If you have never experienced an issue with your own mental health, then you don’t get to sit in judgment of ANYONE. And if you have, then you should fucking know better before running your ignorant mouth. Period. Sufferers don’t want your attention; they want the pain to stop. They want to feel like themselves again, because they feel like their emotionally bleeding to death. Educate yourself on the various forms of mental illness and learn how to be kind.
No, this won’t be a cheerful post. If you ever expect that level of dishonesty from me, please unsubscribe/unfollow now. I’m many things, but direct and honest are the top too words used to describe me as a person. Obviously, I share the good things, too, but I temper most of my enthusiasm. I am not about ego.
Today took its toll on me because I was remembering this precise Saturday, many years ago. I had weird dreams last night into the morning, and then the realization jolted me harshly. Despite taking medication for Complex PTSD, I can see that this time, on the lowest possible dose, it’s failing. Instead of keeping pain and nightmares away, it worked against me. 😦 As the day progressed, I ended up doubled over with what I believe are kidney cramps. I have to give it few days to see if that’s actually what it is. If it passes, or not. Having had kidney stones, I can tell you the pain is excruciating. Right now, I can’t do a whole lot. I can barely go up and down a flight of stairs, but I digress.
I talk about life and loss because it’s part of who I am. I am formed out of loss and built up by life, love, and loss. It’s a vicious, yet honest circle of life.
On the back of my neck, beginning just underneath my hairline, is a tattoo. I call it “The backbone of my life.” because there are others that stretch down the length of my spine (and more to be added), but the first symbol means Life, Death, and Rebirth. It also means Maiden, Mother, and Crone; the three phases of woman. The third definition means Past, Present, and Future. Love, Loyalty, and Friendship is another meaning of this particular symbol. It looks like stained glass. It is done entirely in shades of blue. I get constant compliments on it, but the truth is, I forget it’s there. I forget, until I take a deeper look at my life and how it always cycles back to Life, Death, and Rebirth.
Essentially, it cycles back to all of the key meanings I have shared here. When a friend mentioned how much she likes this symbol and wanted to get it done in the exact same spot, I cringed. She didn’t fully grasp what it means; it was just a symbol she liked, as if looking at flash art in a tattoo studio. She ended up with a massive cross instead, and I breathed a sigh of relief because of how I hold the values of my chosen symbol deeply. It’s not something I did without thought. I actually waited a long time before I decided on something so permanent. I sort of regret the second symbol, but that’s a story for another day.
We all have private pain which is hard to discuss. Some more than others. For me, the memories are so fresh, as if this happened yesterday, but it’s been a long time, and it still impacts my life deeply. As a result, it conjured up dreams about multiple family members. Generally, I don’t dream much about the living, so that was the weirdest part. The dead always visit me. It’s never a question of will they, but when will they.
The past few years have really reminded me how solo I am as a person. This has nothing to do with my relationships, but with how I face life each day. I face it with the knowledge that no matter what, I am an independent individual. I face it without asking for help because people throw what they do in my face. I face it stressed because I am constantly criticized after being praised, It goes back and forth. Nothing I do is ever good enough, so I’ve reached a point where I focus solely on my needs. I’m not a moron and I don’t need to be reminded of anything, especially when I am in pain.
Certain types of people want things they do not give. Respect. Courtesy. Decency. RESPECT. They demand it instead of earning it. Clearly, they don’t know what will work with me, but disrespect and demands will never get you anywhere. I’ll do what needs to be done when I can, but if you place pressure on me, I will snap. Now, more than ever, I am aware that snapping is the next step because I’ve disengaged so many times, and people assume I’m ignoring them. Please don’t mistake my silence for anything beyond silence. I’ve yet to plan a murder out loud. 😉 But man, do some people PUSH until you feel like maybe an orange jumpsuit wouldn’t be so bad. 😦 And please, don’t ever deign to tell me how to speak. I will say what I need to say when I’m ready, not less than half a second after you tell me what you wanted to hear. Genuine thanks comes from the heart and will come once I’ve collected my thoughts; they will not come at all if you try to coach the words. That leads you to, “Go fuck yourself.”, instead of “Thank you.” Obviously, this is a case-by-case basis, but I’m damn fucking tired of being spoken down to.
Tonight, I go to sleep without words. Wash my face, brush my teeth, say my prayers, and that’s the end of the day. Tomorrow, I will relive more of the pain and suffering, and hopefully get a few things off of my list. After all, in the grand scheme of things, we only have ourselves. Obviously, you can believe as you wish. That’s your prerogative.
copyright © 2021 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. Excerpts and quotes from the material also require consent. This authors’ work and personal photos are protected under U.S. and International copyright laws. Further protection is under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
An important reminder, in case you’re struggling with remembering your personal value this year, or today, or ten years from now.
I’m not in the best headspace to share what I originally intended for today. Hopefully, I’ll feel better in the coming days, or weeks. There are no guarantees.
I hope readers in North Carolina and Texas, among other states, are safe and that power is slowly being restored. Hard to question global warming when you see the damage it can do. I’m used to it, but I know many who are not. I have a deep fondness for my time spent in Texas, so I know they aren’t prepared. This country needs to get every electric grid prepared for anything; no excuses. Every state should have access to salt, sand, and plows as a precautionary measure.
May this find you safe, above all else.
If you can manage to be both, all in the same day, that’s okay, too.
I laugh because my cats stand like statues a lot, and would try this if I hadn’t trained them as kittens not to get onto the kitchen counters or the dining room table. I freak out if they’re anywhere near the stove, so they seem to remember my reaction, unless they’re trying to test me, and then I do catch them. Some of their, “testing” is actually cat curiosity, more than anything else.
I’m highly impressed with the cat’s posture. Little feet on the plate… I can’t stop laughing.
For the record, I trained my cats, as kittens, NOT to go on the dining room table or the kitchen counters, and they’re generally good about listening because I made it a mandatory thing. Occasionally, I’ll catch them testing me when they don’t think I’ll find out about it. Felines trying to get away with things is the story of my life. 😉
This past year has been emotionally draining. I am making changes to move forward and move on, but I still have days when I feel trapped and stuck, even though most of that is the overwhelming stress of Covid lingering around, and what it has done to this world.
A lot can change in a month, six months, and yes, in a year. I’m trying to check off my goals one by one. Because when someone eventually tells the story of me, they will say, “She did that all by herself. With zero support from anyone.” Sadly, that’s how it’s always been for me, and I am trying to break the cycle of suffering. It’s not easy, but I think I can do it.
Be your own damn heroine.
A splash of simple wisdom as we head into the weekend.
People, too often, consider America the promised land. The ultimate goal. I’ve noticed, over the past ten years, people who’ve always believed this moving to Canada or the United Kingdom, instead. I can’t say I blame them.
There’s a lot of fucked up shit that happens here. Far more than most insulated citizens are aware of. This country isn’t perfect, nor is its leadership. That was proven this week while the rest of the world laughed at us.
For an incoming President, I’d like to see lower income families be taken care of first, even while you’re tackling Covid-19. Larger stimulus checks for lower and middle class families. They are the backbone of this nation. These communities are the ones that have lost the most in the past eleven months. We need to provide safe childcare if we’re going to demand they work harder, longer hours.
All across the board, the United States needs to do better. The world is watching. It’s time to do better, get better, and move forward in a healthier fashion. Because when I think of greed, I look at this country and I see it everywhere. It makes me sick and it adds shame on top of that. I’m still reeling from the events of this week, and I’m hoping we will move forward with less hate and more dignity. Alas, I know it will probably take the rest of my life to see that level of change, if not longer.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 