will want to send someone out to personally inspect it before deciding if they’re going to honor the “lifetime warranty” and replace it. If it weren’t for the spring and the fact that it is a hole that will only get worse with time, I’d let it slide. The fact that they guaranteed the mattress when I bought it means they should stand behind what they sell. I hope they make good on their promise because if they don’t, you can expect to hear the store name and the names of all of the employees assisting me blasted from here to kingdom come. Chica takes notes! If the manufacturer screws with me, they’ll definitely be hearing from me via social media and every other means of communication.

I was told by two employees that it sounds like the mattress might be a “production lemon”, but that they do need to determine if the damage is their responsibility or not. I may be a major badass, but I assure you: I have never harmed a mattress in my life. Besides, you’d have to take the protector off to do that kind of damage and the protector is 100% in tact. You do the math. I loved being asked if I “had a dog”, because we all know a dog that puts such a precise, spring sized hole in a mattress, right? OY!

I was able to do some editing yesterday and talk with my client, albeit briefly. I worked on 80 pages and I am still coming across so many issues. I don’t want to prolong the process, but I don’t want to submit work back that is going to require another year of additional edits after the revisions and rewrites are done. Since this client has always self-published, she is not used to the editing process, knows nothing about it, and probably doesn’t realize how time-consuming it can be. The more work I do, the more problems I find.

“I’ve got 99 problems and this manuscript is one!”

If you find continuity issues in chapter 22 and they exist through to the end of the manuscript, it requires you to go back to the beginning and correct things from page one all the way back to the current chapter, solely because continuity errors are a bigger issue as you continue to work. You will quickly lose your patience as you find these little gifts. I don’t know how most people write, but I check my work thoroughly and would never submit a first draft to ANYONE to edit. I fixed my first draft within the first few months of writing book one, so yes, I lose my patience with people who don’t read and proof their work before submitting it to me.

When you’ve got dates in a manuscript, make sure you look at the calendar for that year and get your facts straight. If you reference a full moon on a date when there was no full moon, you don’t look like a creative writer, you look like a moron. Perhaps I’m the only person that notices such things (probably not), but you MUST have your facts straight, be it fiction or non-fiction. You can’t play around with certain things. The majority of your readers won’t notice little things, but the percentage that does notice will tell you, and no one wants to be embarrassed by continuity issues, or other things that make me grind my teeth from the stress of having to work on something so distracting as a professional. I’m developing a twitch in my eye from dealing with this.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled insanity. Me? I need a nap. Apparently writing about this made the pain worse. No, I’m not surprised.

How Did Your Day Go Yesterday?

2015-08-08 Miss Poison Life, Migraines, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Agony, Chores, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Lost Weekends, Migraines, Self-Care

FYI: My hair isn't a mess, but I am in my PJ's. — FYI: My hair isn’t a mess, but I am in my PJ’s.

The best laid plans. 😦

I was in so much pain yesterday that I decided a “quick nap” was in order around 1:00 PM. We will not discuss that I slept way too long. In turn, I didn’t get any editing done. I fed cat and kitten because they were both staring at me pathetically, doing tricks, and bringing me toys as if they were forgotten street urchins. Meows and chirps were also involved. Mind you, they had full bowls of dry food, they simply like the can opening routine. After that I made sure my laundry was dry (Towels and bath sheets are screwing with me lately when they are normally dry in 40 minutes. It now takes an additional 10-20 minutes for them to be thoroughly dry. Perhaps I need to put them on a second spin cycle before drying from now on?), and then a migraine took me down, thus resulting in me retreating to bed at 9:04 PM. That was migraine #11. This morning, migraine #12 decided to pay me a visit. FML.

I am sitting here contemplating how bad the headache is (Can I clean my microwave and fridge without puking? Can I strip my bed and wash all of the linens without falling down the stairs from the newfound vertigo? Should I wait before I shower so I don’t hit my head and pass out?) because I still have things that need to get done. Essentially, these are all things that can wait until this passes (Please God, let it pass. I have exactly one Excedrin Tension Headache left and it is sold out in four different stores, including the generic version. WTH?!), but I really don’t want to “take a nap” and pray that I’ll be okay later on because migraines are fickle bastards and I am not in control of how long they stick around. 😦 I also wanted to do something fun because learning new things is a positive thing, but I don’t know if I can stomach that at the moment. When I’m in pain, i don’t have a lot of patience for minutia. When I’m not in pain I don’t have a lot of patience, so it is what it is.

