It’s no secret: I’m fucking exhausted. Fibromyalgia, migraines, and two hundred truckloads of stress are slowly trying to kill me. Every day, I wonder if a heart attack or a stroke will take me out. I wish I were being dramatic, but I’m not. I would really like to curl up on the floor like a content cat and be left to my own devices. In my next life, I am definitely coming back as one…
In other news; Passover begins later this week just in time for the full moon and today is Palm Sunday, with Easter Sunday being next weekend. The former meaning something to me, the latter meaning “It’s Sunday.” I’m Jewish, which I know is not something people expect, but I’ve never hidden the fact.
Holidays are stressful for me, and depressing. Apart from my brother, all of my family is far away. I don’t speak to 9/4’s of them, and with just cause. I do not get invited to anything except funerals (Who the hell e-mails someone else in the family and asks them to deliver the news to me, and expects me to trek out 3+ hours to be treated like shit?) , and Passover in particular is one of those holidays that I hated growing up and have a terrible aversion to as an adult. This is a holiday where I am grateful to be an intelligent, creative, free spirit, yet under the tyranny of my nation’s President, as opposed to Pharaoh, which for me, is the same fucking thing. What won’t Americans be allowed to do tomorrow? Your guess is as good as mine, and I’m sick of it.
Holidays are often isolating if you suffer from a chronic illness that others refuse to understand and/or take into consideration. If family alienates you and friends drift to the wayside, or make themselves unavailable, it can be quite lonely. Do I want a house full of people for every single holiday? No, but would it be nice to have a few people around to do something with? Yes. In the end, I will probably be working on the never-ending manuscript (It’s really not that long, I’m just that tired.) and listening to music, or something as relatively laid back as possible. If you have a good move recommendation, please, send it along!
It is hard to believe we move into another month this week. Tempus fugit. The knowledge makes me ill (I have my reasons.). The truth is, before we know it, it will be Fall or Winter again, thus the cycle will continue. It’s always something. No matter what you’re going though, the world keeps on moving in various directions. You will agree with some and disagree with others. Such in the pattern of life.
I have a lot to do this coming week, so I made a list. I think it’s a good time to let people know you’re thinking of them by sending out cards, especially if you haven’t done so in a while, and make phone calls to touch base. Texting doesn’t count with this one. Since I can’t bear to talk to certain people at the moment, cards will have to suffice. After all, it is the thought behind the action that counts. 🙂
Here’s hoping everyone had a lovely, relaxing, productive weekend.
We know where you live Mommy, and it is not beneath us to display our utter cuteness for you to gain food, treats, or head scratches.
I have no idea why Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have become my favorite days of the week, but lately, I just can’t handle week days. Does anyone else feel like this?
I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been in a lot of pain and have required way more sleep than any single person my age should need (Still young, still fabulous. 😛 ). I work and then I look at the time, realizing that I’ve done a lot in short bursts of time, but that now that I’ve gotten work done, it’s time to close my eyes “for a little while”. The next thing I know, the day is over. I wake up from that brief little “nap”, check the time, and my cat and kitten are wrapped around each other. Apparently some kind of love fest goes on when I’m down for the count. I almost always have to be in bed and half asleep or completely out of it before they go into “love mode”.
Passive, sweet cat. Troublesome, but incredibly loving kitten. (You can see their photos on my About page.) They’re good for each other and they’re good for me, because without them, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. There are many mornings when they’re both pacing around me, marking my face with theirs (kitten does this), to encourage me to go downstairs and give them breakfast. If that doesn’t work, they start bringing toys into the bed. I have no idea where either of them are, but I know that if the food is not delivered in a timely fashion, they will try to curry my favor with gifts. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve both placed gifts in my bathtub as a reminder, as if I’ve ever forgotten to feed them.
