“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting.” -Buddha
Life
Feeling Sour
Maybe its lack of sleep, the weather, circumstances being what they are (I will explain at some point.), etc., but whatever it is, the combination has made me utterly unpleasant and sour. Two feelings that I can never seem to shake entirely. 😦
I forced myself to go to bed early last night, which was an utterly useless idea considering I have been battling migraines all week long (two separate, extremely painful migraines. One on Monday that carried over into the following day and the other that began Tuesday and has yet to part ways.) and have more caffeine in my system than the average Starbucks consumer. 
Earlier on, I realized could still be “on time” today if I got 4-5 hours of sleep, so I forced myself into it and not only was I on time, but I managed to have a relatively decent day.
My first stop was the library. As a writer, I’m a big fan of libraries on a whole. They’re a great way to support writers by reading their work, and many of them have extensive collections you can read on your tablet or computer with a simple tap. You may not be able to fork over $30 for that first edition hardcover (or $10 for a paperback. Let’s face it, book prices aren’t getting any lower, unless you’re buying Kindle versions where there are often deals and decent prices at times, especially if you pre-order. I cannot speak for Nook prices.), but if you borrow the book, you’re still supporting a writer and you’re supporting your local library. Win-win.
By proxy, some libraries are better than others. My “new to me” library isn’t as good as the one I frequented in Pennsylvania, which was a Comcast supported library and, interestingly enough, was the BEST in the county. This one has fewer computers for people not bringing their own, 60% fewer books overall, 80% less DVD’s and Blu-Rays, and 70% less space, but it’s nice and quiet, is on two floors, has separate rooms for things some people deem “popular” and “interesting”, and I could probably spend an entire day there without being disturbed, unless they had some kind of event going on. There’s also a pizza place next door, so if you got hungry at any point after 11:00 a.m., there’s pretty good pizza within walking distance. Not too shabby. I scored a book that I’d placed on hold earlier in the morning before deciding I could attempt sleep (talk about fast service on a hold!), and a pile of CD’s that aren’t due back until June. Trust me, it won’t take me long to copy the music and drop the CD’s off next weekend, and since almost all of it is brand new, I was pretty impressed by that alone. They have a nice section called “New Music”. If you wanted anything new at my previous library, it had to be ordered and it could take anywhere from two weeks to six months, if not longer. Here, they order books and music directly from Amazon, so I learned. That’s quick service.
After that, I spent a few hours at the beach. Yes, I know. Beach and Lisa are two words you don’t normally find in a sentence. Yes, I was properly sun protected, as I would later discover in front of a lit-up mirror exactly how pale I am when I’m under different lighting (Holy crap!). It was nice being at the beach when it wasn’t chock-full of people, was low-tide, and I was able to take photos and find a few shells that spoke to me. Plus, it allowed me a good mile plus of walking. Yay! 😀
I then had lunch at a restaurant that had previously been an absolute favorite. I was saddened to find that they’d changed their menu entirely, and that the quality of food, service, and even more than that, were seriously lacking. If I never see a server bringing a drink into a huge party, only to hear a waitress call out “She specifically said ‘no lime’.”, only to watch him fork the lime OUT of the drink, it will be too soon. If you’re in the food-service industry, we all know you’re supposed to pour that drink out and start over, not fork out the lime. There’s a reason people get specific with food and drink orders and nine times out of ten, it is due to an allergy, especially in this day and age. If someone handed me a drink where I tasted lime after specifically saying “no lime”, heads would roll. Not because I’m a bitch, but because you don’t go into a fancy restaurant of any kind and expect such poor service. You cannot charge nearly $30 or more for most lunch items (I’m not exaggerating.) and do shit like that. It is completely unacceptable. I wasn’t the only person who was utterly shocked to see that, a couple sitting at another table was also mortified. That place is now crossed off my list of favorites. Every time I find a fabulous restaurant, it doesn’t remain fabulous. 😦 This is one of the reasons I’m hooked on my cooking. At least then, I know what to expect and can only blame myself if something isn’t to my exacting specifications, which is incredibly rare.
The remainder of the day was pretty calm/relaxing, though I did come home in some serious “I walked way too much for one afternoon” pain. Such is the life of a sufferer of any form of Chronic Pain. I openly admit I pushed myself hard to do what I did, but it’s important to do that at times, because it helps you achieve something out of your day. Being at home 5-6 days a week, completely isolated, hurting, with just Cat and Kitten to keep me company and (partially) listen to me, is grating on my last nerve. Sometimes, I need to be around people and be reminded that I’m still young and that I need to break out of my shell on occasion. Otherwise, life is pointless.
One of the ways in which I will be breaking out of my shell is via YouTube. It’s completely outside my comfort zone and goes against a lot of my feelings and beliefs, but you do what you have to do when you have to do it, for your own reasons. As long as your choices are on your terms, it is okay. No one is perfect. It’s more important to me to be a decent person as opposed to aiming for the impossible.