I remember a time when Saturday was an enjoyable time to sleep in, do something fun in the afternoon, and leisurely enjoy the weekend to the fullest. Apparently that’s in the past for now, but I long for the days when the pain is gone and I can live my life without scheduling every last detail around migraines or Fibromyalgia.

Here’s hoping & praying there are cures in sight, or at the very least, reliable forms of treatment.

Friday, How I’ve Missed You

2015-08-072015-08-07 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Back Pain, Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Spine Pain, Weekends, Writing

I don't feel or think all of these things, but I know many people who do. — I don’t feel or think all of these things, but I know many people who do.

I have come to cherish my weekends like a newborn baby. The arrival of Friday makes me feel less guilty about self-care. This week in particular, I need it.

Early yesterday evening, I had a coughing fit come out of nowhere. In the midst of said coughing fit, I felt something in my upper spine pop. The sound resounded through the room. My immediate thought was “This is NOT good.” Already in a pretty harsh Fibro flare, I did NOT want or need to add to the pain I was already in. My brain kept saying “I can’t believe you hurt yourself coughing! Why can’t you have a more interesting way of causing your body excruciating pain?!” 😦 Don’t worry, I shut that fucker up.

Less than an hour or so later, I was in bed. On top of being exhausted, I could already feel that this sudden pop was going to make things worse for me for a few days. As I sit here writing this, the pain has escalated immensely between 6:45 last night and now. Moving my neck too much is completely out of the question. I’m contemplating Icy Hot. I already took over-the-counter pain medication, whatever good that will do, but I’d rather attempt to treat it as opposed to doing nothing at all. I know it’s going to be achy and sore for a few days. I just need to allow myself proper rest so that it doesn’t get worse.

I had planned on getting some editing done today. I have decided to limit it to a chapter once my neck loosens up and isn’t screaming in agony. Hell, I’ll do two chapters if I feel okay, but no more than that because I don’t want all that sitting and neck movement to aggravate this and make it worse than it already is, and it’s pretty fucking bad. If I feel better tomorrow, I can do another 2-3 chapters and so on. Hopefully that means I will finally rid myself of this ~~nightmare~~ manuscript, for good. It’s a first edit of a fourth draft. I suspect it will need 2-3 additional rounds of editing, but if I am asked to do additional work on it, I absolutely MUST price it better because it’s tormented me from day one and explaining that to my client in a nice way is -cough- difficult because this client isn’t a very good listener.

If you’ve never been edited before and you’re worried about how long it takes, not understanding the editing process and how thorough I am, then think about how long it took you to write it. If you tell me “I wrote this in three months.”, I already know it’s going to be full of issues. This manuscript is full of issues, and it is also one of the reasons that I want to focus on my work, which probably does have some issues in it, but if nothing else, it is predominantly clean and flows beautifully. I know this because I’ve been writing it for five years. I also know it flows beautifully because the last time I read it, I was so caught up in the story, I forgot that I was the writer. Color me impressed. 🙂

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, but I did sleep. I was unable to take the 9:00 a.m. nap I thought about yesterday morning, mostly because I was in a lot of pain, have a lot on my mind, and couldn’t get comfortable. On the plus side, I did fall asleep pretty quickly last night and I slept soundly for nearly three hours before I heard my phone buzzing. If I don’t leave it on vibrate, any ringtone will make me come right out of my skin or it will make me yell at whomever is calling. After listening to the other person for damn near 30 minutes, I practically growled and hung up. It’s not wise to talk to me after a certain time when I’m A) Still in sleep mode and B) Hungry. It’s like trying to negotiate a ceasefire with a dragon. I’m not exaggerating, I’m aware when I am unpleasant.

Do you have anything special planned this weekend? Do you feel guilty when you have to prioritize your health over the demands of others? Let me know in the comments.

Have a safe, pain-free, pleasant weekend. If it can’t be all three, aim for one positive thing.

Pain Levels

2015-08-06 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Agony, Allergies, Chronic Pain, Fibro Flares, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

I’m sitting here, minding my own business, and my pain levels shot from a 4 to a solid 15 in just a few minutes. Has this happened to anyone else out of nowhere?