I’m VERY lucky, they’re relatively well-behaved and sweet. They’ve got attitude, but mostly, they know that they are loved and safe. When I’m in a terrible amount of pain, one or both of them will get into bed as soon as I’m comfortable and either lay by my feet or by my head, and they do not move until they see me calm down and fall asleep, and even then, I still wake up with them close by. There is a sweetness to that which makes me emotional at times. My cat is a lot less openly loving than my kitten, but I have a bond with both of them and I see how they call for me and come to visit me when I’m working. Basically, I get treated like one of them. Perhaps this is why they often place toys under my butt and then try to bite me awake. Sassy’s been doing this since she was a baby, and at 19 months, it wasn’t that long ago that she was the ruler of the roost and tiny, aggressively shoving me awake and demanding food constantly. Now that there are two little beasts, I have them on a schedule. She’s no longer interested in most games (my little one wants to play, but also self-entertains), but is happy to bite my feet or grab my ankle for a nip if she’s feel froggy.
Now that Miss Sass has a constant playmate, she’s no longer ripping me to shreds and biting me. Her breed isn’t known for a lot of verbal communication, so she spent ten months aggressively hurting me several times a day until I found her the perfect little companion. It was NOT love at first sight. It took about a week or so, and they slowly became obsessed with each other. Mini is also incredibly obsessed with me, but she’s still a baby.
What else is going on? Oh, yes! Because I’m a total hypocrite (And honest enough to admit it.), I am back on Facebook. My original account is still up in the air. Facebook and I have exchanged countless e-mails, and nothing has been worked out, so I waited a while and established a new account. I intentionally linked it to my cell phone which somehow authenticates that I am indeed a “real person” and not the countless things I was accused of in all of their e-mails back in January. If you want to pal around with me, let me know and I will send you my new hypocritical info.
Speaking of which, Facebook has changed quite a bit since I was gone. I am pretty sure someone peed in everyone’s coffee this morning because for every 30 people who liked something I said, I had one person go ballistic. To avoid future problems, I’m keeping a low profile. However, when subjects are open for discussion and you don’t know a person, I think it’s crucial not to call them “OCD” or “rude”, especially since you’re clearly not understanding the context. I was called both this morning by two absolute idiots. Mind you, gutless wonders like to hide behind their computers and spew horse shit.
My first thought was “Go fuck yourself!”, but I decided not to lower myself to their levels. Second, throwing obsessive compulsive disorder around as some sort of joke or insult is incredibly rude, and when one is not a healthcare professional, one has no right to say that to someone they do not know and have never met. That actually IS rude. Disagreeing with someone isn’t rude, we’re all entitled to do so.
I’m a supportive writer. I’m going to be honest, polite, and concise because that’s how I am. I’ve NEVER been rude on Facebook or any form of social media that I am aware of. If anyone has ever read my work and deemed me rude, then that was YOUR perception and not the facts. I’m not Ms. Sweetness & Light, I do not throw rainbows at you, nor do I shoot sugared unicorns when one deserves venom.
There is a fine line between sharing thoughts and being a bitch. I don’t bring out the bitch side unless it is warranted and I don’t do it on Facebook because I have a professional reputation to uphold. If I wouldn’t say something to your face, then I certainly wouldn’t say it behind your back or in a public forum. That’s not how I operate.
People like to throw my astrological sign into play in their “defense” quite a bit, but the truth is, I’m a pretty controlled Scorpio female. I might not always have been, but I learned a long time ago to get the negative aspects under control or they would control me. Lesson learned, and once broken of those habits, I did not return to them.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That’s a load of shit. Words can hurt, they do hurt, and people throw them out there like it’s no big deal. I’m known for my “say anything” policy, but there ARE things I absolutely won’t say because I have morals, dignity, manners, self-respect, and boundaries. Some things are so below the belt that you simply don’t go there. You can think them, but then you must let them go because that kind of negativity breeds more negativity, and it’s unhealthy.