So now, I return to a book and hope that everyone has a fantastic weekend and week ahead. I’ll be around, in one form or another. That alone is a soberingly depressing thought. 😦
Blessed Be.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Deeply Emotional Goodbyes
I apologize to all of you for not writing this weekend. I fully intended to complete a post yesterday, but I had to prioritize a horrible Fibro flare and today, despite one of the worst migraines in my life, I forced myself out the door with sunglasses practically glued to my face, on a 30+ minute trek to say my final goodbyes to OGK.
I had hoped there was something that could be done for him, but as I sat with him, I felt his body temperature getting lower and lower, which I know is a sign that a cat is rapidly declining health-wise. I’ve said goodbye to too many not to know the signs.
OGK was abandoned at some point in his cat life in a college town. If you’re a college student and have ever abandoned a cat to the streets upon the end of a semester or graduation, there is a special place in hell for people like you. Cats are a 10-25 year commitment. If you can’t make that commitment to an animal, get a fucking tank of goldfish, but do NOT get a cat and then leave it behind, or worse, move while the cat is taking a walk because you’re stupid enough to allow it to be an outdoor cat. If you’re halfway human, find a no-kill shelter and surrender it, but do NOT toss it out like garbage and abandon it; it is a living being. It probably loved you, if you weren’t a complete and utter douchebag!
I am personally allergic to cats and proudly owned by two, whom I adopted as kittens. I will take allergy medicine, get shots, whatever it takes, to continue being their mother. There are no excuses. They know this. They know I love them. They know I would walk through fire for them. They are my cubs.
OGK was one of the rare, lucky ones who was rescued from near-death by a family member. It didn’t take him long to decide that he liked me, high praise for a cat that didn’t trust many people, and frightened easily in the early stages of his transition from street-cat to “Royal Highness”. I spent a full month in total, many years ago, teaching him to “own his property” and be the “man of the house”. Every time I saw him, he gained more confidence. It was much like watching a flower blossom.
OGK and I had our differences. He liked to wake me the second I fell asleep (Not good for my Fibro and worse when I had migraines. I have NO patience, and he tested me regularly.), he liked to meow his displeasure at me, but when he needed me most, once in February and again today, he knew I’d be there for him 100%. He knew I could be trusted and that even though I often yelled at him for waking me and driving me insane in those early stages, that I did indeed love him. He understood that I wasn’t truly being mean, that we were just learning things about each other. He allowed me to comfort him when he needed it most. He allowed me to be his friend.
At roughly 3:30 PM EDT, OGK was put to sleep to end his suffering, and my G-d, he was absolutely NOT okay and to allow him to go on as sick as he was would have been evil. He was approximately sixteen years old. But above all, he was LOVED.
I will miss his teddy bear face and his soft ears. I will miss the times he purred just for me. I will miss star-gazing with him and watching the moon with him when it was just the two of us. I will miss saying goodnight to him, when I would whisper “Goodnight my little muffin man, Auntie loves you. Come and get me if you need anything.” I will also miss him keeping me company at times when I am certain I was only good company to a cat.
When I came home this afternoon I picked up my youngest cat and said “Promise me you won’t leave Mommy until you have to, okay?”
Hug and kiss those you love the most. Squeeze them tight. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Not even tomorrow.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Invitations
Hello everyone. 😀 I’d like to welcome all the new readers. For those who have been on this journey with me from day one; thank you for sticking with me.
This has been an incredibly stressful month for me. A friend of 20 years passed away this week, which saddens me because she was such a special person. My migraines and Fibro flares have been completely out of control, which is why I haven’t written much of anything. To add insult to injury, I got hit in the mouth with the pet gate this week (Bottom teeth, right in the front.). I don’t have any bruising, but MAN, it fucking HURTS. I can handle a lot of pain, but my hands, mouth, and feet are three of my “NO” spots for anything lasting more than ten minutes. Here’s hoping it passes soon.
I hadn’t realized it had been so long since I’d written a real post. I cannot convey how nice it is to check in and see messages from some of you simply inquiring as to how I am doing, as a person. Very few people treat me like a real person, so for those of you that have and do, I cannot begin to convey how much that means to me.
Happy Full Moon to all my fellow Wiccans! )O(
Tonight is the first night of Passover (Yes, I’m Jewish AND Wiccan. I don’t hide that.). I got a surprising message last night from my cousin, who lives about 30 minutes away, asking if I’d like to join him and his wife for a Seder. He knew it was super-last minute and that I might already have plans, so he was apologizing while asking. I was SO unbelievably touched by the gesture, truly. It is legitimately one of the nicest things an extended family member has done for me in more years than I care to count.
I make no bones about how I feel about the family dynamics in my life. Please do not misconstrue my honesty as being “bitter”. I’m not, but I am honest and sometimes that may seem harsh, but you don’t know these people. Roughly 85% of my biological and extended family members could be on fire in front of me in the next thirty seconds and I wouldn’t get them so much as a glass of water, but the other 15% I actually care about, like, and/or love quite fiercely. If a person isn’t related to me and I consider them family, that is the highest praise I can give you because to me, family SHOULD be everything and they SHOULD be prioritized over bullshit, but that’s me. Not everyone is living life with my ethos.