Not being in complete control of your own body is HELL. I cannot see past the blinding pain that starts in my neck and spreads down the body, right into my toes. It’s terrifying and nauseating. The strongest thing I have to “fight” this is two Aleve. Yeah, I know. I might as well just call in dead.

No one should have to live like this, except maybe Hitler, members of the Taliban, religious extremists, and terrorists. Give me a few hours, I can probably think of other people to add to the list.

I am off to procure Benadryl cream for the “itch that refuses to stop”. It’s only my eye… It’s not like I need it or anything. <rolls eyes>

Is a 9:00 a.m. nap completely pathetic? I am sending someone an e-mail to wake me at a reasonable hour. This shit has GOT to stop!

Pissed Off, Pained, & Frustrated,

Sleep, Pain, & Stress

2015-08-062015-08-06 Miss Poison Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Allergies, Fibromyalgia, Insomnia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Pain, Sleep, Stress, Trauma, Writing

Sleep doesn’t come easily for me these days. In fact, I often wonder how long I can function without sleep. Seemingly I can only sleep when I’m sick, upset, or exhausted beyond words. No one likes wasting time staring at the ceiling. Tossing and turning for hours is overrated and I’m not going to do it.

Over the weekend, in the midst of two straight days of research, I kept waking up to write additional notes. I already had about 40 pages of thorough, detailed notes. Apparently I am an overachieving planner. If I had a question, I immediately consulted my phone for the info so I could jot it down. If I had a new thought or idea, I got out of bed and consulted the appropriate chapter in the notebook I am using. It was in those brief moments where I realized that it wasn’t just lack of sleep, but OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) rearing its ugly head.

I’m not one to joke about things of that nature, but I am quick enough to see the signs within myself. It’s not textbook, it’s obsessively writing notes and planning, and there are other things I’ve been doing lately that are simply not me, but are happening just the same. If you’ve experienced repetitive forms of trauma in your life, especially when they haven’t been treated properly, or at all, other things can start surfacing.

OCD in varying degrees runs in my family. I used to think my Grandmother was nuts, always checking the stove to make sure the gas was off, even if she hadn’t used it, and making sure that every window was locked before leaving the house, even if she hadn’t opened them. It drove me insane, but now I see I have things I do before I leave the house that are similar. I don’t check my stove or windows religiously, but do I lock the door a certain way? Yes. Are there other things I do each day that come across as OCD in nature? Yes. I’ve never seen them as anything other than faith, cleaning, or “it’s better to be safe than sorry”, but now I am starting to see it for what it truly is There is no doubt in mind.

I have a ‘before bed’ routine that I’ve always considered ‘good skin care’ and/or ‘good hygiene’ as opposed to ‘ritual’. Most people simply go to bed. I spend at least 30-120 minutes “getting ready for bed”.

Last night I decided no computer, no e-mail, no reading, no checking my phone. Absolutely NO wasting time. I did one part of the ‘before bed’ routine, recycled a bottle of mouthwash, and got into bed. No muss, no fuss. I fell asleep once it was quiet and my brain was able to shut the hell up. Unfortunately, I went to bed a little too early, because here I sit, and it’s not even 5:15 a.m EDT. No sane person wants to get up at 4:00 in the morning unless they have to be somewhere. I thought it was later than it was, but it’s not. In my attempt to get a healthy amount of “normal” sleep, I ended up confusing my body, myself, and cat and kitten, who both think it’s breakfast time because that’s what I do when I wake up in the morning; I prioritize their immediate needs. The birds are chirping, so other living beings are awake, but all I can do is sit here in a panicked state.

I woke up from a nightmare and it’s stressing me out. After checking the time, refilling water bowls, checking the thermostat (It’s unbelievably hot in here, but the thermostat says 64 degrees. Yeah, I’m not buying it either!) and making sure that dry food in readily available to my little ladies, I returned to my room and turned my computer on for the first time in well over 15 hours.

In my attempt to decompress and de-stress, I am trying to be on the computer during daylight hours only. By 7:00 PM, the only way I’m going to check e-mail is via my tablet. Nothing is SO important that it cannot wait. The app for my phone that allows me to check e-mail is also turned off, so even if I wanted to check or sneak a peek at incoming messages, I’m intentionally not allowing myself to read them. I started implementing this a few days ago to see if I could disengage. I know it will eventually allow me to sleep better at night.