More and more, people are offended by anything and everything, but they care little for who THEY might offend. They have no manners or coping mechanisms for difference of opinion or basic relationship skills. Junior high school drama wasn’t cute in junior high school, and I won’t tolerate it as an adult. By all means, disagree with me. That’s fine. If you don’t know the context in which I mean something, don’t assume, ask. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Overall, I’m glad to have the account for my cousins and the few real friends I have, and for specific things that I’ve discussed here many times, but outside of that, I realize that I don’t miss it and that it’s a terrible waste of time. Who knew I’d grow to love Twitter?! By the way, thank you Lillian for suggesting it, and for clearly being a friend to me when others are full of crap (Link to her blog is attached to her name.). You go away for less than two months and you actually find out who your REAL friends & family are, both on and off social media. How utterly pathetic. True colors are shining bright and a lot of people are chicken-shit yellow. C’est la vie.
Also, there is a brand new blog, started by one of my best friends, that I am going to be interviewed for. I will make sure the link goes up ASAP.
And on that note, I hope you all have a lovely weekend. If you’re an NCAA fan, I hope you’re cheering for my team tonight in the Sweet 16. 🙂 GO DUKE!
This morning I said that I would push myself to work on this manuscript. I’ve revised portions of it so many times that it’s caused me to not go further into the manuscript than I normally would at this particular point in time. That irritates me, but my client is pleased and said she’d rather I be honest and do it right, than not be able to understand why I cut certain things and why there are thousands of words full of notes. I’m around 5000 additional words, all of which are notes and suggestions, and I’m not even halfway done, which is completely unlike me. Yes, I’ve been sick and in a lot of pain and I’ve got things going on in my real life that are sucking time away, but in truth, it’s no excuse.
For two hours this morning, I worked my ass off. When I finally glanced down at the time, I was surprised how much work I’d done in those two hours. I have a sneaking suspicion that I was able to get more work done in that short period of time than perhaps in all these weeks. Sad, but true. I own it.
As it nears 5:00 PM EDT, I simply want to crawl into my bed and not leave unless A) I need the bathroom or B) I get a headache from too much sleep (Yes, this can happen to people.). My body is demanding rest. The thought of cooking dinner, feeding the girls, and then beginning the female process of “getting ready for bed” makes me want to fall on the floor. If I’d remembered to eat earlier in the day, I’d skip dinner and go straight to the “getting ready for bed” part. Alas, I did not remember, so there is much to be done. Here’s hoping I don’t lose what’s left of my mind in the process.
Author’s Note: This does not pertain to the non-idiots of the world, of which the ratio seems to be smaller by the day.
Patience is not my strong suit. It’s a fact, so I’m being clear about it. And yet, with my severe lack of patience, every idiot in the world is somehow finding me. Where the hell did all the smart people go?!
You can tell me I’m crazy, or you can simply nod in understanding. Take your pick. When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong, but when I’m right…I am woman enough to admit it. Thankfully, I am often right, mainly because I don’t open my mouth if I’m 100% wrong. I’m smart enough not to. So, here’s my short list of pissed off rants.
I purchased something on eBay that never arrived. I immediately requested a refund. The seller wanted me to wait another two weeks “in case it arrives late”. It didn’t. Now the seller is claiming that I cannot be refunded, “PayPal will not allow it”, and suggests they re-send the item which will take approximately TWO MONTHS to get here. If it didn’t arrive the first time, do they really think I want to wait another 45-60 days? I’m calling PayPal stat. FYI: This was not an expensive item. The whole point of using PayPal is to protect yourself from things of this nature. I’m starting to wonder what the hell compels me to occasionally purchase something from countries with questionable shipping regulations.
