August Ends

2016-08-31 Miss Poison August, Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, September, Writing August, Fall, Happiness, Healing, Health, Honesty, Life, My Brother, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, September, Summer, Writing

It’s no secret; I HATE summer. Unbearable heat, humidity, endless days of sun; they simply weren’t meant for someone like me. Fall is my favorite season (Two guesses why.), but Winter is a close second. That is why I am relieved to say goodbye to August and hello to the cooler temperatures ahead.

This year has been HELL. On some levels, I’ve made great strides and on other levels, I feel stuck, trapped, and genuinely unhappy. I look forward to new people, new achievements, new goals, new forms of happiness, new successes, and pretty much all things NEW. And while that means delving into my past and ridding myself of a lot of negativity, I am all right with that. I am all right with the hard labor that will involve, so long as it opens up a new, fresh chapter that can be lighter, fresher, and ultimately, happier. I don’t always like change when it’s forced upon me, as my recent changes have been, but I look forward to making lemon drop martinis out of the lemons I’ve been handed. If I look at it any differently, it will only continue to traumatize and harm me, so I am doing my best to place a positive spin on it, because to go in reverse is not how you move on to better things.

A lot of people in life settle. I’ve heard way too many people say they married someone “because they asked”, not “because I genuinely love him/her”, but “because they asked”. That’s not reason enough for me, or I would have been married in junior high school! Yes, that’s when the majority of my marriage proposals began, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I may not believe in marriage at the moment, but I don’t ever want to settle for things I’m not happy with, or settle for someone who I don’t fully believe in. That’s like going to your favorite restaurant and ordering something off the menu that’s passable, but something you know won’t make you happy in terms of choice. Just thinking about it makes it sour in my mind. I won’t settle in any aspect of my life. Perhaps it’s why I am so challenging and difficult. I know who I am and what I’m capable of, and when people try to box me into their thought process or desire for me to be their vision of who I should be, I’m always going to rail against it. I don’t have to be perfect for anyone, I just have to be able to live with myself.

This month has taught me who is truly important in my life. As usual, the numbers diminish a little, and that’s okay. As people show you their true colors, you’re able to see everything and everyone a lot more clearly. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may upset you or piss you off initially, but ultimately, assholes and idiots, on occasion, help you make big choices. Life is a labyrinth of learning. Knowledge is power, and I feel like people forget that sometimes.

I move into September focused on my health, on my brother’s health and helping him as much as humanly possible (I am in the process of setting the fundraiser up. A detailed post will accompany it for those who didn’t read my previous post about feeling like this was the right thing to do for him. If I wasn’t deeply concerned, I’d never do something like this, but I am.), and on trashing the old, keeping as many good memories as possible, and learning that not everything needs to be held on to forever.

We come into this world naked and crying. We leave this world alone, even if we are surrounded by loved ones. None of our worldly possessions can go with us, though I’ve seen many people try. So, take stock of your life and don’t forget to look after loved ones to the best of your ability. Sometimes it’s a struggle, but it would be far worse if you had to live with regrets for the things you did not do when you had the chance to be present.

If I didn’t have loved ones and responsibilities, I’d have checked out a long time ago. I will never lie about that, because it’s always in the back of my mind, but today, I am trying to focus on being rinsed clean of all the bullshit and drama.

Here’s to a new month! Goodbye, August. I am happy to see you go. Wishing you all blessings, good health, and happiness for the month ahead. 🙂

Full Harvest Moon In Aries

2015-09-28 Miss Poison Aries, Full Moon, Wicca, Writing Aries, Autumn, Emotions, Full Harvest Moon, Full Moon, September, Wicca

Tonight is The Full Harvest Moon. It is called the Harvest Moon because at the end of September crops which were seeded in Spring are ready to be harvested. It is the final harvest before Winter, so crops, fruit, and grain would be stored to last through the winter months. The Harvest Moon is very bright, probably the biggest and brightest Moon of the year. This morning’s lunar eclipse and Super Moon will create extra strong tides and energy flows, disrupting sleep and energy levels.