Pain, the constant ‘companion’ that is Fibromyalgia has been both restless and lurking beneath the surface, flaring up at inconvenient moments that cause me to get into bed for no apparent reason in the middle of the day, thus insuring I will not be able to sleep at night. I’d gone a few days without taking OTC pain medication of any kind, but I am still in pain. My body still hurts. My muscles scream for pain relief. And my allergies are so bad, it’s hard to function without wanting to rip my skin off. My face has only recently stopped burning. My eyes, however, are driving me insane and I am pretty sure my nails have scratched a path from the middle of one hand to below my wrist. My eye drops are not working and the Benadryl cream I’ve used is a temporary fix, at best. 😦

I wish I had something incredibly thought-provoking or witty to interject with, but I don’t. I have no pearls of wisdom to share, not even a splash of humor. I’m stunned into silence, unhappy in ways I cannot communicate. One of the worst parts of unhappiness is knowing that there are people who relish in your misery. They drink it as if it’s their morning coffee, because it makes them feel better about their own lives. It’s so negative and evil that the thought makes me sick. But I can handle assholes. In fact, I can handle everything I don’t believe I can handle. I just wish I remembered why I have to keep handling it at all. 😦

Come Look For Me If I’m Too Quiet

2015-08-03 Miss Poison Change, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Rebirth, Writing Changes, Creative Freedom, Editing, Focus, Happiness, Misery, Musings, New Beginnings, Pieces Of Me, Quiet, Rebirth, Work, Writing

Mondays. They are the bane of my existence. I get sick by 8:00 PM nearly every Sunday evening, knowing that Monday is only a few short hours away. I have a sneaking suspicion I should only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Perhaps I shall rename the week days altogether. I’m starting to suspect that an insulated cave with WiFi and food delivery is the way to go, something very “off the grid”, so to speak. I’m not entirely sure the world is capable of handling me on any level.

I desperately want quiet. True peace, true silence. I hid in my bathroom while my neighbor did the landscaping on my property and mowed next door. Why? Because it was the only place where I didn’t have to hear the roar of the riding mower and the drill saw sound of the trimmer. By the time he was finished, which wasn’t very long, I thought the migraine was going to send me to the emergency room, begging to be put out of my misery. That was Saturday night. This morning, I don’t feel that much better, though I can say the pain has shifted and is no longer trying to shoot itself out of my skull. Small victories.

I realized a few days ago how utterly disillusioned and unhappy I am with my line of work. If I did realize it beforehand perhaps I never voiced the truth to myself, but I’m doing it now.

Those of us who are highly creative don’t do well when we’re boxed in, and I think I may have accidentally done that to myself over the past few years. I’m done. Within the next 6-8 months, I am going to stop editing for other people. I will still beta and do critiques, I will still be present for those that want/need my knowledge and skill-set or simply want a reliable, experienced person to turn to, but I am going to be doing two things once the time-frame passes.

I will be focusing on my writing, and I will be starting something new that will allow me a great deal of creative freedom. I’d rather juggle the two than be miserable for the rest of my life. Misery is unacceptable, so it is high time for a transitional rebirth. I’m sure I will be met with some negativity here and there, but ultimately I am the one that has to be happy and this is a way for me to achieve that in some small fashion, or perhaps a very large way. I won’t know until I dive in.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Once you’re able to see the full vision of “Why is this happening?”, you’re almost grateful because it lets you know how strong you are and how much you can handle without going utterly batshit crazy. I am counting my blessings, of which there are many, and thanking God for who and what I am today.

I will still be writing, but hopefully the mood will shift. While I will always be open and honest about migraines, Fibromyalgia, depression, suicide, and other things I deem important to discuss, it’s also crucial that I have more time to focus on my fictional work in order to speed up the publishing process.

I am planning a YouTube channel and some other things that some of you may or may not appreciate, but will have access to all the same. So yes, there will be some changes up the road, but I am embracing it all because I’m tired of dulling my shine to make other people feel more at ease.

Many people told me that when I was ready, it would be time to focus on myself exclusively. They assured me it wasn’t selfishness, but about prioritizing my needs over that of being dutiful. I’m ready.

Here’s to new beginnings… Cheers!

The Moon Brings Out The Loons

2015-08-022015-08-02 Miss Poison Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Chronic Pain, Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

“Sometimes the most powerful person in the room is filled with senseless doubt.” -Lisa M. Marino

Normally I don’t comment on the lunacy of the Full Moon, but this Blue Moon? Good Lord, it’s brought out the crazy!