A woman purchased a mineral foundation from me on eBay. My listing was clear, concise, and specifically states that I do not accept returns. She purchases, pays, and the item arrives. She leaves me positive feedback, and then files a “Request To Return Item” with eBay. UN-BELIEVABLE. eBay states that I do not have to accept returns because my listings all state that I don’t. She claims she “bought the wrong shade”. She bought it with plenty of time to spare and could have said something to me in advance of my shipping it, but instead, she paid right away and I shipped it to her. How do I warrant positive feedback and no personal message asking if I’ll accept a return if she states that she was satisfied with five-star feedback? I ALWAYS communicate directly with a seller if there’s even the slightest issue. I think we can all agree that I shouldn’t be forced to let her have a refund AND keep an item she opened when it was shipped sealed. I don’t think it’s my job to do the color research for her that she should have done at ANY store, or on the Internet. If you’re buying any type of foundation for the first time, test it out somewhere first, especially if you’re looking to save money by buying it on eBay. I’ve never bought foundation without first knowing the color would be a match, but if I did, I knew the company I was purchasing it from accepted returns within 30-120 days. This just plain irritates me.
I stupidly offered to help out a fellow writer in January by editing her manuscript. She said she could not afford an editor, so I stepped up and said I would do it “in my spare time”. I was abundantly clear that I’d do it “in my spare time”. That actually means “when I have a few minutes, I’ll work on it, but not all at once”. It does not mean “I’ll prioritize your work like the customers that pay for my work”. I cannot afford to do that. I will treat her with the same respect and courtesy, yes, but is her manuscript my first working priority? No. I made that very clear. I don’t need a pat on the back for an act of kindness, but I’d really like the incessant whining e-mails to stop. The other day she sends me a message to ask if I think she should remove some characters (YES!), because she’s considering revising it by omitting a whole bunch, but also wants to flesh out others (all of a sudden. How much work does she expect for free?!?). I told her I could not make that decision for her and that if she is going to make that choice to forward me the revised manuscript at her convenience. I have a paying customer whose work I MUST focus on. (I did NOT say the last part, but I did want to locate a spoon to remove my eyeballs.)
How is that people take a simple discussion and make it all about religion? How is “I’m a Christian” an answer to something that does not involve religion AT ALL? The subject then turns to the painting ‘The Last Supper’ by Leonardo da Vinci. Any idiot with half a brain knows that this particular, not to mention famous, painting is not called “The Da Vinci Code”, right? I had to stifle myself from pulling out my own hair. No wonder other countries are so much smarter than Americans! Even better, some idiot says “I think it was supposed to be a metaphor.” Umm, NO. If you’re trying to debate with someone and you involve religion and a book that is probably based on some semblance of fact, then have the fucking facts, use spell check, and know what you’re talking about before you open your mouth. Moreover, a work of fiction has NOTHING to do with Jesus and your personal beliefs regarding such. (I’d say more on the subject, but it’s not a wise idea.)
Another idiot asks if it’s okay to publish a book with all of the following: Spelling errors, poor grammar, broken thoughts, slurred words, etc., because she wants it to be “authentic” to having had a stroke and wants the readers to “be her” because she had to relearn everything after the stroke. I understand that. I’m not ignorant, but by disagreeing with a group of professionals, she turned a conversation from civil to vicious. I said that I’d hire someone to collaborate with her (NOT a ghost writer, but someone who can make all of her thoughts cohesive since her thoughts are all randomized due to memory loss.). She made a lot of excuses for herself to the point where the words “That is victim mentality.” finally were posted. Her response was “I AM a victim.” She also said “I am the stroke.” No, you’re not. The stroke happened to you, it is NOT who YOU are, and by allowing yourself to keep on thinking that, you encourage the victim mentality instead of growing from this tragedy and allowing yourself to move forward and heal. Why else would you want to tell a story about it? While I empathize with her plight, no publisher in their right mind would allow that to be greenlit the way she intended to do it. I do not know a single editor that would let that slide. It would be nonsensical gibberish and no one would be able to follow it, unless, perhaps, it was only released as an audiobook. I finally had to say “Good luck.”, because while the conversation started out well, it was going nowhere fast and was about to get ugly. The moderator stepped in and deleted the entire thing. How sad is that? You pretty much know you’re causing problems when someone out-right deletes everything you just said and, knowing how things are now, probably booted her or gave her a personal warning.