Tonight’s Full Moon is in the constellation of Aries. This will be a fiery Full Moon deep with flaming, raw emotions. Your sensitivity will be heightened. You may have to move away from loud noise, crowds, and negative people. Try to be around nature tonight, as it will be very healing and nurturing to you. It’s okay to cry a little and wipe the slate clean in your heart now. Aries is a fire element, therefore emotions and feelings are strong now. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you may be feeling ultra sensitive.

This is a time of transformation. Earth is going through a major shift at the moment as it heads into Autumn. We are also going through a major change in our lives as Earth’s energy projects itself on us. We can use this energy of transformation to become what we feel we need to be in order to move on and be happy. Aries will make us feel a little braver and stronger, we may find that we have the courage to do things we were afraid to do in the past. Open yourself up tonight to the magical forces around you. Don’t be limited by the five senses or the ‘how’s’ and ‘when’s.’ Instead, believe in yourself and live from a place of magic and miracles.

The Harvest Moon is a time to reap what we have sown and cultivated this year. Our harvest is the culmination of our efforts to manifest a deeper and fuller life for ourselves. Name what you have harvested over the past year, bless it and yourself for the good work you have done.

This Full Moon let your emotions flow, get rid of past hurts, cry, scream, or shout if you need to, but let it out. Allow yourself to heal. Let the fire of Aries cleanse you. After tonight’s emotional Full Moon when you wake to an Autumn Sun, you will feel like a new person, full of vigor and energy.

Have a blessed Full Moon and may the Goddess watch over you.

Full Written Credit goes to Wicca Teachings.

Photo Credit: Various

Edited by Lisa Marino.

bloodmoon2-2015 — A view of last night’s Blood Moon. This isn’t the best photo I have, or the closest, but it’s nice and clear.

Misery Wants Company; But Misery Can Kiss My Ass

2015-09-262015-09-26 Miss Poison Birthdays, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Birthdays, Disrespect, Family Roles, Men, Misery, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, September, Siblings, Unappreciated, Writing

I’m starting this the night before (Friday @ 8:30 PM EDT) because I don’t know how much writing I’ll be able to do tomorrow, mostly because migraines and lack of sleep have plagued my existence the majority of this week.

Tomorrow is Case Study #2’s birthday. I gave him three potential options for a really nice birthday dinner based solely on his past & current tastes, and things he has mentioned “really wanting” over the past month. Let the record state that NO ONE in history, be it family or friend, has ever cooked a birthday dinner for me, not unless it was a restaurant chef. At the last second, the plan that had been agreed upon became a huge fight. I think we can all safely agree that no man should ever piss off the woman who prepares 70% of his food. I decided to pretend he had a brain fart/age issue and wasn’t truly stupid enough to talk to me the way he did. So, off I went to the store this afternoon to procure the ingredients for said birthday dinner. By the time I got everything on my list, went through the self-checkout, because, believe it or not, the line was non-existent, and put it all in the car, I was ready to fall on the floor of the parking lot.

I left the store with a dull headache that slowly progressed into a migraine. My 23rd migraine, since the 5th of this month. I’m starting to lose my patience with Topamax. The side effects are ones I am used to, but they’ve been rough on me. I’ve been on 50 mgs successfully for a while now, so tonight I will increase it to 75. That means I already took 25 mgs and that I will soon take 50 mgs before bed. It’s not a great hardship, but remembering is half the battle. If there’s one thing I hate about Fibromyalgia, killer migraines, and stress, it is walking around mentally confused. I have yet to say “What day is it?”, but I do have days where I say “Not today. I need to rest my body.”

I have been sleeping like a jet-lagged monkey. Three hours here. Two hours there. Nothing consistent. This will continue until we turn the clocks back in November, which is woefully late considering it is already getting darker earlier each evening, and that is a huge part of what tells my body that it’s time to go to sleep. Darker mornings also mean that my body says “It’s still dark outside, we need to stay asleep.” Unfortunately, the mind does not always shut off when everything gets dark and quiet. Therein lies a huge problem.