There are very few people in the past two weeks who have not lost their mind and said something ridiculous beyond words to me, outright started a fight, or got uppity with me. It’s quite interesting how obsessed, self-absorbed, and repressed some people are. It’s even more interesting to me when anyone comes at me with newborn kitten claws and expects me not to have fangs. Cat and kitten are smarter than 99% of the people I know. That’s not my opinion, it’s a proven fact based on the behavioral patterns of the past two weeks.

I live by some very simple rules when it pertains to certain things.

#1- I do not apologize unless I am 100% in the wrong and truly sorry about it. I’m not going to apologize because someone misunderstood me when I was clear and concise and feels “hurt”. Take the whining somewhere else; compassion is not my strong suit. You cannot guilt me into an apology when I did nothing wrong. Victimizing yourself only irritates me.

#2- If you attack me like a child, I will sleep on it. I can be vicious and it is not beneath me to hit back hard, but some people simply aren’t worth the effort.

#3- Temper your words. It’s not always necessary to come out guns blazing. If someone brings a knife to a metaphorical gun fight though, all bets are off.

I, myself, have had a rough week. One bad day became three migraines and a horrible Fibro flare that sent me into a tailspin. And now? The remnants of Migraine #10. That is 10 full-blown migraines in five days. Chronic Migraine is classified as 15 or more headache days per month. I’ve had five days of multiple migraines, because apparently one isn’t enough.

Chronic Migraine is considered “chronic” if you experience 8 migraines in one month, but have 15 headache days that make it unbearable to function. What the hell does a person have to do to get some relief? Being told I “don’t actually have migraines” when I’ve had them since 1997 is an immense slap in the face. Perhaps one might like to explain the ice picks in my head and all the other lovely side effects of a migraine that have gotten worsen as I’ve gotten older. Clean MRI’s means it’s not my imagination, that it is indeed migraines.

I thought my very first migraine was the absolute worst. It went on for a week, it was probably the most horrific thing I had physically experienced up to that point, and that doesn’t even include the injuries I acquired in sports, so by my calculations, that means it was off-the-charts BAD.

I would never take migraine medication if I was merely experiencing the occasional headache. There is an immense difference between migraines, tension headaches, sinus headaches, and regular headaches. None of these things are “normal”, but I would never denounce someone else’s pain and dismiss it. When people tell others that “pain is weakness leaving the body” or other such anecdotes, I would like them to experience the suffering many of us experience daily for a few hours. They would come away singing a whole other tune, that much I’m sure of. No one who suffers from any form of chronic pain needs to be told there’s nothing wrong with them or that it’s “all in their head”. It’s disrespectful.

I hope everyone is having a healthy, positive, pain-free weekend. I’m simply taking things hourly. I can’t function on a grander scale at the moment.

Skype Conversations: Part I

2015-07-31 Miss Poison Humor, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Conversations, Humor, Men, Poison In Lethal Doses, Skype, Women

Him: Hey babe, what are you doing?

Me: Trying to draw Kylie Jenner’s lips.

Him: WHO?

Me: It requires more lip liner than five people have ever tried using in the 90’s.

Him: Is this a friend I haven’t met?

Me: No. Why?

Him: Well, there’s nothing wrong with your lips, so I don’t understand why you’re still drawing… What the hell did you do to them?

Me: I just told you: Kylie Jenner, lip liner. See?

Him: You don’t need lip liner, you have full lips.

Me: Excuse me?

Him: That’s a good thing- for a woman. You know, ’cause they thin with age.

Me: Learn that in a textbook, did you? (wipes off liner and lip balm)

Him: How did this go so badly so quickly?

Me: Don’t ask me why I’m doing something weird at 2:00 in the morning when I can’t sleep.

Him: Okay. How was your day?

Me: I do not recall, but whatever happened I am sure it led to the insanity of people believing that lip liner and lip injections could ever be similar.

Him: You’ve completely lost me…

Me: You heard me.

Him: You did NOT get lip injections. Tell me you didn’t do something so stupid.

Me: No, I did not get lip injections or they’d be visibly swollen, but thanks ever so much for letting me know that somewhere in my future is thin lips. At least something will be perfectly thin.

Him: I think I have a headache. Why are writers so difficult?

Me: I’m sorry, did you mumble something?

Him: Who, me?