It comes down to this: The older I get, the less I understand people and the less I want to understand people. The things that bother people, based on what I’ve seen and heard, are pretty unimportant, superficial things. The things that people allow to slide are actually pretty serious issues, and yet everyone wants to sweep that shit underneath the thickest rug possible. I have to be true to myself and sweeping things under the rug isn’t how I do things.
Life is long, hard, and oftentimes, lonely as hell. When you go to someone in search of advice, it is ultimately still your decision whether or not to take that advice. I wish people would stop coming to me for quality advice and doing the exact opposite in the end, but hey, that’s THEIR issue, not mine. I generally don’t ask for advice because I was raised to trust myself and trust my intuition, but there are far too many people who insist on spewing stupidity at me, as if I asked for their opinion or advice. They don’t understand that their words aren’t warranted unless asked for.
It’s very important to me to be my authentic self, but sometimes I have to walk away from the idiots because in the grand scheme of things, they all seem to enjoy their idiocy way too much. I simply do not have time for that.
Hello everyone! I did mean to write something sooner, but quite frankly, the brain does what the brain wants to do. Of late, I wasn’t 100% sure it was even there any more. However, I assure you it’s all firmly attached, but there never seems to be enough time in a day and my thoughts simply aren’t “write-worthy”.
What to say? I am still working on big manuscript. I’m exhausted from that because I’ve gone over it 4-5 times (the first 100 pages) and I’m still finding little things that bother me. Outside of work, I am dealing with some scary health stuff. The Fibromyalgia flares have been severe, then I’m fine, and then they’re severe again. All in a matter of a few days. The scary health stuff is completely separate. I’d rather be able to say “I don’t have ____.”, as opposed to talking about it ahead of time. Yes, like many of you, I did go on WebMD and the Mayo Clinic’s web-site and quite frankly, I only managed to scare the shit out of myself, so no more. I pray it’s nothing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look or feel like “nothing”.
Other than all that, I’ve done nothing but cook, transfer items from the washing machine to the dryer (repeating as necessary), have chased the littles around, fought with Sassy over being brushed (She thinks the brush is some kind of challenge. I think it’s the best way to keep her short to medium length coat manageable.), and have fought for every minute of sleep. Tomorrow, I will attempt to tackle real errands. It’s not what I want to be doing, but it’s what I have to do. Wish me luck.
I hope everyone has had a good week. I’m doing my best. I appreciate all the comments and messages sent my way. 🙂
Is anyone else following a specific team in the NCAA Tournament?
I am currently in one of those moods that is hard to define. Lack of sleep and a full body flare-up haven’t helped matters much. You either allow yourself to feel all of the pain, or you mentally allow yourself to be dulled. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. I’m simply saying that after a period of time, you shut your mind off because all of the pain is too much.
Not being able to sit for very long, walk the way I used to, or turn my head and neck properly, was something I focused on for a very long time. All I could think about was what Fibromyalgia was taking away from me. Being able to fully take care of myself being high on the list. Other things start becoming afterthoughts because without dulling the mind, the intensity of everything I think and the pain I feel comes rushing back. No one deserves to live like that and call it a “life”.
By all accounts, my life would be considered full to the eyes of many. I know differently. I know that just getting out of bed is a struggle, especially if I haven’t gotten any real rest. Nights spent tossing and turning are equally as exhausting as the pain itself.
There are days when I truly need a nap. Sometimes I fight it, other times I give in. Sometimes a 2-4 hour nap is the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. It upsets me that I cannot make definitive plans because of the pain. When I do make definitive plans, I do my level best not to back out at the last-minute, unless it is something that is truly easy to re-schedule. People, it turns out, aren’t very understanding. Over time, you lose people in your life, but you hold on to those that are quality. A real friend doesn’t turn their back on you, period.