26 September 2015~2:23 a.m. EDT

I slept for just under three and a half hours, waking up with an overactive brain. That quickly turned into post-migraine symptoms, which, if you’ve ever had a migraine, you KNOW is not a fun experience. I then found myself staring at Cat and Kitten who were quizzically inquiring as to my state of “If you’re not asleep, perhaps you’d like to feed us? Look how cute we are…” I honestly just want to go the fuck back to bed for eight hours and not be bothered by anything or anyone, but since I’m awake, I might as well accomplish something.

Laundry and pre-prepping Case Study #2’s birthday dinner are my first two orders of business. I can multitask like a boss. 😉 It will also give me time to decide what I want to say in his birthday card without resorting to “I’m sorry we’re related. I hope you never need a bodily organ.”

When it comes to certain family members, I believe they each have different roles they play in your life. We all have a family member we’d prefer not to acknowledge, or one we’re almost certain we might kill one day, if only by “accident”. I often say “I will kill you and tell God it was an accident.” The only problem is, I mean what I say.

In every family there is the peacekeeper, the overachiever/hero/prodigal child, the scapegoat, the outcast/black sheep/lost soul, and the mascot, etc. There are additional roles within the sibling hierarchy, but basically, this sums it up nicely and will have you looking at your own family if you’ve got more than a few siblings to speak of.

Not all families are like this, of course. In my family, the grandchildren were always compared to one another, as if our achievements defined us as individuals. I am the oldest on my mother’s side of the family, but I’d be introduced by my Grandmother long after she introduced my brother and his accomplishments. “This is my Grandson… He’s done this, this, this, this, this, speaks French, has an I.Q. of…oh, and this is his sister.” I would stare at her whenever she did it, because I didn’t see a need for such nonsense, and I let it slide. There was no need to argue with her or point out my own accomplishments, talents, or achievements. She didn’t understand them, so they didn’t matter to her. It didn’t mean she didn’t love me, she simply came from a different generation. I didn’t care about squeezing into the mold to suit people’s needs then, and I’m certainly not going to change now.

Where am I going with this? Case Study #2 is miserable to his core. Apparently turning another year older, turning profusely more grey by the day, looking more like Mr. Clean (He’d kill me if he saw this.), and looking forward to another year where he mistakenly gets taken for my father (Which cracks me up every.single.time.) somehow requires him to be a vicious animal. He is rude, offensive, disrespectful, unappreciative, and I am not having any part of it.

I’m having a difficult year and a few weeks ago his birthday gift “request” was somewhere in the ballpark of $750 before taxes, which in my mind, is a month worth of bills. I just stared at him, because there was no other normal reaction to have. Not once in my entire life have I ever gone so far as to demand (it truly wasn’t a “request”) such an expensive birthday gift from anyone. I am happy to receive books, CD’s, t-shirts, gift cards to my favorite stores that I never get to shop at because I spend my entire year working, etc. I have definitely received some amazing gifts over the years from generous family members, friends, and ex-boyfriends, but there are also years I went out and bought gifts for myself. I’ve never turned to a soul and said “I want THIS. You owe it to me.” NEVER. I’d like a navy blue Lexus for my birthday, but is it the most prudent gift in the world? No. I’d be happy with a nice pair of gloves and a matching scarf to get me through the coming Winter, or a really nice wallet. Something I actually need, and you can add up all of those things and they don’t even range anywhere within his “request” because I live in reality. No one owes me anything, people who give you gifts do so because they want to and because they can, not because you demand it of them.

I guarantee that a month from now, I won’t get so much as a card. Last year, he wished me a happy birthday and patted me on the head as if I was a dog. A few years ago I went away for my birthday so he wouldn’t ruin it. I didn’t get so much as a phone call. He, miserable bastard that he is, gets a beautifully cooked meal (I don’t keep rat poison on hand.) and one of his favorite desserts. I even got candles. I am a complete and utter moron. 😦

Misery may want company, but this year and from here on in, misery can kiss my ass.

