Sometimes, I wish I still had an ounce of faith left to believe all of the positive things I post. I’m trying, but I’m also suffering and fighting, and when you’re going through all of that, faith is hard to come by. But someplace, somewhere, hope resides.
Today I needed a decompression day. I felt bad, initially, but then I realized I was running a fever and my body/health MUST be prioritized over “stuff”. I far exceeded my writing goals over the past few days, so it’s okay to slow down a bit and take care of myself. Health can’t be negotiated on. It’s more important than most people will ever realize.
I went to bed exhausted, I woke up more exhausted than when I originally went to bed. Lately, there never seems to be enough sleep. I found myself wanting to nod off for four hours yesterday, but when I finally committed myself to “a nap”, I ended up reading for over three hours. I hadn’t planned on reading at all, I simply thought if I started reading something nonsensical, I’d make myself even sleepier. It was counter-intuitive.
I think the stress of the week and of many, many months has finally hit me today. I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just want to rest. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and you can only ignore your body for so long before exhaustion catches up with you and doesn’t let go. That is definitely chronic fatigue.
My brain is barely working to form complete sentences properly. I have dueling issues. My stomach is telling me that we’re hungry and should try making some soup. My brain is saying that the soup can wait because if we’re not properly rested, we will burn the house down. I got distracted last weekend when I had something in the oven. I set the timer and instead of staying within a 15 foot range of the kitchen, I walked upstairs to check my phone. I went to check e-mail quickly or something, but then I got into texting with someone and the next thing I know, the timer is going off and there’s a slight smoky smell rising. I was also doing laundry, so clearly I was pulling myself pretty thin. Sadly, I didn’t hear the timer, which is quite scary. When I did go downstairs because the smell wasn’t right, I finally heard the timer and felt like a complete and utter moron. On top of being dangerous, I was just plain out of it. Now I stay close by, because the last thing I should be doing is something that could lead to the harm of myself or others. I’m too drained to be able to leave something alone while I’m in the middle of making it, and right now I’m truly too drained to actually make something. I don’t even think I’m capable of walking down the steps.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day, so don’t be alarmed if I make myself extremely scarce. This is an incredibly difficult time of year for me. Each year, I’m reminded that I am a Motherless Daughter. One year I waited until the day settled and went grocery shopping that night, because all I wanted to do was avoid the mother/daughter bonding that this weekend brings forth. If you haven’t experienced this kind of loss, or the kind of bond I shared with my mother, it’s not something one can easily relate to, so I tend to just close up shop for about 10 days and keep my mouth shut, lest I somehow manage to offend someone with my honesty and/or directness. Ultimately, there is always someone who will find me offensive in some way. It’s not my issue, it’s theirs, but I don’t want or need the drama.
So in advance, I wish ALL mothers: Pet mothers, Grandmothers, Godmothers, Aunts, and especially single mothers a very happy day. I’ll be okay, but if you can’t find me I MIGHT be sitting in the dark with chocolate pudding.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
The title seemed witty when I wrote it, but now it seems bloody pathetic.
I hope everyone is having an easy start to March. Mine involved ice and snow. However, in the midst of all that, the bunnies have returned and my yard was FULL of a wide array of birds yesterday. There were some really gorgeous black & white birds that I’ve only seen once before, so I have no idea what they are, only that they make the yard look incredibly posh whenever they’re hanging out. They’re truly stunning little creatures.
I am in the midst of a very painful Fibro flare-up. I really pushed myself hard over the weekend to do a lot. By the time 5:00 PM rolled around on Saturday, I had already done everything on my list and was passed out in my bed. I could barely walk at that point and I was truly worried that it would be a week or so before I could fully move again. Sunday night dinners are a tradition in my house, but I wasn’t able to manage it. In fact, when I couldn’t sleep Sunday night I decided to do all the original prep while resting, and Monday night’s dinner became a little more special instead. C’est la vie. It’s important to listen to your body.
I am still hard at work on a large manuscript and a smaller one. Normally I’d be done with both, but I ran into some issues and in lieu of needing to correct those issues, I am a little behind, but it’s okay. Quality is better than speed when it pertains to someone’s livelihood.
I was able to finish reading The Ruby Circle by Richelle Mead yesterday morning. If you haven’t read Richelle’s Vampire Academy books (the first book was made into a movie which I have yet to see) or the second part of the series called Bloodlines (The Ruby Circle was the final Bloodlines book.), I highly recommend them. They’re fast, intelligent, witty, and you don’t have to be in any specific age group to read and/or enjoy them. Technically they’re considered YA, but I’m an Adult-Adult and I liked them. I do prefer her Age Of X series above all else, but that’s just personal preference and taste. The next book on my list is by the ever talented Chris Kuzneski. I hope I’ll enjoy his new series.
Today, despite being wide awake, I am in a lot of pain and I seriously doubt I’ll be able to get a ton of work done, but I will make an effort, if nothing else. I think it’s very important to listen to your body and slow down and give it the rest it requires, especially when you suffer from something debilitating that takes you down, such as Fibromyalgia. Resting can be tiresome, but it’s incredibly beneficial if it helps you get back to a better physical state.
Overall, I learned this weekend that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I cannot do every single thing in one day any more. It’s just not doable. It makes me sad, but I do hope that someday in the future there will either be medication that makes it possible to regain some normalcy or a cure. All one can do is hope & pray for the best.
Wishing you all a great week ahead. 🙂
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
I am sick & tired. Mostly of being both of the aforementioned. Because I have Fibromyalgia, my body responds differently to the weather and a lot of other external things that I, personally, cannot control. I have heightened senses, so a lot of smells make me sick and I often have to retreat to my bedroom, with the blinds drawn tight, because the sun and most sources of light just plain kill me. If you ever see me coming home at 2:00 a.m., it’s almost certain you will see me wearing sunglasses. This disturbs a lot of people, but it is a necessity for me. Most people I know that have light eyes also have the same issue, but it depends. Fibro, Chronic Pain, and/or migraines can affect anyone to this degree. And yes, I do have light eyes.
I did get some rest over the weekend, but really, the entire weekend itself was a blur. Reading, writing, sleeping, laundry, cats, hot chocolate, TV, and not necessarily in that order. My DVR wants me to play “catch up”. I think I’m secretly trying to see if it REALLY holds 200 hours of Hi-Def TV or if Verizon is just screwing with me. Of course, I have NO IDEA what the hell one does with 200 hours of television. I’m not sure anything is that interesting. I deleted a show off my queue entirely and deleted the two episodes I had not seen. Once you lose me, you lose me, there’s no sense in me watching the ship sink. There are far superior shows I will be VERY sad to see go, like Sons of Anarchy. The fact that I missed a few seasons and need to catch up on those doesn’t take away from how hooked I’ve become. Others I’ve been with since day one and I’m sure I will be much sadder to say good-bye to. Alas, nothing lasts forever. Except, apparently, Supernatural. I missed a lot of last season, so I’m glad this one is holding my interest and making me laugh. I have a twisted sense of humor, sue me.
Today I am going to attempt to finish Bones Never Lie. I openly admit to being hooked to these books, even when on the rare occasion, they scare the crap out of me. It’s only happened once or twice. Patricia Cornwell is much more apt to terrify me and make me double-check that I’ve locked all the doors. Her books have also made me think someone was hiding in my trees, but that’s a story for another morning. We’ll blame that moment on cold medicine I may, or may not, have been taking at the time. 😉
I want to take a moment and thank Nicholas C. Rossis for sending me a copy of one of his books. Go over to his blog and let him know I sent you. 🙂 It’s important for writers to support one another.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled “stuff” for the day. Happy Monday.
copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 