I think it’s important to support others through any form of Chronic Pain and Fibromyalgia. I don’t think it’s acceptable to walk away from someone who is really suffering or turn your back on someone without just cause. Essentially, many people want things they are not willing to give in kind. Hard times help you to see other people’s true colors.
I’m the same person I always was: Inappropriate, funny, honest, direct, loyal, and real. Pain has not minimized my personality or the lengths I will go to for others. It has slowed me down, yes. It has made me focus on other things at times, but it has not changed the core of who I am.
Love, loyalty, and friendship mean different things to different people. I know what it means to me, and I honor that. I will not stand for those that cannot honor any aspect of it. Apologize when you are wrong, fuck off if you’re not genuine, and basically, don’t waste my time; it’s valuable. Pain might limit certain things, but it’s not a lobotomy.
There are a lot of false people in this world. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by them. See people clearly, for exactly what they are. Stop looking for the good in people (Despite what some people believe, there is NOT good in “everyone”.) and start looking at what’s right in front of you. Trust is not something to be given away freely, it is something to be earned.
I feel jet-lagged and incapable of moving almost every muscle in my body today. I can’t truly afford to take the day off, but I have no choice. I am sitting here and my eyes are barely open, my brain is barely functioning, and yet, I know full well that I got a full night’s sleep. Have I mentioned that I HATE turning the clocks forward?! It is a crime against the body.
I’m in a little less pain than yesterday, but I suspect there’s something waiting around the bend. After all, Fibromyalgia loves nothing more than to lull you into a false sense of security in your body’s pain threshold before it knocks you back on your ass, unable to breathe. I went to bed last night in severe agony. I even looked in the mirror to make sure my spine wasn’t bruised. The never-ending grind on the body is tiresome and depressing. There are moments when you question whether or not you’re actually alive or if you’re simply living in a nightmare, unable to wake up. At any given moment, it’s truly a toss-up.
Not even caffeine can keep me awake, so I am going to close my eyes and allow myself the rest my body is screaming for, even though it makes me feel terrible about my place in this world. If you know someone who suffers from any form of daily pain, send them a kind word this week and let them know you’re praying for them, care about them, or that you are simply available to listen. Oftentimes, those are the things sufferers of any form of chronic pain need the most.
Sleep issues, for now, seem to be on their way to looking up. I was in bed so early last night, I’m certain every 80+ year old Grandmother was still awake when my head hit the pillow. When sleeping is difficult, it’s good to go to bed the second you can no longer keep your eyes open. Mission accomplished. It was after 4:00 a.m. when I realized that I never bothered to turn the clocks ahead an hour, but in the grand scheme of things; no harm, no foul.
Somehow the downside of a full night’s rest is that I woke up feeling like a Mack Truck had run over me, backed up, and proceeded to go at it a second time. Everything from my neck down to about mid-thigh feels broken, bruised, damaged, and whatever words are worse than “sore” and “achy”. By Fibro flare standards, this is pretty standard. It was twenty degrees colder yesterday, and yet today, while the temperature is slightly under a balmy 50 degrees, my body is working against me. Even my hair hurts…that’s not okay.
Weekends are never as long as they should be. For at least a year, I’d like one continuous weekend. There are weekends where you get a lot of writing/editing done (read: work) , and others where you get to enjoy things that you might not normally get to do (Minds out of the gutter.).
I’m extremely displeased with where this weekend went, but considering how much I have on my mind and on my plate, figuratively speaking, I just have to do better this week in terms of properly managing time.
In the meantime, I’ve got a ton of work and research ahead of me this week. I look forward to none of it. I’m having a hard time being passionate about what I do because the daily pain is just too much. Normally I am speedy and efficient. Right now, I am slow and I find fault with every other word. No matter how much positivity I can manage, at the beginning and end of each day I am still in excruciating pain and it’s hard not to take issue with that.
Here’s hoping everyone’s week is bright, and full of potential. I’ll be okay with significant progress, love, support, and a lot less pain.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 