Autumnal Equinox

2015-09-23 Miss Poison Autumnal Equinox, God/Goddess, Mabon, Wicca, Writing Autumnal Equinox, Darkness, Fall, God/Goddess, Light, Mabon, September, Wicca, Writing

Today is the Autumnal Equinox when night and day are exactly at equal length. It is also one of the eight Pagan Sabbats, Mabon.

Mabon is mainly a harvest festival, it is the last harvest before winter comes. In old times it would be a time to start stocking up on fruit, wheat, corn, and grain for the winter months ahead.

This is a time of transformation. The great wheel has turned as we pass into a new season and say goodbye to Summer. The earth is going through a major shift, where darkness will now start to take over light as the nights get longer and days get shorter. Cold will start to take over warmth and death will start to take over life as plants wilt and trees start to lose their leaves, and fields become barren. Wild animals will start to gather food for the winter months and hibernate.

Mabon is a time of thanksgiving. We thank the God and Goddess for all that we have and thank them for the harvest. The sap of trees returns to their roots deep in the earth, changing the green of summer to the fire of autumn, to the flaming reds, oranges, and golds. We are returning to the dark from whence we came.

The Goddess is radiant as Harvest Queen and the God finally dies with his gift of pure love with the cutting of the last grain. He will descend into the underworld, his last day on earth will be Samhain when a gate will open between our world and the underworld. We enjoy the abundance of fruit and vegetables at this time. We should adorn our altars with pumpkins, nuts, corn, wheat, squash, fruits, and other seasonal fair and any falling leaves or acorns we may find to honor the season and to thank the waning Sun for the wealth of harvest bestowed upon us.

Mabon is also a transition for the Triple Goddess as she goes from her mother phase to her crone phase, her final phase from her journey of the year.

The Autumnal Equinox is a time of balance, of both light and dark, it is a time to look within ourselves and balance our thoughts and emotions, and to find balance in our lives. To embrace our dark and our light equally, as one cannot exist without the other. It is when we stop and relax and enjoy the fruits of our personal harvests, whether they be from toiling in our gardens, working at our jobs, raising our families, or just coping with the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

May your Mabon be memorable, and your hearts and spirits be filled to overflowing.

Full written credit goes to Wicca Teachings. Full editing credit goes to Lisa Marino.

Photo credit: Various.

Bright, Blue, and Dark

2015-09-14 Miss Poison Depression, Exhaustion, Feelings, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Mondays, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Depression, Exhaustion, Mondays, Moods, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Sadness, September, Stress, Writing

Despite what the Migraine app claims, I slept horribly (hours don’t count unless it’s quality sleep). Under normal circumstances the fact that I took two Benadryl for my allergies would mean I would have gotten an extra 2-3 hours of sleep. Alas, around 5:00 a.m. I was haunted by Case Study #2. Note To Self: Change locks and murder anyone that wakes you three times in one night for their own selfish reasons. By sometime after 6:00, I was awake, pissed off, and hungry. Thank God for awesome leftovers because that’s all I was craving this morning. When you haven’t made something in several years, having it after so long is like a homecoming. I wanted to celebrate the happiness that was occurring in the kitchen. 🙂 However, I’m not in the mood.

Despite bright blue skies vividly showing off the start to an early Fall, my mood is dark. I would love to say “Oh, it’s just Monday blues.”, but I know that’s not it. I’d love to say “It’s just the holiday bothering me.”, but that isn’t it either. Normally those might have been the lies one would tell themselves to get through a bad day, instead of honoring the fact that some days aren’t good, and that’s okay. We don’t wake up every single day feeling our best, or wanting to cast that cloud on others. I often say my mood first thing in the morning will determine my day, and that’s true. If I wake up on a mission, then I’ll slowly, but surely get things done. If I wake up feeling sick, or in a terribly low mood, then it’s often best to keep my mouth shut and my mood to myself. The last thing I want to do is lose my temper in public.

Because today is a holiday, it is often solemn. I normally read, keep a low profile, maybe talk to someone via phone or e-mail, but basically I keep to myself until the holiday is over. Unfortunately, that’s how most of my days are, minus the minor socialization and reading. I have so much to do and the stress is weighing heavily on me. I know that it will all get done, but man, all I want to do is crawl into a cave today and be left to my own devices.