I am touched by the invite, but I did have to decline. I’ve had a migraine for two weeks, and the Fibro flares intermittently. The last thing I want to do is ruin a holiday for someone else. Some people enjoy Passover. I’m still scarred from the last Seder I had to sit through. It is probably my least favorite holiday, and while I respect the traditions and the meaning behind it all, I choose not to take part when I am sick and need to prioritize my health above all else.
I also have an invite to a feminist Seder Saturday night. I don’t know if I’m going or not just yet. I do worry about this migraine getting worse and being someplace I’ve never been before, especially as I sit here unable to sleep. As other migraineurs know, it is often better to be sick at home, even if you’re miserable about it, then to be sick somewhere else and not have everything you need within reach. Imagine showing up to a stranger’s house with ice packs, a heating pad, essential oils, pillows, medication, etc., demanding that they all be quiet because you have a migraine and cannot tolerate noise on a good day, leave alone during a full-blown migraine. I do NOT want to explain that to people I don’t know, and I really don’t care to explain it to people I do know, but lately I keep getting asked the same questions over and over. Ultimately I’m going to say this: I don’t ever use my migraines as an excuse NOT to do something if I am well enough to do it, so if anyone insinuates that, they deserve a good smack upside the head. I’ve never used Fibromyalgia as an excuse either. If I am too sick, I simply make that known. If a person cannot see how badly I am struggling and suffering each day, then I refuse to explain it as if they’re deaf, dumb, blind, and mute.
I openly admit I’m sick of spending my days with the cats. On top of being allergic (I’ve been allergic even to my own cats for probably ten years, if not longer), it makes me feel like I have no time for myself. Cat and Kitten are such Mama’s Girls. They are almost fully integrated into the house. This week has been one of great progress. Whenever I’ve been working, researching, reading, or resting, I will check on them and find one in the picture window baking in the sun, another might be hanging out with me or asleep in her own bed, and OGK is either sound asleep in his bed or sprawled on the living room rug, also baking in a sun beam. But as the day progresses and his blood sugar drops, he loses patience for them and will sometimes get a little nasty and/or aggressive. It’s only happened a few times this week, but his medication appears to be helping him and that’s a good sign. He’s gained some weight, he’s smacking me less, is being sweet at times, but he still insists on waking me nightly. He stands next to the bed and screeches as loudly as possible, and like an idiot, I get up and do whatever he wants, regardless of how much sleep I have or have not gotten.
I’m pre-programmed to respond to three things in the middle of the night: An intruder that needs to be taught a lesson, a baby crying, and a cat crying. Some cats mimic the cry of a baby and as a woman, I’m biologically programmed to respond to that. I’m the woman in pretty much any store (Walmart, Target, any mall I happen to be in…) shushing crying babies while their mothers ignore them and keep on shopping. It drives me insane and makes me want to call CPS on them. If your child is screaming, there’s a reason, so respond. <End of rant>
OGK is willing to auction me off to the highest bidder. His demands include two large ocean-caught salmon, filleted and deboned, and five cooked chicken breasts, cut into tiny pieces. I’m pretty sure there’s a sign on the front door for the cats of the neighborhood that says “Trained Human For Sale”. Every day he looks at me with these gorgeous green eyes (You will legitimately NEVER see green eyes like this on a human-being unless they’re colored contacts and even then, they’ll look fake.), huffs out a sigh, and thinks “Ugh, she’s STILL here. How do I get rid of her?” If there was a kitty Craigslist, which I highly believe would be called Morris’ List, I’d be sold to the highest bidder in a New York Minute. He’s sick of me, until he’s hungry or thirsty and then he can’t wait to find this wonderfully trained human who’s at his beck and call. That’s me: The Beck & Call Girl. Feel free to let people know that. LOL. (Sorry Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa, but it’s a rich line and I can’t afford not to use it.).
So my lovelies, this is me checking in with all of you. More to come soon. I hope you all have an amazing weekend.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
You Are Not A Drop In The Ocean…
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” -Rumi
The Artist And The Art
“Manifesting is accomplished by living with integrity and purity of heart and mind. Your mind, heart, and soul can be pure — if you choose. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you were, or where you came from. You can choose to be anything you want. That’s the beauty of life — you get to choose! This is how manifesting works — seeds that are planted grow. Who you are, what you believe, what you think, and how you feel — multiplies. You are compounding in lack or abundance. You are compounding in anger or kindness. You are compounding in gratitude or blame. You are compounding in all things, attitudes, beliefs, and choices. Every virtue you choose, your life will multiply in that goodness. What does manifesting mean? It means you are the artist and the art. Cultivate yourself. Take care with yourself. Love yourself. Manifesting is so simple. I can’t stress enough that the opportunities are not “out there” — they are inside of you, as a part of your own self-realization. Create a beautiful place inside of yourself and then begin to expand and build outward. As the beauty grows within you, let it touch every person you encounter and let it enrich the world around you.” -Bryant McGill
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 