It is extremely difficult not to feel insignificant in God’s eyes when you are going through difficult things with minimal support. But then you look in the mirror and you realize that ultimately, you support yourself. You look in your eyes and say “No matter what, I’ve got this. We’re going to be okay. We’re going to rise above everything. Hell, we’re going to fly.”

New Moon In Virgo

2015-09-13 Miss Poison New Moon, Writing New Moon, New Moon In Virgo, September, The Moon, Virgo, Wicca, Writing

Tonight is the New Moon in the constellation of Virgo.

Earth is going through a major transition at the moment. Dark is taking over light, cold is taking over warmth, and death is taking over life as we speed into Autumn. We will be able to see and feel these energies all around us. We can also use these energies of transformation to become what we want to be, to shed our skin and start fresh, & make changes that will improve our lives.

With this New Moon we are essentially working on a blank canvas where our ideas can gestate into reality. We can create the world around us and shape our futures to what we want, we just need to be willing to put in the work. All work done around the Virgo New Moon will pay off and give big rewards. The Virgo New Moon brings attention to the details, allowing you to listen to your conscience, or rather the wise voice from your soul. Look deep within yourself and ask yourself what it is that will make you happy, what will make you feel whole.

Now is the perfect time to push ourselves to get things done, make lists of tasks and tick them off one by one. Virgo is the worker sign and you will get great pleasure from getting jobs done. Do work on your home or start a new project or hobby. There is nothing better than working hard on something, seeing the results, and reaping the rewards of your labor. You can also strengthen your financial foundation. Think big and dream big.

This New Moon is a time for a deep cleansing, to get rid of clutter not just in the home, but emotional clutter. Let the power of the Moon cleanse your spirit. Move to a place of allowing and acceptance. Set your intention for what you want to create this fall. Stay out of negative thinking. Instead ask, ‘What supports my balance?‘ Don’t project out into the future. You are not there yet. You can scare yourself with the ‘What if’s.’ Stay present. The past is history, the future is a mystery, the present is the gift. Your power and effectiveness are in the here and now.

Have a blessed New Moon & may the Goddess watch over you.

Written by Wicca Teachings. Edited by Lisa Marino.

Reflecting

2015-09-11 Miss Poison Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, September 11th, Writing Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reflecting, September, September 11th, Writing

This morning is one of immense reflection. Those of us who lived through 9/11 and the aftermath have all lived through a monumental aspect of human history. A friend suggested it was merely American history and I said “It affected everyone, no matter where one may live. You don’t have to be American to empathize.” Try clearing customs at an International airport anywhere in the world and tell me it’s not different now than it was before 9/11, because it is.

I was one of the lucky ones. At the end of the day, I was able to count my family members and friends safe. But I will never forget crossing back into the city, watching truck after truck on the other side of the highway bringing in debris and body parts to be sifted through at a landfill. It was disgusting, creepy, and appalling to see.

The smell in the air was sickening. You could still see smoke, you could still smell smoke, but there was more than that. I cried, I could feel spirits in the air. That might seem crazy to people who aren’t sensitive, but it was like being smacked over and over with torturous cries. The emotional pain was palpable. Getting closer, seeing the destruction of the skyline in person… There are no words.

One Word Trade Center, which was fully completed roughly a year ago, offends my mind. I understand my city wanting to come back and come back strong, but there are better ways to do it. Another skyscraper wasn’t the way to go. It’s like putting a target on the city itself.

But New York was not the only city affected. Washington D.C. took an immense hit, and people often forget about that. There is a memorial garden in the area I currently live in for the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania. They held a candlelight ceremony last night, there was a memorial this morning beginning at 8:30 (which is going on as I type this), and Sunday there will be a 5K. I used to listen to the named each year, but I’ve since stopped doing that. Not because I could ever possibly forget, but because I can no longer listen on an emotional level.

I was asked to take a meeting today. Despite the fact that it will delay my life for about a week, I said no. I tried rescheduling and could not get through to anyone; I couldn’t even leave a message. In my mind, today is not the day for meetings, it is a day to show respect, to be introspective, and to remember. It’s a day to be grateful for life, and a day not to take anything, or anyone, for granted.

The Long Slow March Towards…More

2015-09-052015-09-05 Miss Poison Being Real, Change, Family, Growth, Happiness, Hope, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Depth, Eternal, Family, Happiness, Labor Day Weekend, More, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, September, Writing

Someday in the not-too-distant future, holiday weekends such as this one will have more meaning for me. They won’t just be about the “official end of summer” or hoisting the flag in a show of patriotism. No one should need a holiday to be proud of where they’re from. Unless, of course, Barack Obama is your President, is systematically destroying this country, and we’re heading into an election year, but I digress. Weekends like this will eventually be about family.

I wish I’d known ten years ago how fiercely I wanted the things I want today. I wish I’d known then that it was okay to pursue those dreams and goals, without fear. By fear I don’t mean fear in the traditional sense, more in the “How the hell am I going to do THIS?” sense. No matter how much faith and confidence you have, we all have moments of self-doubt. It’s normal. You can do every single thing in your life the “traditional way” and it can still go to shit before your eyes. I think people become consumed with honoring other people’s wishes, hopes, and dreams, and lose sight of their own.

When I said that I was going to make a career change, that in no way entailed the end of me putting ink to paper. It meant “I need more.”

I have a family member who is incredibly content to fill her home with rescued animals. And by fill, I truly mean FILL.

I was told, no joke, that I should feel “immense guilt” for not choosing to personally save more lives. I had to flat-out say that while admirable, I want my life to have more to it than that. Animals are wonderful, anyone who has spent five minutes reading my work knows that I love cat and kitten, but is that all I ever want to come home to until the day that I die? No. I respect her choice, but she cannot comprehend mine because she made her decision years ago. I find it simple: We want different things. That’s okay. It doesn’t make one person better and the other worse, it means we have different ideas for our lives, and she should be able to accept it and let it go. My life is not an animal sanctuary. Anyone who cannot understand that probably shouldn’t be a part of my life in any capacity.

Each of us wants different things in life. Some people might want the traditional life of a husband/wife, 2.5 kids (or no children), a dog/cat (or no pets), and the white picket fence. And others…we want more. It has nothing to do with material things and everything to do with depth. That’s precisely what I seek; Depth. Material things aren’t always yours “forever”, but the miracle of your own flesh & blood…that’s eternal.

In life, we all deserve the chance to find the things that make us feel whole, whatever that may be. Wherever you find your happiness, may it be the ‘more’, the depth, and the eternal truth that we all seek, whether we admit it or not.

Saying Goodbye To September…

2014-09-30 Miss Poison Editing, Fibromyalgia, Images/Photos/Quotes, Kittens, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing Cats, Editing, Exhaustion, Naps, October, September, Sleep, Writing

September always sneaks up on me unpleasantly, kind of like the holiday season (If I see one more Christmas decoration, I’ll flip my lid!). I’m never fully prepared for it and I am always happy to see it go.

October is my favorite month of the year. It reminds me of very happy times in my life, and is always the lead-in to my birthday towards the end of the month. Unfortunately, my last few birthdays have completely and utterly sucked. I have decided to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever this year, other than the firm knowledge that I have to make some important decisions within the next two years and should probably invest in prolonging what’s left of my youth.

I am still recovering from my marathon editing session. We will not discuss how badly I ended up injuring myself by not getting up a few times each hour to stretch, or taking a moment to check and correct my posture when I got stressed. I’m halfway done, so I’m feeling good about that. I wish sitting wasn’t quite so painful though. I’ve learned my lesson. Sometimes, less truly is more. Also, all those naps I didn’t want to take as a child…

As adults one thing we all want desperately is a good night’s sleep (and to win the lottery), but as children, we think sleeping means we’re missing out on something. I always felt that way as a child, but now, I’m wishing I’d napped more, so I wouldn’t be so unbelievably exhausted now. And so, I have decided that in my next life, I’m coming back as a cat.